How fast it all changed.

[fely1st]

Rodeo, so sorry for your loss. Peace and love for you and your Kids. Be strong.

 

[SirDuff]

The Day After.

So yes, I've started the post countdown as a PP mentioned. Yesterday, he was...

It's just over 36 hrs since DH took his last breath. It seems like a minute ago and at the same time days. Last evening, my children, parents, brother and I went to his final viewing. At least that was what I thought then

We cried a bunch, then we slowly started drawing and writing on his casket. I drew a giant heart and wrote always in it. DD wrote Pad Thai, since that was their favourite meal together. DS wrote Buddy - we actually all call each other that, not just he and I. Well other than DD - we call her Pie. Sweet Pea, became Sweetie Pea - Sweetie Peetie - Sweetie Peetie Pie which has now been shortened to Pie. Anyway, we were all kind of stuck after that for a bit. My parents then wrote that he belonged to them, always. That would have meant so much to him; because of the issues with his family he always said he felt like he belonged more to mine than his own. He never said that directly to them, but my Mom wrote it on his casket. My brother drew a stock chart - DH was involved with the financial markets. I drew a guitar, he used to play. They we added a cross, some butterflies, DD wrote a giant WE LOVE YOU on the side and drew a heart with everyone's names including the dogs. A Soprano's quote - it was his favourite show ever. "If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them." A tic tac toe with the first X and O drawn - we always did that on restaurant paper table coverings. It became a happy family moment and I'm so glad the funeral home offered the markers.

Today we are going to the golf club to see about a room for his Celebration of Life. We need a dance floor. I can't remember if I mentioned but DS is a competitive Latin dancer. He has made a huge leap in the last six months to the top level of competition and found an amazing partner in December. Their first competition together was the weekend of March 1-4 and DH was planning on coming. Had his ticket and was so excited since he hadn't seen him compete since he was partnering with his sister over a year ago. As it happened, he was not well enough to attend. His pain was ongoing by then and nausea had started. This was a little over week and a half before he went to the hospital. He was so upset to miss it. So, DS and his partner are planning on dancing some of their competition routines to some of DH's favourite songs. Probably a little strange to have dancing at a remembrance, but he wants to dance for his dad.

I also had a call from MIL this morning. She asked about arrangements. So I told her we'd had our viewing last evening and he was to be cremated Saturday. I then offered her a viewing as well. I truly feel DH suggested it because I had no plans to speak to her again after the scene at the hospice and the reaction when I called to tell her he had passed, but in the middle of the conversation I just felt compelled to offer it. She is coming this afternoon. He didn't want any witnesses to his end suffering nor his demise but I don't believe he'd care now and if it gives her closure so be it. The pettiness in me, however has arranged one final visit, closed casket after she leaves because I want to be the last person to spend time with him before cremation. DD has asked to be there too - her motivation was blatantly stated and reflected my hidden one. If she writes anything on his casket that is upsetting or would have been about her guilt rather than honouring him, DD wants to "fix it" before his cremation. So that's what we're doing later this evening. Final visit. DS said he didn't need to be there for that. He's said his goodbye and trusts us to correct anything that needs it. I have offered her a small portion of his ashes if she'd like to make a jewellery remembrance also or add to her husband's mini urn that she keeps. I was clear to the funeral home that this was not a halving, just a small portion for her needs and they will accommodate that. Yep, I acknowledge that may all be petty, but best I can do. There were a lot of pretty unkind things she did and said about DH and about me over the years. I can only get so far past it.

You have whatever is important for you - don't worry about "strange". We did something similar in that we had a Celebration of Life - specifically not at our club, actually, because we didn't want the club always associated with my mum's death. We had loot bags. My mum LOVED loot bags (it wasn't a party without them), so we made some (they weren't big, just some chocolate truffles. I'm sure loot bags at a remembrance is weird, but it meant a lot to us.

 

[excited family]

Thank you for all the continued support. Pea-n-me, we are doing ok. We see the oncologist on May 1st and they should have all test results back on if there are any mutations. That is a good thing and there are drugs to take which can double the life expectancy over chemo if you have any of them. The hard part is watching my husband slowly get worse in the meantime. His voice has gone funny and we don't know if it is from radiation or the cancer. He also seems to have less energy every day.
I convinced his out-of-town parents to come and visit him NOW, not when he is "feeling better". He really wants to see them. He is still having trouble sleeping as he seems to have to choose between being able to breathe or no pain.
Rodeo, I am still thinking of you and your kids. Reading about how brave your kids were really did me in. I am dreading seeing my kids deal with the end, when it comes. I don't usually think about it because it sets me off crying. I saw so many similarities in what we were going through and who we are, that your loss was a huge wake up call. You have no idea how much your concern for me means while you are dealing with this horrible loss. You are so brave and strong.

 

[ENJDisneyFan]

The celebration of life you have planned sounds beautiful. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate a life, so please don't question any of your decisions. The dancing sounds beautiful to me, not strange at all. You are also giving your MIL an amazing gift by allowing her a final visit. Somehow Rodeo, you managed to do right by both of them which is truly wonderful.

 

[anniemae]

The celebration of life you have planned sounds beautiful. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate a life, so please don't question any of your decisions. The dancing sounds beautiful to me, not strange at all. You are also giving your MIL an amazing gift by allowing her a final visit. Somehow Rodeo, you managed to do right by both of them which is truly wonderful.

Rodeo-I agree with all of this. I think the celebration sounds wonderful and I think your son dancing is a beautiful tribute. Not strange at all. I'm sure everyone will be very touched.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Don't for a single second even entertain the thought you are being petty.

You are being protective. Protective of what your husband would have wanted, protective of what you and your family need and protective of what you want. You are beyond entitled to that.

Continuing to pray for your family and for strength.

 

[amberpi]

The celebration of life you have planned sounds beautiful. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate a life, so please don't question any of your decisions. The dancing sounds beautiful to me, not strange at all. You are also giving your MIL an amazing gift by allowing her a final visit. Somehow Rodeo, you managed to do right by both of them which is truly wonderful.

I'm so sorry to have read of your loss and the celebration sounds beautiful. I had been reading along and sending the best thoughts, but someone never posted that previously. I'll continue to be sending you and your family the very best; I think you've handled it all with grace so far and I hope that brings you some peace.

 

[Snowflakey]

Love, love, love what your DS is doing - dancing. Gives me chills. What an amazing gift for everyone in attendance.

Always thinking of you. Praying for you and thanking you for being the incredible YOU that you are.

 

[antmaril]

Rodeo. Obviously we are strangers, but I want you to know that I am proud to “know” you.

 

[lisaviolet]

Rodeo, your parents' love and what they wrote for your husband was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I could hardly get through that part of your post. How healing that must have been for him to have that kind of love and support in his life.

____________________

excited family - thinking of you.

 

[leebee]

Thank you for all the continued support. Pea-n-me, we are doing ok. We see the oncologist on May 1st and they should have all test results back on if there are any mutations. That is a good thing and there are drugs to take which can double the life expectancy over chemo if you have any of them. The hard part is watching my husband slowly get worse in the meantime. His voice has gone funny and we don't know if it is from radiation or the cancer. He also seems to have less energy every day.
I convinced his out-of-town parents to come and visit him NOW, not when he is "feeling better". He really wants to see them. He is still having trouble sleeping as he seems to have to choose between being able to breathe or no pain.
Rodeo, I am still thinking of you and your kids. Reading about how brave your kids were really did me in. I am dreading seeing my kids deal with the end, when it comes. I don't usually think about it because it sets me off crying. I saw so many similarities in what we were going through and who we are, that your loss was a huge wake up call. You have no idea how much your concern for me means while you are dealing with this horrible loss. You are so brave and strong.

I know others have said it, but we are here for you and your family, too. Nobody should ever have to go through what you and Rodeo are going through. I am in awe of the strength and grace you both are showing. Keep on fighting, and moving forward.

 

[disneyhand]

Rodeo based on what you've told us regarding your immediate families past interactions with your husban's mom and brother, I believe that you have behaved nowhere near petty. You are an inspiration

 

[Ciao Mickey]

My deepest sympathy to you and your family.

 

[mommykds]

I am so sorry.

 

[Southernmiss]

Thank you for all the continued support. Pea-n-me, we are doing ok. We see the oncologist on May 1st and they should have all test results back on if there are any mutations. That is a good thing and there are drugs to take which can double the life expectancy over chemo if you have any of them. The hard part is watching my husband slowly get worse in the meantime. His voice has gone funny and we don't know if it is from radiation or the cancer. He also seems to have less energy every day.
I convinced his out-of-town parents to come and visit him NOW, not when he is "feeling better". He really wants to see them. He is still having trouble sleeping as he seems to have to choose between being able to breathe or no pain.
Rodeo, I am still thinking of you and your kids. Reading about how brave your kids were really did me in. I am dreading seeing my kids deal with the end, when it comes. I don't usually think about it because it sets me off crying. I saw so many similarities in what we were going through and who we are, that your loss was a huge wake up call. You have no idea how much your concern for me means while you are dealing with this horrible loss. You are so brave and strong.

Keeping you close in heart as well.

Would you consider starting your own thread that we can follow and support you as well? If that's asking a lot and you are uncomfortable, that is perfectly fine and I certainly don't want to make you feel bad and do something you do not want to do.

 

[Southernmiss]

A little off topic, but could be valuable.

My son had a health scare in February. Thankfully, he had a very good doctor visit this week and all seems to be okay or close to okay.

I know people going through challenges often need pints of blood and blood products.

After a few years of not giving blood, I gave today in gratitude for my son's health and with the hope that families facing challenges can get the units they need and have one less worry.

It went so well (I have small, hard to find veins) that I will not wait so long to give again.

 

[sk!mom]

The Day After.

So yes, I've started the post countdown as a PP mentioned. Yesterday, he was...

It's just over 36 hrs since DH took his last breath. It seems like a minute ago and at the same time days. Last evening, my children, parents, brother and I went to his final viewing. At least that was what I thought then

We cried a bunch, then we slowly started drawing and writing on his casket. I drew a giant heart and wrote always in it. DD wrote Pad Thai, since that was their favourite meal together. DS wrote Buddy - we actually all call each other that, not just he and I. Well other than DD - we call her Pie. Sweet Pea, became Sweetie Pea - Sweetie Peetie - Sweetie Peetie Pie which has now been shortened to Pie. Anyway, we were all kind of stuck after that for a bit. My parents then wrote that he belonged to them, always. That would have meant so much to him; because of the issues with his family he always said he felt like he belonged more to mine than his own. He never said that directly to them, but my Mom wrote it on his casket. My brother drew a stock chart - DH was involved with the financial markets. I drew a guitar, he used to play. Then we added a cross, some butterflies, DD wrote a giant WE LOVE YOU on the side and drew a heart with everyone's names including the dogs. A Soprano's quote - it was his favourite show ever. "If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them." A tic tac toe with the first X and O drawn - we always did that on restaurant paper table coverings. It became a happy family moment and I'm so glad the funeral home offered the markers.

Today we are going to the golf club to see about a room for his Celebration of Life. We need a dance floor. I can't remember if I mentioned but DS is a competitive Latin dancer. He has made a huge leap in the last six months to the top level of competition and found an amazing partner in December. Their first competition together was the weekend of March 1-4 and DH was planning on coming. Had his ticket and was so excited since he hadn't seen him compete since he was partnering with his sister over a year ago. As it happened, he was not well enough to attend. His pain was ongoing by then and nausea had started. This was a little over week and a half before he went to the hospital. He was so upset to miss it. So, DS and his partner are planning on dancing some of their competition routines to some of DH's favourite songs. Probably a little strange to have dancing at a remembrance, but he wants to dance for his dad.

I also had a call from MIL this morning. She asked about arrangements. So I told her we'd had our viewing last evening and he was to be cremated Saturday. I then offered her a viewing as well. I truly feel DH suggested it because I had no plans to speak to her again after the scene at the hospice and the reaction when I called to tell her he had passed, but in the middle of the conversation I just felt compelled to offer it. She is coming this afternoon. He didn't want any witnesses to his end suffering nor his demise but I don't believe he'd care now and if it gives her closure so be it. The pettiness in me, however has arranged one final visit, closed casket after she leaves because I want to be the last person to spend time with him before cremation. DD has asked to be there too - her motivation was blatantly stated and reflected my hidden one. If she writes anything on his casket that is upsetting or would have been about her guilt rather than honouring him, DD wants to "fix it" before his cremation. So that's what we're doing later this evening. Final visit. DS said he didn't need to be there for that. He's said his goodbye and trusts us to correct anything that needs it. I have offered her a small portion of his ashes if she'd like to make a jewellery remembrance also or add to her husband's mini urn that she keeps. I was clear to the funeral home that this was not a halving, just a small portion for her needs and they will accommodate that. Yep, I acknowledge that may all be petty, but best I can do. There were a lot of pretty unkind things she did and said about DH and about me over the years. I can only get so far past it.

Rodeo, your strength continues to amaze me. Please do not think that any decision you made was in any way petty. You were gracious and kind to allow her a viewing. It is also completely understandable that you would want to be with him last and also that you would want to make sure that the casket was still the tribute and honor that you intended.

And “dance for his dad” is beautiful!

God Bless you and your children today and in the coming days. Your story has touched me deeply and you will remain in my thoughts and prayers in the days ahead.

 

[Dan Murphy]

excited family, know my prayers are with your husband, you and your family. 's

 

[GracieKam]

So so sorry!

 

[aejammers]

Peace to your family. Your love for your DH is still coming through strong and clear. You and your DH raised strong powerful children. Be proud. You are all in my thoughts.