I saw this a couple of days ago but haven't had a chance to respond. I knew it would be long, lol.
Sorry to hear it. I fully understand. Also an RN with 30+ years working in acute care hospitals. It can be rough. You are definitely burnt out. I have btdt before, but I guess we're opposite in that with me, it was in my first RN job. (Sounds silly but the road to get there wasn't easy for me, was in school FT for seven years, and had to work two jobs to make ends meet, live on my own, etc., so by the time I started I had already been in the workforce for many years, even before college.) Anyway, pay there was pretty good but working conditions were abysmal. Basically not enough staff to do the jobs that needed to be done with patients. I stayed OT daily but never got paid for it. They gave a lot of vacation time but I never got to take any. I literally cried myself home in the car every day. I was showing signs of distress at home, like sleepwalking and mumbling to my DH that I "needed help, would show him how to pass meds", etc. My nurse manager at the time had a favorite saying, and she said it gleefully, to boot: "It's no better anywhere else!".
Everyone there was so burnt out that nobody helped anyone else; there was no team work at all. It was every dog for himself, so to speak. And being new, I was just learning how to manage it all, so it was really disastrous for me. All I did was put out fires all day, every day. And that's not why I went into nursing. I went into nursing because I wanted to help people. Here, I wasn't helping people, I was just running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to do technical things like EKGs and discharges and admissions, and VNA referrals, etc., often while I was trying to scarf down a few bites of a sandwich. I had no time to actually take care of patients the right way. Such a shame, as I loved that patient population. Finally, after yet another night of sleepwalking, crying and asking for help, my DH commented that I really needed to look for a new job for my own health. I knew he was right but the thought of it was daunting. Remembering what my nurse manager said, I was wondering if she was right and that maybe it was the same everywhere and that I'd made a mistake going into nursing. Ugh. Then one day a patient came up to me, sheepishly, like almost ducking, and said "I know you're busy but my bed hasn't been changed in five days, if you give me the stuff, I'll do it myself". That was my final straw. I stopped what I was doing, went and got the linens, changed his bed by myself, and spent some time with him. And later that day I gave my notice.
I wound up going to a place I'd done a clinical and liked a lot. I've been there ever since. There are trade-offs, such as traffic and parking issues, and of course other things from time to time, like at any hospital, but overall it's been a good fit. And that nurse director was dead wrong.
It's not the same everywhere. In a way I was glad to have had that experience at the beginning of my career, because as bad as things ever got at the new place, they were never anywhere near as bad as they were at the old place. I was glad to have been given that perspective. New nurses who never worked anywhere else would complain about silly things and I'd think geez they have no idea. Plus systems have improved a lot since that time, as well as training and support, etc., for newer nurses today. In the old days, we were sort of thrown to the wolves when it came to new experiences, so to speak. Not anymore. And for that we probably have some of the regulatory agencies to thank, although they've been a double edged sword because they've also made our jobs a lot more complicated and stressful with the never ending increased workloads that patients neither understand nor care about - they just want to be cared for and aren't interested in how it gets done, really, and that is part of the stress that we all live with in trying to provide care to people today. It's like we're caught between a rock and a hard place. Electronic record administration has added a whole new element of stres for us. Sometimes I feel like I have a gigantic puzzle in front of me at the beginning of my shift (and I hate puzzles, lol), which eats away at me for 12 hrs yet I have to have it completed by the end of my shift. It's endless. And this is how it is now, no going back.
I'd say you should do what makes you happy. If leaving nursing and finding something else to do, or doing nothing, makes you happy, then go for it. Life, absolutely, is short, as we as nurses know so well. I will say, though, that it is hard as a nurse to be away from nursing, because you lose a lot of your identity, whether you appreciate that right now or not. Being a nurse isnt just a job, it's who you are. When I was away from the bedside for a while during my cancer experience, I felt like my right arm was missing or something. It was a weird feeling not taking care of patients, and I didn't like it at all. I missed it a lot. And when I came back to it, I had a new appreciation for it, as I could've lost it, so that was good for me to learn about myself. I'm one of those goofballs who thinks that being a nurse is a privilege, still, and I totally love the work that I do, even if it does have some drawbacks. Have I been burnt out on occasion? Yes. As like you, I had kids to care for and other responsibilities at home, and it was hard to give, give, give of myself all the time, which is what us nurses tend to do. At some point, you have to care for
yourself, too. Thankfully I'd learned that in cancer treatment, so I made some changes when I came back and those have worked well for me and enabled me to continue with my work even when things sometimes still get hard. If I were advising you I'd say to look for a different job where you are now, or somewhere else. And cut your hours down, and look for a better schedule less days per week. Don't worry about a pay cut as you are thinking about dropping your pay anyway, right? I really wish I could work with you if you wanted to try the bedside again. Lots of nurses come back, and they do ok. Key is a good unit and a good preceptor. I would make it work for you. I did not like the way we were taught on our electronic record system and now I can explain it much easier to other nurses. It's not that difficult once you learn the system. And yes, it's challenging to take care of patients today with all it entails and still give them a good experience, but it can be done, as long as you work in a good place with correct staffing levels. That said, there are days I think I'd like to go work in a flower shop, or with animals, or maybe start my own business somewhere. But then I remember that the work I do is important to people, and I still have a lot left to give as a nurse. Right now my daughter is in training and she thinks that what I do is pretty cool so it's fun seeing her getting off the ground in the field and being able to talk to her about things. Good luck with whatever you decide. PM me if you want to talk more.