How do you split expenses with a significant other when your salaries are far apart?

[fractalpotato]

Hi all,

I have an upcoming trip (see signature!) with my girlfriend coming up, and it's own first trip together! We are both Disney fans and have been a bunch separately, but now we're together (Seriously, one of the first questions we asked each other was favorite theme park, we both said Epcot and I nearly proposed to her on the spot!) and going on this trip has been so exciting for us. It's combined with my best friend's wedding at the end of the trip, so it's a bit of a long stay.

I am normally a spender, I'm lucky to have a job in the Manhattan financial area and make in the upper low-moderate 6 figures ($200k), so Disney never put much of a dent in me. Her job is in PR and pays in lower 5 figures. She 'commutes' to NYC from PA for her job, but really she spends most of her time in my apartment and tends to pick up all the groceries and household things. I cover all the going out expenses, plus I pay for the utilities and internet and such.

For our upcoming trip, it started as me inviting her to be my wedding date, and then grew in to a full trip from there. As such the original invite was with me covering airfare, the hotel stay for the wedding and wedding gift expenses, as well as my usual covering of food and beverage and such. Basically free for her, she insisted on contributing but I told her it wasn't needed. Once we decided to add Disney on we agreed she was getting her park tickets and some of the food. To that end she's been cashing in her credit card points for Disney gift cards. I got our car rental for free out of reward points, so that's not included, and we upgraded our seats on JetBlue to the extra space/priority boarding, which we split. All in all, I'm really excited for the trip and I'm appreciative that she chipped in as much as she did but she keeps wanting to chip in more. I've told her however not to worry about it, and I really enjoy treating her (and I do!), even so far as prepaying for a Dessert Party for the two of us as well!

Lately some of my friends and coworkers asked me about the trip and when I elaborated on the plans they expressed concern about the cost of the trip. They don't know what she makes, but they know roughly the scale of gap in our incomes and they started telling me I'm paying for too much. Now, I am one who says that I'd rather spend the money on myself and those around me than hoard it. All of my expenses are well handled, I have no debt other than one remaining student loan which is on track for an ahead of schedule repayment, I have several months emergency savings, so saving more starts to get a little overkill. I prefer to share the fun, but now I'm ever so slightly concerned that I'm going too far.

So how would you all handle it? Am I covering too much? Should I expect her to pay more? Should I expect her to pay the same and we should scale down the trip?

It's not that vexing a problem, really mostly a curiosity because I've spoken to her about it and she said she's really excited and not at all bothered by the amounts we pitched in, my friends are just nosy. Still, it's a curiosity and I'd like to see what everyone else thinks

Matt

EDIT: I clarified my income.

 

[dclpluto]

Hi all,

I have an upcoming trip (see signature!) with my girlfriend coming up, and it's own first trip together! We are both Disney fans and have been a bunch separately, but now we're together (Seriously, one of the first questions we asked each other was favorite theme park, we both said Epcot and I nearly proposed to her on the spot!) and going on this trip has been so exciting for us. It's combined with my best friend's wedding at the end of the trip, so it's a bit of a long stay.

I am normally a spender, I'm lucky to have a job in the Manhattan financial area and make in the upper 6 figures, so Disney never put much of a dent in me. Her job is in PR and pays in lower 5 figures. She 'commutes' to NYC from PA for her job, but really she spends most of her time in my apartment and tends to pick up all the groceries and household things. I cover all the going out expenses, plus I pay for the utilities and internet and such.

For our upcoming trip, it started as me inviting her to be my wedding date, and then grew in to a full trip from there. As such the original invite was with me covering airfare, the hotel stay for the wedding and wedding gift expenses, as well as my usual covering of food and beverage and such. Basically free for her, she insisted on contributing but I told her it wasn't needed. Once we decided to add Disney on we agreed she was getting her park tickets and some of the food. To that end she's been cashing in her credit card points for Disney gift cards. I got our car rental for free out of reward points, so that's not included, and we upgraded our seats on JetBlue to the extra space/priority boarding, which we split. All in all, I'm really excited for the trip and I'm appreciative that she chipped in as much as she did but she keeps wanting to chip in more. I've told her however not to worry about it, and I really enjoy treating her (and I do!), even so far as prepaying for a Dessert Party for the two of us as well!

Lately some of my friends and coworkers asked me about the trip and when I elaborated on the plans they expressed concern about the cost of the trip. They don't know what she makes, but they know roughly the scale of gap in our incomes and they started telling me I'm paying for too much. Now, I am one who says that I'd rather spend the money on myself and those around me than hoard it. All of my expenses are well handled, I have no debt other than one remaining student loan which is on track for an ahead of schedule repayment, I have several months emergency savings, so saving more starts to get a little overkill. I prefer to share the fun, but now I'm ever so slightly concerned that I'm going too far.

So how would you all handle it? Am I covering too much? Should I expect her to pay more? Should I expect her to pay the same and we should scale down the trip?

It's not that vexing a problem, really mostly a curiosity because I've spoken to her about it and she said she's really excited and not at all bothered by the amounts we pitched in, my friends are just nosy. Still, it's a curiosity and I'd like to see what everyone else thinks

Matt

No you are not covering too much. You make very good money. Take care of this girl.

 

[Kimberle]

You have to do what feels right to you and her, period. It's none of your friends business. Tell them in a nice way to "butt out". Don't give them any information.

 

[Kirk]

I'm with dclpluto and Kimberle, forget your friends! They are not significant! She is! Make her feel that way!

 

[olliesmom]

It sounds like this started off as you inviting her to be your guest at a friend's wedding, so completely appropriate IMO that you covered the initial costs associated with that. As it's turned into an extended trip including Disney, I think it's fair that she has offered to contribute. With the significant difference in your salaries I would graciously accept what she does chip in for, but would not be concerned whether you are paying too much - especially as she started off as an invited guest on this trip.

 

[amberpi]

I'd do and have done similar. A lot of my friends are teachers and I regularly treat them to things they couldn't do all the time because I want their company and I don't want them to have to worry. I'm financially secure and a fancy dinner isn't even a thought for me. I fly friends and SOs all the time because I have points to burn and often have free hotels. If your house is in order, then why not spoil this woman you obviously value? She's sounds like a good one for wanting to contribute. Enjoy it, life is terribly short.

 

[Hikergirl]

Tell your friends that it is none of their business that you and her are OK with the agreement and that is all that matters.
It sounds like you and her are going to have a great trip!

 

[LYSE]

Doesn't matter as long as your both comfortable with it.

Especially if you might end up married....

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I take it you're not married yet? Sounds ok to me.

 

[wilkeliza]

If you never thought you were paying too much until coworkers/friends mentioned it then don't worry.

Also hot tip stop talking to friends and coworkers about differences in income and what you are paying for etc. If you see a future with this girl it will never be 100% equal and to try and make it that way would just lead to bitterness between you. Also think about how she would feel if she was on here and knew you just shared financial information with a bunch of strangers. Just a thought as you continue your journey together.

 

[DawnM]

You aren't paying too much.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Honestly? Your friends sound like jerks.

 

[tasha99]

My boyfriend and I are similar (he also works in finance in nyc, but I work in healthcare). We pay as we think is fair--both of us putting in what we can. For him that's more money. For me that's more housework. I have dvc points and a lot of airline miles and hotel points, since we met when I was doing travel therapy, and those were wracked up for me. On our recent Disneyland trip, I got our flights and a 2BR villa at vgc with points because I had them. If both people are invested in the relationship and doing what they can, I think it's fine for one to pay more than the other.

Also, this is none of your friends' business.

 

[Mirielle]

I think it'd be great if you paid every single dime of the trip.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

So since you're making upper 6 figures, it sounds like the money isn't even an after thought, so go ahead and treat her. I'm not in that position financially (most aren't), so I have to be a little stingier when it comes to sharing expenses but if I was in your shoes, I'd absolutely treat.

 

[gillep]

I would stop sharing financial information with your friends and coworkers. You and your girlfriend seem to be approaching this in a very collaborative manner, and you seemed as if you were happy with the arrangement prior to speaking to these friends and coworkers. I would be very upset if I were the girlfriend and found out that you were discussing this with these people and not with me. If you are happy with her contribution that's great, if you feel that she should be contributing more then you need to have that discussion directly with her.

Also, I will add that DH and I have always had a vast disparity in our incomes, I work for a non profit and he is a computer programmer. We have never once fought about money, it is a complete non-issue in our marriage. We collaborate regarding our bills, and how to best divide them, and any expenses that come up, it really all just comes down to communication.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

Your friends should not be party to any of this.

That said, my spouse made a lot more than I did when we met, and we approached things in percentages based on our incomes. Now we're much closer in income (and married...), so things pretty much come from the same pot.

 

[DaisyJ]

All our money goes in one pot and has since the day we were married. That obviously doesn't work if you aren't married. I am surprised you still have student debt, since you claim to make almost a million dollars a year.

 

[bdcp]

Honestly, it's none of your friend's business. You should spend what you want to on her. DH has always made more than me and all our money is OUR money and always has been. I was a SAHM for 14 years and it was still our money and I paid all the bills and still do. Our youngest DS and his wife, both 31 also do it that way for the most part. When you say "upper six figures", do you really mean over half a million a year? If you do, then spending on a vacation like you're talking, you would never notice.

 

[Disneylover99]

It sounds like she is trying to pay for what she can. It doesn't sound like she's using you for your money.
If you love her, treat her!