Dealing with Aging Parents (Vent of Sorts) Anybody Else?

[Snowysmom]

@Pea-n-Me What you wrote is beautiful and so true.

I have been a caretaker for my elderly Dad. He was very healthy well into his 80s, playing golf until he was 85, Unfortunately not taking care of some health issues caught up with him and I became the go to person for his health, financial health, and anything else that came up. I was also a mom working full time, 2 kids in college or looking at colleges, and a dog with cancer in the beginning. It was a full life for sure. My Dad lived 30 minutes from me so it wasn't too bad. But, one day he hemorrhaged and my brother called 911. Dad made it through and had to go to a nursing home as he could not walk any more. My life became more busy dealing with attorneys and financial advisors to get his affairs in order so he could stay at the nursing home. I did things such as preplanning his funeral, doing a power of attorney, health care proxy etc. I even had to deal with a staff member roughing up my Dad, as Dad put it. And this was a good nursing home with a good reputation. When he would go to the hospital for issues the nursing home could not deal with I was there. My brother was not good at dealing with these things so I did. As Pea said, one child usually becomes the main person and I was it. He passed in the hospital. I saw him the say before and he was eating lunch, I helped him with that, and when I said good bye I did not know it would be the last time. I got a call the next day to come to the hospital immediately as he was dying. By the time I got there he had passed. But, I know that is how he would have wanted it. Were these years tough? Yes, very. But I have no regrets. MY heart goes out to all who are dealing with this. It is hard and it does take up alot of time and emotional energy. But, at the end of the day, your caring, compassion, and empathy for your parent shines through.

Now, for the other side of the coin. My DH passed away suddenly last Fall at the age of 67. Devastating is the best way to put it. Now I am alone. I have 2 sons who are devastated too. They are now concerned about Mom and very protective. Older DS told me I was living with them for a while. I knew I could not stay in the house having found my DH passed there and I could not live there without him. Plus the house was too big for me and alot of maintenance. Older DS told me not to stay there, younger DS told me he would support whatever I decided to do. I always told DH if he passed first I would sell the house and buy a condo. That is easier said than done when faced with the actual decision. My DH was a pack rat and we spent months cleaning out the house. Lesson to everyone: do not keep junk and declutter so no one else has to. I put the house on the market with a heavy heart. Your parents may feel the same way about their house. It has memories for them and it is familiar. I had to start looking at condos which was daunting. I started out with one floor condos but those seemed like apartments. I started looking at town houses and I know the kids were not happy. In the end I found a one floor condo that my kids loved, a good friend who is fussy said she would buy it is she were in the market, and I was lukewarm about it. I decided to make an offer and got it. I did it because it was top floor, had security, no stairs in the condo, and I am 10 minutes away from one son. I did it for them because they lost their Dad suddenly and I want to be as little of a burden to them as possible. I just need a place to live. And I know it will age with me.'

My point is that most everyone will face these issues sooner or later. I feel that helping my Dad was very difficult and sometimes wonder how I got through those years but I have no regrets. Right now my health is good and I will stay active. I am in my mid 60s now. It is easy for me to say that I will make decisions in the future to make my kids' lives easier but I may find myself wanting to have my independence as long as I can. I can't say right now how I will decide. It is easy to say I will always think of my kids and their needs but I also believe they will think of my needs too including being involved in decisions about my life and independence as much as possible,

Bless you for caring for your parents in a very difficult time of life.

 

[NannyBeBe]

There are a few things that anyone can do to make it easier for their children. Everyone should have a Will, a Power of Attorney, and a Power of Attorney for Medical Care. If there is a home that one would like to pass to a specific person, a Direct Deed can be signed prior to death, which will allow the home to pass immediately to that person. I know a lot of people have Living Wills, but that is something I do not personally have because I want final medical decisions to be made by my loved ones and not the doctors.

 

[bobbiwoz]

Yikes, sorry so long!

But we’ll worth the read.

 

[tvguy]

There are a few things that anyone can do to make it easier for their children. Everyone should have a Will, a Power of Attorney, and a Power of Attorney for Medical Care. If there is a home that one would like to pass to a specific person, a Direct Deed can be signed prior to death, which will allow the home to pass immediately to that person. I know a lot of people have Living Wills, but that is something I do not personally have because I want final medical decisions to be made by my loved ones and not the doctors.

Lack of Power of Attorney almost was an issue in dealing with my mom's care. She was correctly advised when doing her estate planning that the way things were set up, she did not need a power of attorney. Unfortunately, her out of state Long Term Care Insurance Provider felt differently. They said her Long Term Care Policy was an Investment, not an Insurance policy.
Fortunately, despite having suffering a stroke she was mentally and physically able to sign a Power of Attorney. But her estate attorney said getting a court order to force them to start paying would have been no problem.
And speaking of Long Term Care Policies, all the plans I have seen require you to pay for 90 days care before they start paying. Many people are surprised by that deductible.

 

[barkley]

There are a few things that anyone can do to make it easier for their children. Everyone should have a Will, a Power of Attorney, and a Power of Attorney for Medical Care. If there is a home that one would like to pass to a specific person, a Direct Deed can be signed prior to death, which will allow the home to pass immediately to that person. I know a lot of people have Living Wills, but that is something I do not personally have because I want final medical decisions to be made by my loved ones and not the doctors.

since this has been brought up i'll add a few suggestions that would have helped emmensely w/our parents so we've definately addressed them in our personal planning-

if a parent (or spouse) has a pension-find out if whomever administers it requires a specific power of attorney form to communicate with whomever will be handling things or it can be a nightmare if issues must be addressed. the state public employer mil was with (who we also have a pension connection with) has a specific p.o.a. form and won't accept any other. it takes over 6 months (minimum before covid hit so who knows now, maybe a year?) to get the form formally accepted and in their files/data base. absent that form-their lips are sealed short of a time consuming/costly to acquire court order.

remember that p.o.a.'s only last so long as the person is living-the minute they pass/the minute those papers aren't worth the paper they are written on. that said-make sure you are on the things you need to take care of after they pass-BEFORE they pass. utilities, cable/satellite and subscriptions (life alert and such) are a pain to cancel if you don't know the passwords/user names (if they ever went to online-both our parents still did paper and didn't think to list us as having authority), health insurance (you want to be able to make sure final payments are made so you want it on file that you can speak with them), anything that you will have to cancel to stop accruing expenses. yes, be it a trust w/ a trustee or a will with an executor there are ways through those means to get things done but depending on the state you live it can take time to get legally appointed and time to get death certificates for those that demand them to recognize your authority all of which entails more time, more expenses and just additional mental pain on top of the emotional pain of losing a loved one.