Dealing with Aging Parents (Vent of Sorts) Anybody Else?

[kymom99]

I have a cousin who is an only child. He is a doctor and practices about 90 minutes from where we grew up. His parents have passed but before they did, he talked to them about moving by him. He said he couldn’t be there quickly to help them if they needed him. They agreed and he found them a senior community with independent living cottages. It was a hard adjustment at first but eventually they loved being closer to him and their grand children. We drove down to visit them often. OP, I truly hope your dad can see that he needs to cooperate.

As far as his obsessions, I think what he is going through is very common. Perhaps you can squeak a little more to get him mental health support. You know, the squeaky wheel….

My dad when he was older was told his blood glucose was getting to be borderline. He got a monitor and constantly checked his levels. He also modified his diet which was a good thing. After a stroke when he was in his 60s he was put in cumaden. When he would get his blood tested someone would call and say your levels are good. He would say” I don’t want to hear they are good! I want to know the numbers!” I think they feel out of control. It’s sad and I feel for your dad. I hope he can get help.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Thank you to everybody who responded!

Not that misery loves company by any stretch of the imagination, I guess it is part of life. When I lost my mother, things just happened so fast (cancer). I know that he has never, and will never recover from that. Losing my mother is hard enough, but seeing how it effects my father makes it even harder I suppose.

 

[barkley]

i sympathize with all as dh and i dealt with this with both our late moms. that said-anyone considering trying to get a family member with health issues to move closer would be well placed to look WELL IN ADVANCE to the types of doctors/specialists they utilize and educate yourself on what the availability of becoming a patient in the intended move to site region is like. i say this as someone who lives in an area with extensive medical providers YET there are still wait lists of upwards of 2 years to get a primary care physician, dh's sleep apnea doctor books out appointments 18 months to 2 years in advance, neurology/heart specialists? unless it's a direct referral from an e/r or hospitalization follow up it could be 6-8 months to get a new patient non emergent appointment. these estimates are all based on pre-covid staffing so now waits are much longer. look into it-see if you can get your family member on the wait list now b/c if it takes 6 months or a year or more to accomplish a move you will be ahead of the game.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

On a more shallow note... I something were to happen to him, I seriously do not know what I would do from a standpoint of what to do with the property. He has lived in that house for 40 years and there is so much stuff there, and there is so much property to try to figure out what to do with. I pretty much break out in a sweat just thinking about what I would do. It is more important to have him, but the thought of dealing with the estate freaks me out.

 

[Dcgc28]

I’m sorry to hear that OP I’m sure someone else has said it but I want to echo it. You’re doing a great job! Make every decision the best way you can and never forget you’re doing your best. I know it may not help a lot, but I hope it helps a little.

 

[TwoMisfits]

On a more shallow note... I something were to happen to him, I seriously do not know what I would do from a standpoint of what to do with the property. He has lived in that house for 40 years and there is so much stuff there, and there is so much property to try to figure out what to do with. I pretty much break out in a sweat just thinking about what I would do. It is more important to have him, but the thought of dealing with the estate freaks me out.

My suggestion - don't plan to do it yourself.

We went through my mom's place in 48 hours with all of us (my siblings/aka the only heirs which included the 2 executors)...then had the one local sibling go back over a few weekends to double check that we didn't leave anything important or really valuable. And then we let charities and finally a "we trash your stuff" type service just empty the place, and then we paid a cleaning service to clean it and a realtor to sell it. We had a "we won't deal with this anymore" date for us, and stuck by it, and that was so valuable for us...in many ways, b/c a house tends to be the thing that holds up probate (although for us, we found out that b/c we dealt with the house so well that it was the timeshare, but even then, that was eventually overcome)...

 

[kymom99]

On a more shallow note... I something were to happen to him, I seriously do not know what I would do from a standpoint of what to do with the property. He has lived in that house for 40 years and there is so much stuff there, and there is so much property to try to figure out what to do with. I pretty much break out in a sweat just thinking about what I would do. It is more important to have him, but the thought of dealing with the estate freaks me out.

Get a company to do an estate sale. I’ve not done it but a close friend did and she was so happy she did. She has a brother who was no help so it was truly a godsend.

 

[disykat]

I'm going to be brutally honest here.

I am NOT an only child, but was the only child out of three that understood how much help my parents needed. I feel your pain. If your dad is able to understand, PLEASE go really hard with him and be brutally honest with him about your need to have him closer and in leveled care. Push hard and make yourself clear that you can not provide regular help unless they live near you. Do it now because it will only get harder. My parents, who had always claimed they would move near one of us into leveled care living to make it as easy as possible for us, doubled down and refused when the time came. For them, they should have moved when my dad's dementia journey started around age 75. They would have been able to get settled in a new community, make some friends, find doctors, etc. However, the illness just made them dig their heels in hard, deny any problem and refuse to move. My siblings were also DEEP in denial and thought I should stop pushing and that they were fine. As a parent and a teacher of small kids, I knew what dependency looks like and I could clearly see they were struggling and felt obligated to help them. (For some reason, my siblings simply couldn't see it and literally ignored the fact that they were struggling. I remember my sister once commenting that mom didn't have much food in the house when she visited and being shocked when I asked her if she had helped her make a list and go shopping. It hadn't even occurred to her.) I started a constant cycle of traveling, trying to keep everything in order for them.

They wanted to stay in their home, but I'd get phone calls from the home help I arranged that mom had fired them. I finally got them into leveled care (in their hometown since they refused to move near me and my siblings agreed with them) when they were in their mid 80's and dad was already pretty far into dementia. We were always behind in their care. They moved into residential when they should have already been in assisted and then into assisted when dad should have already been in memory care, etc. Dad eventually went into memory care, followed by mom during covid. Meanwhile, I had to go part time and then retire altogether because I was driving 450 miles each way multiple times a month to deal with their bills, medical appointments, etc.

The five years before my dad passed at age 90 and I finally got my mom moved up here by me were hell. (I also had inlaws I was helping with.) I can not tell you how much better my life is now with mom close. My mom is in an appropriate level of leveled care (she needs memory care) and I can stop in and see daily since she is less than 5 minutes away. I can stop to see her on my way home from an errand, etc. and bring her to my house easily. Taking her to the doctor is a quick trip downtown. Right now her place is in another covid lockdown and I can see her outside her first floor window. (So much better than driving 450 miles each way to look through a window!) I am working hard to get our own things in order to make things easier for my own kids. (My younger son jokes that I should get "I will move near my kids" tattooed on my forearm so he can prove it if we get stubborn.) Meanwhile my siblings, who are older than me and have NO kids, are all ignoring their own future and I'm coaching my kids that it is NOT their problem, while at the same time sadly knowing it probably will be. My husband and I have agreed that by the time I'm 75 (I'm the older one in our relationship) we'll be READY to downsize and evaluating our situation regularly so we can make plans to move near one of our kids as needed. We will hope for good health much longer, but want to plan ahead. (Some good friends of ours are doing this now, downsizing is enabling them to do more traveling in their RV for now and then they'll be ready to move when/if needed.)I have to add a comment about wanting to stay in their community. As much as they wanted to stay where they were, my parents hadn't been out in their community without me or my sister there to facilitate it in several years. They weren't capable of getting out anymore and weren't even able to navigate a computer anymore to keep in touch. Their friends were also elderly and dealing with their own health issues. Phone calls were really their only contact and that can be done from near me.

I know it must be really hard to be alone in this, but from my perspective you have the advantage of not having to fight against your siblings too. I'm fortunate that I love my siblings, but personality wise it had to be me that did the decision making and most of the work. If you can talk your dad into it, you can move him by you and hopefully avoid what I went through. No one WANTS to leave their home or their community, but once they aren't getting out much the leveled care places really are the way to go if your parent can afford it. Residential you have your own apartment or cottage and can choose whether to cook for yourself or go to the dining room (it's just an apartment with an emergency call button,) Assisted has more help like medication distribution, etc., and Memory care is pretty much full care but with as much independence as possible. There weren't any in my home town or in our town, but some places also have a Nursing Care level if full medical care is needed. Once they've done the initial moves, the other moves get much easier.

I know this all sounds harsh, but people aren't always healthy until they die. It only worked that way for 1 out 4 of my parents/inlaws. The other 3 needed lots of help for many years and they needed it hundreds of miles away. It's easy to say you want to help your parents until you have to basically give up your life to do so. If you can get him close to you it will make all the difference in the world.

 

[Christine]

On a more shallow note... I something were to happen to him, I seriously do not know what I would do from a standpoint of what to do with the property. He has lived in that house for 40 years and there is so much stuff there, and there is so much property to try to figure out what to do with. I pretty much break out in a sweat just thinking about what I would do. It is more important to have him, but the thought of dealing with the estate freaks me out.

We had that happen with my FIL. He was pretty close to being a hoarder. We had to get a roll-off truck and it took about 3 weeks to get out from under it. We did have one guy come who kind of collects "stuff." He paid us a lump some of a few thousand dollars and he was allowed to come in and just have anything he wanted (this was after we got the "good stuff" out.). That was pretty helpful because he was responsible getting the stuff out within a week. It is all very overwhelming.

 

[mumto3girls]

On a more shallow note... I something were to happen to him, I seriously do not know what I would do from a standpoint of what to do with the property. He has lived in that house for 40 years and there is so much stuff there, and there is so much property to try to figure out what to do with. I pretty much break out in a sweat just thinking about what I would do. It is more important to have him, but the thought of dealing with the estate freaks me out.

This can definitely be daunting, but don’t let it worry you too much. My BIL is a real estate agent and he has become friends with a woman who runs an estate sale auction business. Her people come in after you have taken what you want, take pictures of all the items you are getting rid of and have a set day or time that estate is auctioned off online. She did do in person sales before Covid, but says this actually works better/reaches more people. Buyers have a set time to come clear out their purchases and the rest gets donated. I’ve seen listings for everything from expensive jewelry/furniture/artwork to packs of toilet paper and half used cleaning products. I’m sure people that have those services exist in your area too.

We used her services after my MIL passed and it was fairly easy.

 

[goofyernmost]

My suggestion is, before you folks get all judgmental about aging parents, wait until you get their age before deciding they are a pain in the butt. I guarantee you that you will feel different especially if illness settles on them quickly after a lifetime of being somewhat healthy. Then once that realization sets in try to remember the colossal pains in the butt that you were the first 18 or so years of your life.

At the age of 80 something, everyone is walking along the edge of a cliff waiting for that random burst of wind to push them over the edge. Imagine that part and it might just help make you a little more understanding and empathic instead of annoyed.

 

[OhioWDWDuo]

It is all just part of life. As an only child, where neither of my aunts had children, and two of my great aunts. also, I was caregiver to two of my grandparents, my mon's elder sister, two great aunts and my mother. You will get through it, you will survive. But, you need to take a day or two every week for YOU, if you're not at your best, you can't do the best for your loved ones. The rest of my family has all passed away, and I treasured every moment that I had them, even though it was occasionally emotional and frustrating. All you can do is the BEST that you can do. No regrets, no second thoughts.

Just think how awful you'd feel in the future if you didn't make the effort to care for your loved ones, like so many young people these days. My 88 year old neighbor, who is in poor health, is an example. Her kids took off for the coast on Mothers day, and didn't even come by to see her. She has been dependent on neighbors for years. We finally got together and told her kids they need to step up. They've done a little more, like ordering her groceries for her, but they still rarely see her, and they live 3 to 7 miles away! One of the neighbors mows all of our lawns for us, of course we pay him. Well, her kids said he charged too much and they would cut it. Her grass if over a foot tall right now. They promised to do things and take her places, and they haven't. they're just too busy. This is of 2 adult children and 4 adult grandchildren that live nearby. All of whom are younger than any of us neighbors.

Be the best daughter you can be, my mom lived to be 87, and it still feels like she passed too soon.

My suggestion is, before you folks get all judgmental about aging parents, wait until you get their age befre deciding they are a pain in the butt. I guarantee you that you will feel different especially if illness settles on them quickly after a lifetime of being somewhat healthy. Then once that realization sets in try to remember the colossal pains in the butt that you were the first 18 or so years of your life.

At the age of 80 something, everyone is walking along the edge of a cliff waiting for that random burst of wind to push them over the edge. Imagine that part and it might just help make you a little more understanding and empathic instead of annoyed.

I am sympathetic for everyone dealing with this, and I know I’ll be in the same boat eventually. To these posts in particular, I want to say that I literally watched the downfall of my own mother due to her caring for my grandmother. My mom is a Saint and completely sacrificed herself and her own health and well-being to caregive for my grandmother (who was not appreciative of the sacrifices at all- it was EXPECTED in her mind). My father, other siblings, and I tried to talk to mom but nothing was getting through. We hated to see mom’s life expectancy and quality of life suffer to put all energies into someone whose life was basically over. Just a different viewpoint- the caregiver’s well-being is just as important than the elderly parent and maybe even more so because the caregiver still may have others relying on them (spouse, children, grandchildren, full-time job, etc.). The sandwich generation, right? After this experience, it taught us to start preparing and communicating expectations early. My mom has said over and over that she doesn’t want to put my siblings and I through the hell that her mother put her through. We’ll see but it was definitely a huge learning process for everyone. OP, so sorry that you’re going through this…no advice other than make sure that you are still prioritizing yourself through all of this.

 

[disykat]

My suggestion is, before you folks get all judgmental about aging parents, wait until you get their age before deciding they are a pain in the butt. I guarantee you that you will feel different especially if illness settles on them quickly after a lifetime of being somewhat healthy. Then once that realization sets in try to remember the colossal pains in the butt that you were the first 18 or so years of your life.

At the age of 80 something, everyone is walking along the edge of a cliff waiting for that random burst of wind to push them over the edge. Imagine that part and it might just help make you a little more understanding and empathic instead of annoyed.

I'm guessing this is aimed at me since I'm the one who talked brutally honestly about how hard this is. I've watched people do it right and I've watched people do it what I consider wrong. Yes, I'm resentful that my parents were unprepared despite all their best intentions earlier in their lives - but I'm fully aware that dad's disease is the reason for this - not them. I still love my parents. It is NOT judgmental to be very real about the difficulties of taking care elderly parents who live far away and are no longer able to be independent. It's real. Now that my mom is near me, I actually have my life back. I know that depending on circumstances, it might be a pain in the butt for my own kids to take care of me too. I know that from having lived through 4 worst case scenarios and am trying to prepare to make it easier on them.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I am sympathetic for everyone dealing with this, and I know I’ll be in the same boat eventually. To these posts in particular, I want to say that I literally watched the downfall of my own mother due to her caring for my grandmother. My mom is a Saint and completely sacrificed herself and her own health and well-being to caregive for my grandmother (who was not appreciative of the sacrifices at all- it was EXPECTED in her mind). My father, other siblings, and I tried to talk to mom but nothing was getting through. We hated to see mom’s life expectancy and quality of life suffer to put all energies into someone whose life was basically over. Just a different viewpoint- the caregiver’s well-being is just as important than the elderly parent and maybe even more so because the caregiver still may have others relying on them (spouse, children, grandchildren, full-time job, etc.). The sandwich generation, right? After this experience, it taught us to start preparing and communicating expectations early. My mom has said over and over that she doesn’t want to put my siblings and I through the hell that her mother put her through. We’ll see but it was definitely a huge learning process for everyone. OP, so sorry that you’re going through this…no advice other than make sure that you are still prioritizing yourself through all of this.

I agree with this. I watched my mom and her siblings have a lot of stress dealing with my grandmother when she transitioned from her house, moved to an assisted living place and then moved around to a more fully assisted level of the same building. In my their case they were also the primary caretakers to my aunt who is autistic. She's the eldest (just turned 70 this year) and she lives on her own but she needs constant care in terms of medication, doctor's appointments, taking her to classes (think more like a summer camp style class) for those with cognitive disabilities (like one of the classes was a lego building one), etc.

They were not ungrateful children but my grandmother was also a cantankerous bitter woman at times (she wasn't like that with us grandkids though) who was also an alcoholic. There's a difference in discussing how it can be with elderly people with a sense of compassion (and I felt like us posters were doing that) with an understanding of how entrenched you may become in habits in your older portion of your life and then having people come back on with advice of pure martyrdom and guilt tripping. In reality I think everyone realizes it's not a place any of us want to actually be in but it can be a difficult one full of steps that aren't easy for anyone involved.

And like you my mom has expressed a lot of strong opinions about how she wants care to be after going through it with her mom. For one she's slowly going through things and asking me here what stuff I may want later on and what stuff I want now and what stuff I don't care about. She's discussed with a frankness regarding selling the house eventually and relocating to a condo or apartment or townhouse and despite living in her house since the mid-90s she's not as emotionally attached to it. I actually was more for quite a while though it's not as important to me now as I have had my own home to get attached to. I hope there are many more years left before my mom gets to a certain stage but in a practical sense talking about it now and understanding IRL how it sometimes stresses a wide amount of people I can see where most are coming from with their more straight forward comments.

 

[Silver saucer]

Im so sorry OP. This is such a hard thing to deal with even when you think you have everything set up and all contingencies covered.
I ended up leaving a country I loved and intended to live my life out in, to move back *home* to take care of my mom as she aged, continued to fail and finally passed away. Moving her wasn't an option and I really did want to be there for her. I don't regret my decision for her sake but how it played out certainly looked different than how I anticipated.
Best of luck to you.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My mom went through something similar with my grandma who lived 2 1/2 hours away. Luckily though, my uncle lived in Grandma's town and would visit her twice a day, before and after work so she wasn't totally alone. For at least 20 years, my mom went down there every two weeks. She worked part time and would always have a few days off in a row. There were certain things my uncle just couldn't do. My mom would make sure her house was clean and in good repair, stock her up on food, cook and freeze meals for her, etc. She would also take her to the doctor and sit in the exam room with her to translate (she spoke Armenian). My uncle couldn't be in there while Grandma was being examined and discuss her personal medical issues (her culture and her modesty didn't allow it). My mom was also a nurse, so she knew which questions to ask. My uncle was a great guy, but I have to say he just didn't have the smarts to manage and advocate for another person's medical care.

It was difficult for my mom, but she was very devoted to Grandma. If Grandma was recovering from something or otherwise too weak to stay by herself, my mom would bring her to our house. My dad was very understanding and would cook for her and make sure she was comfortable while my mom was at work. My mom and uncle eventually decided Grandma could no longer live alone. They had a very close family friend in town who was trained as a nursing assistant. She and her husband took Grandma into their house and took care of her for a couple of months. She developed pneumonia, was hospitalized and passed away at the age of 99 (this happened in 1999).

I'm sorry for the difficulty you're going through. Taking care of our aging parents is one of the toughest things we have to do. We went through a lot with my dad, but I've never lived more than a few miles from my parents so that made it easier. I could be at their house or the hospital within a few minutes if they needed me.

Good luck in your journey. Hopefully you have close friends or family to lean on.

 

[VandVsmama]

My suggestion is, before you folks get all judgmental about aging parents, wait until you get their age before deciding they are a pain in the butt. I guarantee you that you will feel different especially if illness settles on them quickly after a lifetime of being somewhat healthy. Then once that realization sets in try to remember the colossal pains in the butt that you were the first 18 or so years of your life.

At the age of 80 something, everyone is walking along the edge of a cliff waiting for that random burst of wind to push them over the edge. Imagine that part and it might just help make you a little more understanding and empathic instead of annoyed.

It's definitely difficult for everyone involved.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Geez, I have so many thoughts when reading this thread.

I suppose I am venting more than anything, or just wondering if other people are going through the same. This NOT a Covid thread, but it definitely is part of the "story". My father is about 80 and is suffering from classic "long Covid". Until he had Covid, he was in great shape for the most part and as strong as most men 30 years younger if I had to guess.

As of now, 2022 he has been in the hospital once and another trip to the ER for suspected heart attacks. They have literally done every test under the sun and they just cannot find anything wrong with his heart. Part of the problem is when he is at home he wears an oximeter (sometimes two) and constantly monitors his heart rate and oxygen saturation levels. You cannot even have a conversation with him because he will just sit and call out numbers. He freaks out when his heart rate fluctuates due to physical activity and will stop and sit down once it reaches a certain level and not move until it does so. (the doctor has told him to throw those oximeters away and just go about his daily routine but he will not listen). He also takes his blood pressure several times a day.... every now and then he gets a high reading, and a low reading and when he does he will freak out. I saw him freak out because his readings were "too good". He literally had a meltdown because when his readings are good, the machine must be broken... he takes it again and gets the same and that must mean he has something "seriously wrong" going on because his readings should NOT be that good compared to how he feels.

After his most recent hospital trip, he told me how the hospital lies about things and how they just do not care about anybody or anything... they just want to get you OUT. I have spoken with his doctor and she said his vitals, bloodwork and all of that are "surprisingly good" for a man his age. The doctor said they are short-handed when it comes to psychiatrists right now so she is using medications until that can be set up, and if he goes back to the ER for something she suggests he go to the psych ward. He is surprisingly cooperative when it comes to getting psychiatric help (this has only been a couple days in the making). Of course he doesn't like how his meds make him feel and has already tried to take less. He told the doctor and she came unglued on him, so he SAYS he will now do as he was instructed to do (we shall see if this sticks).

...and this is where my internal crisis begins. Welcome to the world of an only child. I live better than 2 hours away. I HAVE submitted FMLA, and both ends say they will approve it, we are just waiting at this point (yes I should have done this months ago, but just chose to assume things would get better). Once that gets approved, I will be in a better position to go help him with stuff. To add to the problems (this living so far away) is that he has good friends near him but no family to help. He has a big house that requires a lot of maintenance, a big yard/property that requires a lot of maintenance. I know he is not capable of taking care of all of that himself. He has recently found a housekeeper and somebody to mow the yard. I do not know how long that will last though.

The distance thing is a BIG problem. Maybe I am being selfish, I suppose I am. I have SUGGESTED, and my cousin has suggested that he get an apartment up here if only on a "trial basis" to see of that would work. If he moves up here close to his family and me, it would make it a lot easier on all of us (but I suppose not him). I really "get it" he has some amazing friends, and he would not want to be away from them. However, it is so hard for me to have to leave my family here so that he can continue to keep what he has going on. I can see his side, he wants to keep his lifestyle and friends and does not want to give that up for the convenience of his family. He has two brothers in my area, but they are too old and not up to traveling back and forth to help care for him because their health is worse than his and it is even further for them than me to travel. Having them help, is seriously not an option. Also, any kind of "home" or "assisted living" is COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION, he has made that perfectly clear.

I feel like I have aged 20 years since 2022 started. I can see how and fully understand the way my mom was stressed out dealing with her aging parents when and they lived 5 minutes away. I know this struggle should be focused on him, but I am the one dealing with all the feelings of guilt wanting him to give up his lifestyle so that I can keep mine. I guess the "right thing to do" would be for me to move in with him and take care of him, but I have a marriage/career/life here that I do not want to give up. I can see his side in that he does not want to give up his lifestyle so that I can maintain mine.

Anyway, I will stop whining for now and begin my daily routine, at least it is a 3 day weekend after today.

I guess I’ll start with this, and then share my own story. And a big to all the caregivers!

We have seen an awful lot of these types of cases (Long Covid) in the hospital since the pandemic started. Some are unbelievably heartbreaking. And it’s not only with the elderly. I sat with a man in his 40s recently who’d just been told he had an aneurism post Covid infection that couldn’t be repaired due to its location, and that it could burst at any time (which would be fatal), or could hold steady for another ten years; nobody could say for sure. He was crying, looking his mortality in the face, and wondering whether he’d be able to do his physical job anymore or travel, etc. It was challenging to find any words of comfort in that situation. (But hopefully I managed a few.) Other cases may not be quite as devastating, but sure can be life altering, nonetheless. So it doesn’t surprise me that your Dad has had some anxiety related to whatever symptoms he’s had, particularly if he’s been relatively healthy all his life.

We do see people in the hospital who get the way your father gets with monitors in the room and such. We shut them off inside the room, though we can still see them outside. I agree it’s not good for him to be looking at his vitals constantly if it increases his anxiety and alters his ability to cope. Everyones’ fluctuates throughout the day and you need to be able to look at the big picture, which he isn’t able to do at this time. It’s really hard to say do this, or do that, because we don’t really know your exact situation, and all personalities involved are always unique, but I think some of the posters here who said you need to put your foot down about it are on the right track. If people trust you to help make decisions for them, then they should trust you to help make decisions with them. Remember that Covid can and does affect the brain as well as other systems, and there can be neurological changes that result in an altered mental status, where personality can change and judgement can be off, etc. - compounding normal neurological changes that occur with age.

I guess this is a good time to post the picture I like to use to illustrate.
Here‘s the article that accompanies it. (A good read for anyone dealing with someone with an aging brain.)


I also wanted to say that being an only child seems tough, but in many families, including my own, one child takes on the lion’s share anyway, as @disykat illustrated above. It was that way in my family, as well. Even though I have siblings, I did everything. It’s nice when you have siblings who get along all pitch in, but not all families are like that. And that’s not to say they always don’t want to; many factors can come into play. But bottom line, it’s often just one child who takes it all on. As hard as it is, it can be easier than to have to deal with difficult siblings and differing opinions when dealing with all the other stuff involved with aging or unwell parents, as well as still working yourself and in many cases, also taking care of your own family, too. Classic sandwich generation stuff, as someone else said.

It's difficult when the child becomes the parent. That's the role reversal when parents age. Just as when your father was the parent and charged with making decisions, it's now on you. Take his thoughts and opinions into some consideration, but at the end of the day...it's all on you....what is easiest on you, what makes the most sense.

Again, I told my Mom she had every right to weigh in, help make decisions but ultimately WE had to do what we had to do. To keep jobs, and to have to best possible care and solution for our Mom. Look into resources in your fathers area for now....transportation, geriatric services (a community center, help with grocery shopping, etc). Also, in home help. Usually that would be in the form of a nursing assistant. See how that goes and then re-evaluate down the road to see if it's working or changes need to be made. One step at a time.

This.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Omg I almost posted this on one of the song threads by accident…

My mother was widowed fairly young, and lived about an hour and a half from me. She was still working, with no end in sight, and bad things were happening at her house and neighborhood that required that I drive down to evaluate or fix them, often after working overnight and having to be back the next night. Very stressful - and dangerous driving that way. We made the decision to build an in-law apt on to our house for her, and she lived out her remaining life with us, which was about 25 years. It took a lot - and roughly two years, while I was still in my 20s - to go through her house and possessions and do repairs, get it ready for sale, work with realtors, etc., but once it was done and she came up to live with us, life got easier (despite it taking an additional six months to build the structure, so she was living in the room next to ours while we were trying to start our family ). My DH is a saint (he‘d actually grown up with his grandmother living in his house, and was the one to suggest this plan in the first place) and we took the good along with the bad (mostly good, but it does inevitably affect home life). Again, though, it was a lot easier having her with than it was having her an hour and a half away. And she was still relatively young and healthy, but needy. (Before he died, my father had asked me to promise I’d take care of my mother if anything happened to him, which it did, and I kept my promise.)

She willingly stopped driving at 88, just as I was devising a plan to get her to stop anyway. Just handed me her keys one day. I’d told her I was worried she was going to mow down a family at the supermarket some day seeing as her car was regularly coming home with new dents and scratches (which she denied were her fault) after grocery shopping (really the only place she went, but she went often). Thankfully she had a good heart and didn’t want to hurt anybody. So that was good but added a new burden on me - taking her shopping or shopping for her, which really wasn’t too bad. I saved some of her lists that she made - you could see in her handwriting that neurological changes were taking place even though she did not have dementia and could still cook meals and clean, shower herself, do laundry, etc. She arranged rides to doctor’s appts through our senior center so she didn’t have to bother us. That was great until she slipped on ice getting out of a volunteer’s car one day and thereafter she preferred that one of us take her (thankfully the kids were old enough to drive and DD had a lot of fun outings with her where she’d take DD out to lunch afterward or, in a wheelchair, go to the mall and tell DD to go pick something out at Victoria‘s Secret, etc.).

All of it was very manageable until she hit early 90s and a lot of little things kept happening, though she was still fully independent and cooking, cleaning, etc. She had a bad fall one day at home and wound up getting a pacemaker at 93. Some abnormal bleeding necessitated a lot of testing and she was diagnosed with cancer but surgery took care of it. (All her choice.) Still doing well, then one day she fractured her hip just sitting down on the toilet. DD heard it crack. (Bones aren’t meant to live 90+ yrs!) Orthopedist told her if she didn’t have it repaired, she’d never walk again. Her reply: “Well I want to walk again!’. (They actually asked her, too, if she wanted to make it easy on me and go to a local hospital for surgery. Her reply: “That butcher shop? No, I want to go where she works, I like it there!” ) So off we went in an ambulance to the ER, and she had surgery the next day. Hip-wise, she did amazingly well. Doctors on follow up were amazed how well she was walking. Unfortunately she developed delerium from the anesthesia and pain medications, despite their using “elderly protocols”, and that continued well into rehab. All told, two months for hip fracture. Unfortunately during that time, we became concerned about some new lesions that had popped up in odd places. We’d had them checked out, but were told they were cysts. Well, they weren’t. So while still recovering from the hip repair, she was diagnosed with metastatic cancer after the lesions were finally biopsied. Ugh.

So the last 13 months were pretty excruciating. I managed all her care, with her input. She still had the capabilities of making decisions, and even our PCP remarked how good her mentation continued to be. She was really devastated when she found out her cancer had spread. Emotionally, it was hard for all of us. She wasn’t ready to go. She elected to do some palliative radiation in two areas. That involved a LOT of appointments to both Boston and more local centers. As well as a decline at home that required more and more help with physical care. (Thankfully we had the foresight to build the in-law to handicapped specifications.) I had to apply for an intermittent FMLA. Fortunately both my DD and I are nurses (DD was in nursing school at the time, her work with Mom helping her learn innumerable skills), and we also had DH and DS who helped. The decision to start hospice was tough. Not just for her, but for me. (I elected to do home hospice because that seemed easier for me, rather than traveling to a facility every day and potentially having to negotiate with people about her care. Rehab had been absolutely awful and she came home with two massive nosocomial infections, too.)

All that last summer we’d managed as a family team. At this point she required complete care. Come September, DS and DD had to go back to school (college), DH worked, and I found myself alone at home trying to get Mom washed up, dressed, moved to her chair in the living room, cooking meals, giving meds, doing treatments, watching to make sure she didn’t try to get up by herself, etc. It was a lot. And I was still working, too. One day she didn’t feel well, but I really wanted her to get up out of bed and into her chair (so to avoid the hazards of immobility). In helping her walk, she started to fall. Her head was headed for a glass top, so I pushed her out of the way, and she instead hit the wall, then went down. As she lay on the floor bleeding and moaning, I felt terrible, and had to decide whether to call the fire dept to help me get her up, or call DH. I called DH who left work, and DD happened to come home early, so we were able to roll her onto a sheet and pick her up and get her into her chair. That was the day I had to admit she needed a hospital bed. She’d slept in her beautiful bed since she was 22 yrs old so that was really hard for me. We got the hospital bed, and every week I think we added something else, including a lift so we could get her up onto the commode, a geri chair so we could roll her into other rooms, including for watching trick or treaters one night, as we always did together, and all kinds of other equipment. Another time I’d left for work when the family called me back, she was choking. We had to call 911 for suction equipment, and I was able to suction her throat, thereafter getting our own suction machine, etc. As an acute care nurse the hospice docs and I didn’t always see eye to eye, they tend to give morphine for everything, but I knew how to fix things without that, so we used it sparingly. She passed shortly before Covid hit. Which worked out timing wise, because I don’t know how DD and I would’ve done it coming home from taking care of pts in the Covid ICU and trying to take care of Mom, too, given the riskiness of transmission at that time. (We literally stripped coming in the door, threw our clothes in the wash and hopped in the shower right away - in Mom’s house.) So she made it a little easier on us that way.

I have no regrets at all. As she was dying she was seeing “beautiful” and “fantastic” things in front of her, and talking to someone I couldn’t see around my waist level, so she was at peace. I was glad we’d gotten to do that for her. She’d helped with our kids when they were little, and we did for her what we could, too, so we helped eachother out.

I just want to say, reading back what I wrote, it seems rather serene, doesn’t it? Well it wasn’t a lot of the time!! She could also be ornery and difficult at times, yelling at us or holding on to the wall when we were trying to get her into the shower stall, or giving her enemas. She had fresh names for all of us when she was mad. She told me to go f myself more than once, lol. She fell out of her chair numerous times trying to get up by herself when asked not to. DD probably had it the worst one day she had to watch that she didn’t fall and was studying in the next room for a test. We’d gotten a table to put in front of her so she couldn’t get up by herself and she literally screamed all day. Poor DD was frazzled. She called DH some choice names, too, if he tried to lighten the mood and she didn’t find it funny. DS was her golden child so insults to him were pretty rare, but he probably had to do the least for her, too. It warmed my heart to wake up from an afternoon nap myself and find DH had already fed her dinner and given her her meds for me sometimes. I was pretty beat then, and for a long time afterward, and couldn’t really take a lot of time to really grieve given that I was thrown right into caring for intubated, gravely ill Covid patients and life became an absolute living nightmare for a while. I miss Mom, but I miss the healthy Mom. I don’t miss having a hospital room off my living room or having to care for people 24/7/365. It’s crazy but I still haven’t completely cleaned out her house yet. It will come in time.

I don’t know if that story is helpful or what, but I just want to commiserate that, no matter how we help care for aging parents, it can be really difficult. I believe it is a job worth doing, though. My best advice is to just do the best you can, and understand that feelings that we all have in these situations are normal feelings. Try not to feel guilty about it. We’re all human. It helped me to remember all the things that others had done for me, and it’s my way of paying it forward. I do believe in love and kindness, and that they are important in life. Maybe especially when it’s really difficult. Try to have patience, the way they had it with us when we were little. Know that in their own way, they appreciate your efforts. A few days before my mother passed, when she was pretty out of it, she had a moment of clarity where she looked me right in the eye and said, “Thank You”. I knew what she meant. I had a really nice dream of her recently where I laid my head on her chest and told her I missed her. She said she missed me, too. It was peaceful, and none of the hard stuff was present. Just peace. Good luck to all who find themselves in this situation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yikes, sorry so long!