Rude Adult Children?

[PeeWee70]

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[Scifidiner]

Do you support her financially?

 

[PeeWee70]

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[Lilacs4Me]

How old is she now?

My DD is 14 and can be quite blunt. I stop the conversation when she is being rude and tell her I will not allow her to talk to me that way. I feel if I let it slide now as a teen, it will be her "normal" as she grows up and I will not have it.

My DS18 was a bear at times as a younger teen. He is currently home for the week between semesters of college and is a dream - we are truly at that stage where he respects my opinions again and I love hearing his opinions and thoughts, but I'll tell you, there were times I didn't think it would ever happen.

At this point, you have every right to stand up for yourself and tell your daughter when she is behaving rudely. Calling it out as it is happening might help her understand where the boundary lies. Adult or not, you deserve to be respected by EVERYONE in your life and if you have to treat your DD like someone you work with or know casually for a while, do it! Would you ever stand for a coworker talking to you with disrespect? Then don't let ANYONE - even your daughter!

 

[PeeWee70]

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[iivye]

My DD is 15 and she started having mood swings where she would be sweet and then a week later she would be really snarky. We tried to put an end to it by grounding here and taking away the phone/internet but it wasn't really helping. She started taking birth control pills to clear up her skin and her mood has really improved. I still get some snark but it isn't often. I really think in my daughter's case her hormones were just out of whack. I'm not saying that is your daughter's issue but there may be more to it than just her being mean on purpose.

 

[Maggie Gallagher]

I think that would break my heart.

Have you told her that this hurts you? When mine get fresh, I look them in the eyes with no anger, just pain and disappointment. That usually gets them to pause and think about how they are acting and what they are saying. Sometimes their voices soften and they change course or I will get an actual apology. I think you need to relate on an emotional level.

If you have done that and this behavior continues, I am truly sorry that you are going through this.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Thank you for your advice. She is 26 and lives in another state. I finally did call her out on her behavior and let's just say that did not go well at all. My reason for starting this thread. This was the worst episode since becoming an adult and I feel I may finally have to distance myself. All these years... I was having trouble with the "why"?? It was very hard to deal with in the younger years trying to support her at games, awards ceremonies, etc...and put on the happy face.

Ugh. I have felt the same way with DD14 sometimes!

Also - I have had issues with my own mother and had to put some distance between us for various reasons in the past. I remember her saying to me once "I know you are angry with me and I have already apologized. There is nothing more I can do until you decide that you would like a relationship again. I hope that you will, and I will ALWAYS be here waiting for you when you want to."

I was so mad at her for saying that, for a long time (she made a lot of choices in her life that didn't include being involved with her children, let's just leave it at that) and thought it was strange that she was willing to wait ME out and still be there for me when/if I ever decided I wanted her in my life again. My first reaction was how dare she put that back on me - she was the one cutting us out of her life in the first place! Eventually, through a lot soul-searching and acceptance, I came back to her and she was there. We slowly built our trust back up, with a newfound expectation that she was not going to let me hammer away at her with guilt and shame and I readjusted my expectations of what I thought a mother should be and what I expect out of relationship with her. During this, I never forgot her comment.

It wasn't until my own kids were teens (especially DD, who continually tries to be edgy and rude) that I realized that my mother did the only thing she could do - wait me out and hope for the best. As much as I tried to get her to be the kind of mother *I* wanted her to be, she never really did and it was up to me to accept this and keep her in my life, or not. As much as DD14 tries to push me away, I find my self telling her the same thing - I will always be here for you, but you will not treat me badly just because I am here.

It's kind of the same thing for you. YOU decide how you will be treated by your DD, and set the ground rules for your relationship. Assure her that you understand that she is angry now, but you hope she will decide to keep communication with you open and you will always be there ready when she does, but you WILL NOT tolerate being her punching bag. She will either accept and change her behavior, or she won't, but at the very least you will have made it clear that you will not be treated badly.

 

[PeeWee70]

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[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Is the issue moreso that she's been successful most of her life and has taken an attitude because of that?

 

[Klayfish]

Sorry to hear that. My oldest is only 15, so they're still at home. I've told them all (and still tell them) that I love them very much and want to have a great relationship with them. At the same time, I'm their parent, not their best friend. If I say things that upset them or they don't like and they're angry at me for it, oh well. If they are disrespectful and ugly, it's simply not tolerated, nor does it hurt my feelings. At all. They're more than welcome to voice frustration, anger, concern, etc...but respectfully.

Guess I won't know how I'll react when their adults until they are and they're on their own, but as of now I very much feel that if they're "ugly" to me then I still simply won't tolerate it. I will always love them with all my heart, but I'm their father and they will be respectful to me just like they would anyone else (if not more). If they aren't, that's their choice, and it's my choice not to listen to it.

 

[PeeWee70]

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[PeeWee70]

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[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I think it's time for some Darth Vader tough love.

No wait a minute. The mind trick will do.

 

[barkley]

i don't believe in accepting/excusing bad behavior from someone just b/c they are related to you by blood or marriage. if i wouldn't accept a behavior from a stranger then there's no 'golden ticket' that being related to me provides to allow family to do so.

i've got an adult kid on the autism spectrum. in his case he will say things that can be hurtful-but it's never intentional and when he realizes he's hurt someone he's very remorseful and does his best to correct the situation and remember the circumstances so it's not repeated. in his case we believe that his condition 'explains' but does not excuse so he is accountable for himself. in the case of an adult w/no neuro/psych/socio problems that contribute to an inability to filter negative comments-i wouldn't put up with it. i would call them on it and if necessary distance myself if the behaviors continued.

i'm saying this as someone who has dealt w/their own filtering issues (my strokes did the whole 'sophia' on 'the golden girls' thing w/my brain and turned the filter off so i had to learn to manually turn it back on-things like hormone fluctuations and such that make people stressed or apt to be rude i don't feel are reasonable excuses b/c they are choosing to lash out/hurt others-just b/c a person is feeling bad/off doesn't mean they can put that negativity on others). i also had a sibling who had no med issue for being nasty and taking what seemed pleasure in hurting others with his words-my life got allot less stressful when we stopped speaking. a side benefit was i was no longer modeling to my children that you should allow your family to treat you like s---.

my mom let that same sibling treat her terribly so i'll share with you-unless you are going to do something to change the situation DO NOT VENT TO YOUR OTHER KIDS. i heard my mom complain for years until i told her that if she wasn't going to change i didn't want to hear about it. maintain the positive relationships with the other kids but leave the door open for the negative one. time can change people.

 

[kdweber]

Someone once told me when dealing with kids - "It is not you it is them, regardless of who the parent was they were going to act the same way." So do not let it bother you and know that there is nothing you can do in order to change them. Each kid is different - I have one daughter that scored perfect on her ACT Math - the other daughter has trouble adding 1+1 (a bit over dramatic I know) - same parents, house, etc, etc - there are many parts of our kids personality that we have NO control over and that they were essentially born that way and there is nothing you can do about it. Be grateful that she is successful, support herself, and is self-sufficient - That is the true sign of the parenting you and your husband did.....

Now what to do: If my daughter was treating my wife that way - I would call her on it and if it did not change, I would cut cut off any proactive communication with her (it will be hard) and move on. She will come back (may be a few years down the road) maybe never - but at least we will not have to deal with it. I would also consider changing my will - No DVC club points for her that would set her straight.

 

[Frantasmic]

You all have tolerated it too long. That behavior is learned. She knows all of you excuse it as her personality trait, instead of something she can control. If the world is her oyster, she looks down on most people as unequal to her. None of you (including the other daughter if she is treated the same way) should accept the bad behavior any longer. It is not how she is, it is how she is allowed to be. Dad can put a stop to it: she simply isn't allowed to treat anyone in the family rudely anymore. Everyone should take the advice given: I will not be treated in this manner. Goodbye. Or end text. Or, call me when you've gotten over your tantrum. She is a spoiled brat. Treat her like one.

 

[sharbear]

Is she having problems with anxiety? What you’ve described may be a symptom.

 

[PeeWee70]

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[PeeWee70]

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