Parents--help me understand ADD/ADHD

[Tink888]

There's no doubt in my mind ADD/ADHD is a medical condition. I had the nicest boy in our scout den - could not focus, could not sit still. With his meds he was a completely different kid. I don't think more discipline, diet, would have made any difference.

But I also think there are cases where it is misdiagnosed and people are too quick to label and give kids meds. I think as a society in general we are sometimes too quick to medicate. Look at how many parents want anti-biotics for a cold? If you go to the doctor because you feel depressed, it's a lot easier to walk out with a prescription for anti-depressents than with a referral to a therapist to talk to and try to figure out what might be causing it. Sometime it's not always a chemical imbalance.

When my son was in kindergarten he was a handful. Academically he could have gone straight to 1st grade. Socially he was behind. Talking, getting out of his seat, not listening in general. The teacher (2nd year teaching) wanted him tested. Flat out said she thought he'd be fine once he got the meds he needed. He was five! I talked with his preschool teacher - she said no way. So I had him tested, chose an outside doctor not with the school. He was immature, strong-willed and had some separation anxiety. Didn't like K - big change from pre-school. No meds. Had the teacher keep a journal (which I'm sure was a huge PITA), and we did behavior modification at school and home. Kindergarten was exhausting and basically a nightmare for him, his teacher and me. By 1st grade everything was fine. He matured and outgrew everything. If I had let the teacher/school take the lead, my son would have been filled with medication he didn't need for a condition he didn't have. There's no doubt in my mind about that.

Hard to blame the teachers (and I have the utmost respect for them). Class sizes are too big, any extra time spent on discipline is time taken away from learning. Not fair to the 18 kids who aren't having trouble. Medicate the kid, problem solved quickly. There are no easy solutions. Not always a lack of discipline on the parents part either.

I'm not making any assumptions about parent/kids with ADD/ADHD and whether or not they do/don't have it. I'm just saying (from personal experience) that there can sometimes be a very thin line. Every kid is different.

 

[Ember]

My opinion (as a teacher):

ADHD is very misunderstood. As one poster mentioned there is evidence which suggests there is actual differences in the brains of the people who suffer with it. Is is not a result of bad parenting, and there are behavioral and medical treatments that can significantly help.

Good parents wouldn't want their child to have ADHD, and they are proactive in helping their child. They will look for food triggers - which if found can make a huge difference. Finding medications that work can also be a long and sometimes heartbreaking process. The side effects of a drug that doesn't work can be devastating. These parents will often work with doctors and teachers to find workable solutions for their children, and will also work an coping skills. They know that in elementary school, people will bend to accommodate, but as the child gets older those accommodations become less readily available and they want their child to succeed in school and later in life.

That said, there are a good number of parents out there who do not qualify as good. It doesn't take much to produce kids, and, frankly, some people really shouldn't attempt procreation. These parents used ADHD as an excuse for their lack of discipline and will readily offer it as an excuse for their child's behavior. "Oh, it's okay, he's ADHD, you know. He can't help it." (Good parents never use this line, it's a dead give away.)

There are also teachers, parents, and even doctors who will happily slap a diagnosis on a child without knowing the first thing about it. Not every active child has ADHD. Some are just talkitive, or active, or will fidget. There is nothing wrong with them. They are just normal kids, and a little classroom management and positive reinforcement will sort them out.

It is my personal opinion that ADHD is over diagnosed, and there are parents who use it as an excuse and a crutch. But this does not invalidate the people who do suffer with it. And as a side note, to all those good parents out there, as a teacher I will work as hard as you will to ensure your child succeeds in every way possible.

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

My husband and my 8yo (on Sat!) dd both have ADHD. My dd is a major people pleaser, she is not a discipline problem. People who heard me say one of my kids has ADHD and then met them, if asked to pick which one had it would pick her last (and likely pick my very active but not ADHD 6yo first ).

I knew early on something was going on with her. I suspected ADHD early because she is soo like my dh who already had the diagnosis. Still it took a LONG time to diagnose her. Along the way we also found out she has vision problems requiring glasses and at one time eye patching, specific food sensitivities and dyslexia.... but yes even those things addressed the ADHD is still very present.

Now we took a different path then most in that we do not medicate. I've been slammed here for saying that before. It was a really hard decision, and one that all her doctors and teachers are fully on board with and at this point recommend. I've watched dh on the meds roller coaster for 11 years and I know that when it's good it's great and when it's bad it's terrifying. I have seen my dh, who is the most gentle person, flip to someone I don't know, who frankly scared the crap out of me in 2 doses of a new med. He chooses to not be medicated also, and says when he is he does not feel like himself. He is also dyslexic and it is believed that some of his coping mechanisms for dyslexia (which is a truly different way of thinking, not just a reading issue) are affected by the meds. I've also seen him on meds that were great for him, but his body adjusts to them quickly and they no longer work even with increased doses. He's never been able to use one more than a year without it losing effectivness (I don't think thats normal).

She is on an altered diet (no red dye, few refined sugars, as much unprocessed food as possible- we thought she ate fairly healthy before but it's amazing how much of these things can be in "healthy" foods like yogurt, etc). That said the change from diet was noticeable in overall behavior but did not affect the specific ADHD symtpoms. We went through and reorganized her room in a way that makes sense to her (befuddles me, but its clear to her). We made a firm routine, whereas before we were a very "go with the flow" family who changed things up often. Now we didn't lack structure, she just needed a lot more than the average kid.

But the biggest change came in putting her in a non-traditional school. It's a public charter school that does individualized curriculum, so learning is done one on one, and kids do not move on until they have mastered the subject. She also has pull-out resources at the school to address the dyslexia. They also teach everything multiple ways (hands-on, audibly, visually, etc). It helps that you can move about the classroom as much as you want (kids sit at desks, or standings desk, sit on carpet, etc and much of the kinetic learning involves movement). Dd is not a kids that needs to run alot but she is very fidgety and gets distracted more by just sitting, vs. standing and interacting with material. She can take as much time as on a lesson as needed provided she completes all her lessons by the end of the day. She is able to focus so much more on her lessons and retain them much better when she is an active participant in them.

Because of those changes she can function at the minimum level you would expect a bright kid (and she is really smart) to function. She no longer stands in her room for 30 minutes before getting dressed because she is overwhelmed by her closet and has been distracted by 30 different things in the meantime. She no longer sits (well behaved) in class not really taking in a single thing the teacher says. She is no longer as short tempered with us (which I truly believe was a result of her being frustrated and overwhelmed as it was something she only expressed in the comfort of home), her self confidence is now soo much higher.... But it is still a daily struggle for focus.

As dd gets a bit older we will continue to re-evaluate putting her on meds, particularly when she is driving age (non medicated ADHD drivers are among the worst on the road, medicated they are among the best drivers). It will always be a balance between the ADHD and dyslexia.

I am very optimistic about her progress because I have my dh to look at. He has been very successful in his career, not just despite of his ADHD and dyslexia but in part because of it. Sure he is hampered in some areas, but he approaches problems, and basically everything in a completely different way than other people. He works for one of the top 2 internet search companies and is the person who gets called in to solve issues that teams of very educated people have been working on for months, and hes good at it precisely because he works the problem from a completely different angle, makes connections no one else would make (a big gift in ADHD) and its just natural to him.

 

[Caradana]

Little-known fact = Michael Phelps has diagnosed ADHD. In person, he's delightful, but the affliction is clear. And LOOK at all he's accomplished.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Thank you, everyone, for all your input and your stories.

I haven't finished the book yet but I'm very interested the author's behavior mod exercises and it seems to be (to me anyway) a way to control if not cure altogether the problems of ADHD/ADD.

We've never had DS (4 1/2) diagnosed with anything, at least not formally, aside from a couple of food allergies. We suspect he has SID (or SPD as I guess it's called now) because of some odd behaviors we've noticed over the years.
He also has a speech delay as well as a slight physical delay and I wonder what else on earth could POSSIBLY go wrong now.

I never expected to have a less than perfect child when I found out I was pregnant. And I'm still learning to deal with the child I've got, still learning to deal with his problems as they come up. I'm just praying that with his lack of focus that ADD isn't one of them.

 

[goofy's friends]

We are just now headed down this road with DS7. He's always been extremely active and as our third, we automatically assumed we could tighten up on discipline and he would "straighten out".

Well, I took him to psychologist this summer and was told that there is new research that shows 84% of ADHD kids aren't able to store iron very well. So, for the first time in history, they have a simple blood test that will tell if the child has indicators of ADHD. Sure enough, DS has low iron. So we are trying iron supplements before we try other medications. He says that many of his patients see as much affect as ritalin but without the side affects. It was worth a try to us. So far, he's been on iron for 3 weeks and there is definatelya difference in him.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Good for you.

Like I said, DS hasn't been diagnosed with anything...yet. But he loses focus so easily and I don't know if that's a product of him being four, him being a little bit immature for his age or what.

 

[tazdev3225]

My DS has ADD/ADHD. I knew there was something wrong with him from the time he was a baby. He had a problems with attention, stopped taking naps by the time he was 13 months old, and believe me if he had one I got no sleep because he was up until midnight, and was always the daredevil. My DD was not quite as bad but also has ADD. I tried everything I could from diet to behavior modification and Ritalin was the only thing that helped. They both stopped taking it because they felt like zombies on it. Yes it is abused as a diagnosis but it is a real disorder.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

See, some of the 'symptoms' that people tell me they've seen in their ADD/ADHD children don't fit. He's not hyperactive, doesn't fidget, has a good attention span when he's interested in something and is generally well behaved with a good attitude. He even won the "Most Awesome Attitude" for his class in preschool last year. My mom says DS is so laid back, he might as well be permanently horizontal. Eats like a horse, sleeps good too.

It's just a lack of focus that I've started noticing, thanks to some pointers from Mr. Hottie Mc Hotpants, the school district's new APE (adaptive P.E.) teacher who he's been having sessions with this summer. I'll give you an example. I'll get a ball and say, "Ok! Catch!". DS will put out his arms but between me throwing the ball and the ball actually getting to him, he'll forget WHY his arms are out, start looking around and forget to catch the ball. Or it'll land on his arms and he'll not grab it. Or it'll land on his arms and hit him in the face and he looks surprised to see the ball there.

I think if he were ADD/ADHD he wouldn't have done as well as he did on our recent trip to WDW. He was extremely patient most of the time and when he did have cranky moments, he was (as usual) over it in five minutes.

I don't know. I feel like we've dealt with so much already with the speech thing and the PT thing and the going to Sp. Ed. pre-K..I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle an ADD diagnosis, if that's what it turns out to be. Part of me wants to drag him to a dr and get him tested asap and part of me wants to wait until the end of the school year to see if this straightens itself out.

 

[donnajon]

I can see how discipline can help with the H aspect but what is discipline going to do for ADD? DS11 is ADHD but his hyperactivity is generally quiet - stuff like constantly tapping pencils or squirming in his chair - but he would never loudly disrupt a classroom. I can deal with his hyperactivity. However, when his medications are correct, he cannot write legible and he cannot think well. Last spring while in 5th grade and medications were not at the correct level, he had trouble adding 54 + 2. I fifth grader should not even have to think about the answer to that. When his meds are ok, he is on honor roll. I think people equate ADHD with bad kids. They don't recognize the other aspects to the diagnosis.

 

[Sleepy]

ADHD without meds is like having an insanely severe itch that you are told you can't scratch. You have been told not to scratch and know you will be punished for scratching, but can you really have enough control to not scratch it without the use of anti-itch meds?

 

[Mermaid02]

I knew my son was different practically from birth. He was diagnosed at 6 wtih ADHD and medication has made his life so much better I can't even explain it. His biggest problem is impulse control. He is 11 and I still hold his hand crossing the street because if something catches his eye (a penny for example) he'll stop in the middle of the road and check it out. He locked himself in the trunk of his sister's car on Sunday. It was after dinner and he had no medication on board at that point. He thinks of something and I swear before he even is done with the thought- his body is already doing it.

 

[CF'er]

DS12 was diagnosed half-way through K. He started showing signs around Thanksgiving. After several thorough testing sessions with a psychologist he was put on meds. He is ADD very little H. He is a different child.

Fast forward through the years.... the school always looked in on him for signs of help needed. If they didn't know *HE* was the one to be evaluated it was hard to pick him out.

We just asked him if he wanted to try school this year off his meds. He said no he'd never get his work done. He forgot them a few days last year and had a rough time. He's in 7th. He was one of 5 chosen for citizenship last year. I wouldn't change a thing with what we have done with and for him. The meds have been a god send for us.

 

[DawnM]

Every kid is different and every kid with ADD/ADHD is different.

My middle son has ADD. He just graduated from high school. He has never been medicated. He has never had any behavior problems. His issues are attention issues. He often forgets things.....homework, chores, following through on something, etc.....he has worked really hard to compensate for this and writing things down has been a huge help. And now that most teachers have a Canvas page where all of his assignments and due dates are listed, it has helped tremendously! He can follow that instead of relying on his own remembering to write it down or remember the assignment.
He is heading off to college soon and I am thankful most professors have detailed syllabi with due dates on them.

I am also a school counselor and in charge of 504s for my students. Many students do need medication, but IMO, many do not. In fact, I have had parents tell me that they have taken their kids off the meds and they realized it didn't' make a huge amount of difference.

Those who benefit from the mediation should take it, but I think more are on it than need it.

And "it is just a discipline issue and they need to be taken behind the woodshed more often" is a crock of garbage.

 

[Sparkly]

Zombie thread! Some of the kids mentioned in this thread are probably adults now!!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Totally didn't realize this was a zombie thread!! (Apologies if just quoted anyone's post into space, since that changes my answer.)

In terms of the general discussion, I think there are a ton of layers to the ADHD issue. There's true ADHD (and within that, a spectrum of mild to severe) mixed in with other things that mimic the symptoms (from other medical issues to lack of discipline to modern lifestyles). There are so many variables, and every case is slightly different.

If anyone is pulling this thread up for advice, the best thing I can say is to do just what the OP was trying to do then - read books from different perspectives, and really listen to your gut on which one feels like it matches your kid. Also, like anything else in life, be sure to help your child see the advantages as well as the disadvantages, and feel like they have tools to overcome challenges, rather than an impossible situation to deal with.

 

[DopeyDame]

Thank you, everyone, for all your input and your stories.

I haven't finished the book yet but I'm very interested the author's behavior mod exercises and it seems to be (to me anyway) a way to control if not cure altogether the problems of ADHD/ADD.

We've never had DS (4 1/2) diagnosed with anything, at least not formally, aside from a couple of food allergies. We suspect he has SID (or SPD as I guess it's called now) because of some odd behaviors we've noticed over the years.
He also has a speech delay as well as a slight physical delay and I wonder what else on earth could POSSIBLY go wrong now.

I never expected to have a less than perfect child when I found out I was pregnant. And I'm still learning to deal with the child I've got, still learning to deal with his problems as they come up. I'm just praying that with his lack of focus that ADD isn't one of them.

Obviously I don't know your kid, and you should never listen to random strangers on the internet about how you parent, but...

He's FOUR! Still just a baby. Four year olds aren't supposed to be able to sit still and focus. They are literally designed to explore the world with their bodies.
Catching a ball is a *challenging* task for any four year old, partly because it's not unusual for them not to be able to focus on the ball from the time it leaves someone's hand until the time it gets to theirs. It's also a really hard hand-eye coordination task, so he just may be frustrated. DD, age 6, still has a heck of a time catching a ball! (She has some vision issues which make it more challenging, but she's not out of the realm of average with gross motor skills.)
Anyway... DS, now age 9, has been in speech therapy since he was 18 months old. At 4, he really wasn't able to be understood by most people (I could usually understand him, but even I couldn't understand 100% of the time.) Being 4 and not able to communicate well is HARD! It's hard on everyone. And the frustration at the speech skills often times boils over into behavior. Once DS was able to communicate well, his behavior improved significantly and he really started engaging and focusing on other things in ways he previously didn't.

All of which is to say... he's got a lot going on right now! Focus on speech therapy and just loving and enjoying the little guy you have now, right in front of you.
Don't go borrowing trouble.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Zombie threads are sometimes awesome to read!

It has been fascinating reading about ADHD, and what the standard medical thoughts and practices were 10 years ago compared to today. It's interesting that the same debate still goes on - is this a discipline issue or medical issue...or even a psychological issue? - and I love that new research is able to help us understand that medication helps fill in the gaps between nerve endings in the brain so that the nerves are able make connections much quicker, therefore allowing the child to focus and stay focused, while behavior therapy and discipline help with the psychological and emotional aspects. It's definitely a COMBINED effort and at least for my nephew whom we have custody of, is the best method of treating and helping him cope with ADHD. While I get frustrated that he is 12 years old and acts like a 8 year old, I also understand WHY and we work on getting him up to speed in behavior and emotions, while his school-day-only medication allows him to focus in school and begin to succeed at grade-level instead of constantly falling behind and lagging in below-level classes.

Thanks DawnM, for bringing this one back!

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Obviously I don't know your kid, and you should never listen to random strangers on the internet about how you parent, but...

He's FOUR! Still just a baby. Four year olds aren't supposed to be able to sit still and focus. They are literally designed to explore the world with their bodies.
Catching a ball is a *challenging* task for any four year old, partly because it's not unusual for them not to be able to focus on the ball from the time it leaves someone's hand until the time it gets to theirs. It's also a really hard hand-eye coordination task, so he just may be frustrated. DD, age 6, still has a heck of a time catching a ball! (She has some vision issues which make it more challenging, but she's not out of the realm of average with gross motor skills.)
Anyway... DS, now age 9, has been in speech therapy since he was 18 months old. At 4, he really wasn't able to be understood by most people (I could usually understand him, but even I couldn't understand 100% of the time.) Being 4 and not able to communicate well is HARD! It's hard on everyone. And the frustration at the speech skills often times boils over into behavior. Once DS was able to communicate well, his behavior improved significantly and he really started engaging and focusing on other things in ways he previously didn't.

All of which is to say... he's got a lot going on right now! Focus on speech therapy and just loving and enjoying the little guy you have now, right in front of you.
Don't go borrowing trouble.

Well...he's about 14 now and probably starting high school....wonder how he ended up doing? Wouldn't that he funny if he was like a star first baseman or wide receiver now? lol

 

[pezgirlroy]

Just chiming in to this old thread... My 7 year old daughter was diagnosed this year with ADHD. It is def. a true medical issue and diagnosis. I do feel that there was a time when it was over diagnosed. My husband has ADHD and there is strong belief that it is genetic. She is a very intelligent spunky girl who cannot focus in the classroom to save her life. This year in first grade she started to not do as well as her peers and it really was due to not being able to focus and concentrate. It can affect everything including social skills. She also is quick to anger which is a symptom. She is on low dose meds for school which have helped.Also has a 504 plan for school to help with things like being able to have longer to work on things. It is hard but it helps knowing what is going on with her. As a noted doctor said (Dr. Hallowell if you really want some good reading), adhd is a trait and an advantage not a disability.