Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am only child, but I have seen people with controlling siblings. It is scary. Seems like aging parents and money bring out the worst in people.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, I'm not bending over and I have this thread to show for it..

Shanti, by ALL accounts.... you ARE bending-over, rolling-over, and everything else.
That is what I have tried to kind of point out to you.
That is the whole thing here.

You willingly went to her house, when your brother was being victimized and ostracized.
You continue to make a point to go to her house, every week... And subject your child(ren) this.
You just up and signed all of that paperwork, no question... 'allowing' your sister to take all control.
I am sure that this list above could go on, and on, and on, and on.....

That is why I have posted that I am hoping that this is a wake-up call for you.

What has been, and still is, going on is simply not right.
Again, I will use the word 'classic'... What you are describing is Controlling, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I would not let my kids see my example of sucking up to such a person. Actually seeking their 'approval' and good graces.

I am SO sorry that she has managed to suck your brother back in.
One would think that after the past history HE would be the one to know better.
Or... just maybe... He is willing to go to these lengths to suck up to her and to ask you to do the same, just for that money.

And, as I and others have pointed out... without a will, unless we all are very wrong about this... a LAWYER is required.... If you say that you have signed papers... and have not done so after meeting with, and/or in the presence of, any lawyer that your sister must have had to draw up these papers.... That is even more disturbing.

Were your signatures even notarized?

You have bent over, rolled over, and played dead.
I would almost guarantee you that your sister is going to really run with this, to HER benefit. If the nominal amount of 1/3 the cost of the hotel room actually is a factor to her. WOW....

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I'm not bending over and I have this thread to show for it...

That might be the reason why.

Don’t listen to the projectors, it sounds like you want to maintain a relationship with your family, and that is fine. Some people are controlling, you aren’t going to change them, and you don’t need to do what they say. As for the hotel and car, I think I’d be hurt if my sister chose to stay somewhere else, but we vacation together (and she lives in another state so we only see each other a few times a year).

 

[Nancyg56]

If everyone else in the family is showing up at her house for holidays, and she won't allow my brother to come, what am I supposed to do about that? If I boycotted, everyone else would still go to her house, and my son and I would have been by ourselves.

Not everyone was at her house....your brother was barred. I would have celebrated with my brother. No one...not even my husband could give me what amounts to an ultimatum.

If it's as bad as you say, that's a risk I'd be willing to take.

Me too.

Sometimes doing the right thing, showing strength is the hard, difficult thing to do. Tyrants get away with their behaviour because people are unwilling to rise up against them and call out their behaviour.

You would have been alone, but you would have shown strength and highlighted that shunning a family member is wrong. It would have been an act of love and acceptance for your brother.

I have a sister who tries to manage the family behavior based on her own sense of what is right and wrong. As an adult, I have to answer to my own standards, and sometimes that is difficult. IT is a stand worth taking though, because I need to be able to look at myself every day and know that I did not compromise my own honor in order to pacify someone else.

 

[nkereina]

I mentioned up-thread that this is really a "business" trip to take care of obligations, rather than a vacation. I recently took one of those myself - a bachelorette weekend away with a group of girls I didn't know, aside from the bride. It was in a rented house and I had no control over sleeping arrangements, meals, activities, etc. I would have MUCH rather had my own hotel room and flexibility to do what I was comfortable with, but opted to go with the flow instead. It kept the peace, and I avoided looking like the difficult or high maintenance one. Sometimes as adults we have to do things we don't want to do, and in the case of the sister and the hotel, it strikes me as one of those times. Not even sharing the room, but at least staying in the same hotel.

OP did mention that they were not comfortable with the hotel they chose either, so an alternative option to compromise with the sister might be to agree to stay in the same place but choosing a different hotel that the three of them agree on. If the sister balks at a price difference, perhaps offer to pick-up the difference in cost. I know we're being told the sister is not reasonable, so she may still freak, but a logical person could see she would not have a leg to stand on if this compromise was offered. Everyone would be happy, in one place, and the estate would not be spending anything additional.

 

[NFLDERS]

Not a sibling but a dsil, she gets to control my poor darling brother.

 

[Wishing on a star]

nkereina....
I would not consider this to be a business trip, where one is paid to take care of an employer's business, where and when it is needed.
I would not consider this a vacation...
I would not consider this bachelorette thing to be an established group of family or friends, based on your comments.
I would not have any expectation that you would have had much input, if any at all, in this kind of trip that was planned by others.

I think I would equate what you have described to being invited to an event. You either accept or make your apologies.

So, I don't see that this comparison really applies to the OP's situation at all.

 

[amberpi]

Shanti - I don't have much to add, but that I think that your comfort should be a consideration and I'm glad you're taking care of yourself in regards to your accommodations. I really just wanted to pop in and wish you well in this process...seems like it will take a while to resolve and I hope it works out.

 

[luvsJack]

nkereina....
I would not consider this to be a business trip, where one is paid to take care of an employer's business, where and when it is needed.
I would not consider this a vacation...
I would not consider this bachelorette thing to be an established group of family or friends, based on your comments.
I would not have any expectation that you would have had much input, if any at all, in this kind of trip that was planned by others.

I think I would equate what you have described to being invited to an event. You either accept or make your apologies.

So, I don't see that this comparison really applies to the OP's situation at all.

Oh for pity sakes. She was not saying it was the same as the bachelorette trip. She was saying sometimes as an adult you should just suck it up and go with the flow. One night in the same hotel with her brother and sister is hardly going to be the end of the world.

And yes they will eventually need a lawyer but it should be one they all agree on or two of them relinquish that decision to the other to see a lawyer to take care of it. You don’t just go get one of your own. The ESTATE needs a lawyer not the op.

 

[nkereina]

nkereina....
I would not consider this to be a business trip, where one is paid to take care of an employer's business, where and when it is needed.
I would not consider this a vacation...
I would not consider this bachelorette thing to be an established group of family or friends, based on your comments.
I would not have any expectation that you would have had much input, if any at all, in this kind of trip that was planned by others.

I think I would equate what you have described to being invited to an event. You either accept or make your apologies.

So, I don't see that this comparison really applies to the OP's situation at all.

Oh for pity sakes. She was not saying it was the same as the bachelorette trip. She was saying sometimes as an adult you should just suck it up and go with the flow. One night in the same hotel with her brother and sister is hardly going to be the end of the world.

luvsJack is spot on and caught what I was throwing.

Wishing on a star, if you re-read my post, you'll see that my mention of the bachelorette trip I went on was just to say that when dealing with other adults in certain situations, its sometimes worth it to go with the flow and choose your battles wisely. I was not comparing the trips. I was simply disagreeing with the battle the OP has chosen to take on against her sister when it comes to the hotel situation on this trip.

I think you also missed that I put "business trip" in quotes to mean it's a trip to take care of familial business. Not literally a business trip you take for work. It's a trip none of them seem to want to take and its not for something fun. If this were a vacation the three of them opted to spend hard earned money and vacation time on, then I could understand fighting for the lodging and comfort you want. But for a brief trip that has to be made out of necessity and obligation, to "take care of business", then I would just opt for the path of least resistance. Especially if only for a night or two.

In essence, the OP WAS invited along. The OP could have declined the trip all together if she truly wanted to. When going along with others for something that has the potential to be contentious to begin with, I would not want to start out on the wrong foot.

 

[gillep]

luvsJack is spot on and caught what I was throwing.

Wishing on a star, if you re-read my post, you'll see that my mention of the bachelorette trip I went on was just to say that when dealing with other adults in certain situations, its sometimes worth it to go with the flow and choose your battles wisely. I was not comparing the trips. I was simply disagreeing with the battle the OP has chosen to take on against her sister when it comes to the hotel situation on this trip.

I think you also missed that I put "business trip" in quotes to mean it's a trip to take care of familial business. Not literally a business trip you take for work. It's a trip none of them seem to want to take and its not for something fun. If this were a vacation the three of them opted to spend hard earned money and vacation time on, then I could understand fighting for the lodging and comfort you want. But for a brief trip that has to be made out of necessity and obligation, to "take care of business", then I would just opt for the path of least resistance. Especially if only for a night or two.

In essence, the OP WAS invited along. The OP could have declined the trip all together if she truly wanted to. When going along with others for something that has the potential to be contentious to begin with, I would not want to start out on the wrong foot.

I am not necessarily disagreeing with you, as I already said that I would have just gotten my own room at the same resort (I would not share a hotel room with 2 other adults in this circumstance). However, before anything was booked the OP specifically told her sister that she would like to be involved in the decision regarding where to stay, and the sister completely disregarded her. It isn't as if the OP is just being a pain after the fact, she gave her sister warning that she was happy to go on the trip but that she wanted a say in this one decision and an opportunity to be collaborative from the get-go, and the sister chose to disregard her and book what she wanted.

 

[jerseygal]

I am only child, but I have seen people with controlling siblings. It is scary. Seems like aging parents and money bring out the worst in people.

YES AND YES unfortunately. Controlling sibling all of my life. When our Dad passed in 2013, it was bad enough, her taking control while my Mom was still alive. THEN, when our Mom passed in 2017, she was VERY CONTROLLING and the EXECUTRIX....FUN, FUN!

 

[nkereina]

However, before anything was booked the OP specifically told her sister that she would like to be involved in the decision regarding where to stay, and the sister completely disregarded her. It isn't as if the OP is just being a pain after the fact, she gave her sister warning that she was happy to go on the trip but that she wanted a say in this one decision and an opportunity to be collaborative from the get-go, and the sister chose to disregard her and book what she wanted.

I understand. But my opinion still stands that when doing things like this, you may have to put up with some stuff you wouldn't choose yourself. It is annoying that the sister didn't include OP as requested, but the sister is taking care of all other logistics and settling the estate. And regardless, the situation can still be remedied for the OP even though the OP wasn't able to be involved in the planning. It sounds like the sister and brother have since asked OP to at least come stay at the hotel, which she declined. Since OP isn't fond of the hotel choice, another option is to suggest a hotel that's acceptable to all and have OP offer to pick up any cost difference so the estate isn't out anything more. If none of these are acceptable, then so be it, but the OP should then brace for tension on the trip, which is not what I would want to deal with when settling my father's estate with my siblings.

 

[gillep]

I understand. But my opinion still stands that when doing things like this, you may have to put up with some stuff you wouldn't choose yourself. It is annoying that the sister didn't include OP as requested, but the sister is taking care of all other logistics and settling the estate. And regardless, the situation can still be remedied for the OP even though the OP wasn't able to be involved in the planning. It sounds like the sister and brother have since asked OP to at least come stay at the hotel, which she declined. Since OP isn't fond of the hotel choice, another option is to suggest a hotel that's acceptable to all and have OP offer to pick up any cost difference so the estate isn't out anything more. If none of these are acceptable, then so be it, but the OP should then brace for tension on the trip, which is not what I would want to deal with when settling my father's estate with my siblings.

I agree, and I would do the same as you are suggesting. I just know that some people have things that really matter to them, especially when traveling, and I think that it is a kindness to make sure to take those things into consideration, even if doing all of the planning, and even if those things that matter to them don't matter to me (I am not saying that you disagree with this at all just how my brain is currently processing this) so I can see where the OP is coming from as well.

 

[Skellingtonj]

YES AND YES unfortunately. Controlling sibling all of my life. When our Dad passed in 2013, it was bad enough, her taking control while my Mom was still alive. THEN, when our Mom passed in 2017, she was VERY CONTROLLING and the EXECUTRIX....FUN, FUN!

But isn’t the executor the one that carries out the plans?? Like nothing can be changed. But i get it and i see that in my future lol

 

[starry_solo]

Via his death certificate, our affadavits & birth certificates, etc., and the fact that there is no other next of kin making counter claims. And because we're not talking about millions of dollars. Banks don't get to just keep a deceased person's money because there is no will or attorney involved.

Of course they don't. But they don't also get to release it to the next of kin without an estate plan in place.

 

[cleverclovers]

Our father died across the country last summer, leaving no will, but money has popped up in various accounts, and he had a safe-deposit box in California. My sister has been managing the process of getting these accounts together, which I really appreciate. She asked my brother and I to travel to California with her this summer to look into the safe deposit box, and any other accounts that might exist there.

First, I am very sorry for your loss. Second, no will? Is your sister now the executor of his estate? If not, everything may have to go through probate. Third, unless your sister is listed as an owner on the safe deposit box, she does not have the right to open it. Also, she is not the owner of the contents. Strongly suggest you get a lawyer involved to handle things properly, or your trip will be both a waste of time and money. Good luck.

 

[cleverclovers]

Of course they don't. But they don't also get to release it to the next of kin without an estate plan in place.

They may have to send it to the state as an escheatment.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Glad to give you all something to quote and attack!!!!
The attention is just so flattering!!!!
I really could not care less if anyone else agrees with my advice to somebody who posts here asking. But, flattering nevertheless!!!!!

OP, again, as I had already posted... I might compromise on the hotel, but would simply not share a room, or not have my own transportation, if I thought I might need or want it.
I understand that this is about WAY more than the hotel room. My advice has never been about the hotel accommodations alone.
Unfortunately, since you mentioned speaking with your brother... it sounds like your sister has now involved your brother, sowing seeds of *******, and is having him 'take her side' in her efforts to totally control.
I do understand how you might feel.
I do support you and hope this all works out!!!!

 

[Shanti]

Of course they don't. But they don't also get to release it to the next of kin without an estate plan in place.

We've already received money from various accounts, actually. So no estate plan was needed.