Thank you for your advice. She is 26 and lives in another state. I finally did call her out on her behavior and let's just say that did not go well at all. My reason for starting this thread. This was the worst episode since becoming an adult and I feel I may finally have to distance myself. All these years... I was having trouble with the "why"?? It was very hard to deal with in the younger years trying to support her at games, awards ceremonies, etc...and put on the happy face.
Ugh. I have felt the same way with DD14 sometimes!
Also - I have had issues with my own mother and had to put some distance between us for various reasons in the past. I remember her saying to me once "I know you are angry with me and I have already apologized. There is nothing more I can do until you decide that you would like a relationship again. I hope that you will, and I will ALWAYS be here waiting for you when you want to."
I was so mad at her for saying that, for a long time (she made a lot of choices in her life that didn't include being involved with her children, let's just leave it at that) and thought it was strange that she was willing to wait ME out and still be there for me when/if I ever decided I wanted her in my life again. My first reaction was how dare she put that back on me - she was the one cutting us out of her life in the first place! Eventually, through a lot soul-searching and acceptance, I came back to her and she was there. We slowly built our trust back up, with a newfound expectation that she was not going to let me hammer away at her with guilt and shame and I readjusted my expectations of what I thought a mother should be and what I expect out of relationship with her. During this, I never forgot her comment.
It wasn't until my own kids were teens (especially DD, who continually tries to be edgy and rude) that I realized that my mother did the only thing she could do - wait me out and hope for the best. As much as I tried to get her to be the kind of mother *I* wanted her to be, she never really did and it was up to me to accept this and keep her in my life, or not. As much as DD14 tries to push me away, I find my self telling her the same thing - I will always be here for you, but you will not treat me badly just because I am here.
It's kind of the same thing for you. YOU decide how you will be treated by your DD, and set the ground rules for your relationship. Assure her that you understand that she is angry now, but you hope she will decide to keep communication with you open and you will always be there ready when she does, but you WILL NOT tolerate being her punching bag. She will either accept and change her behavior, or she won't, but at the very least you will have made it clear that you will not be treated badly.