Vent: Other parents fussing at your kids...?

[Tink-osophy]

Thanks for all the feedback and support. I regret using the word 'contained' - it's a bit more Draconian than I intended. I just meant that the baby could be set in a pack and play with a couple of toys for a bit, or engaged by their mom, on their lap, or some other diversion. It's hard to keep the kids apart when the baby follows the older one around and the older one can't 'escape' when they need their space. I actually really admire and am proud of the restraint that my son has shown in this case. We were kind of expecting him to be more aggressive, but he really hasn't been.

I think part of this is, too, her own lack of response in situations. When our son is being loud, and the baby is trying to nap, we engage with him, or redirect him to quieter play, out of courtesy. But even right now, her baby is shrieking (not crying/upset, just vocalizing) while our son is trying to nap, and she's doing nothing at all to try to redirect or amuse or comfort him. I know there's never any guarantees that you can successfully quiet a loud infant, but it would mean something if she would at least try. In fact, she herself is being loud, and she knows his bedroom is right on the other side of the wall from her.

She's visiting us from out of state, and staying with us for the week, and this has been going on for five days now. So it's starting to be wearisome. She was also present for my son's occupational therapy, and was saying things like "I don't want to seem like I'm comparing them, but day care says that our son is really good at telling them when he needs something, and that he's really social for his age." It's just so insensitive. And I'm over it.

Oh, reading this - you definitely need to have a straightforward chat with her. (Or make gentle, but firm comments to her in the moment, like I mentioned above with kids! )

A considerate child begins with considerate parents. Equally, you don't want yours always to be the one who gives in.

I'd ask her directly to make some effort to keep things quietER when your son is napping, even if that means her taking her baby out for a walk or handing the baby to you (then you can lead by example) and I'd praise both kids clearly if/when they are socialising well to get that message across, too.

In other words, I wouldn't be confrontational, but I wouldn't just put up and shut up, either!

 

[mousefan73]

My opinion, I have a right to call out and or reprimand any person, any age if they are misbehaving in a way that affects my enjoyment also of public places, insults me or causes harm/insult to others. If this takes place in a public place, private home with parents present or not, it doesnt matter to me.

 

[Princesca]

I'm trying to figure out why this was even an idea in the first place to have family stay at the house much less for a week. Who offered this? and why? I totally thought this was a habitual thing being family where choosing to not have play dates for a while seemed a good option not family out of state. While I absolutely understand the frustration level this is a case where it's such a short lived thing I would suggest coasting through the remainder of the few days you have left and just know for the future. Let it roll off you the parenting comments from her even as grating as they can be, she's not even living near you and you don't appear to have often enough interaction in person. It wouldn't be worth any drama for several days here.

Well, that's a whole other barrel of monkeys. We could go into the fact that my wife continually bends over backwards for family that generally does not do the same for her... but that's a testament to her generous spirit, so it's a double-edged sword. It becomes problematic when she doesn't maintain healthy boundaries. It's something that we should be working on.

Basically, the SIL flew here with the baby for a week, alone, so she's staying here and working some of the days remotely, and my wife is taking care of both kids during those times because I'm working as well. I want my wife to have quality time with her family, because we live by my family, not hers, and this helps her feel less homesick. Usually, though, by the time her family goes back home, she says she's grateful to have our house and lives back and get back to our usual routine. This was really to save money and to give them as much time together as possible.

I mean, you're right, I'm not going to do anything about it since she's only here til Saturday. But definitely going to try to do this differently in future. I guess the old saying is true - fish and guests get old in three days.

 

[mousefan73]

I am actually Gen X, and I can't say I agree. It isn't my responsibility to parent someone else's kid. Keep them from immediate harm? Sure. But I draw the line at taking it upon myself to teach them life lessons.

Sometimes one has to teach other life lessons, if it affects you. good example.. I was sitting next to a cousin in the car, her kid behind me. The kid kept kicking the seat. It got annoying after a while. Mom didnt say anything. I then said something. Should I have kept my mouth shut and let the kid no learn that it's rude to kick the seat in front out of boredom. This kid was old enought to get it.

 

[lpereira]

Many things going on here
1. Outside the moment firmly tell the other parent to direct any concerns about your child to you and not to your child. If this is a problem again limit contact to the minimum necessary given that these people are family.
2. Children dont naturally share- it is a behavior that must be taught. At the same time property is not a community ownership thing. Your job is to teach that fine line to your child. One way is to have your child select a few toys that he would like to play WITH someone else. Have these toys out when guests come over and close his bedroom door.
3. As an aside children need to learn to negotiate with each other without adult interference. Now while they cant really hurt each other. When they are teenagers it is too late to start learning.

 

[Princesca]

Sometimes one has to teach other life lessons, if it affects you. good example.. I was sitting next to a cousin in the car, her kid behind me. The kid kept kicking the seat. It got annoying after a while. Mom didnt say anything. I then said something. Should I have kept my mouth shut and let the kid no learn that it's rude to kick the seat in front out of boredom. This kid was old enought to get it.

To me that's not really teaching a life lesson as much as it is establishing and protecting your own boundaries, which is completely valid. If the other kid learns from that, great, but my motivation in that case isn't reprimand for the sake of reprimand, I'm speaking up for my personal comfort.

 

[mjkacmom]

My sister lives out of state, we vacation together once a year, her 3 kids and my 5, now they are 26, 24, 21, 19, 19, 19, 18 and 16, so when they were little it was a lot, and we definitely corrected each other’s kids. It’s only a week, not a big deal. It sounds like both kids are only children? The more kids I had, the more I could tolerate. Obviously in this situation they kids are acting like normal toddlers.

 

[sipnride]

Thanks for all the feedback and support. I regret using the word 'contained' - it's a bit more Draconian than I intended. I just meant that the baby could be set in a pack and play with a couple of toys for a bit, or engaged by their mom, on their lap, or some other diversion. It's hard to keep the kids apart when the baby follows the older one around and the older one can't 'escape' when they need their space. I actually really admire and am proud of the restraint that my son has shown in this case. We were kind of expecting him to be more aggressive, but he really hasn't been.

I think part of this is, too, her own lack of response in situations. When our son is being loud, and the baby is trying to nap, we engage with him, or redirect him to quieter play, out of courtesy. But even right now, her baby is shrieking (not crying/upset, just vocalizing) while our son is trying to nap, and she's doing nothing at all to try to redirect or amuse or comfort him. I know there's never any guarantees that you can successfully quiet a loud infant, but it would mean something if she would at least try. In fact, she herself is being loud, and she knows his bedroom is right on the other side of the wall from her.

She's visiting us from out of state, and staying with us for the week, and this has been going on for five days now. So it's starting to be wearisome. She was also present for my son's occupational therapy, and was saying things like "I don't want to seem like I'm comparing them, but day care says that our son is really good at telling them when he needs something, and that he's really social for his age." It's just so insensitive. And I'm over it.

After reading this and especially that quote your SIL sounds sounds like a real piece of work. With that attitude she and her baby ought to be staying in a nearby econolodge.

 

[HopperFan]

I could give a list of situations like this I dealt with, it comes with family - the ones you spend time with because you have to.

When I was 18 months (last century) we were at a large extended family gathering at my Dad's sisters. There were three of us the same exact age, birthdays within weeks. So we were playing together on floor in front of everyone. All of a sudden my boy cousin leans in and aggressively bites me. Crickets other than my screaming. My Dad said to his sister (as my Mom scooped me up to check me) "Are you going to say anything to him about not biting?" My aunt replies "You knew he was tired, you should have taken her home." I don't care your generation, this will always be some people's parenting style. There is no rational conversation to have when a person always looks at your child as the problem and theirs as perfect.

absolutely with you. To reprimand a kid in their parent's presence is (to me) basically just making a passive aggressive comment about their parenting. It's like the equivalent of saying to a kid, "Oh you poor thing. You must be freezing. Why would your mommy let you go outside without a hat on?" with mom standing right there to overhear it. The OP was obviously watching what was going on and did step in and reprimand her kid when he knocked the younger one over.

It does sound like they need to get on the same page or keep the kids separated if they can't agree on what is age-appropriate behavior. If I were the parent of the younger child and thought the other one was being too rough, I would discuss it with the other parent to either come up with a solution or if we disagreed it would be my responsibility to keep my kid away. I much prefer to handle things directly than to try to force someone else to take a hint that something was bothering me by reprimanding their toddler.

Yes and this is likely a personality trait of the person and it will never change. This is your red flag warning on how life/friendship etc will be with them going forward.

Unfortunately sometimes the direct method in situations like the OP bring on a lifetime of issues. I was going to say (until I read the last OP post) that I would be removing my child and not exposing them to the child who is provoking them or the aunt who is making comments.

P.S. Anyone else dislike the widespread use of so many labels and generalisations, like Gen This, That & The Other?!

HATE it because I imagine many (myself included) do not connect with the "description" of my technical generation. I see many here claiming "ideals or lifestyle" with their generation which I know are highly associated with other generations as well ... it is narrow thinking. Also one's "actions" are likely more associated with the family style, their socio-economic, where they lived or grew up etc. without any regard to their birth year. I will never judge someone based on their generation, just their actions.

Thanks for all the feedback and support. I regret using the word 'contained' - it's a bit more Draconian than I intended. I just meant that the baby could be set in a pack and play with a couple of toys for a bit, or engaged by their mom, on their lap, or some other diversion. It's hard to keep the kids apart when the baby follows the older one around and the older one can't 'escape' when they need their space. I actually really admire and am proud of the restraint that my son has shown in this case. We were kind of expecting him to be more aggressive, but he really hasn't been.

I think part of this is, too, her own lack of response in situations. When our son is being loud, and the baby is trying to nap, we engage with him, or redirect him to quieter play, out of courtesy. But even right now, her baby is shrieking (not crying/upset, just vocalizing) while our son is trying to nap, and she's doing nothing at all to try to redirect or amuse or comfort him. I know there's never any guarantees that you can successfully quiet a loud infant, but it would mean something if she would at least try. In fact, she herself is being loud, and she knows his bedroom is right on the other side of the wall from her.

She's visiting us from out of state, and staying with us for the week, and this has been going on for five days now. So it's starting to be wearisome. She was also present for my son's occupational therapy, and was saying things like "I don't want to seem like I'm comparing them, but day care says that our son is really good at telling them when he needs something, and that he's really social for his age." It's just so insensitive. And I'm over it.

You have every right to vent based on your first post. It sounds like you are taking the correct steps and your SIL thinks her child has the right to do as they please even if it results in things she isn't okay with. I didn't even let my own children invade each other's space if it wasn't a positive at the moment. I completely understood what you meant and I did it many times, playpen, different room, different activity. A one year old can absolutely learn boundaries if a parent is committed to teach them, their Mom obviously believes he has none.

You should be very proud of your son, most 2 year olds would have had enough.

The nap story - WOW - that tells you everything you need to know. She completely disrespected your family.

The last paragraph got me. All of this is happening in YOUR HOME that she is staying in for a week?!?! AND AS THE PARENT TO A CHILD WITH DISABILITIES, who did massive amounts of therapy for many years and will always need assistance ............... YIKES. First I would have asked her to leave the room during OT, then after I would have told her what she said and implied was insensitive, hurtful and ableist.

AND when they left I would be discussing with DH that they would not be staying with us again. They could stay with another family member or get a hotel.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Sometimes one has to teach other life lessons, if it affects you. good example.. I was sitting next to a cousin in the car, her kid behind me. The kid kept kicking the seat. It got annoying after a while. Mom didnt say anything. I then said something. Should I have kept my mouth shut and let the kid no learn that it's rude to kick the seat in front out of boredom. This kid was old enought to get it.

I agree with the OP in this situation you describe. My husband's step-sister and her husband have completely different parenting style than we would ever be comfortable with (especially the toxic masculinity). That said we stay out of it. However, when the middle child decides he wants to sit with me or on my lap while I have my phone with me often playing some random game or a crossword puzzle or sudoku he immediately wants my cell phone to either play the game I'm playing or to use it. He's been like this since he was a toddler and he's like 10?? I think.

Just because his parents and his grandparents just hand over their phones doesn't mean I have to and no I really don't have to let him play my game (especially knowing how easy it is to purchase things). He is absolutely fine watching me play though. This isn't really reprimanding him, nor parenting him. I just gentle say "no" to when he asks about me giving him my phone, or if he says "can I play?" I say gently "no but you can watch" and I move myself to ensure he can see what I'm doing. He's content for a while then wants to go do something else.

I am sensitive to how he is because in his world showing emotion is girly, sissy and unacceptable (these are the words they use) so I don't try to put a hardness to my voice or actions. I can maintain my boundary and my belongings without crossing over the line into parenting.

 

[sipnride]

I remember the 80s as a society primarily populated by feral children roaming the streets, warring factions, and survival of the fittest. What I don’t recall is adults telling us to share and play nicely. Adults. Just adults period. I don’t remember them being present.

ETA: I never lit fires at the playground, though. I just lit them on the porch.

1979 baby and those were all true but I also distinctly remember that although adults were sparse they all pretty much felt they had a license to scream and cuss us out when we were up to no good. And probably for the better honestly as I never wound up in juvi and I'm pretty sure I would have if not for those interventions.

 

[DLgal]

She's visiting us from out of state, and staying with us for the week, and this has been going on for five days now. So it's starting to be wearisome. She was also present for my son's occupational therapy, and was saying things like "I don't want to seem like I'm comparing them, but day care says that our son is really good at telling them when he needs something, and that he's really social for his age." It's just so insensitive. And I'm over it.

Ew, this is gross behavior. This would be the first and last time I'd host these relatives at my home.

 

[design_mom]

I don't have a lot of advice. Twenty years ago, I could have written a very similar post (SIL with a son who's about a year younger than mine, thought her son was an angel so thought any disagreements were always my son's fault, always comparing the two -- but only when she thought her son would "win.") It's tough. All I can say is that it eventually gets better. Our boys are 21 and 22 now. SIL can still be difficult sometimes, but... overall it's way easier to deal with.

 

[Schneewittchen37]

I am actually Gen X, and I can't say I agree. It isn't my responsibility to parent someone else's kid. Keep them from immediate harm? Sure. But I draw the line at taking it upon myself to teach them life lessons.

It's not life lessons. I want your kid to stop doing the annoying thing.

 

[robinb]

My son just turned two, and he was playing in the same general space as a cousin who's about to turn one. The one year old is obsessed with following my son around, and my son is used to playing pretty independently. He is at a stage where he's protective of his toys, and we're working on the concept of sharing, but this is all developmentally appropriate interaction for his age. Anyway, the one year old keeps coming up on my son and trying to take his toys and just generally being handsy (as one year olds are wont to be) and my son is guarding. Not pushing, but putting an arm out defensively to keep the one year old at a distance. He did kind of lightly hip-check him at one point when he was crowding him, which knocked the one year old over, and I told him that 'that hurts baby, see how sad he is?' Baby was crying, but not hurt. But my son is too young to get it, and is very rarely around kids younger than him so he doesn't understand their capabilities, so there's not much I can do at this point but remove him from the situation, which I have been doing. The baby keeps following, though, so really, I think it's the baby that needs to be contained if my sister in law is so concerned about this.

My issue is with my sister in law who was fussing at my son, even when the potential was there but he hadn't done anything yet. In my opinion, both the children were behaving entirely appropriately for their ages, and I also believe that this is how kids learn to navigate shared spaces together. If they were brothers, and you fussed at the older one every time these instances happen, you'd have chronic laryngitis. But he is her only child, and I'm chalking this up to that fact plus the fact that he's only one and I think we were all overprotective at that stage.

I guess I'm just venting. I generally think that people should leave the reprimanding and discipline to the parents, if they are present, and she has spent hardly any time with our son over the first two years of his life, so I don't feel like it's her right to criticize his behavior to him when we are there and acting on it.

I suppose I'm really the overprotective one, but the 'mama bear' in me is really grumpy right now. Unlike this emoji bear.

I think that maybe your SIL has a different idea of how aggressive your son's protective actions over his toys are compared to how aggressive you feel they are. I also think it's interesting that you use the term "appropriate behavior" to explain it away. While the protective behavioral your son is exhibiting may be common for his age, it's really not appropriate. Frankly, I would also "fuss" at a toddler who was constantly stiff arming and hip checking my baby. Even if my baby was following the toddler around. Even if both children were exhibiting behaviors common for their ages. My DD was a biter when she was 2 which is a very common behavior at that age, but not appropriate. I gladly accepted anyone else "fussing" at her when she bit someone. Her behavior *was* wrong and so is knocking over a baby over a toy or straight arming the baby to keep him at bay. Both are aggressive and a straight arm is often a precursor to a push and a shove. If your SIL feels that your son is heading toward that she is completely within her rights to "fuss" at your son and attempt to prevent more aggressive behavior.

 

[Princesca]

I think that maybe your SIL has a different idea of how aggressive your son's protective actions over his toys are compared to how aggressive you feel they are. I also think it's interesting that you use the term "appropriate behavior" to explain it away. While the protective behavioral your son is exhibiting may be common for his age, it's really not appropriate. Frankly, I would also "fuss" at a toddler who was constantly stiff arming and hip checking my baby. Even if my baby was following the toddler around. Even if both children were exhibiting behaviors common for their ages. My DD was a biter when she was 2 which is a very common behavior at that age, but not appropriate. I gladly accepted anyone else "fussing" at her when she bit someone. Her behavior *was* wrong and so is knocking over a baby over a toy or straight arming the baby to keep him at bay. Both are aggressive and a straight arm is often a precursor to a push and a shove. If your SIL feels that your son is heading toward that she is completely within her rights to "fuss" at your son and attempt to prevent more aggressive behavior.

I just disagree. I was there, and I was handling it. She did not need to intervene. The first incident was the knocking over, I intervened, and I kept a close eye on him after. Nothing else happened after that, she was just jumping on him at even the slightest involvement after that, which IMO, she should have instead picked up her baby and moved him elsewhere. Because, as aforementioned, I can't keep him away from my son if they are both free roaming. If it happens again, I'll take my son to his room so we can both have some away time.

Also, by appropriate, I meant age appropriate. There is a difference between 'appropriate behavior' and 'age appropriate' - as in, 'this was a normal reaction for a child in his age group.' Obviously, we don't want him to be a full-grown adult that puts out an arm at folks, though I do respect adults who know and keep the boundaries they need, and I hope he grows up to be one of those. These are all reasons why we have him in OT. But when you're two years old, and someone won't leave you alone, and you don't have words, and you can't remove yourself from a situation because the baby follows you, I believe what he did was completely age-appropriate, and actually showed restraint because he never, at any point, hit or lashed out. The hip check wasn't even a hip check, I used the phrase because I didn't have a better description for what he did, but he didn't like 'do the bump'. The baby pulled up right next to him at the edge of the ottoman he was playing on, and he shifted in the baby's direction, which made contact and knocked the baby down. I intervened and scooped up and comforted the baby, tried to instruct my son as best I could given his age, and watched them ever after that. Meanwhile, my SIL didn't do anything with her son, she just fussed at mine.

 

[robinb]

I just disagree. I was there, and I was handling it. She did not need to intervene. The first incident was the knocking over, I intervened, and I kept a close eye on him after. Nothing else happened after that, she was just jumping on him at even the slightest involvement after that, which IMO, she should have instead picked up her baby and moved him elsewhere. Because, as aforementioned, I can't keep him away from my son if they are both free roaming. If it happens again, I'll take my son to his room so we can both have some away time.

She was afraid that your son would hurt her baby again. I still see nothing wrong with her trying to prevent another incident while allowing both boys to be free roaming.

It sounds like to me that you just want to the baby to stop bugging your son. That's understandable. However, their interaction and attempts to peacefully play together is literally a learning experience for both of them. I do think your idea of alone time is good. I think it's best for your own sanity to take charge of that and remove your son to his room rather than upsetting yourself more expecting your SIL to remove the baby.

 

[kyton]

Are you both first time parents? You both need to relax. Your kids will sort it out and they both need to learn to share. They are both babies at this stage so redirect attention with other toys. Our kids are now teens but my sister and I each had 2 very close to the other - we were always together so our 4 kids got very used to others being in their space and learnt to negotiate. That’s what childhood is about. Don’t helicopter and smother - teach resilience and negotiation.

As for family “parenting” that’s a fine line. I’m one of the sisters - add in our parents, any of us would “parent” any of the kids that needed it when we were together. Never got my back up as we all raise our kids with the same ideals.

 

[Tink-osophy]

I've been thinking about this a bit and - having been the person who bends over backwards and it just leading to being treated worse and worse in return - if I were you I'd try and encourage your wife to be a bit more assertive and a bit less pleasing. This is her sister, after all.

I think it's great that you're so understanding and supportive (your family being nearer-by). I've just found that taking it and taking it doesn't work in the long run the way we hope pleasing others might.

If it was just her sister not always taking responsibility for her baby and it being annoying - I might say maybe she's a bit unsure, what with it being her first. Or maybe she's just annoying! ...But the comments with the occupational therapist are insensitive.

IMO, you need to be able to tell your own sibling to put a sock in it (lightly not meanly), especially at personal and important times like that. If you can't then, maybe the balance of the relationship is off. That was my experience.

As long as one person isn't too narcissistic to listen, then talking about things is usually better than not, isn't it?! Her sister might not realize her comments weren't helping if not told.

 

[mjkacmom]

Are you both first time parents? You both need to relax. Your kids will sort it out and they both need to learn to share. They are both babies at this stage so redirect attention with other toys. Our kids are now teens but my sister and I each had 2 very close to the other - we were always together so our 4 kids got very used to others being in their space and learnt to negotiate. That’s what childhood is about. Don’t helicopter and smother - teach resilience and negotiation.

As for family “parenting” that’s a fine line. I’m one of the sisters - add in our parents, any of us would “parent” any of the kids that needed it when we were together. Never got my back up as we all raise our kids with the same ideals.

It does sound like new parent issues. When I was really young my mom’s family came to live with us while their house was being built, my 2 year old sister bit their 2 year old daughter, got brought up every thanksgiving for decades (my uncle was furious at the time but obviously in retrospect it was normal behavior and they laughed about it). It’s better when the kids get older, my sister/SIL’s try to top each other with “if you think your child is bad, let me tell you what my teen just did”.