Vent: Other parents fussing at your kids...?

[DLgal]

I was a SAHM with 5 close in age kids, I had a ton of kids here all of the time. My landscaper was shocked when my mom told him I didn’t actually run a daycare (he was her landscaper too). Two of my daughters shared all of their clothes/shoes for more than a dozen years until one went away to college.

My boys have always shared clothes too. But it's funny, the OLDER one recently started getting the younger ones hand me downs, because the younger one is now bigger. For a long time, they were the same size.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Gen X here and you don’t have to worry about me yelling at your kid because I would never ever do that unless it was to warn him about the oncoming car or something. But to reprimand someone else’s child in that parent’s presence? Never. Not in a million years. It’s not my place to do so.

Your child is not being aggressive towards the little one, it doesn’t sound like. It sounds like he’s trying to get space from the younger one and frankly, he should be allowed to do so if that’s how he’s feeling. I’ve never let my children follow around/annoy/harass older kids just because they were too young to know better. That’s when it’s time to redirect the younger child to a different toy, new activity, or simply pick them up and carry them elsewhere.

My older son is allowed to have things that belong to just him that he’s not expected to share with his younger brother. (That sometimes means having to keep the “off-limits” toy out of his little brother’s presence so as to not taunt him.) Other toys are for sharing. Sometimes that means playing with them together and sometimes it means taking turns. Both kids are expected to give space to the other and wait for their turn. The older doesn’t constantly have to defer to the younger one and the younger one doesn’t always get to have what he wants when he wants it. On the occasions where they have trouble working it out, they’re sent to play separately. (My kids are 5 and 2 currently but this is how we’ve always done it.)

It’d be nice if you and your SIL could get on the same page about having boundaries in place for both kids.

 

[sipnride]

Growing up there was no shortage of adults aunts uncles older cousins, some blood many not, who would put me in my place and that started at a very early age. Every once in a while my parents would tell someone to stick it but for the most part that's how things were.

Things are very different now, so as a grown up I don't really say things to kids who aren't mine but there are family members who do absolutely nothing to intervene in their kids behavior and both them and the kids are obnoxiously sensitive to anyone else's attempts to establish boundaries. That is bs in my opinion.

The nuance of a specific interaction is key, and without being there nobody can really say what was appropriate intervention and what crossed the line, but based solely on what your wrote it seems like your reaction may be a little too sensitive. SIL fussing at her nephew shouldn't be a big deal. Now again I wasnt there so maybe it really crossed a line but I'm of the perspective that having another adult member of the family weigh in is mostly positive. Parenting is exhausting, if someone in my family wants to help out I try to be appreciative.

 

[Princesca]

You're going to have to get used to this. It takes a village. Blah Blah Blah.

Me and all the other Gen X parents are about to start yelling at your kid for everything and we aren't going to care if you get upset about it.

Remember, feedback is a gift. If you don't give him feedback, we will. We're just trying to keep him from getting flattened by a dump trunk, hurting the baby or twisting his ankle.

I am actually Gen X, and I can't say I agree. It isn't my responsibility to parent someone else's kid. Keep them from immediate harm? Sure. But I draw the line at taking it upon myself to teach them life lessons.

 

[leahgoogle]

My SIL and I both have three kids that have been and are still raised together. We definitely "fuss" at each other's kids and its ok with us. You have to figure out what is acceptable between you and your SIL. There are lots of opinions on sharing toys and discipline so it really is a "get on the same page" thing with your SIL.

 

[leahgoogle]

You're going to have to get used to this. It takes a village. Blah Blah Blah.

Me and all the other Gen X parents are about to start yelling at your kid for everything and we aren't going to care if you get upset about it.

Remember, feedback is a gift. If you don't give him feedback, we will. We're just trying to keep him from getting flattened by a dump trunk, hurting the baby or twisting his ankle.

Oh, have times changed! I'm Gen X. Best believe that every parent in the neighborhood would fuss at you for things and it was expected. Now, parents get mad if another parent looks at their kid the wrong way. I miss my childhood days....lol.

 

[DLgal]

Oh, have times changed! I'm Gen X. Best believe that every parent in the neighborhood would fuss at you for things and it was expected. Now, parents get mad if another parent looks at their kid the wrong way. I miss my childhood days....lol.

I think this largely depends upon where you grew up. I lived in NJ from age 6 to 16. I don't recall even one instance of another parent "fussing" at me. Parents were largely out of the picture for us Gen X kids. They usually weren't even around when we were playing with friends. I recall spending a lot of time playing outside, riding bikes, playing manhunt or kickball with neighborhood kids and we policed ourselves. I used to literally light little fires with my best friend in the sand at our local playground and never was there another parent in sight. We did what we wanted and tried not to get caught. My own mom used to drop me and my sisters off at the ice rink with like $10 for lunch and just leave us there for like 3-4 hours. ALL the parents did this. We were like 6, 8 and 10 at the time. Blows my mind to think about that now. Parents now would NEVER.

Anyway, this whole "it takes a village" feels like a regional thing to me, because that was definitely NOT my experience growing us as a Gen X kid (born in 1978).

 

[CdnCarrie]

Not sure what Gen X had to do about it since they are the classic latchkey kids with no parents after school.

As for sharing toys I think if you have an invited guest over than yes toys need to be shared with your guest. Different if in public.

 

[Magical2017]

When my boys were little, our playgroup decided that if there was a special toy that one child did not want to share, the host would put it away before all the other little ones came over to their house. We rotated who hosted so it worked out well. Anything not put away was expected to be shared but that was a toddler-negotiation situation and didn't always end well.

 

[Princesca]

I think this largely depends upon where you grew up. I lived in NJ from age 6 to 16. I don't recall even one instance of another parent "fussing" at me. Parents were largely out of the picture for us Gen X kids. They usually weren't even around when we were playing with friends. I recall spending a lot of time playing outside, riding bikes, playing manhunt or kickball with neighborhood kids and we policed ourselves. I used to literally light little fires with my best friend in the sand at our local playground and never was there another parent in sight. We did what we wanted and tried not to get caught. My own mom used to drop me and my sisters off at the ice rink with like $10 for lunch and just leave us there for like 3-4 hours. ALL the parents did this. We were like 6, 8 and 10 at the time. Blows my mind to think about that now. Parents now would NEVER.

Anyway, this whole "it takes a village" feels like a regional thing to me, because that was definitely NOT my experience growing us as a Gen X kid (born in 1978).

Not mine either, born in 1975. At most, my friends parents might narc on me to my parents, as they all knew each other, but they never fussed at or disciplined me unless they were my established caregiver. Like if we left her in charge of him, then fine... I think the issue is the unsolicited nature of it.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I think this largely depends upon where you grew up. I lived in NJ from age 6 to 16. I don't recall even one instance of another parent "fussing" at me. Parents were largely out of the picture for us Gen X kids. They usually weren't even around when we were playing with friends. I recall spending a lot of time playing outside, riding bikes, playing manhunt or kickball with neighborhood kids and we policed ourselves. I used to literally light little fires with my best friend in the sand at our local playground and never was there another parent in sight. We did what we wanted and tried not to get caught. My own mom used to drop me and my sisters off at the ice rink with like $10 for lunch and just leave us there for like 3-4 hours. ALL the parents did this. We were like 6, 8 and 10 at the time. Blows my mind to think about that now. Parents now would NEVER.

Anyway, this whole "it takes a village" feels like a regional thing to me, because that was definitely NOT my experience growing us as a Gen X kid (born in 1978).

I remember the 80s as a society primarily populated by feral children roaming the streets, warring factions, and survival of the fittest. What I don’t recall is adults telling us to share and play nicely. Adults. Just adults period. I don’t remember them being present.

ETA: I never lit fires at the playground, though. I just lit them on the porch.

 

[tzolkin]

Not sure what Gen X had to do about it since they are the classic latchkey kids with no parents after school.

I was thinking that too. Gen X is 1965-1980 so I guess maybe the "village" part would be more applicable to those at the early part of the generation, but definitely not for those at the other end.

Gen X here and you don’t have to worry about me yelling at your kid because I would never ever do that unless it was to warn him about the oncoming car or something. But to reprimand someone else’s child in that parent’s presence? Never. Not in a million years. It’s not my place to do so.

...
It’d be nice if you and your SIL could get on the same page about having boundaries in place for both kids.

I'm absolutely with you. To reprimand a kid in their parent's presence is (to me) basically just making a passive aggressive comment about their parenting. It's like the equivalent of saying to a kid, "Oh you poor thing. You must be freezing. Why would your mommy let you go outside without a hat on?" with mom standing right there to overhear it. The OP was obviously watching what was going on and did step in and reprimand her kid when he knocked the younger one over.

It does sound like they need to get on the same page or keep the kids separated if they can't agree on what is age-appropriate behavior. If I were the parent of the younger child and thought the other one was being too rough, I would discuss it with the other parent to either come up with a solution or if we disagreed it would be my responsibility to keep my kid away. I much prefer to handle things directly than to try to force someone else to take a hint that something was bothering me by reprimanding their toddler.

 

[Princesca]

It does sound like they need to get on the same page or keep the kids separated if they can't agree on what is age-appropriate behavior. If I were the parent of the younger child and thought the other one was being too rough, I would discuss it with the other parent to either come up with a solution or if we disagreed it would be my responsibility to keep my kid away.

This is how I feel. When our son is at a playgroup, if he is consistently being picked on by another kid, and that kid's parents don't intervene, I don't take it upon myself to lecture or reprimand their child. I just remove my child from the situation. I'm generally nonconfrontational (which is why I'm venting here instead of taking anything up with my SIL ) so I don't generally say anything to them about their kid's behavior.

 

[nw6675]

I remember the 80s as a society primarily populated by feral children roaming the streets, warring factions, and survival of the fittest. What I don’t recall is adults telling us to share and play nicely. Adults. Just adults period. I don’t remember them being present.

ETA: I never lit fires at the playground, though. I just lit them on the porch.

This.

 

[Princesca]

I remember the 80s as a society primarily populated by feral children roaming the streets, warring factions, and survival of the fittest. What I don’t recall is adults telling us to share and play nicely. Adults. Just adults period. I don’t remember them being present.

ETA: I never lit fires at the playground, though. I just lit them on the porch.

This made me laugh. That's how I remember it too. There was a lot about that time that was great, but there were also some things that were not so great. We're trying to raise our son in a way that he will be self-sufficient, but also so he'll never doubt that we're always here for him if he needs us, and happy to help, and remain interested in his life and curious about the person he is becoming. As a Gen-Xer, I was missing those bits because my parents split up and my mom was always working.

 

[Dakota731]

Everyone likes the saying “it takes a village” until someone corrects their child! I’d just be thankful your child will have cousins close in age. What a fun blessing that’s been in our family!

 

[Tink-osophy]

I think there's a balance in everything. The idea of not having to share anything ...or... having to share anything when asked ...are both alien to me. It's good to have some personal space and to honor special belongings; equally it's good to relax about socializing and about material items, too.

In the case of a 1yr old and a 2yr old, what you're describing sounds, to me, like a gentle and safe opportunity for both to learn how to get along with others. I wouldn't think either needs removing or 'containing'. In their own ways they will each benefit from being gently encouraged and/or reminded regularly. Both are early on the journey, but each step still has to be taken.

As mentioned by others above, I agree that you either need to step in sooner yourself and/or have a straightforward chat with your sister-in-law about it.

The only times I would/have ever say anything to a child I don't know, is if, in the moment, they are behaving badly towards others and parents are absent or ignoring.

Even then, it would be a firm, but gentle "Please don't push; Please wait your turn etc.." I've had kids (not toddlers) racing round a small store bumping into me more than once, so I just told them please to stop. If their parent doesn't want that to happen, then he/she should be keeping a closer eye themselves. I'm not about to approach a parent and ask them (in so many words) to parent their own kids - I can only imagine what response that might get. I just deal with it quickly, but kindly and move on.

It's better to learn in childhood (than adulthood) that there are consequences to how much or little you consider the people around you.

 

[Tink-osophy]

P.S. Anyone else dislike the widespread use of so many labels and generalisations, like Gen This, That & The Other?!

 

[Princesca]

Thanks for all the feedback and support. I regret using the word 'contained' - it's a bit more Draconian than I intended. I just meant that the baby could be set in a pack and play with a couple of toys for a bit, or engaged by their mom, on their lap, or some other diversion. It's hard to keep the kids apart when the baby follows the older one around and the older one can't 'escape' when they need their space. I actually really admire and am proud of the restraint that my son has shown in this case. We were kind of expecting him to be more aggressive, but he really hasn't been.

I think part of this is, too, her own lack of response in situations. When our son is being loud, and the baby is trying to nap, we engage with him, or redirect him to quieter play, out of courtesy. But even right now, her baby is shrieking (not crying/upset, just vocalizing) while our son is trying to nap, and she's doing nothing at all to try to redirect or amuse or comfort him. I know there's never any guarantees that you can successfully quiet a loud infant, but it would mean something if she would at least try. In fact, she herself is being loud, and she knows his bedroom is right on the other side of the wall from her.

She's visiting us from out of state, and staying with us for the week, and this has been going on for five days now. So it's starting to be wearisome. She was also present for my son's occupational therapy, and was saying things like "I don't want to seem like I'm comparing them, but day care says that our son is really good at telling them when he needs something, and that he's really social for his age." It's just so insensitive. And I'm over it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm trying to figure out why this was even an idea in the first place to have family stay at the house much less for a week. Who offered this? and why? I totally thought this was a habitual thing being family where choosing to not have play dates for a while seemed a good option not family out of state. While I absolutely understand the frustration level this is a case where it's such a short lived thing I would suggest coasting through the remainder of the few days you have left and just know for the future. Let it roll off you the parenting comments from her even as grating as they can be, she's not even living near you and you don't appear to have often enough interaction in person. It wouldn't be worth any drama for several days here.