Spinoff- when you want a boy or girl and don’t get your wish

[Hikergirl]

A co-worker of mine is pregnant with her first child and from the day she found out she is pregnant has been very vocal that she "would die" if she finds out it's a girl and has had nightmares that it's a girl. She says her husband said "that better be just a bad dream," etc. One particular day when she went on and on, I was on the verge of tears thinking about a missing little girl and my son and his fellow officers who had been working over 20 hours without a break desperately searching for her.

Co-worker found out she is having a boy and says she is going to be so you-know-what if the ultrasound was wrong. Sounds like they will be great parents and role models....not.

So, because there is a missing little girl your co-worker can't talk about not wanting to have a girl?
And because she doesn't want her ultrasound to be wrong she and her dh will be poor parents and role models?
Okay then.

I had a relative whose ultra sound was wrong, and it was a huge PIA because they had prepared EVERYTHING for the gender they were told they were having.
However they love their child, and are great parents.

 

[PollyannaMom]

When I was expecting DS, I knew I'd be happy with a healthy baby either way. I think I'd mostly pictured myself as the mother of a girl (you know, braiding her hair and that sort of thing) but we already had four nieces, and if I had a boy, he was going to be the first grandson on both sides. So either scenario sounded great to me. I liked finding out just so we could call him by name instead of saying "it" all the time.


As for the cousin in the OP, it really depends. I think temporary disappointment if you pictured one and got the other is pretty normal, and I agree that's it's good to have some time to adjust to that before the baby is born. I think most people will come to believe the right thing happened.

But I also know a mother who does favor her girls because she "just doesn't understand boys". She really did treat them differently in discipline and the way she talked about them when they were young. So I actually do feel sorry for the baby in the OP if that happens. (But again, I think that's the exception, and I expect the mom will fall in love with the baby she gets!)

As for the drinking, that depends too. My own doctor said not to worry about a couple of drinks over the course of a pregnancy. (I'd had a drink when out to dinner before I knew, and been worried. - He told me not to be. And later on, he also said a small drink at a wedding toast would be fine.)

But if the cousin in the OP is "drowning her sorrows" in several drinks, and continuing this in secret at home, that's a completely different story.

 

[Turn the Page]

DS was born 11 days ago. We didn't find out before he was born so it was a surprise. We have 2 DD's already and in their extended family generation there are now 24 kids and only 4 of them are boys counting DS. We were kind of hoping for a boy but it really didn't matter. We didn't care so long as the baby was healthy.

What I do find odd is since he was born my ex MIL has emailed my mom twice to comment on how excited DH's parents must be that DS was a boy to carry on the family name. I'm really unclear why my ex MIL cares so much that my new IL's now have a grandson to carry on the family name.

 

[ronandannette]

I know that some people like to be surprised, but the nice thing today is that you can be surprised if you wish, or that you can find out in advance if you wish. There is a choice that didn't used to exist, and I think it's a good thing.

Our doctor asked if we wanted to know the sex during the sonogram, and we did. My son's father had wanted a girl, and I think finding out early that it was a boy helped his dad get positive about that in advance of the birth. He wouldn't have it any other way now, of course.

So finding out in advance can sometimes help smooth over any disappointments before the baby is born, so when he or she arrives, there is nothing but joy.

This is a good point. DH and I both wanted a boy - really wanted a boy. If a little girl had been on the way instead it would have been very, very helpful to have had time to get our heads in the game.

True, but there's no guarantees. My OB practice was a 'one ultrasound only' type place, unless there was a significant reason for needing another. I went for my one ultrasound during my first pregnancy and wanted to find out the sex, but the baby was totally uncooperative that day, so I went home without knowing. That meant I was just going to have to wait until the birth to find out. I ended up with contractions right around my due date, and went to the hospital thinking it was the real thing, and when I was there they did another ultrasound which showed that the baby was a girl. It did work out that I found out only two days ahead of time, but I didn't get to plan the way most people do. Just because you can find out, doesn't mean you necessarily will.

Of course that was more than 20 years ago, and based on what I hear now, most pregnant women have a lot more ultrasounds these days.

Our only child was born over 20 years ago also, and I don't think the imaging was near as advanced then, and multiple scans over the course of a pregnancy were uncommon. Even after having the technician tell us she "thought" our baby was "probably" a boy, I still waited on pins-and-needles until he arrived.

Regarding alcohol, wine was literally the only thing I craved during my term, which was weird, because I had never been much of a drinker. I could smell it from a distance at other tables when we went out to eat (or at least I imagined I could ). I did end up having a glass at about 7 months while celebrating DH's daughter's graduation and it was the most satisfying thing I can ever remember consuming in my life. I probably would have had small amounts more often if absolutely any doctor anywhere had said it was OK.

 

[POPCITY]

My aunt really, really wanted a little girl, but instead she had a boy, then twin boys, then another boy. So, all of the nieces had to go spend time each summer at Aunt's house, and she would dress us up, do our hair, etc, which for those of us who were tomboys was just awful. Years later, Aunt's second grandchild was a girl. She said it was better than having her own girl, she got to do all the girly things, then give her back to mom and dad.

 

[christineann]

Hikergirl, the co-worker is adamant that she does not want a daughter and will not be happy if she has one. The missing little girl and the brutal attack on her family and her was random and very upsetting to folks here, and it upset several of us in the office to hear that a child would be unwanted because of her gender (and co-worker says the gender is the most important). Co-worker is not concerned about planning and inconvenience if the ultrasound is wrong - she wants to make sure she doesn't have a girl.

I am sorry that you misunderstood my post.

 

[luvsJack]

Hikergirl, the co-worker is adamant that she does not want a daughter and will not be happy if she has one. The missing little girl and the brutal attack on her family and her was random and very upsetting to folks here, and it upset several of us in the office to hear that a child would be unwanted because of her gender (and co-worker says the gender is the most important). Co-worker is not concerned about planning and inconvenience if the ultrasound is wrong - she wants to make sure she doesn't have a girl.

I am sorry that you misunderstood my post.

So what was she going to do if the baby was a boy?

I don’t understand people like this, I have to admit. I knew with dd and was ecstatic as we had two boys. But had she been a boy, I would have been just as happy. I mean yes, there would have been a twinge if disappointment for about a second and then it would have been over. Everyone was so sure I would be greatly depressed at another boy but it honestly would not have mattered.

 

[Hikergirl]

Hikergirl, the co-worker is adamant that she does not want a daughter and will not be happy if she has one. The missing little girl and the brutal attack on her family and her was random and very upsetting to folks here, and it upset several of us in the office to hear that a child would be unwanted because of her gender (and co-worker says the gender is the most important). Co-worker is not concerned about planning and inconvenience if the ultrasound is wrong - she wants to make sure she doesn't have a girl.

I am sorry that you misunderstood my post.

Still have no idea what a missing child has to do with it, but if you are really sensitive about it then OK. If it was a missing boy and she talked about wanting a boy, would it then be a positive thing for you?
Perhaps a local missing child tragedy has made you overly critical and judgmental of your co-worker.
I still don't think wanting a specific gender and adamantly so means that once the baby is born and is not what you wanted you will be an awful parent. I won't judge a couple for what they want when they are pregnant, it is their actions after the baby is born that matters IMO.
Obviously you know your co-worker and maybe there are many things about her that make you feel that way, but basing it on just her being adamant about having a boy doesn't really mean it is true.

 

[monorailsilver]

I have 3 and didn’t know if they were a boy or girl until I delivered. I sensed my 2nd was a boy but I never peeked at the ultra sound.

I wish my son had a brother but since we couldn’t guarantee the 4th would be a boy, I had a tubal. Plus it gives dh 1:1 time with his son...and yes he spends time with the girls too.

I really didn’t care But baby shopping after a girl and you see such cute boy clothes and baby shopping after a boy and you see such cute girl clothes made me wish for a second I could buy those clothes.

 

[christineann]

That is quite a reach, Hikergirl. My point was obviously missed. We hear about every ultrasound and the first thing she looks for in each ultrasound (she pays for extra ultrasounds out of pocket so she can look at the genitals - her words, though a little cleaner for this board). She asks those of us who have daughters if we were upset when we found out we were having girls....really. I have a son and a daughter, and she asked me if I was upset that I don't have two boys. I don't think it is unusual to have a preference for a boy or girl, but when she speaks of her disgust at the thought of having a daughter, yes, I do wonder how she would parent a baby girl. Hopefully some maternal instinct would kick in.

Some couples have lost children in utero or after birth, and I think the co-worker is being insensitive to them and to others in the office who are having difficulty getting pregnant. Gender isn't the goal of most expectant or prospective parents I know.

 

[Hikergirl]

That is quite a reach, Hikergirl. My point was obviously missed. We hear about every ultrasound and the first thing she looks for in each ultrasound (she pays for extra ultrasounds out of pocket so she can look at the genitals - her words, though a little cleaner for this board). She asks those of us who have daughters if we were upset when we found out we were having girls....really. I have a son and a daughter, and she asked me if I was upset that I don't have two boys. I don't think it is unusual to have a preference for a boy or girl, but when she speaks of her disgust at the thought of having a daughter, yes, I do wonder how she would parent a baby girl. Hopefully some maternal instinct would kick in.

Some couples have lost children in utero or after birth, and I think the co-worker is being insensitive to them and to others in the office who are having difficulty getting pregnant. Gender isn't the goal of most expectant or prospective parents I know.

No your point wasn't missed, you are being completely judgmental about her ability to parent based on her preference for a specific gender.

 

[christineann]

And you are accusing me of being judgemental?

 

[DawnM]

I have three boys. I am perfectly happy. In fact, my 3rd was adopted so technically I had a choice. I chose him, and I am so happy I did.

And I agree with the poster who mentioned that many can't have any kids and is baffled that someone would be disappointed with having a baby of either gender.

 

[DawnM]

After 3 boys, I was sure child #4 would be a boy.

I jumped off the table when the ultrasound tech said 'She sure is moving a lot.' What?? A girl? What do we do with a girl? What about hand me downs, we have plenty of boy clothes?

Dh and I then went to lunch -a shrimp poboy, fries and a Barqs rootbeer- to acknowledge our shock and figure things out.

She is now 16. Is so well rounded and a no frills kind of girl.

We couldn't be more thrilled to have a daughter. And we do like her 3 older brothers, too.

A couple of weeks before I knew I was pregnant her 3 year old brother said 'We need a girl in this pamily.' (He couldn't say f's) Apparently, he put in a request and got a sister.

We have a friend who had two boys and then brought home a girl with their 3rd. One of the older brothers said, "OH! It's a lady baby!"

 

[DawnM]

^^^^ this!!

Even my doctor said that having "A" drink now and then was okay.

And yes, I was very disappointed when I found out that my second child was going to be a boy. I already had a daughter and wanted another girl. I never had a sister and always longed for one, and I wanted my daughter to have a sister. And I had no interest in boy stuff. I remember leaving the ultrasound and being in tears over having a boy. I was very sad about it until he was born. I will admit that I still feel bad that my daughter never got her sister. That doesn't mean that I don't adore my son, I do.

I didn't have alcohol while pregnant, but I did have coffee. Every day. It always baffles me when women say they can't have coffee now that they are pregnant.

 

[cabanafrau]

I didn't have alcohol while pregnant, but I did have coffee. Every day. It always baffles me when women say they can't have coffee now that they are pregnant.

Pregnancy really messed with my ability to sleep. When I had any caffeine sheer misery followed when I absolutely could not sleep that night. I chose to stop all caffeine in an attempt to get more rest. I really craved my tea but realized the price to pay for having it was too steep.

 

[Allison]

That is quite a reach, Hikergirl.

I think so too.

 

[mamacatnv]

We didn't know gender until the birth, there was no time to be disappointed, that overwhelming love just kicked in.

I think its normal to be disappointed and a mourning period is expected.