My daughter is deeply grieving loss of our cat

[alohamom]

My daughter is 23 and has always been one to feel deeply for animals. As a 4 year old she has a day long cry about a dead bug.
Last week we lost our 17 year old cat who was basically her best friend. I knew it would be very hard for her but I really was not expecting the depth of her grief.
The first few says she was having cycles of crying that were so intense she would start to physically spasm. These have slowly started to be less but yesterday she had a long talk with me and she was telling me how lonely she is. She just got her Masters degree and is basically out of university but has been at home with us and her brother because of the covid situation. She is really missing friends and she told me that the death of our cat has made her feel totally alone.

She says she feels nothing but despair and she has said to me a few times now she does not know how she will move forward from this and doesn't see the point. She also keeps saying she does not know what to do, which worries me immensely. It feels like a red flag.

She has talked to the doctor and was prescribed 5 days of a medication to help but she has not yet wanted to take it.
She keeps saying every area in the house reminds her of the cat and she wishes we could all just leave and never come back

At this point I am scared.

I think she should perhaps talk to a grief counsellor who might be able to help her work through these feelings and I am working on finding one.

I am posting to this area of the Disboards because I hope some of you might have some ideas of what to say to her, how I can help her and anything else.
My husband lost most of his family when we were in our 20's and he is totally shutting down on this as it is churning up his own repressed sadness.

I have been sure to be in the house as much as I can. I initiate conversations if I feel she needs them and back off if I feel that is what she wants. I have let her sleep in my bed and cry on my shoulder any time she wants.

I am open to any suggestions you might have to help my daughter cope with this and truly appreciate any help you can give.

 

[TamaraQT]

Grief is normal and healthy. But it sounds like she reaches levels where it is not considered healthy. Not only does it effect her mentally and emotionally, but it effects her physically. As far as the "spasms" well, I know EXACTLY what you are describing. I watched my mother experience that physical spasm at the funeral of my grandmother. When her body spasmed from grief, she was NEVER the same after that. She was no longer the same person mentally, emotionally and it actually took a toll on her physically. That spasm was a form of a breakdown that put a physical strain on her heart. It is almost like a mini-stroke we later discovered. My mother was in her early 70s at the time. She ended up grieving herself to death. Now I am NOT trying to scare you. BUT I am just here to relate and share my story to let you know you are NOT OVERREACTING!!! Do not let anyone tell you that you are. Now, here is the part which may be difficult to hear, but if I knew then what I know now, I could have provided more support for my mother. Your daughter needs to seek assistance from a mental health professional. You can start with a therapist. Untreated mental health only gets worse and has a dramatic effect on physical health also. Talk to your family doctor and get a recommendation for a therapist. If you are not comfortable doing that, then seek out mental health recommendations online. Her inability to cope with grief in a healthy manner may get worse if not addressed. It can also spill over into other areas of her life. A mental health professional will help her more than you know. Also, look for support groups for grief. Many have online groups also. Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way. Take care of yourself so you can be there for her.

 

[alohamom]

Thank you @TamaraQT I appreciate all you have written

 

[alohamom]

I was also thinking perhaps some of you might know of websites or online resources that I can use to help me know what to say and do?
Everything I look up kind of just describes grief or bereavement and behaviours that are associated with it but I cannot seem to find concrete examples of what to say and do to help

 

[mommasita]

Hi there. I’m sorry to read this. I do agree with the previous poster. This is deep grief she is experiencing here, maybe impacted more with being isolated as you mention. I don’t know of any websites, and hesitate to mention any, because honestly I feel (could be wrong) she needs an expert. Grief is different for all of us, each loss is different, i can tell you it cam be a long and lonely road, do you have a family doctor to start with? Perhaps they can recommend someone?

I found this article interesting https://societyforpsychotherapy.org/traumatic-pet-loss/

 

[alohamom]

Thank you @mommasita for the link

We have had a really hard week.
Every time I think she might be making some progress she seems to have a set back but we did have his ashes returned to us and that was hard for all of us.
I bought a frame urn so we can celebrate his life and keep his ashes in a place she wants.
I talked it over with her and bought her a bracelet and a necklace urn so she can keep him close by and she really wanted this
The doctor was supposed to email a list of suggested therapists but forgot to and is now on vacation so I have been trying to find some on my own. Covid seems to have many of these not taking new patients tho so that is very frustrating.
I have decided I am going to pursue this until I find someone though.

One thing that has given me a little hope is that she did talk to me a little about what she has learned about herself because of this. She basically said that this is her worst nightmare come true and IF (I hate that she used the word IF) she gets through this she knows that she would not be afraid of anything else because the worst has already happened to her. I still am not sure about this conversation but I felt that it showed she is sort of thinking to how she can cope in the future

 

[Farro]

I feel so sad for your daughter.

The first pet i lost, I was older than your daughter, hit me so hard I was shocked. For a week I couldn't function.

Then we've loved and lost more pets through the years...then last year we lost our Cashew. We adopted him and Walnut in 2015. He died of lymphoma at the age of 4. It was something we never imagined would happen and it felt cruel. I wanted to move. I saw him everywhere in our apartment. Seeing Walnut (my love of my life cat) without him was so hard! They were so bonded!

The grief I felt was almost insurmountable. I was shattered for a while. I really think other people underestimate the pain from a loss of a pet.

A year later, I'm so much better but still surprised at how sad it all was/is. Our lives really did change when he died. Walnut (his brother) went through a grieving process and that was hard to watch. And things are different now.

But I'm here to tell you your daughter will feel better! These feelings will ease and the great part is because she feels this grief, it means she's got a lot of love to give another pet one day!
And she should never feel ashamed of her grief and continue to give her outlets for talking about it. Find a therapist if she needs it. You are doing all the right things.

Just hugs to all of you. Im crying writing this post. I still say goodnight to Cashew every night.

Some of us are just animal people and we love them extra hard.❤

 

[alohamom]

But I'm here to tell you your daughter will feel better!

This means so much to me, thank you for taking the time to write that post

 

[Farro]

This means so much to me, thank you for taking the time to write that post

It sounds so trite, but time really does heal. And grief really does come in waves, but she will notice the waves come less and less.

And most importantly, let her know it really is normal to feel this way. Sometimes I felt embarrassed at how upset I was!

 

[mommasita]

Hi @alohamom , how are you? How is your daughter coping?

 

[alohamom]

@mommasita thank you so much for asking.

We are hanging in there. My daughter has slowly started to begin back to self care with regular showers and she even cleaned her room on Saturday. That really shocked me. She is still saying things like "what is the point" but her rapid heart rate has come down and she isn't feeling winded after walking.

As @Farro said above grief comes in waves and that is exactly what is happening.
I have started talking to her at might before she goes to bed and we do a mindful walk through a Disney park each night. I think it is helping her relax and sleep better, idk.
An interesting thing I have come across in researching what to do is the idea that sadness is a normal human emotion and that thinking about it this way helps coping for some. This concept seemed to help her for some reason.

Looks like we have also found a grief counsellor who is willing to take her on so generally I think we are moving in the right direction, even if we have to surf the waves on the way there.

Thank you for your compassion and care

 

[mommasita]

@mommasita thank you so much for asking.

We are hanging in there. My daughter has slowly started to begin back to self care with regular showers and she even cleaned her room on Saturday. That really shocked me. She is still saying things like "what is the point" but her rapid heart rate has come down and she isn't feeling winded after walking.

As @Farro said above grief comes in waves and that is exactly what is happening.
I have started talking to her at might before she goes to bed and we do a mindful walk through a Disney park each night. I think it is helping her relax and sleep better, idk.
An interesting thing I have come across in researching what to do is the idea that sadness is a normal human emotion and that thinking about it this way helps coping for some. This concept seemed to help her for some reason.

Looks like we have also found a grief counsellor who is willing to take her on so generally I think we are moving in the right direction, even if we have to surf the waves on the way there.

Thank you for your compassion and care

I am very glad to read the update. Grief most certainly does come in waves.
I wish you all peace.

 

[Karin1984]

Maybe it helps you or your daughter, look up the ball and the box analogy.

Basically:
Grief is like a ball in a box with a pain button. At first the ball is so big, whenever it moves in the box, it will hit the pain button. Over time the ball becomes smaller and misses the pain button when it bounces around in the box. But sometimes, the ball hits the button again and the pain is there again, but because the ball is smaller, it wont hit the button as often and becomes smaller again.

 

[Farro]

Just wanted to check in! Seems like your daughter is learning to cope.

Wanted to tell you, here I am a year later, and something the other day triggered a memory of a past Christmas when we still had Cashew and I started crying all over again! I felt like a nut!

Wishing you guys healing, happier days ahead!

 

[mommasita]

Maybe it helps you or your daughter, look up the ball and the box analogy.

Basically:
Grief is like a ball in a box with a pain button. At first the ball is so big, whenever it moves in the box, it will hit the pain button. Over time the ball becomes smaller and misses the pain button when it bounces around in the box. But sometimes, the ball hits the button again and the pain is there again, but because the ball is smaller, it wont hit the button as often and becomes smaller again.

interesting, I have never heard about this! I have mixed emotions, but in this case, it may be a great idea !

 

[Ladyandthepuppies]

I wanted to say, as kindly as possible, that it sounds as though your daughter may be experiencing depression / anxiety on top of her grief. I know it’s been a few weeks but I would really encourage her to take the medicine that was prescribed since it can take the edge off her raw pain and help her to process things more easily. There is no shame in taking medicine for your mental health and it made me sad to hear that she didn’t want to take what was prescribed. It likely would have (still could have) helped her. I will say a prayer for her tonight, and her sweet broken heart missing her furry friend. It is so hard to lose an animal and pets are a special blessing. I had to learn to just love them the best we can with the time that we’re given.

 

[Heather07438]

I wanted to say, as kindly as possible, that it sounds as though your daughter may be experiencing depression / anxiety on top of her grief.

Yeah, it's been a hard year. There's been alot to process and it's especially hard on deep feelers/thinkers who are young and don't quite have the experience yet to help put it in perspective. Sociology, politics, pandemic... whew this young generation has alot on their plates.


Hope she finds solace with the grief counselor and has a good bond with them

 

[alohamom]

Thanks so much for everyone's input and concern.

I wanted to say, as kindly as possible, that it sounds as though your daughter may be experiencing depression / anxiety on top of her grief.

This is very perceptive and indeed true. She has had anxiety issues for a few years that have intensified during the pandemic.
She is in the process of applying to PhD programs including ones in the Eastern US (we are in Canada) and I know the idea of living so far from home for so long frightens her. The first application to M.I.T, was due last night and she got it in at 10pm. I see this as a huge step because two weeks ago she was saying she wasn't going to apply.

I must say, I was kind of surprised she chose not to take the meds but we do have major addiction issues on both my side and my husbands side of the family which have informed how both my children live their lives. They have kind of been scared straight by the actions and consequences of close relatives so she is pretty scared to use anything at all because of this. I gently reminded her that they were here in the house if she needed them a couple of times but she has chosen not to.

There's been alot to process and it's especially hard on deep feelers/thinkers who are young and don't quite have the experience yet to help put it in perspective

I think this is a key element to our situation and that perhaps therapy and working through this will help her learn and grown from this sadness.

I honestly, deeply appreciate all your contributions to this discussion. Everything you have all said allows me to focus sharper on how I can best support, care and help my daughter.
Sincere thank you to all of you

 

[disneyworldsk]

our cat died last night. Our first family pet. my daughter is 23 and struggles with coping skills and it's hitting her and my 17 year old son hard. my son spent 1.5 years during covid at home since school was closed on zoom. no friends here, but this cat, our lucy, spent 1.5 years laying on his lap all day and all night to keep him company. any advice i will take. he suffers from ocd/anxiety and yes often says : what's the point (when it comes to 'life'). it is scary. he does have help and meds and i'm crossing my fingers this loss will be 'normal' for him. Lucy was old and we knew it was coming but they are in shock all the same. I am worried that he will fall into depression and glad he has somewhere now to be at his camp working in the day to have routine. awful....

 

[mommasita]

our cat died last night. Our first family pet. my daughter is 23 and struggles with coping skills and it's hitting her and my 17 year old son hard. my son spent 1.5 years during covid at home since school was closed on zoom. no friends here, but this cat, our lucy, spent 1.5 years laying on his lap all day and all night to keep him company. any advice i will take. he suffers from ocd/anxiety and yes often says : what's the point (when it comes to 'life'). it is scary. he does have help and meds and i'm crossing my fingers this loss will be 'normal' for him. Lucy was old and we knew it was coming but they are in shock all the same. I am worried that he will fall into depression and glad he has somewhere now to be at his camp working in the day to have routine. awful....

I’m so sorry. How are things going at your house?