Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

[Shanti]

I'm a bit frustrated with my older sister right now. She was very bossy when we were growing up, but as an adult, her need for control has skyrocketed. To give some context on that, when her first daughter was born, my brother took a picture of the baby through the nursery glass and posted the picture on Facebook with a loving comment. My sister became enraged at him because she wanted to "release" the baby photos on Facebook herself, and she didn't think he removed the photos quickly enough after she complained. This resulted in my brother being shunned from family events (which are mostly held at her house) for about four years. Yes, four years. No, they didn't have a bad relationship before that came up.

Fastforward to now. I see my sister and her family on a weekly basis, as my son and I travel to her home each Sunday. It's important to me to keep family relationships strong for the sake of all the kids. My sister has two daughters now, and we love them.

Our father died across the country last summer, leaving no will, but money has popped up in various accounts, and he had a safe-deposit box in California. My sister has been managing the process of getting these accounts together, which I really appreciate. She asked my brother and I to travel to California with her this summer to look into the safe deposit box, and any other accounts that might exist there. We agreed. I booked the flights she wanted me to book, and she said to not rent a car (even though I saw a great deal) because my brother would do it. I told her to let me know when the time to choose a hotel room would come up, as I'm a bit fussy about how & where I'll stay & wanted some input on that. 3 days later, she tells me via text that we're all (her, my brother & me) going to stay in a single standard room in a relatively cheap hotel that I would never choose to stay at. She says this room & the rental car will be paid for out of our joint inheritance. Well, fine about the money. Since she's doing the organizing work on this, imo she can manage payment of the trip how she likes.

But where I draw the line is giving up my adult right to choose where & how I spend the night. I booked an affordable but nice bed & breakfast that's a 5-10 minute drive from their hotel. I told her I would pay for it independently (not from our joint inheritance) as it was important to me to not sleep 3 adults to a room, & because I like to choose my own lodging.

My sister is really angry about this. Pointed out that the money for their hotel will still come out of our joint inheritance. I said that's fine. Then she complained that everything would take too long, since my B&B is in the "wrong direction". I told her I would get a taxi or rent my own car if that was a problem. I then ended the conversation. I had tried to keep it upbeat & positive, but she was, & probably still is, really angry.

Thoughts?

 

[Jennasis]

She is who she is. She isn't going to change. Stop expecting her to change. All you can do is change your own expectations and how YOU deal with her. I would suggest that you just do your thing and be prepared for her angry fallout.

 

[Shanti]

She is who she is. She isn't going to change. Stop expecting her to change. All you can do is change your own expectations and how YOU deal with her. I would suggest that you just do your thing and be prepared for her angry fallout.

I don't really expect her to change. I guess I just needed to vent. I hope she doesn't try to stop our visits with my neices because of this.

 

[piccolopat]

You might also consider spacing out your visits a bit more, perhaps every other week. Then try to have her come to your house. Both of these steps will start to put you in the driver's seat and take some control back from your sister. As for your trip, could you stay at the same hotel but in a room of your own? If the trip will be short, that might be a compromise that will keep things a little less stressful.

 

[Skellingtonj]

Honestly, she needs help. She sounds incredibly irrational. I have my own controlling sister and just ignore her now. Do your own thing. She has no say in how you live your life.

 

[happy Dis planner]

I would get that inheritance quantified and legally split. Then your sis can complain all she wants but you won't have to be accountable to her or anyone unless you choose to. Get legal counsel.
Best of luck to you!

 

[Toolulu22]

She is who she is. She isn't going to change. Stop expecting her to change. All you can do is change your own expectations and how YOU deal with her. I would suggest that you just do your thing and be prepared for her angry fallout.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I'm a bit frustrated with my older sister right now. She was very bossy when we were growing up, but as an adult, her need for control has skyrocketed. To give some context on that, when her first daughter was born, my brother took a picture of the baby through the nursery glass and posted the picture on Facebook with a loving comment. My sister became enraged at him because she wanted to "release" the baby photos on Facebook herself, and she didn't think he removed the photos quickly enough after she complained. This resulted in my brother being shunned from family events (which are mostly held at her house) for about four years. Yes, four years. No, they didn't have a bad relationship before that came up.

Fastforward to now. I see my sister and her family on a weekly basis, as my son and I travel to her home each Sunday. It's important to me to keep family relationships strong for the sake of all the kids. My sister has two daughters now, and we love them.

Our father died across the country last summer, leaving no will, but money has popped up in various accounts, and he had a safe-deposit box in California. My sister has been managing the process of getting these accounts together, which I really appreciate. She asked my brother and I to travel to California with her this summer to look into the safe deposit box, and any other accounts that might exist there. We agreed. I booked the flights she wanted me to book, and she said to not rent a car (even though I saw a great deal) because my brother would do it. I told her to let me know when the time to choose a hotel room would come up, as I'm a bit fussy about how & where I'll stay & wanted some input on that. 3 days later, she tells me via text that we're all (her, my brother & me) going to stay in a single standard room in a relatively cheap hotel that I would never choose to stay at. She says this room & the rental car will be paid for out of our joint inheritance. Well, fine about the money. Since she's doing the organizing work on this, imo she can manage payment of the trip how she likes.

But where I draw the line is giving up my adult right to choose where & how I spend the night. I booked an affordable but nice bed & breakfast that's a 5-10 minute drive from their hotel. I told her I would pay for it independently (not from our joint inheritance) as it was important to me to not sleep 3 adults to a room, & because I like to choose my own lodging.

My sister is really angry about this. Pointed out that the money for their hotel will still come out of our joint inheritance. I said that's fine. Then she complained that everything would take too long, since my B&B is in the "wrong direction". I told her I would get a taxi or rent my own car if that was a problem. I then ended the conversation. I had tried to keep it upbeat & positive, but she was, & probably still is, really angry.

Thoughts?

Let me get this straight. Your sister spent 9 months carrying a baby and god knows how long in labor and delivery just for your brother to swoop in and usurp her role as the parent so he could post the first pictures of HER newborn child on social media without her permission? How soon after birth did he do this? Had she even had the chance to announce the child’s birth herself? Or time to take her own pictures...or bond with the baby...had she even had time to recover? And when she asked him to take the pictures down, instead of falling all over himself with apologies as he should have done, he dragged his feet removing them. This was so grossly disrespectful to your sister — You really don’t see the problem with this?

 

[luvsJack]

Let me get this straight. Your sister spent 9 months carrying a baby and god knows how long in labor and delivery just for your brother to swoop in and usurp her role as the parent so he could post the first pictures of HER newborn child on social media without her permission? How soon after birth did he do this? Had she even had the chance to announce the child’s birth herself? Or time to take her own pictures...or bond with the baby...had she even had time to recover? And when she asked him to take the pictures down, instead of falling all over himself with apologies as he should have done, he dragged his feet removing them. This was so grossly disrespectful to your sister — You really don’t see the problem with this?

She didn’t say he drug his feet, she said it wasn’t fast enough for her sister. It could have been 30 seconds for all we know.

I can see being irritated but 4 years?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I'm a bit frustrated with my older sister right now. She was very bossy when we were growing up, but as an adult, her need for control has skyrocketed. To give some context on that, when her first daughter was born, my brother took a picture of the baby through the nursery glass and posted the picture on Facebook with a loving comment. My sister became enraged at him because she wanted to "release" the baby photos on Facebook herself, and she didn't think he removed the photos quickly enough after she complained. This resulted in my brother being shunned from family events (which are mostly held at her house) for about four years. Yes, four years. No, they didn't have a bad relationship before that came up.

Fastforward to now. I see my sister and her family on a weekly basis, as my son and I travel to her home each Sunday. It's important to me to keep family relationships strong for the sake of all the kids. My sister has two daughters now, and we love them.

Our father died across the country last summer, leaving no will, but money has popped up in various accounts, and he had a safe-deposit box in California. My sister has been managing the process of getting these accounts together, which I really appreciate. She asked my brother and I to travel to California with her this summer to look into the safe deposit box, and any other accounts that might exist there. We agreed. I booked the flights she wanted me to book, and she said to not rent a car (even though I saw a great deal) because my brother would do it. I told her to let me know when the time to choose a hotel room would come up, as I'm a bit fussy about how & where I'll stay & wanted some input on that. 3 days later, she tells me via text that we're all (her, my brother & me) going to stay in a single standard room in a relatively cheap hotel that I would never choose to stay at. She says this room & the rental car will be paid for out of our joint inheritance. Well, fine about the money. Since she's doing the organizing work on this, imo she can manage payment of the trip how she likes.

But where I draw the line is giving up my adult right to choose where & how I spend the night. I booked an affordable but nice bed & breakfast that's a 5-10 minute drive from their hotel. I told her I would pay for it independently (not from our joint inheritance) as it was important to me to not sleep 3 adults to a room, & because I like to choose my own lodging.

My sister is really angry about this. Pointed out that the money for their hotel will still come out of our joint inheritance. I said that's fine. Then she complained that everything would take too long, since my B&B is in the "wrong direction". I told her I would get a taxi or rent my own car if that was a problem. I then ended the conversation. I had tried to keep it upbeat & positive, but she was, & probably still is, really angry.

Thoughts?

You need a lawyer and right now. One in the state where your father died that knows estate law. Do not try and settle that estate without one. As your father died without a will, he didn't appoint you sister to settle it.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

She didn’t say he drug his feet, she said it wasn’t fast enough for her sister. It could have been 30 seconds for all we know.

I can see being irritated but 4 years?

That’s getting off easy compared to what I would do to him.

 

[Lynn CC]

I too have an extremely controlling sister. If things don't go her way she hums and haws until people give in. I gave in and bent over backwards for her until I turned 40, then I didn't anymore. I felt like her Cinderella, Just did what was best for me. It totally ruined our relationship. I felt uncomfortable at family gatherings around her for years after I turned 40, she made many snarky comments. One day she hung up the phone on me when I was trying to explain something she was chewing me out about. I never called back. It's been probably 6 or 7 years now. I get along with every single other person in my life with no problems. I really can't say I miss the cussing out at all. I think it's her loss that she can't call and apologize. If she wants to not talk to me over something that didn't even have anything to do with her, ( and she knew it to be the truth)
so be it.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm a bit frustrated with my older sister right now. She was very bossy when we were growing up, but as an adult, her need for control has skyrocketed. To give some context on that, when her first daughter was born, my brother took a picture of the baby through the nursery glass and posted the picture on Facebook with a loving comment. My sister became enraged at him because she wanted to "release" the baby photos on Facebook herself, and she didn't think he removed the photos quickly enough after she complained. This resulted in my brother being shunned from family events (which are mostly held at her house) for about four years. Yes, four years. No, they didn't have a bad relationship before that came up.

Fastforward to now. I see my sister and her family on a weekly basis, as my son and I travel to her home each Sunday. It's important to me to keep family relationships strong for the sake of all the kids. My sister has two daughters now, and we love them.

Our father died across the country last summer, leaving no will, but money has popped up in various accounts, and he had a safe-deposit box in California. My sister has been managing the process of getting these accounts together, which I really appreciate. She asked my brother and I to travel to California with her this summer to look into the safe deposit box, and any other accounts that might exist there. We agreed. I booked the flights she wanted me to book, and she said to not rent a car (even though I saw a great deal) because my brother would do it. I told her to let me know when the time to choose a hotel room would come up, as I'm a bit fussy about how & where I'll stay & wanted some input on that. 3 days later, she tells me via text that we're all (her, my brother & me) going to stay in a single standard room in a relatively cheap hotel that I would never choose to stay at. She says this room & the rental car will be paid for out of our joint inheritance. Well, fine about the money. Since she's doing the organizing work on this, imo she can manage payment of the trip how she likes.

But where I draw the line is giving up my adult right to choose where & how I spend the night. I booked an affordable but nice bed & breakfast that's a 5-10 minute drive from their hotel. I told her I would pay for it independently (not from our joint inheritance) as it was important to me to not sleep 3 adults to a room, & because I like to choose my own lodging.

My sister is really angry about this. Pointed out that the money for their hotel will still come out of our joint inheritance. I said that's fine. Then she complained that everything would take too long, since my B&B is in the "wrong direction". I told her I would get a taxi or rent my own car if that was a problem. I then ended the conversation. I had tried to keep it upbeat & positive, but she was, & probably still is, really angry.

Thoughts?

That sounds pretty miserable, but you have the right to stay where you want. I would do what you're doing, too. Bad enough being in a run down hotel, but in the same room with your brother and sister, as described?

Now the big question: Where is your brother going to stay?

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, yes, you need to understand that your sister is the way she is.
If you really do fully understand and accept, you might realize that you need more than 'venting'.
If people were to threaten to shun me and cut-me-out if I don't 'obey'.... (even by their past actions and insinuation) Well, I am not inclined to 'obey'.
At some point, this all becomes stressful and toxic.

How you personally choose to deal with this, of course, is up to you.
But, I agree with the others... I would not be able to continue such a close and binding relationship.
And, without any question, I would have my own hotel room.

IMHO, you need to look at how YOU are responsible for how you handle all of this.
Weekly visits would not be happening with me.
That would not fall within my idea of healthy personal boundaries.

I agree that you need to be very careful of how you choose to handle your father's matters.
She has not been appointed as sole beneficiary and executer. And, she has taken that control.
She has no right to tell you how much you might receive, or how it should be spent (the hotel cost)
The advice to consult a lawyer might be spot-on.

PS: Yes, your brother was wrong about that... But, that detail is really meaningless here. We are talking about the sister and how she has 'operated'.

 

[powellrj]

I am glad my kids were born years before social media sometimes.

I am so sorry about your father. Families are really hard. I agree your sister isn’t going to change after all these years. Hire a lawyer. If your sister gives you a hard time, just tell her it’s out of state without a will and you want to make sure to follow the law and not make any mistakes.

 

[DomesticPrincess]

Sorry she's like that, but she is how she is. No reason you have to bend to her will on the hotel room. Look for a great rental car deal now. Tell her to set a time when you'll look into the box and be sure to be there early. If she wants you to go with her on any fact finding missions regarding other accounts, have her set a time and be there for them. Otherwise your time is your time. That's my advice.

 

[DISNEYSQUIRRELS]

You might also consider spacing out your visits a bit more, perhaps every other week. Then try to have her come to your house. Both of these steps will start to put you in the driver's seat and take some control back from your sister. As for your trip, could you stay at the same hotel but in a room of your own? If the trip will be short, that might be a compromise that will keep things a little less stressful.

I think this is fabulous advice although it may be difficult for the OP to implement since she is so close to her nieces. The routine of the OP going to the sister's house each week is unconsciously telling the sister that she is more important.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I think this is fabulous advice although it may be difficult for the OP to implement since she is so close to her nieces. The routine of the OP going to the sister's house each week is unconsciously telling the sister that she is more important.

This is a good point. Your sister should also have to carry some of the load of maintaining a relationship. It shouldn’t all be on you, OP.

 

[Toolulu22]

This resulted in my brother being shunned from family events (which are mostly held at her house) for about four years. Yes, four years. No, they didn't have a bad relationship before that came up.

Did your brother apologize to your sister? ​

Nothing is stopping others from holding events at their homes, is there?

Is this a one night stay or are you all going for an extended trip? It makes sense to have hotel rooms near one another, unless you really dislike each other. She has no right to dictate the terms however, but you and your brother need to tell her no three to a room (no Motel 8) whatever.

At some point you have to open your mouth and speak to her, regardless of how you think she might react, otherwise she will always do what she wants and know you won't stand up to her.

This is a complex situation and I think that you've gotten some good opinions here. I also have a sister and brother, and we get along rather well, largely due to the fact that we live in different states. Everyone has their own personality, agenda, and while we love each other we don't always see eye to eye. A little bit of space is a good thing.

I still have an amazing relationship with my nieces and nephew BTW even though we don't see each other often. If you didn't go to your sisters house every week, you could still invite them to yours or do special events.

Good Luck​

 

[Shanti]

Let me get this straight. Your sister spent 9 months carrying a baby and god knows how long in labor and delivery just for your brother to swoop in and usurp her role as the parent so he could post the first pictures of HER newborn child on social media without her permission? How soon after birth did he do this? Had she even had the chance to announce the child’s birth herself? Or time to take her own pictures...or bond with the baby...had she even had time to recover? And when she asked him to take the pictures down, instead of falling all over himself with apologies as he should have done, he dragged his feet removing them. This was so grossly disrespectful to your sister — You really don’t see the problem with this?

He took the photo off Facebook the same day she complained. I'm not saying he should have done it, but he didn't deserve to be shunned for 4 whole years, and the rest of the family put in the position of having to do separate Christmases, Thanksgiving, etc., because she wouldn't be at a holiday event where he was. This was especially hard on our mother. I believe that at some point you have to grow up and realize family members aren't perfect, but you're going to try to get along for harmony's sake. That's what I've tried to do with her, for example.

Did your brother apologize to your sister?
Nothing is stopping others from holding events at their homes, is there?

Is this a one night stay or are you all going for an extended trip? It makes sense to have hotel rooms near one another, unless you really dislike each other. She has no right to dictate the terms however, but you and your brother need to tell her no three to a room (no Motel 8) whatever.

At some point you have to open your mouth and speak to her, regardless of how you think she might react, otherwise she will always do what she wants and know you won't stand up to her...I still have an amazing relationship with my nieces and nephew BTW even though we don't see each other often. If you didn't go to your sisters house every week, you could still invite them to yours or do special events.

This is just one night, which is one of the reasons why I don't see why she's making a big deal- I am staying fairly close, and I've decided to rent my own car. I don't let her control me in the sense of doing something that makes me uncomfortable, which is why I won't sleep 3 to a room in a cheap hotel for even one night. I'm strong. I just don't want this to sour family relations.