Pushy ex in law... help

Honoluluwahine

Earning My Ears
Joined
Sep 25, 2017
hello everyone,
When I visit California I let my ex know so that he, and his mom,can see our son. I invited his mom to spend a day at Disneyland with us and to the Halloween party while we are there. She invited extended family and my ex's new girlfriend. I am now feeling overwhelmed, and set healthy boundaries. What do I do if my ex's family cause a scene because they do not agree with boundaries I set?
 
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I think you have done it already - you have stood up for yourself and limited it to the one day. Well done! Make sure that you stick to it, if they ask you which park you will be in on any of the other days, lie and tell them the opposite to your plans!

If they cause a scene on the day, you will just have to grin and bear it to a degree, but do not give in! Be very clear about pick up time and make sure you say you have an appt for something (time limited event or something) not too long after pick up time. If they start arguing in front of your son, just make sure that you stay calm, and say, I will not discuss this in front of my child, and make your exit. They might think terribly of you, but hey, that is their choice and their problem, and not worth worrying about.

If it does happen, I guess it will then be up to you to decide what contact you want in the future - perhaps limit it to when they come to you if need be? (and if that is never, well, that is their choice)
 
Well, what cards have you shown? TBH, with them pushing to occupy more than half of your vacation and not consulting with you on bringing the girlfriend and others... I would just say the trip was canceled, sorry, we'll have to plan some other time! but go anyway. Totally dependent on what details you've already told them, though, like if flights were nonrefundable etc. They sound like that much of a pain in the neck to me.

I'm just wondering, what do I do if they don't respect my boundaries i.e. Take my son for longer than I stated was okay, or cause an embarrassing scene because they aren't getting what they want?

If they cause a scene I encourage you to leave. Don't engage them; take your son once their time is up and go. It's your time to relax.

My son was just diagnosed with autism and my husband is in the military and gone often. I just want a relaxing trip with my family.

This is also something I'd keep in mind -- are they all aware of how to best care for your son with his recent diagnosis? "They all" meaning bio father, his new-to-your-son girlfriend, ex-FIL/MIL/SIL + their grandma.
 
I would definitely try to have a talk with your ex and his mom about your son's new diagnosis and what it means. Since he is still so young, I'm sure it's probably hard for you to even know how he might handle everything at the parks, as well as meeting new people. I would try to plan the ex and his family's day with your son and couple days into the trip so you have a better idea of how to prepare them for how your son is with certain rides, in the crowds, etc. Because of his age as well as his diagnosis, your son might also be nervousness around your ex's family that he presumably doesn't know well (or some of them at all). I don't really know what to suggest if that happens. Would you be amenable to possibly spending some of your day with all of them if it made your son more comfortable? I totally understand if you don't want to be around them or they wouldn't be agreeable to that or whatever, just trying to throw out ideas. It may be that your son is totally fine with everything. I think my biggest concern would just be making sure that DS felt safe and wasn't overwhelmed (which may be hard enough at the theme parks), and feeling that ex and family was on the same wavelength concerning that.

I don't know if you guys have an actual custody order, but if you do, it should list the visitation info. If this trip falls outside of that, and he/ his family complains about their limited time, you could politely point out that you're allowing more time than what is even in the order. If it makes you feel better, have something written up that states the hours/day you're agreeing to let him have your son, even if it's just him agreeing to it through a text, that way you have "something" to prove its what you agreed to if he tries to argue that you said he could have him all day, etc.

I hope you guys have a magical, stress-free vacation.
 
No doubt they will run HOURS late and blame long lines, busses, ect. I see nothing but frustration and tears. You need to reschedule or be ok with turning your kid over for a few days, and accept the fact that they will still run late (because there is never enough visitation time). #23yrsofexpierence
 
hello everyone,
So my ex and I have not been together since I had our son. He walked out on us, saying he didn't want a family. I was poor, a new mom, and terrified. He has never paid the proper child support amount, and when I mentioned this he'd threaten to take custody of my son. I later met, and married, a wonderful man. My ex would ask repeatedly when my new husband is going to adopt my son, so my ex won't have to pay child support.

every time my family and I visit California I let my ex and his mom know so that they can see their son/grandson. We just traveled from Hawaii to Anaheim Disney in march and they saw him at Disney for a few days. We are traveling again for the Mickey Halloween party. Long story short, I told his mom I was fine with her and her son seeing my son for one of the five days we are at the park (I've been saving like crazy for this trip). She pushed for 3 of 5 days and I said I wasn't okay with that. Then, she went ahead and invited my ex's dad, grandma, sister (who was always rude to me), and my ex's girlfriend (who I didn't even know existed). Inviting my ex's girlfriend to my vacation to meet my son was more than I could bear. I sent a text to my ex's mom basically stating that she's taken over my vacation, and that I was not okay with her deciding who gets to meet my son. I limited their hours with my son to 6 hours on one day. I'm just wondering, what do I do if they don't respect my boundaries i.e. Take my son for longer than I stated was okay, or cause an embarrassing scene because they aren't getting what they want?

This has been a hectic year. My son was just diagnosed with autism and my husband is in the military and gone often. I just want a relaxing trip with my family. I want my son to have a relationship with my ex. My son is 3 and loves both dads. I tried to do the right thing. I just wish he, and his family, would be more considerate. In the future, I know not to invite my ex and his mom, but what do I do now?
how do you plan to make them stick to the 6 hours esp if you let them have the tie to themselves? since you are letting them have him not sure how you are going to make sure they have him back on time. are they able to leave park with him as traffic can be a major pain getting him back to park on time. also if there is a scene in park could cause problems for you in park with all of you being removed from park. Disneyland and its sister ;ark are not as easy to hide in as Disney World. also as your son gets older they can get visits with him without you planning by court order if you make them mad enough to go that route not for this trip. been there done it with daughter, son in law and stepgrandson who lives with them
 
Maybe consider giving them one day and you can have that as some alone time with your dh. It's beneficial for your dc to also have some bonding time with your ex and his family and you can get a special day with your dh.
 


I would definitely try to have a talk with your ex and his mom about your son's new diagnosis and what it means. Since he is still so young, I'm sure it's probably hard for you to even know how he might handle everything at the parks, as well as meeting new people. I would try to plan the ex and his family's day with your son and couple days into the trip so you have a better idea of how to prepare them for how your son is with certain rides, in the crowds, etc. Because of his age as well as his diagnosis, your son might also be nervousness around your ex's family that he presumably doesn't know well (or some of them at all). I don't really know what to suggest if that happens. Would you be amenable to possibly spending some of your day with all of them if it made your son more comfortable? I totally understand if you don't want to be around them or they wouldn't be agreeable to that or whatever, just trying to throw out ideas. It may be that your son is totally fine with everything. I think my biggest concern would just be making sure that DS felt safe and wasn't overwhelmed (which may be hard enough at the theme parks), and feeling that ex and family was on the same wavelength concerning that.

I don't know if you guys have an actual custody order, but if you do, it should list the visitation info. If this trip falls outside of that, and he/ his family complains about their limited time, you could politely point out that you're allowing more time than what is even in the order. If it makes you feel better, have something written up that states the hours/day you're agreeing to let him have your son, even if it's just him agreeing to it through a text, that way you have "something" to prove its what you agreed to if he tries to argue that you said he could have him all day, etc.

I hope you guys have a magical, stress-free vacation.

Things to definitely think about
 
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Maybe consider giving them one day and you can have that as some alone time with your dh. It's beneficial for your dc to also have some bonding time with your ex and his family and you can get a special day with your dh.

Yes, we did that in march when we went to Disneyland. I may consider this. Thank you
 
how do you plan to make them stick to the 6 hours esp if you let them have the tie to themselves? since you are letting them have him not sure how you are going to make sure they have him back on time. are they able to leave park with him as traffic can be a major pain getting him back to park on time. also if there is a scene in park could cause problems for you in park with all of you being removed from park. Disneyland and its sister ;ark are not as easy to hide in as Disney World. also as your son gets older they can get visits with him without you planning by court order if you make them mad enough to go that route not for this trip. been there done it with daughter, son in law and stepgrandson who lives with them


My lawyer had me email him a letter that stated the exact days and times he's allowed to have my son. It also states that they can't be under the influence of any illegal substance, and can't leave the park. My son has a GPS chip. I'm letting my ex get by paying $375 less a month in child support than he is supposed to. The second he goes against my wishes, my lawyer said he will be in a world of hurt. I used to work at Disneyland. I already informed the park of the situation. They have my son's tickets and reservations under my name. I have all of his other legal documents on me. I'm fine if he takes me to court. He would owe back pay and the proper child support. The problem isn't even my ex, it's his mom.
 
Something to consider after the vacation. A friend son was diagnosed with autism when he was young and she has gone through a lot of what it sounds like you are dealing with now with her ex and his family. After watching her I would really suggest getting legal custody taken care of soon. Her son needed medication and the ex fought it saying the kid was fine. Of course he didn't spend much time with him so he didn't really know how to handle the things that upset the child. The ex told my friend she was a bad mom because the son had behavioral issues. When the ex filed for custody her lawyer said it was a way to get out of paying child support. If your ex wants your husband to adopt your son have him sign away his rights legally even if the adoption doesn't happen right away. This way you can make all decisions including medical for your son. He can still see his dad and the family but you will always have the last word.
 
Something to consider after the vacation. A friend son was diagnosed with autism when he was young and she has gone through a lot of what it sounds like you are dealing with now with her ex and his family. After watching her I would really suggest getting legal custody taken care of soon. Her son needed medication and the ex fought it saying the kid was fine. Of course he didn't spend much time with him so he didn't really know how to handle the things that upset the child. The ex told my friend she was a bad mom because the son had behavioral issues. When the ex filed for custody her lawyer said it was a way to get out of paying child support. If your ex wants your husband to adopt your son have him sign away his rights legally even if the adoption doesn't happen right away. This way you can make all decisions including medical for your son. He can still see his dad and the family but you will always have the last word.

Thank you so much for your response! Dealing with these issues when the child has special needs makes EVERYTHING that much more involved.
 
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Thank you so much for your response! My background is in special education teaching, so my ex hasn't questioned any of the decisions. My husband's military career covers insurance expenses. My lawyer has stated that since my ex and I were never married, and he abandoned us, he has no rights. Once my son starts school I'm going to ask if he'd still like my husband to adopt my son. Dealing with these issues when the child has special needs makes EVERYTHING that much more involved.
I would start that as early as possible and not wait. some what the same as my grandson and it took over a year to get all settled. one thing to remember new girlfriend might think it would be fun to be a mommy once she meets your son. also is your son able to take part in preschool ed as adoption could be useful for that also
 
I would start that as early as possible and not wait. some what the same as my grandson and it took over a year to get all settled. one thing to remember new girlfriend might think it would be fun to be a mommy once she meets your son. also is your son able to take part in preschool ed as adoption could be useful for that also

I know this wasn't your question, but I agree. If he is willing to sign away rights, do it now. It will give you some piece of mind and you never know what his stance will be a year from now with a new girlfriend to influence him. I've gone through hell in custody court so the sooner you can get something concrete the better. Also, custody laws are constantly evolving so if he were to fight you two years from now, who knows what the court's attitude will be like.
 
I know this wasn't your question, but I agree. If he is willing to sign away rights, do it now. It will give you some piece of mind and you never know what his stance will be a year from now with a new girlfriend to influence him. I've gone through hell in custody court so the sooner you can get something concrete the better. Also, custody laws are constantly evolving so if he were to fight you two years from now, who knows what the court's attitude will be like.
he could also use her posts here against her if something were to change. don't ask how I know. not saying it will but know Facebook and other sites have been used against us
 
I would start that as early as possible and not wait. some what the same as my grandson and it took over a year to get all settled. one thing to remember new girlfriend might think it would be fun to be a mommy once she meets your son. also is your son able to take part in preschool ed as adoption could be useful for that also[/

Thank you.
 
I think you have done it already - you have stood up for yourself and limited it to the one day. Well done! Make sure that you stick to it, if they ask you which park you will be in on any of the other days, lie and tell them the opposite to your plans!

If they cause a scene on the day, you will just have to grin and bear it to a degree, but do not give in! Be very clear about pick up time and make sure you say you have an appt for something (time limited event or something) not too long after pick up time. If they start arguing in front of your son, just make sure that you stay calm, and say, I will not discuss this in front of my child, and make your exit. They might think terribly of you, but hey, that is their choice and their problem, and not worth worrying about.

If it does happen, I guess it will then be up to you to decide what contact you want in the future - perhaps limit it to when they come to you if need be? (and if that is never, well, that is their choice)

Thank you!! This is fantastic, and exactly what I needed to hear.
 
he could also use her posts here against her if something were to change. don't ask how I know. not saying it will but know Facebook and other sites have been used against us


That is absolutely horrible! I am sorry to hear you went through that. My ex and I are on pretty good terms. I don't want drama between us, especially for my son's sake. I'm just not good at confrontation, at all so typically get walked on. I've decided to set healthy boundaries, which seem fair for my ex and his family as well.
 
That is absolutely horrible! I am sorry to hear you went through that. My ex and I are on pretty good terms. I don't want drama between us, especially for my son's sake. I'm just not good at confrontation, at all so typically get walked on. I've decided to set healthy boundaries, which seem fair for my ex and his family as well.
should add it backfired as son in law end up getting him for most of school year and later even half of summer when we were told this most likely would not happen. took at court order to take him on our first trip with them. he is now 16 years old and works at same small park I work at. still not sure what to make of her being very nice to meat first staff party this summer which was a first and he has been part of our lives since he was 6 months old
 

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