Teens and drinking

[Wishing on a star]

There are some real assumptions and judgments based on assumptions.
That is not going to help anything....

I will say that if my kid, at that young age, was posting on social media with hard liquor and shots...
There WOULD be some immediate and serious consequences.

I did say that there is a VERY tough line to walk at this age...
A parent being too CONTROLLING will often result in rebellion.
But I do not, in any way, equate that, or use that to justify, looking the other way when there are illegal and self-destructive behaviors going on.
I am not all about being controlling. (my posting history on these topics will show that) But, in no way would I forgo my parental obligations to look out for the best interest of my kid, and just not-discipline my early teenager, because the poor baby might rebel.

Controlling and Discipline/Consequences are two different things.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

A phone being taken away? Being removed from a prestigious program that is handing you $100K? I don't think any of the consequences are overreactions. I feel badly for the finalists that weren't chosen. The rule breakers took a slot and didn't respect the program.

If you want to drink (and flaunt it), go right ahead. There will be consequences.

Phone being taken away for a month after finding out that your teen was drinking. Yes, I think those are extreme consequences and they won't work. It will just cause major tension and your teen will ending up not respecting you and sneaking around behind your back. Talk to your kid so they understand what will happen if they continue to drink and post pictures.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Phone being taken away for a month after finding out that your teen was drinking. Yes, I think those are extreme consequences and they won't work. It will just cause major tension and your teen will ending up not respecting you and sneaking around behind your back. Talk to your kid so they understand what will happen if they continue to drink and post pictures.

I guess I am looking at it from my point of view. By 16, my children knew not to do illegal acts and/or put pictures of illegal activities online. So, a month without a phone would be a mild consequence. I don't think that is a bad punishment at all.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

My son is 17. I wouldn't take his phone away if he drank and posted pics online. I would talk to him and let him know what can of worms he opened up for himself by posting it on social media. I would then speak to him about alcoholism since it runs in our family and is hereditary (we've talked about this a LOT). By this age he's close to being on his own. I feel taking a phone away is something you do to a middle schooler. Not a nearly grown adult. He has to deal with the real life consequences. I don't punish my son anymore. We talk and discuss. I also let him fall on his face and figure things out on his own. This would be one of them. "So you posted that on IG. Well you just opened up pandoras box kid. Do you understand colleges can find that? Future employers?" That would be his punishment.

 

[mom2rtk]

I don't think it's unreasonable to take the phone away for a while. Presumably, the kid used the phone to post the photos, and they need to learn that's a pretty serious mistake.

Of course, once you let them know you saw their photos online, they'll be more careful with the next social media account they set up (and they will) so you will have even less of an idea what's going on.

I think I probably would have started with a lot of questions about what they did at the friend's house, and tried to see if I could get them to admit what they had been up to.

I'm honestly not sure what I'd do after that. It would be somewhere between a kumbaya discussion and a grounding for life.

 

[Pink Partridge]

My son is 17. I wouldn't take his phone away if he drank and posted pics online. I would talk to him and let him know what can of worms he opened up for himself by posting it on social media. I would then speak to him about alcoholism since it runs in our family and is hereditary (we've talked about this a LOT).

But let's pretend your son did choose to drink and post it, has the talking really worked? Maybe it's time to move beyond the talking and give a concrete consequence. "I pay for this phone that you are using to post illegal pictures of. I am shutting it off until further notice."

"So you posted that on IG. Well you just opened up pandoras box kid. Do you understand colleges can find that? Future employers?" That would be his punishment.

To me, that's one heck of a consequence. I can't imagine thinking being turned down from colleges and jobs (which it WILL happen due to certain online activity) is a consequence I would want my teenager to suffer for the rest of their life. If they are making bad decisions with their phone, I would rather shut it down so they aren't able to ruin their life. It will give them time to think about what should and what shouldn't be posted online.

 

[jrmasm]

My kid is responsible for her own actions. I would be dealing with her, and only her. And she would regret the day she was stupid enough to post pictures of herself boozing on social media.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

But let's pretend your son did choose to drink and post it, has the talking really worked? Maybe it's time to move beyond the talking and give a concrete consequence. "I pay for this phone that you are using to post illegal pictures of. I am shutting it off until further notice."


To me, that's one heck of a consequence. I can't imagine thinking being turned down from colleges and jobs (which it WILL happen due to certain online activity) is a consequence I would want my teenager to suffer for the rest of their life. If they are making bad decisions with their phone, I would rather shut it down so they aren't able to ruin their life. It will give them time to think about what should and what shouldn't be posted online.

Luckily neither of my kids are big social media people. We had the social media talk plenty of times. My son is also a very private person so he doesn’t post much of anything on social media. I’ve told him Once it’s out there the consequences can come. We can’t turn back time and unpost them. I just can’t see myself taking a phone away from an almost grown man.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't find taking a phone from a 16 year old; a phone you are likely paying for, as extreme. What exactly do some of you find to be appropriate punishment?

We caught yds drinking at his grandmother's house. They were in the garage shooting pool. Well, he was sick as a dog and actually green when we saw him so he had punished himself by that time, but he still was grounded for two weeks.

We were never particularly hard on our kids. We didn't try to control their friendships or their lives. But they did have rules to follow at 16. No drinking was one of those rules.

Honestly, for us, the conversations started long before anyone got caught doing anything.

 

[Hikergirl]

But let's pretend your son did choose to drink and post it, has the talking really worked? Maybe it's time to move beyond the talking and give a concrete consequence. "I pay for this phone that you are using to post illegal pictures of. I am shutting it off until further notice."


To me, that's one heck of a consequence. I can't imagine thinking being turned down from colleges and jobs (which it WILL happen due to certain online activity) is a consequence I would want my teenager to suffer for the rest of their life. If they are making bad decisions with their phone, I would rather shut it down so they aren't able to ruin their life. It will give them time to think about what should and what shouldn't be posted online.

I was that kid whose parent thought my friend was a bad influence. The truth is I wanted to drink, get high and party, it had nothing to do with my friend. I was also brought up in a very strict household, which made me rebel even more.
If cell phones were a thing back then, taking it away would not have stopped the behavior I was being punished for. It also wouldn't stop me from posing for pics and others posting it on social media.
I think each parent has to figure out what they want to gain from the punishment, and what will work to achieve that.
For my kids, taking away a phone is not something I would do, but I have a very relaxed view of teen drinking. I know my kids are going to be exposed to it, so I'd rather teach them to make smart and safe choices when they are. I think at that age it is time to start letting them deal with the consequences of their actions, not protect them from those consequences. A parent has to decide what that means for them, for me it doesn't apply to immediate danger situations, and I'm sure others that I haven't thought of at this point.
Getting drunk and posting on social media- yes you did it, you deal with the natural consequences of that.
I also want to know what is going on with them, and (for me) I feel that once I start punishing and forbidding then they will just start being sneaky about it. Maybe not, but I know how I was when I was their age, and I know that stuff didn't work for me at all.

 

[rodeo65]

So, we're dealing with this now also. The age and stage. DD is 15 and DS almost 17. They have an overlapping circle of friends and often socialise together. We are aware that both drink at parties, as do all of their friends. Both have had experiences with being drunk and neither enjoyed the aftermath.

DH and I have different experiences and therefore perspectives - he no longer drinks while I do socially. Our kids grew up with many discussions on alcoholism, on responsible drinking and have watched me ask DH to drive any time I've had even one drink. We have talked, talked and talked some more about this issue and our expectations. They know we will pick them up anywhere any time as well as any of their friends if they shouldn't be driving. (eta - neither drives yet but many friends do, so the umbrella covers them in future and anyone driving them now.) They know our preference is that they don't drink but also that we are aware they have and the biggest concern we have is responsible self management. Even with this they both were stupid once (so far - and actually twice for DD.)

Because of the incident with DD when she drank too much, she no longer has the privilege of going to parties without my involvement. I drive her there, make sure parents are supervising and pick her up. She's not happy with it, but understands it's because of her unwillingness to take responsibility for her behaviour that we don't trust her judgement, and she'll have to earn that back with a long period of showing better choices. DS took immediate responsibility when he did it, had an open discussion about why he made the choice and what he'll do differently and has followed through, so he has been trusted with more freedom since.

These years are challenging for sure as pp's have mentioned. And as discussed, in a couple of short years (just over one for DS) they'll be completely responsible for every choice and decision. This is the small window of teen years where we can help them learn to make good ones and I'm on the side of the fence that forbidden fruit is all the sweeter. I much prefer that they talk to both DH and to me even when they've screwed up.

My parents were extremely controlling; they are great parents but never allowed me to make any decisions or learn anything for myself. As a result, I was a VERY sneaky teenager, kept almost everything about my life from 15-20 hidden and am extremely lucky nothing life altering ever happened. DH was a million times worse than I was. I am amazed that he lived to adulthood honestly, with some of the stories I've heard! His parents were a weird mix of controlling but didn't really care. Mostly they just didn't want to deal with him so preferred that he behave. As long as they weren't confronted with any problems they were fine with ignoring whatever he did.

OP as many have mentioned; work to have open communication with your DD. As much as my own daughter is unhappy with being driven to and from social events by her parents, after several months she has finally started to see that she brought it on herself and I'm starting to see small increments of admitting responsibility for her actions.

 

[mom2rtk]

So, we're dealing with this now also. The age and stage. DD is 15 and DS almost 17. They have an overlapping circle of friends and often socialise together. We are aware that both drink at parties, as do all of their friends. Both have had experiences with being drunk and neither enjoyed the aftermath.

DH and I have different experiences and therefore perspectives - he no longer drinks while I do socially. Our kids grew up with many discussions on alcoholism, on responsible drinking and have watched me ask DH to drive any time I've had even one drink. We have talked, talked and talked some more about this issue and our expectations. They know we will pick them up anywhere any time as well as any of their friends if they shouldn't be driving. (eta - neither drives yet but many friends do, so the umbrella covers them in future and anyone driving them now.) They know our preference is that they don't drink but also that we are aware they have and the biggest concern we have is responsible self management. Even with this they both were stupid once (so far - and actually twice for DD.)

Because of the incident with DD when she drank too much, she no longer has the privilege of going to parties without my involvement. I drive her there, make sure parents are supervising and pick her up. She's not happy with it, but understands it's because of her unwillingness to take responsibility for her behaviour that we don't trust her judgement, and she'll have to earn that back with a long period of showing better choices. DS took immediate responsibility when he did it, had an open discussion about why he made the choice and what he'll do differently and has followed through, so he has been trusted with more freedom since.

These years are challenging for sure as pp's have mentioned. And as discussed, in a couple of short years (just over one for DS) they'll be completely responsible for every choice and decision. This is the small window of teen years where we can help them learn to make good ones and I'm on the side of the fence that forbidden fruit is all the sweeter. I much prefer that they talk to both DH and to me even when they've screwed up.

My parents were extremely controlling; they are great parents but never allowed me to make any decisions or learn anything for myself. As a result, I was a VERY sneaky teenager, kept almost everything about my life from 15-20 hidden and am extremely lucky nothing life altering ever happened. DH was a million times worse than I was. I am amazed that he lived to adulthood honestly, with some of the stories I've heard! His parents were a weird mix of controlling but didn't really care. Mostly they just didn't want to deal with him so preferred that he behave. As long as they weren't confronted with any problems they were fine with ignoring whatever he did.

OP as many have mentioned; work to have open communication with your DD. As much as my own daughter is unhappy with being driven to and from social events by her parents, after several months she has finally started to see that she brought it on herself and I'm starting to see small increments of admitting responsibility for her actions.

I totally understand the thought progression that leads one to drive their teen to and from a party. I just would never be doing it. They wouldn't be going.

Our older 2 are past the age we need to be involved in this type of thing. Our last is 17 and so far so good.

 

[Disneylovingmomof2]

Honestly as a parent I’d be more concerned with reckless social media usage than drinking.
Let’s be real, teenagers are going to experiment. Making them scared of us is only going to force them to hide things and go behind our backs. It’s our job to teach them to be responsible and not put themselves into situations that would get them into trouble. This means NOT posting photos on IG, FB or whatever other site they have access to. I personally don’t even post photos of my children online, not saying you should/shouldn’t but that’s just my stance on social media.
If my kid was posting things I’d ask him/her “How would you feel if a potential college or employer found this photo of you?”

 

[rodeo65]

I totally understand the thought progression that leads one to drive their teen to and from a party. I just would never be doing it. They wouldn't be going.

Our older 2 are past the age we need to be involved in this type of thing. Our last is 17 and so far so good.

Yep, that was my initial thought also. However, I know well enough from my own teen behaviour and from what I've seen from one of DD's friends in particular with the most controlling parents I've ever seen (and I thought mine were bad) that I'd just hear they were going to this friend or that and then would just go where they planned anyway. I'd rather know where they are and that they know I'm watching their behaviour and looking for them to make better choices to earn back more freedom.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't tell my kids they aren't allowed to go to parties. I would rather know they were there and even provide transportation than them try to sneak around to get there and back home and end up getting in the car with a drunk friend.
It has yet to come up though, my kids are 14,17 and 20 and my 2 older never went to parties. My younger one probably will.
I'm not really sure how with mine and dh's past but we ended up with at least 2 kids who just have no interest in partying. Maybe it has something to do with the way dh and I have taught them about being responsible without forbidding and being strict.

 

[rodeo65]

It's such an interesting topic. I am very close to my parents. Once we got through the early 20's and I'd moved out we were much more able to communicate and be open. We have a lot of discussion now; I hide nothing about my own kids and the things we deal with.

My mother says often she was as strict as she was because she just didn't have another way to deal with that age. She didn't want to have discussions about teenage drinking or sex or anything that she considered "bad" so she just clamped down on what I was allowed to do (almost nothing) and stuck her head in the sand that I may be sneaking around. They caught me once in those years and until I recently let them know it wasn't a one off she honestly thought that was it and I got caught the one and only time I messed up. She was completely shocked that I did everything I've now told her I did.

 

[HappyMomma]

I have an adult child, a teen and a grade schooler. Somewhere around the time the second one was 10 I nixed sleepovers. After a few occurrences of things that didn't involve drinking I decided I didn't trust other parents with my child. Teens will try to get away with all kinds of crap. They'll find the "easy" parent and that becomes "the" house. So for me, it's NO sleepovers ever. It's not necessary. I do allow kids to sleep at my house though. Call me a hypocrite, don't care. I have a ZERO tolerance for illegal and destructive activities. They can rebel away. The hammer is coming down hard on things that cause an error in judgement that could have life altering consequences. I would not speak to any other parents. This is between you and your child. No matter what other kids do, your kid is responsible for their actions.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Old user, new name due to issue...
I have a question and need some advice. DD is 16 and has a new bff w/in the last couple years. Nice girl, good student, bad influence. DH hadn't agreed. Now have reason to believe DD and new BFF have been drinking at other girls house. DH & I disagree on how to handle this and wanted to get some advice from those who have been through it before. I don't want DD at her house, she can come to ours. I want to talk to other parent because if it was reversed and at my house and I didn't know, I sure would want someone to tell me. I'm also concerned maybe other parent knows and doesn't care which is a whole other issue. Am I making too big a deal out of it? I also don't want to overreact because I know kids try stuff but DD is a good student and kid and I don't want her heading down the wrong path. UGH. any advice? thanks.

Thank you for all the advice so far. To address some things... I am fairly certain it is at their house because they always sleep over there. I don't know the parents well at all, however this is their youngest of 5 (all of the others are over 21 and they do drink with) and this is our oldest so I feel we're at different parenting stages if that makes any sense. I would approach it with them as if, I think the girls are doing this were you aware. I just want to make sure I don't over react or cause any strain with DD on one side, but on the other side I feel she needs to be parented and have some rules.

________________________________
Drinking doesn't equal bad influence nor wrong path. Usually it's casual drinking though sometimes yes it goes into binge and other behaviors like hard-core drugs crop up-unless you suspect binge and drug usage I wouldn't consider it a big big issue. But drinking itself as you have seen it in social media doesn't equate to bad influence.

Presumably over the years you've taught your daughter the importance of resisting peer pressure and to be herself. But it is also equally as likely she is the one who came up with the idea for drinking. For all you know her friend said "no we shouldn't do it" and your daughter was the one say "on come on let's"

If you only let the friend come over to your house are you watching them 24/7?

As far as you thinking it's possible the other parent know and doesn't care--well different parenting occurs right?

*Families with alcoholism will likely deal with the subject differently thus I am not speaking towards that

________________________________

I've seen pics on social media. not a lot..only 2 but pics w/them doing shots and then just a group hanging out photo w/alcohol in it. She is not aware i have seen the pics.

Pictures on social media are a concern since more and more employers and colleges, etc are actively looking at social media. That is something I would discuss with your daughter in the dangers of putting stuff up.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Anyone else think 16 is old to be having sleepovers? Maybe I'm in left field here, but at that age, I don't see any reason for sleepovers except for partying.

My DD is 16 as well. She and her friends stopped sleepovers in middle school. They hang out all the time. But no slumber parties anymore. But, they're not drinkers.

They may not call it a 'sleepover' or 'slumber party' but most def do teens stay over at someone's house for the night and not party.

I had 2 best friends who lived right by school. I didn't have a license (just a learner's permit) nor car until beginning of 2nd semester of senior year. We would hang out a lot at each other houses and no we didn't party a ton nor was partying the reason to stay over at someone's house.

I can think of multiple times:
~ going to the movies and going back to someone's house for the night
~ multiple times as a junior or senior did we go home to someone's house after school and stay there for that night--we usually planned it around tests and whatnot so we weren't trying to study at a friends house as neither of us found that worked for us
~ planned a shopping day at the mall then went back to someone's house for the night
~ went to a football game then stayed over at someone's house

It's a pretty limited definition you are using for sleepovers/slumber parties in age limit, what it's being called and what activities are done.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I will add mho, if you and DH can't come together on the issue it is sending mixed messages to your daughter. Why does your husband disagree? Drinking can cause many things to damage teens. I will keep you in my prayers.