"At least I don't need a scooter!"

[FergieTCat]

My mother is 84, has had two knee replacements and refuses to get a scooter (I suggested it.) She doesn't walk very well, but she would rather use a walker and walk very, very slowly.

I think my mother thinks of a scooter as a loss of independence. Or maybe succumbing to old age.

 

[Wishing on a star]

and besides, she'd rather crawl than use a scooter or wheelchair, she told me. ...

In our family, we don't discuss medical issues, ...

OP, I know that people are trying to be nice and gloss over this... but the two comments above really say a lot....

The first comment I quoted is very definitely judgemental...
And the second comment relates directly to any physical limitations being 'judged'....

As I often do here on the DIS... I respond to threads where I have seen what appear to be very, very, similar, if not the exact issues as the poster. And, I can say that I have seen this in my inlaws family. Very judgemental. They seemed to equate worthiness or esteem with how far one can push themselves physically. This was very evident in many areas of their lives and relationships with others. I have seem them be very inappropriately judgemental.... I have seen it many times.... One relative who was older and unfortunately very heavy, would take his riding mower up their fairly long and uphill driveway to get the mail and paper. You should have seen my MIL look down her nose, 'hhhhrumphhhh', and make negative judgemental comments. (guess what - who now has to ride her riding mower up to her mailbox.. )

If your mother has had similar beliefs/attitudes then I can very well see where your concerns come from.

If you do find yourself limited by your physical issues, I would definitely let her know before she arrives. And I would NOT, repeat NOT, push myself at all when/if she comes because of what 'she thinks'.

I am not so sure, as others are thinking, that you are 'overpersonalizing' this situation. I think that there must be some reasons that are causing this to be such a worry and thorn in your side, this many months in advance.

I think the real issue that you need to look at,
and the real question that you need to ask yourself, is
Why does what she might possibly think have such an effect on you, that you are concerned and posting on the DIS.

I am not so sure it should be having this much affect at all.

Anyhow, I hope it turns out to be a NON-issue, and you have a wonderful visit!

 

[doxdogy]

My father was totally independent at that age too and proud of it. I use to have to DRAG it out of him what was wrong if he was sick. However, if something had happened to me and I ended up in a wheelchair, he would have never once said anything negative to me.

So perhaps your mom is just proud of the fact that she has her independence. Have you told her about your back problems?

 

[Luv'sTink]

OP, I know that people are trying to be nice and gloss over this... but the two comments above really say a lot....

The first comment I quoted is very definitely judgemental...
And the second comment relates directly to any physical limitations being 'judged'....

As I often do here on the DIS... I respond to threads where I have seen what appear to be very, very, similar, if not the exact issues as the poster. And, I can say that I have seen this in my inlaws family. Very judgemental. They seemed to equate worthiness or esteem with how far one can push themselves physically. This was very evident in many areas of their lives and relationships with others. I have seem them be very inappropriately judgemental.... I have seen it many times.... One relative who was older and unfortunately very heavy, would take his riding mower up their fairly long and uphill driveway to get the mail and paper. You should have seen my MIL look down her nose, 'hhhhrumphhhh', and make negative judgemental comments. (guess what - who now has to ride her riding mower up to her mailbox.. )

If your mother has had similar beliefs/attitudes then I can very well see where your concerns come from.

If you do find yourself limited by your physical issues, I would definitely let her know before she arrives. And I would NOT, repeat NOT, push myself at all when/if she comes because of what 'she thinks'.

I am not so sure, as others are thinking, that you are 'overpersonalizing' this situation. I think that there must be some reasons that are causing this to be such a worry and thorn in your side, this many months in advance.

I think the real issue that you need to look at,
and the real question that you need to ask yourself, is
Why does what she might possibly think have such an effect on you, that you are concerned and posting on the DIS.

I am not so sure it should be having this much affect at all.

Anyhow, I hope it turns out to be a NON-issue, and you have a wonderful visit!

Great post!

Since you know your mother, and no one on the Dis does, you probably have a better idea of what she meant.

 

[Holly]

So Mom called me this morning, having recently returned from WDW. Although she's almost 80, she was so proud that "At least I don't need a scooter!" Somehow that rubbed me the wrong way, so I tried to explain "So what if you had? It doesn't matter." But she went on to talk about how wonderful it was that she could walk and besides, she'd rather crawl than use a scooter or wheelchair, she told me.
Here's the rub-currently she lives a couple thousand miles away, but is already planning a Christmas visit. According to my doctor, I have severe back problems and may be in a wheelchair myself in 6 months. In our family, we don't discuss medical issues, so she doesn't know this. So my question is-how do I handle this visit if I am in a wheelchair or even using a cane (another aid she's put down anyone using)? She's staying in a hotel, and right now I'm so mad that I'm not sure I want her to see me if that's her attitude about it. How would you handle this?

I don't blame you for being annoyed, however, I'm doing an internship with the elderly right now and I've found that they cling to their freedom and mobility in any small way they can. The way I see them doing it most often is to compare themselves to others, especially other elderly people in wheelchairs who are currently within ear shot.

Try not to take it personally, and I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

[diznygirl]

How can you be angry at your mother for insulting you if she has no idea that she's insulting you?

Tell her about your medical condition. She can't show her concern for you until she knows.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I think my mother thinks of a scooter as a loss of independence.

That is so interesting to think about because for me getting a scooter is what gave me back my independence! I guess it all depends on what stage in life you are at. I know other youngens that need mobility aids and are so grateful for how they can be live life again with them. But I agree that the older generation probably does see it as a loss of independence.

 

[golfgal]

I also take your mom's comment as she is happy she has her mobility, not a dig on anyone that does not. I can't imagine she would think less of you if you were in a wheelchair.

I golfed with a woman who was fairly upset that she had to take a cart golfing vs walking. She was 98 years old.

 

[Simba's Mom]

I think it's easy to take something personally that really has nothing to do with you. I find it very odd that you don't discuss medical issues in your family, though. Why not just tell your mom what's going on?

It strikes me as odd, too. But for example, when she had breast cancer surgery several years ago, no one told me "because we didn't want you to worry". The only reason they ever told me, later, was so I'd know my family history for mammograms. And when they found an aortic aneurism in my father, no one told me (I found out by accident).

 

[Simba's Mom]

Take a deep breath, and just remember the older our parents get, the less their 'filters' do.

And - keep in mind - the older they get, the less they will remember that they've made a comment that some might find offensive.

I'm guessing that your mother will be so concerned about you, that she will not remember making her previous comments.

OK - that is how it would work if it were my mom that was being discussed.

Great advice-thanks! That filter is definitely long gone on my Mom-she's repeated so many things we've previously agreed not to discuss. But I'll keep working on that deep breath and just try to make a happy holiday.

 

[FergieTCat]

That is so interesting to think about because for me getting a scooter is what gave me back my independence! I guess it all depends on what stage in life you are at. I know other youngens that need mobility aids and are so grateful for how they can be live life again with them. But I agree that the older generation probably does see it as a loss of independence.

I agree with you, but my mother thinks a scooter would be difficult for her to manage alone (mostly getting it in and out of the car), so in a way, it would make her more dependent on other people. She is very reticent about getting one, and I hope she doesn't fall and seriously injure herself.

I think it is different when you are younger. I guess it depends what you attribute to it.

 

[FredinFL]

I think your mom feels bolstered by her independence of these things, she probably has friends who need them and it makes her feel good about herself not to have to have them. I don't know you guys, but I think your mom will accept you in any way shape or form. Hugs.

 

[denisem]

It strikes me as odd, too. But for example, when she had breast cancer surgery several years ago, no one told me "because we didn't want you to worry". The only reason they ever told me, later, was so I'd know my family history for mammograms. And when they found an aortic aneurism in my father, no one told me (I found out by accident).

I now see where you're coming from - maybe it's time to follow suit and say "Hey, mom, I didn't want to worry you, BUT....(and explain your situation). At least there will be no secrets and you can go from there. This could even segue into the fact you were hurt not to share your parents' health issues when they arose.

Obviously, I don't know your family dynamics. Right now, she has no idea she has offended you. If you tell her and she's still "holier than thou" about your disability - tell her to cancel the Christmas trip and save your sanity. OTOH, she may buck up and be supportive of your issues.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't think there is anything wrong with an elder being pleased that they do not require a device to remain ambulatory.

Now, if she is being passive aggressive about what you require, then that isn't very nice at all.

But an 80 yo not flinching from all that walking, is pretty impressive and you should be proud of that even if she has ill intent when she shares that information.


Given all the disboard arguments about those scooters, I'm not surprised that someone would be proud that they didn't require one. But it is there for those who need them and there should be no stigma attached that makes using one such a negative.

My mom resisted for a couple of years--she had to begin using one at age 46 due to disability. And that was after about 5 years of suggestions that piqued when she would go to Disney and have to rest every 50 feet. How she could possibily enjoy the park in such pain out of not wanting to be in a scooter was beyond me.

If your mom truly feels that she doesn't need one--then that is awesome!

 

[quasar4legs]

My mum is in her mid 80's and I think at that age they really do start to focus on things that they can do and take pride in their independence.

Many of my mum's friends are gone, sick or very frail and she is reminded constantly that her own luck may run out all two soon. She loves to tell anyone that will listen that she still plays tennis.

Talk to you mum about how you are feeling and I am truly sorry that you facing difficult health challenges.

 

[NMAmy]

It strikes me as odd, too. But for example, when she had breast cancer surgery several years ago, no one told me "because we didn't want you to worry". The only reason they ever told me, later, was so I'd know my family history for mammograms. And when they found an aortic aneurism in my father, no one told me (I found out by accident).

But why can't you break the cycle and tell your mother about your medical issues? It seems to me that it would make your life less stressful to be honest and share the information as opposed to trying to get even with them for not telling you about the breast cancer surgery.

Maybe if you're more open with your parents, they'll respond by being more open with you.

 

[Singledad]

i understand were you are coming from. my dad would do the same things. i never know what is going on with his health, not even 'after the fact', which makes those medical history questions very hard. i have to say 'i think' or 'i suspect' way too often. this said, I do not keep my medical information away from my dad. I always say, 'oh just letting you know, i was dianosed with diabeties last week and now am on a new medication.' or whatever it is. If anything, if scared of if she will 'look down' on you about it, start the conversation about it like, 'mom, I don't know what to do. the doctor said that due to my back that he expects me to be in a wheelchair in about 6 months. I don't want to have to use a wheelchair! I mean, you don't have to use one, and I don't want people thinking I am just being lazy, even if I honestly need it.' or something like that. make it about your worries about how others (NOT your family) will treat you or act. this is a bit of a passive way of finding out just how she would feel about YOU being the one needing a scooter. and shows that you don't *want* this, but may *need* it.
either way, I wish you well, both your health and with the situation.