WWYD - Boyfriend's separated wife is being creepy

Maybe I'm wrong and it may vary by state, but my interpretation of the law is that if the building is locked, the common areas aren't public. They are common areas to the residents and their guests. PI doesn't sound like he was anybody's invited guest, and even if he had a friend living in the building, he couldn't use that as a convenient excuse to snap quite planned and intentional pictures of his friend's neighbor in her own doorway after he knocked on the door.

Privacy laws get much stricter inside someone else's private property uninvited.
Many buildings are accessible by code or key fob. Sometimes someone will follow a resident in. It happens.

The PI got a photo of both of them. Most of us agree the photo thing is creepy.

That said, I'm not sure OP wants to talk to the landlord about what happened when her boyfriend's wife hired a PI to snap a photo of them together.
 
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Many buildings are accessible by code or key fob. Sometimes someone will follow a resident in. It happens.

The PI got a photo of both of them. Most of us agree the photo thing is creepy.

That said, I'm not sure OP wants to talk to the landlord about what happened when her boyfriend's wife hired a PI to snap a photo of them together.
Totally not worth the hassle of pursuing but if it was worth the money and effort, there could be legal ground to stand on depending on the specific circumstances. You need to be standing on public property to legally shoot pictures inside private property, you can't shoot from within. But in the end, nobody cares enough in this situation because there's a bunch of other more important stuff to deal with.
 
I understand the "creep" factor, but I don't see what a photo at the OP's front door would get a PI, lawyer, or anyone else. Presumably, the ex knows he's dating someone. Presumably, she either knows the Op's name, or could obtain it easily. All he has is a picture of the two of them, at the door--I assume it was at a reasonable hour and both were dressed, but even if not, it doesn't establish residence.

We're currently having work done, and, if you timed it right, you could photo/video me with any number of man coming and going. They even bring in mail packages at times. If you rang my doorbell, you might see one or more of them behind me. All it would establish is...that I have men in my house. My husband isn't the slightest bit concerned.
 
clarifying some points:
I live in an apartment building, so the PI was in a private building. He knocked on my door pretending to be a delivery man and was probably wearing a hidden camera and captured me answering the door with my boyfriend standing behind me.

He moved out once 15 years ago but moved back because of the kids. 2 years ago, after the youngest turned 19 he moved out for good. He's been very transparent with me from the beginning so I totally trust him.

Please don't turn this into "dating a married man" debate.

Thanks
The fact is that you are. And with that comes problems. I’ve only read several posts. The best thing for you to do is tell him to call you up once divorced.
 


Wait wait wait...
Stop the presses.
Has anyone watched Dear John?
This may sound extreme but I just realized that the Boyfriend SAID his kids told him that their mom told them that a PI took pics.
The boyfriend may be making the whole thing up.
 
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Maybe I'm wrong and it may vary by state, but my interpretation of the law is that if the building is locked, the common areas aren't public. They are common areas to the residents and their guests. PI doesn't sound like he was anybody's invited guest, and even if he had a friend living in the building, he couldn't use that as a convenient excuse to snap quite planned and intentional pictures of his friend's neighbor in her own doorway after he knocked on the door.

Privacy laws get much stricter inside someone else's private property uninvited.

ETA- I don't think it matters whether he was asked to leave; not invited in the firstplace. If I trapsed thru a garden in a private yard to take better pictures through the house window, it doesn't matter that I was never asked to leave, right? I was on private property, where I didn't belong uninvited to gain access to better pictures. I could never legally sell or use those pictures in a business application.
I agree with you IF the building is locked. There are plenty of apartments around here (probably most of them) where the common areas aren't locked, or the apartment actually open to the outside. If the building IS locked (so a delivery person would have to be buzzed in), is it safe to just answer the door knowing you didn't buzz someone in?
 
The fact is that you are. And with that comes problems. I’ve only read several posts. The best thing for you to do is tell him to call you up once divorced.

Dont think she cares that shes dating a married man at this point.
 


Wait wait for wait...
Stop the presses.
Has anyone watched Dear John?
This may sound extreme but I just realized that the Boyfriend SAID his kids told him that their mom told them that a PI took pics.
The boyfriend may be making the whole thing up.

Exactly what I was trying to point out - where is this info coming from? Married boyfriend says he's been trying to get divorced, but his wife won't let him...
 
If you're dating him just for fun and you don't see yourself being with him longer term, then what should you do? Let it roll off your back.

However, if you DO see yourself being with him in the longer run and if you DO think that he might be marriage material or whatever, consider this: his ex-wife will likely be a fixture in his life for a long time just by the nature of her being the mother of his children. It will be unavoidable.

Someone who has gone to the lengths of hiring a private investigator is probably not somebody who's going to divorce easily. She wants to make him pay and she's angry.

What should you do? That's hard to say. There are easy ways for anybody to get into a locked apartment building, usually by following another person in because most people would hold the door for someone. If a PI has found where you live, then the ex-wife knows your name and where you live. Start by double checking all of your social media profiles to make sure that your privacy settings are properly set up. And then go ahead and block her on all of your social media accounts.

As for what to do next beyond that, I'm not sure. Getting legal stuff involved might be an invitation for introducing more drama into your life, not more. Right now, all you know about is the PI. You don't have any evidence of anything else. But knowledge is power, you know, so now that you know the sort of person your boyfriend is dealing with, think long and hard about what you want to do next and then act accordingly.
 
I didn’t read anything in disycat’s post that even implied that the divorce was the ex-wife’s fault so I’m not understanding how s/he is perpetuating any myth about the woman always being to blame.
I can see both sides of the comment you quoted. We don't really know what is going on between the wife and the husband though. The PP (who made the original comment be spoken about) talked about about dragging feet (which is what the OP had said the wife is being slow in the process) but there were things like the wife doesn't really want the divorce and the husband stayed with the wife trying to hold together a marriage with the kids and that the wife can't let it go and she won't move on, etc etc.

The question really is...is it the wife doing all these things or is this a two way street? I would be unwilling, IMO, to paint the picture that it's about the wife who is this and that. I *think* that's where the comment about it being the ex-wife's fault. On the other hand I don't think that's necessarily what the poster was saying as a general comment but it read that way in regards to this specific situation if that makes sense.
 
OP dating a married man, even when you remove any sort of moral things, usually still presents issues. From things like definitions of 'legally separated' which may be a defined time limit before divorce preceedings may even be started, to things like leverages, to emotions (like a spouse moving on with their life), to mixed messages being sent, etc.

I do think it's possible the husband has been sending mixed messages at least in the past. You can say you're done with the marriage and that moving back home is just for the kids but that may not be what it all is about or what the perception is. That kinda is like a strike 1 in my book. Another strike (though it's against both the husband and the wife) is involving the kids into the equation. They may be grown up (as the youngest was 19 when he moved out the last time) but that's not right IMO to pit the kids against the parents in a he-said/she-said battle. I do think what the kids have to say can be pertinent but not in the way they've been used.

Absolutely though I will agree a PI is creepy, especially coming after you. That would make me uncomfortable to say the least. I think using a false identity can be a police matter but that depends on intent---for the purposes of theft? Yes that's a police matter. But I would be unsure if that is an issue with respects to a PI. Certainly if you feel like you need to get legal advice on that go for it but don't necessarily think that because it's an apartment complex with your own apartment that it changes the outcome. It may still not be a legal matter.
 
... after reading a 300 word post.
The rush to judgement around this place is seriously uncomfortable at times.

Sorry, but I will say, with 110% certainty, that there is absolutely no rush to judgement here on my part.
The OP has posted a lot of information here in that '300 words' and additional comments.
She came here and posted, and will get input.
She is with a married man.
This man. has not yet managed to make any headway towards divorce.
His wife seems to be a psycho 'creepy' who has invaded their privacy at their home, and their financial information, etc.
SORRY IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
But, as the famous line says, some people 'can't handle the truth'.

The truth is not always clear or easy.
Sometimes it is 'uncomfortable'.
But, I am with the other poster who believes that, at this point, this OP needs to take steps to protect herself.
To me the OP's best interestss here outweigh someone's comfort.
 
Exactly what I was trying to point out - where is this info coming from? Married boyfriend says he's been trying to get divorced, but his wife won't let him...
And life is complicated. He may be a mostly stand up guy, but not making good choices in some areas. Who knows what's happening on the wife's end, but it is possible that he find's the slow motion divorce not uncomfortable. Not in a hurry to get remarried, and gets to postpone the hard final outcome of alimony.

Possible. Point well taken on this board that even if the best of circumstances, intertwining life with a married person will result in complications.
 
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Yep. Not to mention, his wife has access to his credit card/statements, 2 years after he supposedly moved out. Methinks he's not as unmarried as the OP wants to believe.
Access to the credit card statement makes no sense to me.
Yes. Why does she still have access to his credit card statement(s) if he has his own address?

However, if you DO see yourself being with him in the longer run and if you DO think that he might be marriage material or whatever, consider this: his ex-wife will likely be a fixture in his life for a long time just by the nature of her being the mother of his children. It will be unavoidable.
.
Youngest is 19, iow, all the children are adults. Contact between the boyfriend and his (for now) estranged wife will be a!most completely avoidable.
 
Yep. Not to mention, his wife has access to his credit card/statements, 2 years after he supposedly moved out. Methinks he's not as unmarried as the OP wants to believe.
I thought about that too when she mentioned them.
 
OP, what does your BF say about why she might hire a PI and why a divorce is taking so long?

I’d need some pretty compelling answers to those two questions to continue the relationship. I can’t come up with a sufficient answer on my own. My mind goes to- he must be playing both sides or denying another relationship. Why else would she need a PI?
 
Do not date married men. I'm not being a prude, I'm just speaking from experience here. I've dated two men who were separated, and they could never truly detach from their marriage. I've learned my lesson.
Agreed. Not a judgement at all, but more like a caution. If things don't play out the way you hope, it's heartbreak beyond heartbreak for you. I have BTDT on this situation as well. I never had my heart ripped out so bad.

From the other POV of the wife getting a divorce, I can tell you that she can hire a PI all she wants, but it will get her nothing in a court situation. The burden on proof is on her to prove that you were an affair while they were married, if she cannot prove this than it has no relevance. When I got divorced my hubs got a GF right away. I was not happy about it, but I could do NOTHING about it and it mattered ZERO in how our divorce shook out. He's still with her, so she has kind of earned her keep in my eyes by now... LOL. If you did nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, then try to just see what she is doing an an annoyance. People get crazy in a divorce. The dust will settle later on.
 

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