Anyone Else Have a Controlling Sibling? - Resolved Post 216

[we"reofftoneverland]

My sister tries to be controlling..and she’s younger lol

I, too, would be mad if someone posted a picture of my newborn before I could. Not four years mad, but still mad.

I have this too. The younger controlling sister. Hard for me not to laugh.

 

[Imzadi]

Dsis was executor of Mom’s estate. She didn’t take any fees. She kept up with all expenses that were incurred

PSSST! One of the "expenses" of the estate is paying the administrator/executor of the estate their fees for BEING the administrator/executor.

She had this whole statement thing typed up. I shooed her away with that and didn’t even look at it, of course I trust her,

Then you didn't look to see what you had signed. There was no trust involved. SHE didn't make these estate laws up. They are in place already and have been that way for decades.

Some people on this thread act like their relative is the only one that has died and administrators/executors can simply make up any rules or laws as they please.
One of the reasons all heirs have to sign off on agreeing who WILL BE the administrator/executor, tight after the death is so that LATER, crazy stuff doesn't come up, a year later WHEN stuff is being properly dispensed per law, and the courts THEN have to get involved. They need to know right away, on the books WHO is the single person appointed & responsible for administrating/executing the estate. They want ONE person responsible on the books. Not the whole Osmond family involved. And not 9 people showing up at a bank either separately or together. (General) you don't think people have already tried everything they can when it comes to the estate? Again, the laws have been formulated and in place for a REASON. The courts have been through all these types of situations already. They have tried to make enough estate laws to cover most of the situations they've ALREADY been through.

And whomever is the Administrator of the estate, when there is no will, doesn't get to DECIDE to divide things up evenly. That is also the law. Again, you act like your sister was being generous. NO, she was following the laws.

 

[Imzadi]

...which was her first mistake.

As I recall, the OP was happy that the sis took over all the paperwork and the estate situation. Not only is there a lot of paperwork, it's all in legalease that is hard to understand. That's why I think the OP signed off on her sister being appointed, but it wasn't in clear cut terms she now remembers. Just at the time, she was so happy her normally controlling sister was willing to "take control" of the estate, and how happy that normally negative trait could now be useful. (Not all being in control is bad. )

Second, do you not think, had the OP or the brother decided they wanted to be the administrator/executor that controlling sister would try to oversee them and STILL control all paperwork & events? She's controling! There is nooo administrator/executor fee large enough get me to administrate with some overbearing, controlling sibling on my tail over every nitpicky thing. We are already seeing the OP can't even choose to have her own hotel room to herself.

 

[robinb]

PSSST! One of the "expenses" of the estate is paying the administrator/executor of the estate their fees for BEING the administrator/executor.

Even though it is common, is not required that the executor/administrator be paid for their time. I am the administrator for my mother's estate and I did not pay myself anything other than my actual expenses.

 

[Skellingtonj]

As I recall, the OP was happy that the sis took over all the paperwork and the estate situation. Not only is there a lot of paperwork, it's all in legalease that is hard to understand. That's why I think the OP signed off on her sister being appointed, but it wasn't in clear cut terms she now remembers. Just at the time, she was so happy her normally controlling sister was willing to "take control" of the estate, and how happy that normally negative trait could now be useful. (Not all being in control is bad. )

Second, do you not think, had the OP or the brother decided they wanted to be the administrator/executor that controlling sister would try to oversee them and STILL control all paperwork & events? She's controling! There is nooo administrator/executor fee large enough get me to administrate with some overbearing, controlling sibling on my tail over every nitpicky thing. We are already seeing the OP can't even choose to have her own hotel room to herself.

That was my point. You would think after a lifetime of this behavior she would say no, let’s hire someone since this seems like a mess. But then she falls all over herself thanking her sister for taking over. I know there was no discussion about who would do it.

But I’m still confused as to how they even had access to his money. He wasn’t in there life for years.

 

[Imzadi]

But I’m still confused as to how they even had access to his money. He wasn’t in there life for years.

If there is no living spouse, the children are automatically the equal heirs, if there is no will. I think it's that way in all states. Doesn't matter if they've seen him or had a relationship with him all this time.

That is why, up until accurate DNA testing was admissible in court, that rich people suddenly had "unknown children" pop up out of the blue, trying to collect a share of the inheritance. Some still try, even though there is DNA testing, hoping there isn't enough DNA of the deceased or that they get lucky with a match. I think the artist known as Prince, has a couple "previously unknown children" pop up vying for a portion of his estate now.

 

[Imzadi]

Even though it is common, is not required that the executor/administrator be paid for their time. I am the administrator for my mother's estate and I did not pay myself anything other than my actual expenses.

I am so not used to hearing about or having sharing, caring, functional family members in estate matters. You and LuvJack's sister are real unicorns.

 

[robinb]

I am so not used to hearing about or having sharing, caring, functional family members in estate matters. You and LuvJack's sister are real unicorns.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I guess I'm another unicorn. I'm one of six kids. We didn't have any problems dealing with my parent's estate, even though they didn't leave a will. Everything was simply divided 6 ways. One of my sisters is deceased. Her DD received her 6th of the estate.

 

[Imzadi]

I guess I'm another unicorn. I'm one of six kids. We didn't have any problems dealing with my parent's estate, even though they didn't leave a will. Everything was simply divided 6 ways. One of my sisters is deceased. Her DD received her 6th of the estate.

I feel like repeating that phrase in the M&Ms commercial where an M&M runs into Santa and Santa says:

"They really DO exist!"

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I feel like repeating that phrase in the M&Ms commercial where an M&M runs into Santa and Santa says:

"They really DO exist!"

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hahaha!!! Imzadi, that's funny!!!

 

[Toolulu22]

I am so not used to hearing about or having sharing, caring, functional family members in estate matters. You and LuvJack's sister are real unicorns.

Not so rare, I think. Maybe the battling families are the ones that drag it out with different attorneys and draw attention and notoriety?

My father died unexpectedly when we were all young adults (I have a sister and brother), and my mom passed 8 years later. Though adults and starting our own families, we felt the losses left a huge hole in our family and it actually brought the three of us closer. My whole perspective on life changed forever. It makes me sad to hear of people fighting over money because you have to think that at some point what happened to their relationships as family?

 

[luvsJack]

PSSST! One of the "expenses" of the estate is paying the administrator/executor of the estate their fees for BEING the administrator/executor.



Then you didn't look to see what you had signed. There was no trust involved. SHE didn't make these estate laws up. They are in place already and have been that way for decades.

Some people on this thread act like their relative is the only one that has died and administrators/executors can simply make up any rules or laws as they please.
One of the reasons all heirs have to sign off on agreeing who WILL BE the administrator/executor, tight after the death is so that LATER, crazy stuff doesn't come up, a year later WHEN stuff is being properly dispensed per law, and the courts THEN have to get involved. They need to know right away, on the books WHO is the single person appointed & responsible for administrating/executing the estate. They want ONE person responsible on the books. Not the whole Osmond family involved. And not 9 people showing up at a bank either separately or together. (General) you don't think people have already tried everything they can when it comes to the estate? Again, the laws have been formulated and in place for a REASON. The courts have been through all these types of situations already. They have tried to make enough estate laws to cover most of the situations they've ALREADY been through.

And whomever is the Administrator of the estate, when there is no will, doesn't get to DECIDE to divide things up evenly. That is also the law. Again, you act like your sister was being generous. NO, she was following the laws.

Pssst. We talk daily. We discussed any expenses. I already knew what was in the accounts and how much the insurance policies were. There was no payment made to her. I can add and subtract, it’s not that hard. The only expense was meeting with a lawyer and a small amount to a CPA.

I didn’t say she was being generous. Mom’s will spelled it out. The money was to be split evenly.l and that is what happened. Also we didn’t sign anything, the will named her as executor. My brother and I would have signed it and we would have wanted her to do it anyway. She did type of the statement but I didn’t sign it nor did she ask me to.

My mother HAD a will, which I said. My father didn’t have a will. Either read or get off the high horse.

 

[luvsJack]

oh my-i hope your sister has REALLY researched this because if the exemption is the same senior as one offered in our area once the property is either sold/transferred OR the assessor's office finds out your mom has passed not only will the previously exempted taxes from the day after her death to now have to be repaid-here's there a 100% penalty ON TOP for failing to report the death.

the senior exemption program here (and many other places) requires the senior to be living in the home, and while there are ways to retain the exemption when/if the person goes into nursing care or assisted living-death immediately cancels eligibility (unless a surviving spouse or domestic partner meets the eligibility criteria on their own).

if she hasn't checked on this she may want to before more penalties could accrue.

The land in question will belong to my brother. He checked into it or so he said. Mine and my sister’s land was originally part of the same parcel but was deeded to us years ago.

He took her death certificate to the tax accessors office. So I don’t know. Hopefully he knows what he is talking about.

 

[Shanti]

OP here. I haven't followed this thread since checking out last week, but thought those who had shown concern and given advice might like to hear how everything actually went. I got back from the trip last night. Here are the basics:

• Things had been pretty tense between my siblings and myself by the time I arrived at the airport to fly to California. My sister was hurt, thinking that my decisions were related to not liking her. When I had time alone with her I assured her that was not the case, and that it was just a preference, and I hadn't understood why they felt the need to try to control me. She accepted that & everything normalized between me and her from that point. My brother was civil but not very warm. He never apologized for insulting me before the trip, and seemed irritated by me at times, but he seemed irritated by my sister at times, too. Oh well.

• Me driving my own rental car and staying at my own lodging caused zero logistical problems during the trip. In fact, my rental car was helpful to my sister, as my brother left early on the last day, so I drove my sister around after that. We had a nice time touring the local museums and botanical gardens together. And yes, at that point she complained to me about how my brother's driving had been throughout the trip, that he'd kept trying to navigate the city by looking at his phone while driving, and not letting her help...

• The logistics of getting into the safe deposit box & accounts all worked during the trip. The safe deposit box contained some cash, coins, travelers' checks, and savings bonds. My parents' divorce decree was also in there (my mother already has a copy, so it wasn't a find), but no will.

• We spent most of the rest of the trip traveling to different banks that he had accounts at, closing the accounts and withdrawing the money. Doing so required a death certificate and notarized affadavits for each bank. We also stopped by the nursing home where my father had lived at the end of his life, and arranged to receive the remaining funds he'd had there. We also prepared and notarized more forms, so that we'll be able to liquidate the travelers' checks and savings bonds.

• We met with a California attorney acquaintance of my sister's who has been informally advising my sister on how to proceed through this process throughout the past year. She stated that probate really wasn't necessary for this case, even though the total amount we were recovering from the estate exceeded California's technical threshhold for that ($150,000). But the total amount did not exceed it by more than 10%, and it was not recovered all at the same time, but rather was recovered in drips throughout the past few months, as we discovered more & more info. So although the strict letter of the law would say to do probate, the spirit wasn't being violated as we didn't come into this money all at once, we put the info about his death out as required, we had waited several months after his death before getting any money, we had proactively paid our father's debts, and we were the only heirs and we were all in agreement about splitting the money. So no legal issues to worry about.

• The trip was financially worth about $5,000 per person to us. The best thing about it, though, is knowing that this whole process is ending, and that my relationship with my sister is still positive.

• Thanks, everyone!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Glad you and your sister had some good moments together, Shanti!

 

[Toolulu22]

Glad things worked out and thanks for posting your outcome

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am so glad to hear the positive update!!!!
Your sister ended up being more understanding after all !!!!

 

[amberpi]

Sounds like a nice and productive trip!