How do you split expenses with a significant other when your salaries are far apart?

[fractalpotato]

Actually, sharing personal financial information doesn't seem very healthy. I'm trying to imagine the conversation...

You: We've decided to add a trip to WDW to our wedding trip. (That seems like a normal discussion.)
Coworker: So who's paying for the trip? (Screech!!! I can't even imagine this and it would be met with a comment like, why would you ask that?)

Since you seem to really care for this girl, I would suggest that you stop talking about the lack in her salary as well as personal details of how you two are building your relationship. I think that she would be hurt to hear your coworkers discuss her so negatively.

I don't speak of her "lack of a salary", as I've mentioned above, people know either from her discussing it in their presence (friends) or from simply knowing what her job is and what that industry pays (coworkers). They are nosy and out of line but indulging their one obnoxious comment on the subject is better than having them annoyed at me for ignoring them and harassing me all week.

I'm not sure why you would even feel the need to ask this question. If you didn't have a problem with the math, you wouldn't have posted this thread.

I don't have a problem with the math, of anything I'd rather pay more. My question was if I should have a problem with the math, sounds like I shouldn't, which is great. I posted this to get a neutral third party opinion because I have a history of missing flags in this particular minefield. Which is why people are concerned with the subject.

Matt

 

[kamik86]

I don't speak of her "lack of a salary", as I've mentioned above, people know either from her discussing it in their presence (friends) or from simply knowing what her job is and what that industry pays (coworkers). They are nosy and out of line but indulging their one obnoxious comment on the subject is better than having them annoyed at me for ignoring them and harassing me all week.



I don't have a problem with the math, of anything I'd rather pay more. My question was if I should have a problem with the math, sounds like I shouldn't, which is great. I posted this to get a neutral third party opinion because I have a history of missing flags in this particular minefield. Which is why people are concerned with the subject.

Matt

Comments that people make like that always annoy me.

In my case though its also some added sexism too it. People ask me often if it bothers me that I make so much more then my husband or if it bothers my husband that I make so much more then him (my salary is about 4 times his) people know this is they know where we work because he works at Target and I work as an engineer so just from a simple innocent question of what we do most people will figure out that there is a pretty good disparity.

Most of the time I just give an answer like "Nope, why should it?" to which I have yet to have anyone manage a real answer... probably because they realize if they answer it with what they were thinking they will sound like a shallow jerk.

 

[fractalpotato]

Comments that people make like that always annoy me.

In my case though its also some added sexism too it. People ask me often if it bothers me that I make so much more then my husband or if it bothers my husband that I make so much more then him (my salary is about 4 times his) people know this is they know where we work because he works at Target and I work as an engineer so just from a simple innocent question of what we do most people will figure out that there is a pretty good disparity.

Most of the time I just give an answer like "Nope, why should it?" to which I have yet to have anyone manage a real answer... probably because they realize if they answer it with what they were thinking they will sound like a shallow jerk.

It is frustrating to have everyone assume I'm walking around handing out bank statements, but I can understand that I didn't clarify how they come to know about the income disparity. I generally avoid the topic where I can but the reality of office politics is snubbing people who have authority over me is just not a good career move, so I sidestep where I can and suck it up where I can't. In a perfect world I could hold my ground and not spend months and years dealing with subtle ramifications...

It sucks that sexism becomes a problem too for you and others, that's even more frustrating, I'm glad you seem to be able to take it in stride though, wish you didn't have to.

Matt

 

[tzolkin]

I know in at least some of my friends cases they worry that I'm too easily taken for a ride, they view my generosity as a potential point of abuse.

That is certainly something to consider. I think you realize with her insistence on contributing that she's not that type of person. But another way to weigh that would be what you're spending the money on. Like I mentioned in a previous post, if this is a trip that you want to take and she is providing company, it's a non-issue if you decided to pay for everything. If she was the one coming up with trips, expensive meals, shopping sprees, etc and you were just going along with it, I could see where that would be taking advantage of your generosity.

I agree, but even in that case, it would still be a matter of me paying more than her, it's just masked by a shared financial account. I'm totally on board with that, and completely agree, but it doesn't actually change the math. Then again, I didn't have a problem with the math to begin with, I think the moral of the story is my friends are well meaning but nosy and my coworkers are just nosy and I should probably go back to vacation planning!

I think it's just a complete change in the mindset, not just ignoring who is "really" paying for what.

My husband and I are very "math" oriented when it comes to finances-- extremely detailed budgeting, planning, goal setting (licensed financial advisor and just enjoy having everything spelled out very clearly with spreadsheets, amortization tables, etc). But I can assure you that there has never once in our 19 years been a moment where either of us has considered the math on who is paying what percentage for what.

I think people keeping track (even subconsciously) of the math is a major factor for marital issues and resentment. That's how situations arise where one partner is a stay-at-home-parent and the other partner winds up with more control because they feel like s/he is the one "really" paying for everything.

 

[sk!mom]

It is frustrating to have everyone assume I'm walking around handing out bank statements, but I can understand that I didn't clarify how they come to know about the income disparity. I generally avoid the topic where I can but the reality of office politics is snubbing people who have authority over me is just not a good career move, so I sidestep where I can and suck it up where I can't. In a perfect world I could hold my ground and not spend months and years dealing with subtle ramifications...

It sucks that sexism becomes a problem too for you and others, that's even more frustrating, I'm glad you seem to be able to take it in stride though, wish you didn't have to.

Matt

I understand your frustration that we seem to be misunderstanding and here is where I think it's occurring:

I and, I'm sure, many others who have responded work and spend time everyday in conversation with coworkers. I've worked in the same job and with some of my coworkers for 20 years. Some are close friends that I socialize with outside of work. Given all of that, I have no trouble not sharing personal information without being rude, snubbing people, or hurting anyone's feelings. Steering conversations away from things you would rather not discuss is what most of us do. I've never had any ramifications subtle or otherwise. I was actually voted Teacher of the Year last year while being friendly but not over sharing.

I did have one coworker years ago who would ask overly personal questions but I had no trouble keeping my answers vague and then steering the conversation to lighter subjects. I did avoid her but not in a way that anyone would notice. I'm not sure how old you are but maybe that's the issue. I was younger when I worked with this coworker and it took me a while to not be caught off guard by her and answer her questions even when I didn't want to but I caught up quickly and got some boundaries there.

 

[wilkeliza]

It is frustrating to have everyone assume I'm walking around handing out bank statements, but I can understand that I didn't clarify how they come to know about the income disparity. I generally avoid the topic where I can but the reality of office politics is snubbing people who have authority over me is just not a good career move, so I sidestep where I can and suck it up where I can't. In a perfect world I could hold my ground and not spend months and years dealing with subtle ramifications...

It sucks that sexism becomes a problem too for you and others, that's even more frustrating, I'm glad you seem to be able to take it in stride though, wish you didn't have to.

Matt

I think most of us including myself were pointing out what you posted here not just what goes on in office politics. None of us had any clue what either of you make but now we do it and came from you not her.

Also I get office politics but if your office is really that hostile I can't imagine keeping it up long term. What are you going to do when if it gets more serious? Are you going to have to talk about wedding expenses, kids, etc? I guess I've been lucky that I can keep a decently separate work life balance.

 

[Nancyg56]

Honestly? Your friends sound like jerks.

I agree.

Personally, I think how you look at it now is going to come into play if you enter into marriage with this woman. My husband makes way more than me. He always has. Even when he retires his income will be way more than my income is and I will still be working. Mindset makes all the difference. Equal footing cannot be based on equal financial contributions. I know people whose finances drive the relationship equity and I wonder what happens when one gets ill or loses a job?

My husband just cut ties with two of his family members because they told him I use him as my "money man" and then specified vacations I take, and things that we have and do, and that infuriated him. No one should ever feel comfortable enough to insert their own opinions into another couple's business. Granted, they had overstepped in the past, but this was the line my husband drew, and they crossed it. I think that no matter the pushback, you need to take a stand now with your friends. No one interferes in your business with this woman. Period. As I have just pointed out, it does not change after marriage, we just celebrated 25 years.

 

[Wendy31]

DH has always made more than I, but it's always been "our" money. We've never had separate accounts.

Now, he makes all the money, as I'm a stay-at-home, & it's still "our" money. And he's never made me feel like I'm less than or worth less than he is. I don't have an allowance. He doesn't give me "spending money".

And, honestly, I spend more of our money than he does.

 

[TavieP]

My long-term (7-years+) boyfriend and I do a similar sort of expense sharing, although our incomes are much closer together than yours. (We both live in NYC and I make about $25k more than he does.)

We live together and split all shared expenses (rent, groceries, bills) down the middle, but if we do something "extra" like take a cab or order dinner out, I tend to pick up the tab because I have more disposable income left over. When he lets me - he likes to "treat" whenever he can, to feel gentlemanly, and I get it, so I let him when it's possible to.

Now, he won't go to WDW with me so we don't have to worry about that. (He was raised by anti-Disney hipsters.) When I finally do convince him to come with me, I'll probably have to pay for most of his trip expenses just to get him down there - frankly, I have enough friends that love to go with me that I don't really feel the need to shell out that kind of money to go with someone who doesn't want to go!

 

[tzolkin]

DH has always made more than I, but it's always been "our" money. We've never had separate accounts.

Now, he makes all the money, as I'm a stay-at-home, & it's still "our" money. And he's never made me feel like I'm less than or worth less than he is. I don't have an allowance. He doesn't give me "spending money".

And, honestly, I spend more of our money than he does.

I think a big factor for this is recognizing the value (both monetary and otherwise) that each partner is bringing to the relationship.

I have worked full time, stayed at home with babies/toddlers, worked part time, and done volunteer work at various stages. We are more financially comfortable than most people we know who have the same or significantly greater (some even double) household income that we do. DH attributes this to MY contributions, not his own earning potential. Where others may view a stay-at-home parent as having a negative effect on the family's finances, he sees it as a great benefit that has allowed us to thrive.

 

[Nancyg56]

DH has always made more than I, but it's always been "our" money. We've never had separate accounts.

Now, he makes all the money, as I'm a stay-at-home, & it's still "our" money. And he's never made me feel like I'm less than or worth less than he is. I don't have an allowance. He doesn't give me "spending money".

And, honestly, I spend more of our money than he does.

Not too long after we married my DH sister and her husband were discussing her dental bills. She said something about how it was too much of their money. He pounced on her "Whose money?" She was a stay at home mom. If my DH had said anything like that to me, he would have then been afraid to eat anything I cooked for him. Ever.

 

[Hikergirl]

DH has always made more than I, but it's always been "our" money. We've never had separate accounts.

Now, he makes all the money, as I'm a stay-at-home, & it's still "our" money. And he's never made me feel like I'm less than or worth less than he is. I don't have an allowance. He doesn't give me "spending money".

And, honestly, I spend more of our money than he does.

This is me too.
When dh and I first started dating we were making about the same amount of money, but he was going in to grad school and was going to graduate and have a much larger salary than I was ever going to have. It just worked out where we decided that I could stay home after our kids were born because of that.

 

[Wendy31]

I think a big factor for this is recognizing the value (both monetary and otherwise) that each partner is bringing to the relationship.

I have worked full time, stayed at home with babies/toddlers, worked part time, and done volunteer work at various stages. We are more financially comfortable than most people we know who have the same or significantly greater (some even double) household income that we do. DH attributes this to MY contributions, not his own earning potential. Where others may view a stay-at-home parent as having a negative effect on the family's finances, he sees it as a great benefit that has allowed us to thrive.

Yes! This is the way my DH feels too.

Not too long after we married my DH sister and her husband were discussing her dental bills. She said something about how it was too much of their money. He pounced on her "Whose money?" She was a stay at home mom. If my DH had said anything like that to me, he would have then been afraid to eat anything I cooked for him. Ever.

My sister & her DH are the same way. In fact, my sister has a job just so she can feel like she has some money & doesn't have to answer to her DH for every little thing she spends. It's sad, & I can't imagine living that way.

This is me too.
When dh and I first started dating we were making about the same amount of money, but he was going in to grad school and was going to graduate and have a much larger salary than I was ever going to have. It just worked out where we decided that I could stay home after our kids were born because of that.

And, if I didn't stay home w/ our kids, DH couldn't have the job he has.

 

[gemini2727]

This is me too.
When dh and I first started dating we were making about the same amount of money, but he was going in to grad school and was going to graduate and have a much larger salary than I was ever going to have. It just worked out where we decided that I could stay home after our kids were born because of that.

Same here. I made more than my husband when we first met, helped him pay for school and he ultimately got a job where he made much more than I ever had. I stayed at home when my kids were born, but whatever we had was considered OUR money. In the big picture, we have both done our parts.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

My biological uncle and his second wife have separate accounts. They each contribute to bills, but all else is each to their own.
My parents (only time either mom or was married) have separate accounts but each contribute to bills.
Other the other hand is my biological aunt and married uncle that have everything together and he is "the man of the house" that micromanages and grouches about every expenditure my aunt makes while him and brother continually funnel money to his sister (married to a man with a high paying job) and their 2 kids (both out of school, working and living on own but want to play and behave beyond their means).
Different strokes for different folks.

That's a great illustration of my point. When you're married, it's not my money and your money. It's our money. For your married uncle, it's not our money. It isn't his money and her money any more. But now instead of it's our money, it's all his money because he is "the man of the house"

 

[DaisyJ]

I think a big factor for this is recognizing the value (both monetary and otherwise) that each partner is bringing to the relationship.

I have worked full time, stayed at home with babies/toddlers, worked part time, and done volunteer work at various stages. We are more financially comfortable than most people we know who have the same or significantly greater (some even double) household income that we do. DH attributes this to MY contributions, not his own earning potential. Where others may view a stay-at-home parent as having a negative effect on the family's finances, he sees it as a great benefit that has allowed us to thrive.

My husband feels the same way.

 

[Disney_traveler]

That's a great illustration of my point. When you're married, it's not my money and your money. It's our money. For your married uncle, it's not our money. It isn't his money and her money any more. But now instead of it's our money, it's all his money because he is "the man of the house"

That's 3 different examples.

Mom and dad has his money and her money separate accounts but take turns which account is paying what.

Uncle J and new Aunt A have his money and her money and each pay own bills. He pays his truck, her her car, he pays electricity, she pays water.

Uncle H and Aunt T have "their" money in one account that Uncle H micromanages and fussed about. She has had to hide a time we went on a road trip to a casino and once when she paid for house repairs for my grandma (her mom), because HE thinks HE must give approval on every little expenditure....need gas?-ask first. Need groceries?-ask first! Then you find out after the fact uncle H and brother K each gave $1000 for their niece to go on a missionary trip without telling anyone.

 

[dosekies]

I think your situation with this trip is completely normal and you wanting to pay for more of it is very ok. Being in a relationship means having to figure this stuff out and it is none of your friends' business. My SO and I currently make roughly the same salary, but in a few years he will be making about double what I make. We're going to Disney this fall and I am paying for the whole trip. We agreed a while ago we would go together and were going to split it pretty evenly, but then he found out he needed a new car so I told him to focus saving for that and I would handle our vacation. At the start of our relationship I don't think I would have done this, but we're at the point where we just cover each other and give and take as necessary I guess.

 

[stsomewhere]

My daughter's boyfriend is taking her to WDW over Easter vacation. They are staying 8 night at POFQ. He was insisting on paying the entire cost. After much discussion, they agreed that she could pay for some of meals. He wants to do this for her. He has never been to WDW before and has never gone on a real vacation. Along with meals, she is planning on getting them so matching outfits, ears, photo pass, etc.

 

[monorailsilver]

When my husband and I were dating, he had debt and I did not. We both lived at home and he just liked to spend money on toys hence the debt. I made a little more then him, not much as we were both still in the 5 figure (and still are). So our first Disney trip, I paid I think for everything (it was that long ago). I think even the 2nd one I paid and the 3rd one, we were engaged so who knows who paid and after that we both paid since its our money.

Did I mind paying back then since I had the money, nope! I am sure he did since he was the male but he had no choice I made the reservations and paid. We had gone on other not has pricey trips prior to being engaged and I think we both paid for bits and pieces.

If she insists on paying for something let her. But if you can afford it and you are not worried about paying since you invited her then pay.

Its just like when you have kids and you invite one of their friends to go somewhere with your family, you pay. We went for ice cream last Friday with my sons friend and we paid. We have taken kids out to dinner, we pay. We are going to Six Flags next weekend and one of my dtrs friends is going so we will pay her admission.