How do you split expenses with a significant other when your salaries are far apart?

[sk!mom]

If you are making close to a million per year and she is making less than $50,000, then the only way a relationship is going to work is for you to pay more than her in almost all cases since she can afford very little in an expensive area.

Since you both seem fine with the arrangements, then the real problem is boundaries with friends. Quit giving out personal information!

Have fun on your trip!

 

[Poohforyou]

Stop sharing so much. I'd be pissed if my husband shared my salary information like that with coworkers. It isn't any of their business. Stop being an open book.

 

[DawnM]

Stop sharing so much. I'd be pissed if my husband shared my salary information like that with coworkers. It isn't any of their business. Stop being an open book.

Well, my salary is public knowledge and anyone can look it up, so I really don't care. But I might care more if my salary weren't posted.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Seriously agree with those who are saying to stop talking to your dang co-workers about it. Again like PPs mentioned if you're making $500k+ and she's making less and $30-40k (based on upper 6 figures and lower five) then your spending won't be 50/50 ever.

I do think it's worth a conversation to see if she's comfortable with how much you're spending on this trip. She may keep offering to pay more because the trip keeps getting bigger and bigger and she may not be comfortable with you spending so much that she couldn't contribute equally. This makes some people really uncomfortable (especially earlier in relationships).

 

[katie01]

I think your arrangement sounds perfect. You said it's not a financial burden for you, so it is very thoughtful of you to want to treat her, and she also sounds thoughtful because she is thinking of you and not wanting to take advantage of you financially, and at least offering to pay what she can. It sounds like she's a keeper and so are you--both of you trying to put the others' needs and feelings ahead of your own. Enjoy your trip and don't listen to your "friends", they sound kind of stingy honestly.

 

[fractalpotato]

Thanks for all the input everyone! Like I mentioned, we've discussed this and we're good with it, there isn't a problem, I was just curious about other perspectives.

A couple points I'd like to revisit though, first up, I phrased my post...uh... poorly, in terms of my income:

When you say "upper six figures", do you really mean over half a million a year? If you do, then spending on a vacation like you're talking, you would never notice.

All our money goes in one pot and has since the day we were married. That obviously doesn't work if you aren't married. I am surprised you still have student debt, since you claim to make almost a million dollars a year.

If you are making close to a million per year and she is making less than $50,000, then the only way a relationship is going to work is for you to pay more than her in almost all cases since she can afford very little in an expensive area.

Upper six figures was a bad way to phrase that, I was thinking relatively, I'm the highest earner in my family so from my perspective it's upper, it's really closer to a bit over 200k a year, and the remaining loan is very nearly gone. I also didn't make this sort of money until just a few years ago.

I take it you're not married yet? Sounds ok to me.

Haha, no, not yet, though I'm curious how that would change anything for you?

Stop sharing so much. I'd be pissed if my husband shared my salary information like that with coworkers. It isn't any of their business. Stop being an open book.

Whoaaaaaaa, I never said I gave out this information, my girlfriend mentioned it while out with my friends. We have a lot of friends in the same industries, we know what financials are like around here. I am not an "open book", and I haven't shared any personal information on her behalf with our friends. She brought it up.

Honestly, it's none of your friend's business. You should spend what you want to on her. DH has always made more than me and all our money is OUR money and always has been. I was a SAHM for 14 years and it was still our money and I paid all the bills and still do. Our youngest DS and his wife, both 31 also do it that way for the most part.

Since you both seem fine with the arrangements, then the real problem is boundaries with friends. Quit giving out personal information!

Have fun on your trip!

I feel like there is a lot of assumptions on the amount of information I just "give away" to my friends and coworkers. In all of these cases their knowledge of her salary came from her, not me, and in most cases they know what the trip costs are because they do similar things.

Matt

 

[ols386]

I think how you two are planning it, is fine.

I'm sure it will be a great trip.

 

[Disney_traveler]

Do you always do what your friends tell you to do?

Your life, your significant other.

 

[LYSE]

Haha, no, not yet, though I'm curious how that would change anything for you?

While you didn't direct this at me, I'll chime in...it changes everything Imo, once your married and are confident your spending your lives together I don't see a point in splitting costs and acting like individuals looking out for their own best interest, especially once you have kids.

I know married couples still attempt to do that, but that's just my take on it.. (and my wife is a stay at home mom)

imo when your dating attempting to share cost however you can makes sense mainly to make sure you aren't being taken advantage of.

 

[tzolkin]

Personally, if I made a significant income and I wanted to go on a trip, I would just pay the entire expense for my guest (whether it was a boyfriend, sibling, parent, or whoever).

I could see letting them pay for something if they were really insistent about contributing, but it would never enter my mind to divide the cost.


[QUOTE="fractalpotato, post: 57946889, member: 602713]



Haha, no, not yet, though I'm curious how that would change anything for you?


Matt[/QUOTE]
I'm not the poster you were asking, but in my opinion marriage should completely eliminate this from even being a question. Do you believe that most married couples each chip in equal (or proportional) shares to cover the expense of a vacation? What about other expenses like food, home, etc?

 

[fractalpotato]

While you didn't direct this at me, I'll chime in...it changes everything Imo, once your married and are confident your spending your lives together I don't see a point in splitting costs and acting like individuals looking out for their own best interest, especially once you have kids.

I know married couples still attempt to do that, but that's just my take on it.. (and my wife is a stay at home mom)

imo when your dating attempting to share cost however you can makes sense mainly to make sure you aren't being taken advantage of.

So, I have seen this from two perspectives, my parents and one of my close friends. My parents pooled everything, whenever they got paid it went in to one account and they spent from that. There was occasionally some arguments (I'll never forgot my father going "I didn't even know shoes could cost that much!" often.) but generally they were pretty happy and we did well. My parents never made a lot of money until late in life, and they racked up some debt because they didn't want to deny my sister or I anything. These days we're feverishly trying to repay them but they won't take it, but that's besides the point.

Then my friend and his wife have individual checking accounts from which they contribute some money toward a joint bill account, and they are always fighting. They don't seem to have a good grip on their finances and as far as I know, they keep their personal account balances somewhat secret, by that I mean not advertised. If asked they disclose it but otherwise don't mention it. To that end, as far as I know, they have no budgeting in place because they don't even know what they have, I would never want that!

As far as sharing costs go, I believe in my parents philosophy, and I think it translates even to dating for me. I like that she contributes what she can, but I'll never require it be equal to my own. If her income takes off and she can, cool, but if not, I'm just happy to have her with me. She's pretty stubborn about contributing, she wants to pitch in something, she doesn't like being completely paid for but I like to spoil her!

Personally, if I made a significant income and I wanted to go on a trip, I would just pay the entire expense for my guest (whether it was a boyfriend, sibling, parent, or whoever).

I could see letting them pay for something if they were really insistent about contributing, but it would never enter my mind to divide the cost.

Haha, no, not yet, though I'm curious how that would change anything for you?

Matt

I'm not the poster you were asking, but in my opinion marriage should completely eliminate this from even being a question. Do you believe that most married couples each chip in equal (or proportional) shares to cover the expense of a vacation? What about other expenses like food, home, etc?

As I mentioned above, I believe I'd fall in to the same style as my parents, sharing resources, financial or otherwise. I don't understand the idea of squabbling for perfect equality. I know in at least some of my friends cases they worry that I'm too easily taken for a ride, they view my generosity as a potential point of abuse. So while they may be slightly out of line, their hearts are in the right place, my coworkers are nosy and annoying and I appease them insofar as I need to maintain a healthy workplace.

Matt

 

[mummabear]

She's pretty stubborn about contributing, she wants to pitch in something, she doesn't like being completely paid for but I like to spoil her!

I think this is a good sign. She doesn't sound like someone wanting to use younfor our money, she wants to contribute she just doesn't have the resources.
If you were concerned I would look for red flags of someone too comfortable spending your money and she really doesn't seem to be.

 

[fractalpotato]

I think this is a good sign. She doesn't sound like someone wanting to use younfor our money, she wants to contribute she just doesn't have the resources.
If you were concerned I would look for red flags of someone too comfortable spending your money and she really doesn't seem to be.

Oh she's great, and I do understand, I've had the misfortune of meeting someone like that in my past, fortunately it didn't last long. I am a compulsive budgeter and noticed immediately when my spending habits were changing and put that to bed myself.

Current girlfriend is extremely considerate, I mentioned in passing I was having a bad day at work and when I got home she had dinner cooking and a new LEGO coffee mug waiting for me. I didn't even know such a thing existed. Unfortunately ABS taints the taste of coffee (learned that the hard way) but I love the way it looks on my desk holding pens!

Matt

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Haha, no, not yet, though I'm curious how that would change anything for you?

Sure. When you're not married you don't combine your accounts. You keep them separate and your credit cards separate and you determine who pays what expense like on dates and the like. Before you are married, you maintain your separate financial lives. Once you're married it's no longer your and my money or your bill and my bill. It is our money. It is our expenses. And any major expenditure should be agreed upon. No more separate bank accounts and separate expenses and you pay that bill and I pay that bill.

 

[Disney_traveler]

Sure. When you're not married you don't combine your accounts. You keep them separate and your credit cards separate and you determine who pays what expense like on dates and the like. Before you are married, you maintain your separate financial lives. Once you're married it's no longer your and my money or your bill and my bill. It is our money. It is our expenses. And any major expenditure should be agreed upon. No more separate bank accounts and separate expenses and you pay that bill and I pay that bill.

My biological uncle and his second wife have separate accounts. They each contribute to bills, but all else is each to their own.
My parents (only time either mom or was married) have separate accounts but each contribute to bills.
Other the other hand is my biological aunt and married uncle that have everything together and he is "the man of the house" that micromanages and grouches about every expenditure my aunt makes while him and brother continually funnel money to his sister (married to a man with a high paying job) and their 2 kids (both out of school, working and living on own but want to play and behave beyond their means).
Different strokes for different folks.

 

[fractalpotato]

Sure. When you're not married you don't combine your accounts. You keep them separate and your credit cards separate and you determine who pays what expense like on dates and the like. Before you are married, you maintain your separate financial lives. Once you're married it's no longer your and my money or your bill and my bill. It is our money. It is our expenses. And any major expenditure should be agreed upon. No more separate bank accounts and separate expenses and you pay that bill and I pay that bill.

I agree, but even in that case, it would still be a matter of me paying more than her, it's just masked by a shared financial account. I'm totally on board with that, and completely agree, but it doesn't actually change the math. Then again, I didn't have a problem with the math to begin with, I think the moral of the story is my friends are well meaning but nosy and my coworkers are just nosy and I should probably go back to vacation planning!

Matt

 

[Disney_traveler]

I agree, but even in that case, it would still be a matter of me paying more than her, it's just masked by a shared financial account. I'm totally on board with that, and completely agree, but it doesn't actually change the math. Then again, I didn't have a problem with the math to begin with, I think the moral of the story is my friends are well meaning but nosy and my coworkers are just nosy and I should probably go back to vacation planning!

Matt

And having fun with a great match!

 

[sk!mom]

So while they may be slightly out of line, their hearts are in the right place, my coworkers are nosy and annoying and I appease them insofar as I need to maintain a healthy workplace.

Matt

Actually, sharing personal financial information doesn't seem very healthy. I'm trying to imagine the conversation...

You: We've decided to add a trip to WDW to our wedding trip. (That seems like a normal discussion.)
Coworker: So who's paying for the trip? (Screech!!! I can't even imagine this and it would be met with a comment like, why would you ask that?)

Since you seem to really care for this girl, I would suggest that you stop talking about the lack in her salary as well as personal details of how you two are building your relationship. I think that she would be hurt to hear your coworkers discuss her so negatively.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm not sure why you would even feel the need to ask this question. If you didn't have a problem with the math, you wouldn't have posted this thread.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

When my dh and I dated - he paid for everything. He made more than I but not like the disparity between the 2 of you. It doesn't matter. He always paid. I would pay in other ways like what your girlfriend is doing - I would pick up the tip or buy him things. When we got married 25 years ago we pooled our money together and it's still like that to this day. Have a great trip - worry less about your friends and what they do or how they react and worry more about making each other happy!