This is a tough topic and tough to write about but I am hoping to get some help.
I have suspected and recently found out with 99% certainty that my 12 year old dd is gay. I have no problem with her being gay. I love her no matter what.
I found out through a trail of social media and texts (I do check up on my kids from time to time).
She hasn't told us and I don't know if it is something I should let her know that I know.
I don't want her going through her teen years worrying about our reaction. There will be no reaction beyond-we love you, is there anything you need from us. I know some kids have a really hard time once they discover they are gay and for some, it takes years for them to come out. I don't want her worrying about her family.
I don't necessarily think it's important at this age to come all the way out (middle school kids can be cruel) but for those who are either gay or have a gay child, would it be a help for her to know that her parents love her no matter what?
How would you approach this? Any personal experience welcome. I posted this on the Community board and someone suggested I also post here. I hope this is ok.
I have an 18 year old daughter who recently came out to me, and discussed questioning her sexuality before she finally worked out how she felt about it and came out. In our case, the situation was a bit more complicated because she has autism, and it makes social interactions of any kind difficult.
We have gay friends, some of whom are married, so she knew that we didn't have a particularly negative view of it. Also, when she was small, we voiced our support for marriage equality because, when we married, our marriage had only been legal everywhere for about 26 years. (We are a biracial couple.) This made it easier for her, I think, because it made clear that we didn't think it was particularly bad or wrong. However, if this isn't your situation, talking generally about the news as someone else suggested can get the point across, too.
I would pretty much suggest what others have suggested--express your unconditional love, and discuss the news on gay marriage in a positive light. I would add one thing--if and when you have "the talk" with your child, make sure that "the talk" includes matters of both gay and heterosexual safety. This may not be covered in your local school's curriculum, and you don't want your child hurt by ignorance. Also, by presenting both, you're showing that you don't particularly regard lesbian sexual relationships as bad, and implies you would be okay with it, without making any assumptions about whether or not she actually is gay. Make clear that you consider this general information, not specific to a particular sexual orientation, and always stress healthy relationship skills.
If and when your daughter comes out, if you live in an urban area, you might see if there is an LGBTQ youth center. (We are lucky to have an excellent one here in our area.) If not, Planned Parenthood has some excellent forums where questions a young person might be uncomfortable asking a parent can be answered.
One thing about which you should use appropriate caution--look into where your child will attend high school, regardless of whether or not it is public or private. Be sure it has a welcoming policy towards its gay students. Even if you, personally, have no problems with gay relationships, if there's a bad environment at the school, it will have an effect on her physical, mental and academic situation if she is trying to work out her sexual orientation. If it's not supportive, I'd find a way to get her to a school with an environment that will allow her to sort out her feelings without undue pressure, if that's possible. You shouldn't confront her with your own suspicions, but saying something like, "I'm not comfortable with some of the discriminatory policies (or behavior) at the school. I don't like bullying, and I'd like you to be somewhere people treat each other with more respect, regardless of their sexual orientation, so, if it's all right with you, I'd like us to consider <new school name>." gets the point across that you think gay students should be treated with respect, but says nothing about your child's sexuality. If the school does seem to be supportive, saying something like, "I'm very glad that your school has a respectful policy towards all of its students, regardless of their sexual orientation. That's the way we should treat each other." might be worth doing. Again, it says a lot about your attitude towards gay people, but nothing, in particular, about your child's sexuality.
Like the others mentioned, I wouldn't try to discuss your child's sexual orientation with her right now. She'll talk about it when she's ready, and she may not yet know. Good on you for being a supportive mom, however. It's obvious you love your child very much, and are trying to do what's best for her. Good luck to you both--being 12 is tough, and being a parent is tough.