FWIW, my ILs hardly every come here at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Hardly ever have.
STORY TIME! 
They all live in southern CA. We (me, DH, ODD, YDD) live in Arizona. Used to live in the Tucson area, now we're in the Phoenix metro area. When we lived in Tucson, drive time to the closest relative in the San Diego area was 6-6.5 hours, depending on traffic, how many time we had to stop for bathroom breaks, and whether DH wanted to stop to eat at Dave's BBQ in Yuma (which was often). Now based on where we live, it's about a 5.5 hr drive.
We've lived in AZ for a really really long time. My BIL & SIL have come out here at the holidays about 4 times in almost 20 years. AIL & UIL have come to visit about 4 times as well. FIL died just before ODD was born 15 1/2 years ago, so he's not a factor. When ODD was a year old, MIL moved to AZ.
BIL is a homebody. He hates going places. Even before they started having kids, he never wanted to go anywhere at the holidays. That's fine. It doesn't bother us. They do their thing and we do ours.
When all of our kids were little (Nephew was an infant at the time), ONE year, we did one big Xmas celebration at UIL & AIL's house (they live a 45 min drive from BIL & SIL). My kids were big into Santa at the time...YDD was 3, ODD was 5. That Christmas was fun, but a lot of work and a lot of hassle and stress. Just getting all of those Santa gifts to UIL & AIL's house was a chore all on its own. I'm glad we did it, but we did not make it a repeat thing after that.
BIL & SIL have never spent Christmas w/us here in AZ. They, like us, prefer for Christmas morning to be calm, relaxing with their kids with everybody lounging around all day in their pajamas, playing with new toys, etc. No stress of "hurry up! We have to get to Grandma's before 10 am, and then we have to drive to so-and-so's house to make an appearance this evening!" In the past, UIL & AIL would drive over to BIL & SIL's late in the afternoon on Christmas Day and they'd have Xmas dinner together. We rarely see them at Christmas. That's ok.
When we moved into our current house 3 years ago, they all came here for Thanksgiving. That was fun, but also a hassle for them and I know that they all don't like the drive. However, periodically, they will all comment to 1 of us about they'd like to see us, and 'when are you coming out here next?" That sort of thing. Are they frustrated that they don't see us every holiday? Perhaps, but you know what? They're not exactly making any effort themselves. It's a 2-way street, not a one-way street.
Doing things with everyone in my IL's extended family is always a big production. Nobody can ever decide when we'll get together, what we'll eat when we do get together, time of day, etc. Everybody for years looked to me to be the cruise director and organizer of the get togethers. I got tired of playing phone tag and Chief Drama Manager between them all and just stopped catering to the game playing. Childish nonsense like, "Well, WE are busy, too, and AIL & UIL NEVER drive down here to OUR house, so we are NOT going to them. If they want to see us, they need to make an effort." Ok fine, whatever, WE (me, DH, ODD, YDD, MIL) are driving 6 HOURS ONE WAY TO SEE ALL OF YOU, FOR PETE'S SAKE!
So I stopped playing the game. I stopped participating in the nonsense. We usually end up going to
Disneyland every 12-18 months. We've been to DL on 3 different occasions in the past 5 years when we didn't actually meet up with ANY of my ILs. You know why? DH & I just got tired of it being a constant circus.
For a few years in a row, we'd end up taking 10 days off in order to do 3 days at DL, followed by driving all over San Diego county spending time with AIL & UIL and then driving to BIL & SIL's and spending a couple of days with them. None of the rest of them were actually willing to go out of their way to meet up anywhere at one common central location. We, the ones who literally drove hundreds of miles to get there, were the ones expected to cater to them.
Well, forget that. We basically ended up spending almost all of our vacation time running around to the relatives. DH got fed up. I got tired of it. So we stopped.
Now when we go to DL, we'll usually spend a night or 2 w/good friends who are a 60 min drive from Anaheim...those same friends also often meet up w/us at DL for 1 of our DL says (when we're at DL, we usually stay in a hotel right across the street). We always tell the ILs that we're going to be in Orange County and ask if they'd like to meet up somewhere halfway between Anaheim and San Diego. They never take us up on their offer. On 2 separate occasions, SIL was supposed to meet up w/us closer to our friends' house, but she flaked. I cannot tell you how disappointed my children were at the time that they would NOT, in fact, get to see their cousins that day because Aunt So-and-So flaked and totally forgot.
So...forget it! We're done. The Christmas after I had cancer surgery, I told DH that all I wanted for Xmas that year was a stress-free Christmas and I did NOT want to run around all over San Diego county catering to the ILs. We did not see the ILs at all that Christmas. We spent Christmas w/our friends an hour from DL. The ILs found out about it afterwards and were all ticked at me over it. I don't care that they were mad. I was the one who'd had a double mastectomy that year, not them. And I've gotta say...there's something about staring death straight in the face to make you think about some things in your life and I decided that playing the role of Cruise Director for all of them again was not going to be on my agenda anymore.
This year, BIL & SIL's marriage is on the rocks and there's been talk of them possibly divorcing, possibly not. SIL talked about maybe coming out here at Christmas, but she's dropped that topic, which means that she won't be coming. MIL, meanwhile, can't stand BIL and hasn't liked him for years. She finally announced, "You know, I think that BIL knows that I don't like him very much." LOL, no kidding. It's been 5 years since BIL saw MIL in person. If I were him, I'd be avoiding her, too. Honestly, the next time BIL comes to AZ will probably be for MIL's funeral. Even though MIL doesn't like BIL, she still expects him to come periodically and pay homage to her. MIL is a difficult, passive-aggressive, and demanding person. For example, she expects that when she is a guest in someone else's home, that person or couple will give up their master bed for her. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
SIL makes an annual trek out here w/Niece & Nephew in the summertime for MIL's birthday. Usually just for a weekend. We see her, Niece, & Nephew for ONE day. MIL wants everyone to sit around in her family room for 8+ hours (kids included) and talk about the same topics that she's been talking about for over 20 years. The kids get totally bored and leave the room to go play video games. Outdoor activities like biking, hiking, going for a walk, etc. never happen because MIL can't do any of those things and we mustn't upset MIL, so it's an entire day of basically sitting around. Usually there's an entire hour spent discussing what we will be eating for lunch and dinner. DH & I always end up convincing everyone to go see a movie in order to give the kids SOMETHING not boring to do. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's how it's been every year now for 5 years.
But you know what? I'd take that any time over driving my ILs 250 miles away, helping to prepare a holiday feast for dozens of people, have to do set up and all of the clean up afterwards with no help, and have to them drive my MIL & FIL 250 miles back home...and then do it all over again in a month for the next holiday.
On MY side of the family, my dad wants, expects, & demands that we periodically go stay with him for a week w/him and 2nd Wife in his home on the east coast. There's nothing to do where they live. My mother died 12 years ago from pancreatic cancer. He started dating 1 of my mother's best friends 3 months after my mom died. He also got rid of all family mementos from his life with my mom (they were married for 39 years). Basically erased us out of his life. When he was dating his now wife, she was still married and tried to add her to his health plan at work as a domestic partner.
2nd Wife is NOT a nice person.
I got scolded, lectured to, yelled at, and received some of the most scathing emails from my Father Unit (FU) re: his requirement that we do regular visits to him to pay homage because:
- he "had to" do the same with HIS parents and my mom's parents when my sister & I were kids
- now that he is retired, he is "ENTITLED" to have us come to him
- "this is just how things are done"
He's been furious with me for years because I am not willing to play the game. He has millions of $$ at his disposal, no longer works (so has plenty of time off), plenty of money for plane tickets to come any time he wants to see his only grandchildren (my sister doesn't have kids).
You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be right. In my dad's case, he has decided that he wants to be right. So we never see him. The last time he came here to see us was when ODD was 7 & YDD was 5. They are now 15 and 13. During that last visit, he told my sister & I that he supposedly was an abused spouse because while my mom was going through daily radiation therapy and weekly chemo for 6 months for pancreatic cancer, she didn't want to have marital relations with him.
So we don't spend the holidays with him. He makes no effort to have a relationship with my kids. Why? Because of many reasons, one of which is my refusal to always be the one to go to visit him.
So my advice to you is to stop playing the game. Just stop it. Live YOUR life how YOU want to live it. Stop being so afraid of people being frustrated or mad at you. They'll get over it, or they won't. But if you're going to continue to do the dumb 'drive 250 miles away & cater a full holiday feast twice in a month" for all of your ILs who don't appreciate it or even help out, then you need to just accept that it won't ever change and, then, you need to also stop complaining about it.
Poop or get off the pot. Do or do not. But what you shouldn't do is continue to "go along to get along" and also continue to complain about it. Either continue as is and accept it or do something to change it. Your life is not in their hands. YOU are in the driver's seat, not them.
tell the inlaws to go ahead, but you're not going to be able to travel. (I guess you will need to be together on that if they are the spouse's parents and there's going to be backlash and stinkeye)
