Teens and drinking

[wdwdove]

Old user, new name due to issue...
I have a question and need some advice. DD is 16 and has a new bff w/in the last couple years. Nice girl, good student, bad influence. DH hadn't agreed. Now have reason to believe DD and new BFF have been drinking at other girls house. DH & I disagree on how to handle this and wanted to get some advice from those who have been through it before. I don't want DD at her house, she can come to ours. I want to talk to other parent because if it was reversed and at my house and I didn't know, I sure would want someone to tell me. I'm also concerned maybe other parent knows and doesn't care which is a whole other issue. Am I making too big a deal out of it? I also don't want to overreact because I know kids try stuff but DD is a good student and kid and I don't want her heading down the wrong path. UGH. any advice? thanks.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Old user, new name due to issue...
I have a question and need some advice. DD is 16 and has a new bff w/in the last couple years. Nice girl, good student, bad influence. DH hadn't agreed. Now have reason to believe DD and new BFF have been drinking at other girls house. DH & I disagree on how to handle this and wanted to get some advice from those who have been through it before. I don't want DD at her house, she can come to ours. I want to talk to other parent because if it was reversed and at my house and I didn't know, I sure would want someone to tell me. I'm also concerned maybe other parent knows and doesn't care which is a whole other issue. Am I making too big a deal out of it? I also don't want to overreact because I know kids try stuff but DD is a good student and kid and I don't want her heading down the wrong path. UGH. any advice? thanks.

My first thoughts are that you are unlikely to get anywhere with the other parent if your attitude is that the other kid is a "bad influence" especially given that the girls have been friends for a couple of years.

Not knowing WHAT reason you have to beleive the girls have been drinking, that said drinking happened at the other girls' house or that the other parents may be aware, and not knowing how well you know the parents it is hard to offer much advice about if you should aproach them But I will say that IF you do, you REALLY need to approach it as "I think OUR daughters have been doing xyz, how can we work together to fix this"

Personally, I would not ban a 16 year old from going to a friends' house unless I had clear proof of continued bad behaviour or a real safety issue there (like a parent who was a sexual predator or something). Have you talked to your DD? What have you tried up to now? Or is "you cannot be at her house" step one for you?

 

[wenrob]

Old user, new name due to issue...
I have a question and need some advice. DD is 16 and has a new bff w/in the last couple years. Nice girl, good student, bad influence. DH hadn't agreed. Now have reason to believe DD and new BFF have been drinking at other girls house. DH & I disagree on how to handle this and wanted to get some advice from those who have been through it before. I don't want DD at her house, she can come to ours. I want to talk to other parent because if it was reversed and at my house and I didn't know, I sure would want someone to tell me. I'm also concerned maybe other parent knows and doesn't care which is a whole other issue. Am I making too big a deal out of it? I also don't want to overreact because I know kids try stuff but DD is a good student and kid and I don't want her heading down the wrong path. UGH. any advice? thanks.

Is she still a good student? Have you asked/talked to her about it? That would be where I would start. I would tread lightly though and whatever you do, do not bad mouth the friend. That will backfire on you big time.

My policy was: if you or your friends drink, call me no matter what time it is and I’ll come get you. I feel like not demonizing it made it less of an issue. DD was never much of drinker but plenty of her friends did and do drink and they’re still great, responsible kids.

 

[gotomu212]

My advise is to have a heart to heart with your daughter about you beliefs on drinking, the dangers of drinking, ways to resist peer pressure, and how to be safe if she is in a situation where drinking is happening/drinking herself. That way she is equipped to deal with it regardless of where it’s happening. She’s presumably going to college in less than 2 years so it’s a perfect time to start building responsible attitudes.

Trying to keep her away from any one house or situation with drinking is probably not going to work in the long run. There are probably several houses and parties she can go to if she wants to drink.

I personally would call the other parent and just say you’re concerned about drinking and let them know that you aren’t comfortable with your daughter being offered alcohol. If they don’t know, now they do. If they did know, now they know you aren’t comfortable with it.

I don’t think it’s overreacting to have a conversation and lay out expectations, it might be overreacting to say she can never go to this friends house (because honestly there are lots of houses she can go to and the most important thing to me is having my kids know they can call me when in trouble rather than getting more hurt trying to hide a bad situation).

Edit to add: with your update that you’ve only seen 2 pictures on social meeting I would not call the other parents. I assumed this was a more regular occurrence and you knew they were drinking often at their house.

 

[cabanafrau]

FWIW, what you've written leads me to believe that you have an attitude your DD is a good kid, this friend is leading your DD down a bad path and the other parents seem to be either negligent or flatout encouraging underage drinking.

If you approach another parent with that attitude and you have misread the situation it's highly unlikely they will want to cooperate with you.

 

[wdwdove]

Thank you for all the advice so far. To address some things... I am fairly certain it is at their house because they always sleep over there. I don't know the parents well at all, however this is their youngest of 5 (all of the others are over 21 and they do drink with) and this is our oldest so I feel we're at different parenting stages if that makes any sense. I would approach it with them as if, I think the girls are doing this were you aware. I just want to make sure I don't over react or cause any strain with DD on one side, but on the other side I feel she needs to be parented and have some rules.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I would speak to my DD first and go from there. I wouldn't go to the other parent right away. Depending on what my DD said then I would decide on what to do next.

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

Why do you think they’re drinking though? Is it just because she’s sleeping there? Have you actually talked to her about it?
Like others have mentioned I’d be careful about banning her from going there or jumping to conclusions about if she’s drinking if you don’t have actual reason to think something bad is happening. If she thinks you’re going to be angry with her or not let her do things she will be more reluctant to call you if she really did ever need a ride. If she’s a good student and participating in extracurriculars, is healthy, happy etc I personally don’t know how much I’d rock the boat. Teens are going to do stuff and honestly the ones who went crazy in college are the ones who were totally sheltered in high school.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thank you for all the advice so far. To address some things... I am fairly certain it is at their house because they always sleep over there. I don't know the parents well at all, however this is their youngest of 5 (all of the others are over 21 and they do drink with) and this is our oldest so I feel we're at different parenting stages if that makes any sense. I would approach it with them as if, I think the girls are doing this were you aware. I just want to make sure I don't over react or cause any strain with DD on one side, but on the other side I feel she needs to be parented and have some rules.

So what causes you to believe drinking is happening at these overnights?

 

[wdwdove]

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

 

[MamaBelle4]

What is your reason to believe she is drinking? Not WHERE it is happening, why do you believe it to be happening? Change in behavior, coming home hungover, smell on clothes, etc?

I don't know the parents well at all, however this is their youngest of 5 (all of the others are over 21 and they do drink with) and this is our oldest so I feel we're at different parenting stages if that makes any sense.

Not sure what you mean by "parenting stages" unless you feel the friend's parents have checked out, which I hope isn't what you meant.

I'm the youngest of 5. I attended several of my older siblings "parties" in the basement with my parents' knowledge and drank with my siblings. Never in my live have I been pass out drunk and only was hungover once.

Never, NEVER, had my parents allowed my friends to attend. They knew that teenagers do that sort of thing and knew me well enough to know hanging out with my older siblings would be sufficient for me (they were right) and would keep me under their eyes.

And back to the subject at hand. Talk to your daughter first. Be a safe space for her. DO NOT be judgemental, do not attack the friend. Tell her you're concerned she may have started drinking and tell her you are here for her whenever she needs you.

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

I wouldn’t be ok with the social media part but I’d personally just talk to her about being responsible (in my mind this means not posting photos of underage drinking). That said, “banning” her from seeing these friends or trying to stop her from doing this will probably only make her start sneaking.

 

[aprilchem]

I think I feel significantly different than the others who have commented on this thread - I'm not much of a "kids will be kids" person, especially when the behavior is illegal (and won't be legal for another 5 years, assuming you are in the US). I'd start by talking to my child, then I'd have a conversation with the parents of the other child. If drinking was happening, no way would I allow my kid to go over there again - if they wanted to hang out from then on, it would be at my house, under my supervision.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

Just sit your DD down and TALK to her. No need to go in circles and try to accuse someone else. Your DD is 16. She has a mind of her own. Maybe she wants to experiment and have some "fun."

 

[NHdisneylover]

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

So is it safe to assume that if your DD is not aware you have seen these 2 photos, that you have not spoken to her about this at all?

Personally, I think you are making far too much out of this if you'd go straight from two photos to banning her from being at a good friends' house and calling the parents to acuse their child of being a bad influence.

If it were me, I'd talk to my DD. I'd tell her I saw the photos and that I am concerned- We'd talk about how photos like that can be used against them in many ways and poublishing photos of themself breaking the law is a really bad idea.

Then I'd talk to them about my thoughts on drinking. I agree with the PPs that I'd focus much more on safety (that you don't aprrove of the drinking underage, but if she does here is what she needs to know/do to be reasonably safe about it)---parenting this age is tough, there is a fine line between giving them too much freedom and controling too much and thereby pushing them to rebel or feel unsafe talking to you.

I dount I would contact the other parents that I do not know over two photos. But if you choose to, I hope you just call to say you say these photos of the girls, don'T know when or where it happened, but thought they might also want to be aware of what the kids had apparently been up to.

 

[MamaBelle4]

You need to talk to her.

Talking to the other parents will do no good. Talking to your daughter is of utmost importance. There are consequences for breaking the law, and there are even more for flaunting it on social media. Things online are forever. I'm glad that I missed the social media age as a teen.

 

[JaneBanks]

Playing devil's advocate...

What if it's your daughter that's doing the influencing?

I would talk to your daughter before accusing other people.

 

[morgan98]

At 16, she is old enough to know what she is doing. She is making the choice to go to the friend's house and then to drink.

I think coming to the conclusion that her friend is the bad influence and that the parents are more relaxed parents because they have older kids is just blaming the wrong person.

You need to discuss this with your daughter and make her aware of what you will tolerate with regards to alcohol.

 

[anniemae]

At her age, I would talk to her first.

 

[luvsJack]

I would talk to dd. A lot! I wouldn’t blame the friend, your dd is making her own choices but I get it, sometimes you do know that another kid is a bad influence.

With the parents of dd’s friends, I would know that I could go to them and say “hey just thought you should be aware. We have already talked to dd”. I certainly wouldn’t accuse the other girl but don’t think that was what you were implying you would do.