How do you split expenses with a significant other when your salaries are far apart?

[scrapquitler]

DH has always made more than I, but it's always been "our" money. We've never had separate accounts.

Now, he makes all the money, as I'm a stay-at-home, & it's still "our" money. And he's never made me feel like I'm less than or worth less than he is. I don't have an allowance. He doesn't give me "spending money".

And, honestly, I spend more of our money than he does.

Sounds like my house. I stay at home, he works. I pay all the bills and deal with the finances. He asks me for money when he wants to buy something. Everything has always been 100% merged, even when I worked. It din't matter that he made several times as much money as I did, we just pay the bills and buy what we want out of "OUR" money because we are a family and we are a team.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Op maybe your friends were just trying to look out for you and make sure you aren't being taken advantage. I don't think that's the case at all here and I agree with you paying for the trip. But I don't think your friends were purposely being malicious.

My XH and I kept finances separate and he paid the mortgage and I paid the bills (cable, cell phones, car insurance) and it worked. It came to a 70/30 split based on how much we made.

My SO and I do the same thing now. We've been together almost 6 years. We split about 60/40. I pay more since I have my two kids and receive CS. We make about the same without my CS.

I like having my own money and accounts.

 

[MrsDuck]

It sounds like you are happy with the arrangement... I'd ignore your friends. She's seemingly paying for what she can and given your nice income, I don't see the issue (since you are content to spend what you are spending).

I know you aren't married or even engaged but once DH and I knew that we were going to be together for the long haul, we combined bank accounts. Probably not wise financial advice until you're actually married but it worked for us. Our money has always been our money... there's never been a division nor does someone pay X bill while the other pays Y. Of course, I understand why some couples do split their finances. You have to do what works for you.

Your trip sounds lovely! I hope you both enjoy it!

 

[dzorn]

Hi all,

I have an upcoming trip (see signature!) with my girlfriend coming up, and it's own first trip together! We are both Disney fans and have been a bunch separately, but now we're together (Seriously, one of the first questions we asked each other was favorite theme park, we both said Epcot and I nearly proposed to her on the spot!) and going on this trip has been so exciting for us. It's combined with my best friend's wedding at the end of the trip, so it's a bit of a long stay.

I am normally a spender, I'm lucky to have a job in the Manhattan financial area and make in the upper low-moderate 6 figures ($200k), so Disney never put much of a dent in me. Her job is in PR and pays in lower 5 figures. She 'commutes' to NYC from PA for her job, but really she spends most of her time in my apartment and tends to pick up all the groceries and household things. I cover all the going out expenses, plus I pay for the utilities and internet and such.

For our upcoming trip, it started as me inviting her to be my wedding date, and then grew in to a full trip from there. As such the original invite was with me covering airfare, the hotel stay for the wedding and wedding gift expenses, as well as my usual covering of food and beverage and such. Basically free for her, she insisted on contributing but I told her it wasn't needed. Once we decided to add Disney on we agreed she was getting her park tickets and some of the food. To that end she's been cashing in her credit card points for Disney gift cards. I got our car rental for free out of reward points, so that's not included, and we upgraded our seats on JetBlue to the extra space/priority boarding, which we split. All in all, I'm really excited for the trip and I'm appreciative that she chipped in as much as she did but she keeps wanting to chip in more. I've told her however not to worry about it, and I really enjoy treating her (and I do!), even so far as prepaying for a Dessert Party for the two of us as well!

Lately some of my friends and coworkers asked me about the trip and when I elaborated on the plans they expressed concern about the cost of the trip. They don't know what she makes, but they know roughly the scale of gap in our incomes and they started telling me I'm paying for too much. Now, I am one who says that I'd rather spend the money on myself and those around me than hoard it. All of my expenses are well handled, I have no debt other than one remaining student loan which is on track for an ahead of schedule repayment, I have several months emergency savings, so saving more starts to get a little overkill. I prefer to share the fun, but now I'm ever so slightly concerned that I'm going too far.

So how would you all handle it? Am I covering too much? Should I expect her to pay more? Should I expect her to pay the same and we should scale down the trip?

It's not that vexing a problem, really mostly a curiosity because I've spoken to her about it and she said she's really excited and not at all bothered by the amounts we pitched in, my friends are just nosy. Still, it's a curiosity and I'd like to see what everyone else thinks

Matt

EDIT: I clarified my income.

Why would you even discuss this with coworkers. It's not of their business. It's between you and her. If your happy then your happy.

 

[kamik86]

I understand your frustration that we seem to be misunderstanding and here is where I think it's occurring:

I and, I'm sure, many others who have responded work and spend time everyday in conversation with coworkers. I've worked in the same job and with some of my coworkers for 20 years. Some are close friends that I socialize with outside of work. Given all of that, I have no trouble not sharing personal information without being rude, snubbing people, or hurting anyone's feelings. Steering conversations away from things you would rather not discuss is what most of us do. I've never had any ramifications subtle or otherwise. I was actually voted Teacher of the Year last year while being friendly but not over sharing.

I did have one coworker years ago who would ask overly personal questions but I had no trouble keeping my answers vague and then steering the conversation to lighter subjects. I did avoid her but not in a way that anyone would notice. I'm not sure how old you are but maybe that's the issue. I was younger when I worked with this coworker and it took me a while to not be caught off guard by her and answer her questions even when I didn't want to but I caught up quickly and got some boundaries there.

It depends on what you consider oversharing. I have never been considered rude for not giving salary info... but it would be considered rude to not be able to answer a very innoncent question like "Where does your husband work" in my case that is all it takes as the location is enough. They have a very good idea what I make and just knowing the location is enough to know he makes much much less.

It has never actually been an issue between my husband and I. I control our money not because I make more but because I remember to pay the bills (I let him be in charge for a month or two once and when a few things didn't get paid that he completely forgot about he handed it all back and admitted I was right). If we are shopping for something he is in charge because I will buy the first thing I see to avoid being in the store any longer then I absolutely must and he will get a better product and probably pay less.

 

[sk!mom]

It depends on what you consider oversharing. I have never been considered rude for not giving salary info... but it would be considered rude to not be able to answer a very innoncent question like "Where does your husband work" in my case that is all it takes as the location is enough. They have a very good idea what I make and just knowing the location is enough to know he makes much much less.

I get that. For me, the over sharing would come in if I participated in any discussion on how we felt about or managed the wage disparity in the relationship. That would be where I steered it away or brushed off questions. Those are rude questions and I am confident that anyone asking would get that message that I didn't want to discuss it without me being rude.

 

[pryncess527]

It sounds like you are happy with the arrangement... I'd ignore your friends. She's seemingly paying for what she can and given your nice income, I don't see the issue (since you are content to spend what you are spending).

I know you aren't married or even engaged but once DH and I knew that we were going to be together for the long haul, we combined bank accounts. Probably not wise financial advice until you're actually married but it worked for us. Our money has always been our money... there's never been a division nor does someone pay X bill while the other pays Y. Of course, I understand why some couples do split their finances. You have to do what works for you.

Your trip sounds lovely! I hope you both enjoy it!

Ditto. I think how you approach this has a lot to do with personal philosophy and your view on the relationships chances long term. It sounds like you are happy with it from both angles.

 

[fractalpotato]

Well I appreciate everyone's feedback, and for those that are making assumptions, I'd like to clarify that:

• I never mentioned her salary to anyone in my initial situation, mostly they inferred it from her job (which is not privileged information) or she told them outright. I did mention a range for it here, but I don't believe that to be overly personal and after asking her, she says it's completely fine and doesn't understand the fuss.
• I never had a problem, I was asking because I had already discussed it with her and I was curious what some other perspectives were. Many of you weighed in on that and I thank you, many of you took the opportunity to tell me how bad I am for ever mentioning money to another person, I don't know what to tell you, you're the only people upset here.
• My coworkers are nosy yes, but well meaning, nobody was disparaging anyone, they know I've had problems with this in the past and were concerned, as were my friends. This wasn't some schoolyard bully holding me in the corner and I found myself defending their concern to people here which is kind of ridiculous. I'm not going to malign my coworkers and friends for being concerned about something they know to be a problem based on readily available information. I'm simply not going to do it.

Frankly, I'm surprised at the hostility this brought up, so I'm bowing out of my own thread now. Thank you for those that contributed, and thanks to the Phoenicians for making this post easy to read.

Matt

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Lately some of my friends and coworkers asked me about the trip and when I elaborated on the plans they expressed concern about the cost of the trip.

What the heck business is it of your friends and coworkers how much the trip costs and who pays for it?

 

[Nickunited]

Hi all,
Lately some of my friends and coworkers asked me about the trip and when I elaborated on the plans they expressed concern about the cost of the trip. They don't know what she makes, but they know roughly the scale of gap in our incomes and they started telling me I'm paying for too much. Now, I am one who says that I'd rather spend the money on myself and those around me than hoard it. All of my expenses are well handled, I have no debt other than one remaining student loan which is on track for an ahead of schedule repayment, I have several months emergency savings, so saving more starts to get a little overkill. I prefer to share the fun, but now I'm ever so slightly concerned that I'm going too far.
.

My advice - dont discuss money with your friends. Unless they are your best friends since childhood, they do not need to know how much you make and how much your significant other makes. In fact, we didn't either.

I would say this, If you guys are serious about each other. You will work it out. If this goes further in life...it will all be the same money anyhow.

Of course she is going to want to help out and you SHOULD let her but life is too short to worry about scaling back vacations and that kind of stuff. Go as all out as you want to and as it is not you braging to her, its you making memories with her.

Make the memories...but I would for sure give her some opportunities to pay. Not because you need her to prove anything to you...but because it probably would mean a lot to her to be able to treat you at times.

 

[because]

Hi all,

I have an upcoming trip (see signature!) with my girlfriend coming up, and it's own first trip together! We are both Disney fans and have been a bunch separately, but now we're together (Seriously, one of the first questions we asked each other was favorite theme park, we both said Epcot and I nearly proposed to her on the spot!) and going on this trip has been so exciting for us. It's combined with my best friend's wedding at the end of the trip, so it's a bit of a long stay.

I am normally a spender, I'm lucky to have a job in the Manhattan financial area and make in the upper low-moderate 6 figures ($200k), so Disney never put much of a dent in me. Her job is in PR and pays in lower 5 figures. She 'commutes' to NYC from PA for her job, but really she spends most of her time in my apartment and tends to pick up all the groceries and household things. I cover all the going out expenses, plus I pay for the utilities and internet and such.

For our upcoming trip, it started as me inviting her to be my wedding date, and then grew in to a full trip from there. As such the original invite was with me covering airfare, the hotel stay for the wedding and wedding gift expenses, as well as my usual covering of food and beverage and such. Basically free for her, she ginsisted on contributing but I told her it wasn't needed. Once we decided to add Disney on we agreed she was getting her park tickets and some of the food. To that end she's been cashing in her credit card points for Disney gift cards. I got our car rental for free out of reward points, so that's not included, and we upgraded our seats on JetBlue to the extra space/priority boarding, which we split. All in all, I'm really excited for the trip and I'm appreciative that she chipped in as much as she did but she keeps wanting to chip in more. I've told her however not to worry about it, and I really enjoy treating her (and I do!), even so far as prepaying for a Dessert Party for the two of us as well!

Lately some of my friends and coworkers asked me about the trip and when I elaborated on the plans they expressed concern about the cost of the trip. They don't know what she makes, but they know roughly the scale of gap in our incomes and they started telling me I'm paying for too much. Now, I am one who says that I'd rather spend the money on myself and those around me than hoard it. All of my expenses are well handled, I have no debt other than one remaining student loan which is on track for an ahead of schedule repayment, I have several months emergency savings, so saving more starts to get a little overkill. I prefer to share the fun, but now I'm ever so slightly concerned that I'm going too far.

So how would you all handle it? Am I covering too much? Should I expect her to pay more? Should I expect her to pay the same and we should scale down the trip?

It's not that vexing a problem, really mostly a curiosity because I've spoken to her about it and she said she's really excited and not at all bothered by the amounts we pitched in, my friends are just nosy. Still, it's a curiosity and I'd like to see what everyone else thinks

Matt

EDIT: I clarified my income.

If you and your SO are comfortable with the arrangement and more importantly it makes you happy, then you are doing the right thing. Don't listen to your friends as it is none of their business. They are probably just jealous that you have a wonderful SO to bring on the trip.

Edited to add: I just read your post that you have had problems in the past. This might change my answer. Assuming this was financial problems, this might be a time where you carefully consider what some are saying. Ultimately it is your choice but I have so many friends in the middle of their careers starting to look at retirement who regret their spending at the beginning of their careers. If you have a good life financial plan, then go for it!

 

[NotUrsula]

For a particular occasion while you are still dating, he (or she) who invites, pays.

If you were married or life partners, then you would be dividing your expenses down the line on a regular plan, which would be a different scenario. (And FWIW, the way that we have handled it for nearly 30 years is to maintain separate individual accounts, but each put an agreed-upon percentage of our separate incomes into a joint account for household expenses. DH makes much more than me, so he contributes a larger amount.)

 

[amberpi]

Well I appreciate everyone's feedback, and for those that are making assumptions, I'd like to clarify that:
Frankly, I'm surprised at the hostility this brought up, so I'm bowing out of my own thread now. Thank you for those that contributed, and thanks to the Phoenicians for making this post easy to read.

Matt

Do you, Matt, sounds like you've got a great handle on things.

 

[BrianL]

Frankly, I'm surprised at the hostility this brought up, so I'm bowing out of my own thread now. Thank you for those that contributed, and thanks to the Phoenicians for making this post easy to read.
Matt

Hey, don't let any of the harsh posts get you down. It's just the way here sometimes. I like you just for that part above, and I hope you'll stick around the DIS. I think you have a good bead on the situation, so this has all just been academic. I hope you have a great time on your trip!

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like you guys have a pretty good handle on it. Don't worry about what other people think.

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

agree that it is not your co-workers' business. Nor mine, but you asked so...

This is a vacation for you as well as for her. For you, it wouldn't be as much fun if she wasn't there to share it with you. I am going to assume that she feels comfortable allowing you to pay however much you want to pay. If there is something you want to do and you can afford it but she can't, why wouldn't you pay for it?