Dating question: Is it weird or creepy to ask someone out at a public place like the local gym or grocery store?

[Buzz Rules]

I wish society would mind their own business. If it’s okay for a man to date a woman twenty years younger, it should be fine for a woman to do the same. I am such a poor judge of how old someone is that I could easily fall for someone much older or much younger, and if we are compatible our respective ages shouldn’t matter (barring an adult dating a minor of course, which is wrong).

Do you think women in their early 40’s are afraid to ask out men in their 30’s due to the societal stigma or because they just have a fear of being rejected?

 

[fla4fun]

Do you think women in their early 40’s are afraid to ask out men in their 30’s due to the societal stigma or because they just have a fear of being rejected?

I think it’s different based on the individual and their experience. I ended up dating someone younger for a while because I didn’t find out his age right away. I mean, it’s not really one of those questions that comes up on a first date, unless you need to know if they’re legal in a bar or something.

I think there are a lot of women who do fear rejection, just like men do. Men have had to deal with that for years, and it’s only been in the last decade or so where women are going through the same thing. No one really likes being rejected, especially when it’s something as personal as a date. It’s just the risk a person has to accept if they really want the date.

That is why I think it is important to connect with someone through conversation before making the attempt to ask them out, and not take it personally if they say no when you ask. Respect the No. There could be many reasons why a person says no, and 99% of them have nothing to do with the person asking. But I still think it’s worth taking a chance. If you don’t ask, you will never know what could have been . . .

 

[Buzz Rules]

I think it’s different based on the individual and their experience. I ended up dating someone younger for a while because I didn’t find out his age right away. I mean, it’s not really one of those questions that comes up on a first date, unless you need to know if they’re legal in a bar or something.

I think there are a lot of women who do fear rejection, just like men do. Men have had to deal with that for years, and it’s only been in the last decade or so where women are going through the same thing. No one really likes being rejected, especially when it’s something as personal as a date. It’s just the risk a person has to accept if they really want the date.

That is why I think it is important to connect with someone through conversation before making the attempt to ask them out, and not take it personally if they say no when you ask. Respect the No. There could be many reasons why a person says no, and 99% of them have nothing to do with the person asking. But I still think it’s worth taking a chance. If you don’t ask, you will never know what could have been . . .

As a guy, I believe most of us fully respect a woman’s no response the first time. I think what can hurt more then the rejection itself is the tone in which the no is said (ex. condescendingly).

 

[disneychrista]

Shouldn't it be baby steps first? Certainly meeting new people at public places has been thing since forever, but I'd think maybe a phone number first and then some conversations (even messages these days) before getting to the point of talking about a date.

I disagree having extended conversations/messaging before going on a date. It is a much easier for someone to hide who they are when talking on the phone or messaging/texting. It is much easier to get a true sense of who a person is when having conversations in person.

 

[bsmcneil]

I met someone at the grocery store. She asked my opinion on a brand, and that led to a nice conversation.

We dated for a year before she moved to another state for a better job. She asked me to move with her, but I really liked the job I had.

She didn’t think a long distance relationship would work, so that was that.

I met my wife at a “drinking establishment” in another state. We had a long distance relationship before getting married. Been married for 30 years now.

So I guess long distance relationships can work.

Wait, so was it not really a drinking establishment?!

 

[Jangles]

False accusations are wrong.

On the other hand, we unfortunately live in a world where sometimes men ask women on dates and refuse to take no for an answer, going so far as finding out their work location to ask again, or trying to follow them home, or various other “persistent” methods. So I don’t blame people for being hesitant when approached when running errands or at the gym. (Yes, I know, not all men.)

And vice versa.

 

[Mysterian]

At the bookstore, you write your number and an inscription on the back cover of a best seller. Drop it in her purse when she isn't looking. As she sets off the alarm as she exits the store, she removes the book and reads your inscription: "Your beauty sets off alarms in my heart!".

Then you both enjoy lunch in the food court, after she's completed her interrogation by mall security. It's a date!

 

[GreatLakes]

Was any of this post #metoo?

It was all prior but unless you are in a position of authority over the person you are asking out or don't take no for an answer it shouldn't matter. "I was asked out by someone that wasn't a boss or coworker, said no, and he went about his day never bothering me again" isn't really something you saw a lot of with #metoo.

 

[DLgal]

At the bookstore, you write your number and an inscription on the back cover of a best seller. Drop it in her purse when she isn't looking. As she sets off the alarm as she exits the store, she removes the book and reads your inscription: "Your beauty sets off alarms in my heart!".

Then you both enjoy lunch in the food court, after she's completed her interrogation by mall security. It's a date!

Do you write for the Hallmark channel?

 

[Mysterian]

Do you write for the Hallmark channel?

Lifetime Network. I ghost wrote more Meredith Baxter Birney teleplays than you can shake a remote at.

 

[sam_gordon]

False accusations are wrong.

On the other hand, we unfortunately live in a world where sometimes men ask women on dates and refuse to take no for an answer, going so far as finding out their work location to ask again, or trying to follow them home, or various other “persistent” methods. So I don’t blame people for being hesitant when approached when running errands or at the gym. (Yes, I know, not all men.)

If I were currently dating, I'd be concerned about misreading the signs, and the woman deciding a "no" is not enough (even though I listened and obeyed) and deciding to cause problems. Yes, it can happen and did to someone I know.

Yes, I know you (general) are supposed to ask about every step...
Can I hold your hand?
Can I put my hand on the small of your back?
Can I kiss you?
Can I put my hand on your thigh?
Can I put my hand... etc, etc, etc.

I can't picture a bigger mood killer.

There was a scene in Picket Fences (ended in '95?) that showcased that. I think it was Picket Fences, I just rewatched the series a month or so ago. I can't find a clip unfortunately.

 

[DLgal]

If I were currently dating, I'd be concerned about misreading the signs, and the woman deciding a "no" is not enough (even though I listened and obeyed) and deciding to cause problems. Yes, it can happen and did to someone I know.

Yes, I know you (general) are supposed to ask about every step...
Can I hold your hand?
Can I put my hand on the small of your back?
Can I kiss you?
Can I put my hand on your thigh?
Can I put my hand... etc, etc, etc.

I can't picture a bigger mood killer.

There was a scene in Picket Fences (ended in '95?) that showcased that. I think it was Picket Fences, I just rewatched the series a month or so ago. I can't find a clip unfortunately.

I'm sorry, but this is a bit much. I'm glad I am not trying to date in this world. I feel like if you are on a date, and that is understood by BOTH parties, a certain level of intimacy should be expected and any problem surrounding that should be brought up and discussed beforehand. Certainly if there is a history of past assault or abuse, that should be communicated in advance, so that the other party can know to ask and wait for consent before any contact.

 

[nancipants]

If I were currently dating, I'd be concerned about misreading the signs, and the woman deciding a "no" is not enough (even though I listened and obeyed) and deciding to cause problems. Yes, it can happen and did to someone I know.

Yes, I know you (general) are supposed to ask about every step...
Can I hold your hand?
Can I put my hand on the small of your back?
Can I kiss you?
Can I put my hand on your thigh?
Can I put my hand... etc, etc, etc.

I can't picture a bigger mood killer.

There was a scene in Picket Fences (ended in '95?) that showcased that. I think it was Picket Fences, I just rewatched the series a month or so ago. I can't find a clip unfortunately.

And a lot of women I know have been harassed and stalked. I’m not sure what your point is?

I’m also not going to get into an argument about consent but yes, it is imperative and should be enthusiastic.

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm sorry, but this is a bit much. I'm glad I am not trying to date in this world. I feel like if you are on a date, and that is understood by BOTH parties, a certain level of intimacy should be expected and any problem surrounding that should be brought up and discussed beforehand. Certainly if there is a history of past assault or abuse, that should be communicated in advance, so that the other party can know to ask and wait for consent before any contact.

I agree.

 

[sam_gordon]

And a lot of women I know have been harassed and stalked. I’m not sure what your point is?

I’m also not going to get into an argument about consent but yes, it is imperative and should be enthusiastic.

My point is simply the "other side". I never said women haven't been harassed and stalked. SOME women will take things to extreme and despite her "no" being respected and adhered to will still cause problems for the guy.

Of course, this can happen in reverse too.

 

[DLgal]

My point is simply the "other side". I never said women haven't been harassed and stalked. SOME women will take things to extreme and despite her "no" being respected and adhered to will still cause problems for the guy.

Of course, this can happen in reverse too.

It's a tricky issue. Some people DO lie and make up false accusations for attention (I literally know more than one person who has done this recently, including a 16 year old). But people should also feel confident that when they DO make these accusations, they will be believed.

I do firmly disagree with "believe all women," simply because of my personal knowledge of women who have lied about this just to cause issues for a man they did not like. In one case, the lie was proven immediately with video surveillance. The accused was nowhere in sight where he had been claimed to be during this so called "attack." This happened at a high school. This girl admitted to her parents that she had lied. That young man could have had his whole future affected by this baseless accusation had it gone further and there was no video evidence to clear him of wrongdoing.

 

[Buzz Rules]

It was all prior but unless you are in a position of authority over the person you are asking out or don't take no for an answer it shouldn't matter. "I was asked out by someone that wasn't a boss or coworker, said no, and he went about his day never bothering me again" isn't really something you saw a lot of with #metoo.

I asked because there is more of second guessing now in dating I think due to the movement. Not that what the movement is promoting is a bad thing (most on here would agree with it entirely). But when on a date in today’s world, what was seen as classic genuine romantic gestures (ex. putting an arm around the date’s shoulder when sitting in a movie theater), are going to happen a lot less sporadically due to fear of a law suit.

 

[sam_gordon]

It's a tricky issue. Some people DO lie and make up false accusations for attention (I literally know more than one person who has done this recently, including a 16 year old). But people should also feel confident that when they DO make these accusations, they will be believed.

I do firmly disagree with "believe all women," simply because of my personal knowledge of women who have lied about this just to cause issues for a man they did not like. In one case, the lie was proven immediately with video surveillance. The accused was nowhere in sight where he had been claimed to be during this so called "attack." This happened at a high school. This girl admitted to her parents that she had lied. That young man could have had his whole future affected by this baseless accusation had it gone further and there was no video evidence to clear him of wrongdoing.

Oh, definitely. I'm just pointing out why (out of the MANY reasons) I'm glad I'm not dating. If (for example) you and I are on a date and I try to kiss you (or put hands somewhere you didn't want), you rebuff the kiss, I respect that, you could still claim I sexually assaulted you.

Now, does that mean I think women should "just take it"? Absolutely not. But things definitely aren't clear cut. And asking permission for every step that "elevates" things seems very strange also.

 

[Buzz Rules]

And a lot of women I know have been harassed and stalked. I’m not sure what your point is?

I’m also not going to get into an argument about consent but yes, it is imperative and should be enthusiastic.

I agree that consent is vital in any relationship and should respected percent of the time. But dates can start to feel like business meetings if no sporadic romantic things are allowed to occur as well.

 

[Buzz Rules]

Lifetime Network. I ghost wrote more Meredith Baxter Birney teleplays than you can shake a remote at.

I was thinking the Romantic Ghost Stories Network….