Declining a holiday party invite... Do you feel you need to give a reason...

DH is just tell her, its because her house is filthy and disgusting.... and there is cat hair everywhere, so bad you can't sit down... without getting up and looking like you are part Yeti, and we don't want to hear about her political views that she will be spewing the whole time... and there was some other comments that aren't Disney friendly.... so the truth basically...


Is my Mother in Law the one who invited you?!?!?! Sounds like her house...I haven't been there in years and it's just not a good situation! She's a lot like the person you described, "why not"? a lot we get and it's hard to navigate the right words with a family member, however I think you are under absolutely under no obligation to go any further than you already have with your perfectly polite and well crafted RSVP.
 
I go to all family events, but turn down most other invites. I like to be left alone as my FT job is a nurse caring for everyone all the time. I just respond that we have other plans or will be out of town. No further questions asked.
 


Considering the conditions you outlined about the home and the political windbagging, I'm wondering if most/all of the invitations are being declined.

This was my first thought. No takers for her holiday bash.

OP you went above and beyond what is necessary and i would ignore any further prodding. I would let someone else finally tell her the truth.
 
So we have been invited to a holiday open house party at some friends house... We declined, I rsvp'ed and just said sorry we can't make it... hope you have a great time... we are just very casual friends with... they are friend of some other friends sorta thing....

I got a text, asking why we weren't coming?

I rsvp'ed and think that should be enough... most people don't even rsvp...

I responded with "we have other obligations, sorry we can't make it and again have a wonderful time"...

She texted back... " What other OBLIGATIONS ???"

Which I did not respond back to...

DH is just tell her, its because her house is filthy and disgusting.... and there is cat hair everywhere, so bad you can't sit down... without getting up and looking like you are part Yeti, and we don't want to hear about her political views that she will be spewing the whole time... and there was some other comments that aren't Disney friendly.... so the truth basically...

We do have another function earlier in the day, so not really a out and out lie... but a stretch... for sure...

So should I once again respond "Sorry we can't make it"... and leave it at that... or just not respond back at all...
I would say no more. They are being rude at this point.
 
OP here...

Thanks everyone..

So I called my other friend to sorta dig around and find out what was going on... She said that most people are declining including them....and the hostess doesn't understand why people are declining for this year...

As a couple we enjoy being around them and they are super fun ... except when the topic of politic's comes up... we have all agreed to keep politics out of our conversations when we are in a group... during the last elections 2 of the guys almost came to blows when a discussion over politics got totally out of control... I really don't want to hurt their feelings, I just don't want to go to their house...

I did text her back, We have already committed ourselves elsewhere, Let's meet out for dinner soon..... She responded Okay let me know later on what's good for y'all...
 


OP here...

Thanks everyone..

So I called my other friend to sorta dig around and find out what was going on... She said that most people are declining including them....and the hostess doesn't understand why people are declining for this year...

As a couple we enjoy being around them and they are super fun ... except when the topic of politic's comes up... we have all agreed to keep politics out of our conversations when we are in a group... during the last elections 2 of the guys almost came to blows when a discussion over politics got totally out of control... I really don't want to hurt their feelings, I just don't want to go to their house...

I did text her back, We have already committed ourselves elsewhere, Let's meet out for dinner soon..... She responded Okay let me know later on what's good for y'all...

Thanks for the update. I would also feel bad for your friend that everyone is declining the invite to her party - that's not a good feeling as a hostess. But I definitely understand your position, and think her prying as to why you aren't coming was out of line. I think your response about going out for dinner soon was perfect, and I'd probably try to arrange that sooner rather than later. Maybe even bring a bottle of wine or something to say sorry you couldn't make it to their party.
 
Thanks for the update. I would also feel bad for your friend that everyone is declining the invite to her party - that's not a good feeling as a hostess. But I definitely understand your position, and think her prying as to why you aren't coming was out of line. I think your response about going out for dinner soon was perfect, and I'd probably try to arrange that sooner rather than later. Maybe even bring a bottle of wine or something to say sorry you couldn't make it to their party.


Great idea... Thanks
 
Your response is more than enough. I have a party every year and I know going in that there will be several people who decline. It can’t be helped at Christmas time. I have the party when I can and enjoy the people who can come.
 
Your response is more than enough. I have a party every year and I know going in that there will be several people who decline. It can’t be helped at Christmas time. I have the party when I can and enjoy the people who can come.
Agree that @LovesTimone was very gracious in how she handled the situation; a hostess pressuring guests is a little cringy, IMO. Whenever I host a large(ish) gathering I always invite more people than I actually hope to host because there will always be people who can’t (or don’t want to) make it, especially at Christmas.

Funny thing about how uncomfortable some people find having to decline though. :rolleyes1 I'm in the “polite no” camp myself and don’t batt an eyelash if people don’t accept my invitations. I’m hosting a luncheon tomorrow and about half the original guest list have declined. Three ladies in particular have fallen all over themselves with apologies and reasons they can’t come, one has contacted me three times. Enough already - it’s really NBD and it’s starting to feel weird. Maybe I should steal the “let’s get together for dinner” idea just to put it to rest.
 
Every etiquette column I've read says that it's very rude to push for a reason when someone declines your invitation. All that's required is "sorry, we won't be able to make it." You were kind to reply to the first demand for a reason, I wouldn't respond to the second.
Unless, of course, you're not actually sorry ;)

Dear Abby/Ann Landers response to persistent questions like this: "I'll forgive you for asking if you'll forgive me for not answering."
 
Agree that @LovesTimone was very gracious in how she handled the situation; a hostess pressuring guests is a little cringy, IMO. Whenever I host a large(ish) gathering I always invite more people than I actually hope to host because there will always be people who can’t (or don’t want to) make it, especially at Christmas.

Funny thing about how uncomfortable some people find having to decline though. :rolleyes1 I'm in the “polite no” camp myself and don’t batt an eyelash if people don’t accept my invitations. I’m hosting a luncheon tomorrow and about half the original guest list have declined. Three ladies in particular have fallen all over themselves with apologies and reasons they can’t come, one has contacted me three times. Enough already - it’s really NBD and it’s starting to feel weird. Maybe I should steal the “let’s get together for dinner” idea just to put it to rest.
Maybe they really do feel bad about not being able to attend, but that kind of exaggerated response would get a side-eye from me. :magnify: Even though I'd be thinking to myself "for the love of god, you aren't coming. I don't care that much about you to re-visit this three different times. Go away!"

Hmmm, maybe that's why I try not to host gatherings. :cool:
 
Then be brutally honest with people. That works too.

Oh, trust me, I am! I think that is the thing most people know me for - brutal honesty. It's either scary or refreshing, I have been told. I don't mince words or say "yes" to things that I don't want to do. Life is too short to do anything but what makes sense/makes you happy.

I am cool with being known as the "mean" person because I refuse to make anyone happy at the expense of my own mental health.

Those in my circle love me for it and accept me in spite of it. So, it's all good.
 
Maybe they really do feel bad about not being able to attend, but that kind of exaggerated response would get a side-eye from me. :magnify: Even though I'd be thinking to myself "for the love of god, you aren't coming. I don't care that much about you to re-visit this three different times. Go away!"

Hmmm, maybe that's why I try not to host gatherings. :cool:
Ha! :teeth: The ladies that aren't coming are actually pretty close friends of mine so I'm guessing they're a little worried about hurting my feelings. It's not that I don't care exactly, but let's just say I can live with it. ;)
 
She is rude.
It is none of her business what your "obligation" is.
She is rude.
I would not be responding to her again.

A casual friend acting like that will quickly become an acquaintance before she's butting in to all my private business.
 
I feel badly for your acquaintance that her party is going to flop. How would she handle it if someone (not suggesting you, someone closer to her) told her the truth?
 
I wouldn't respond. You gave your RSVP. Her pushing is a bit odd.

Pushing it is a bit odd in your case as I get the vibe you are not so close anyways... I would expect such pushing from close family and friends. If my BFF was having a party and I only said " we have other obligations" she would push it as normally she knows everything I do anyways.. or my mom would do this too. My missing her party would have to be a really good reason and she would feel obliged to know.. but that is our relationship.
 

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