Exhausted from parenting/ASD children/Welcome to Schmolland!

[toodycat]

Wow, that is terrific news. You must be so proud and excited. Our kids do what they need to do when they feel ready and it is so gratifying to experience. My guy didn't talk in school at all until he was over 5. Congratulations!

 

[toodycat]

Hi. I have a new question. This is the first year that DS won't be attending some sort of day or sleepaway camp. DS is done with his junior year of high school and is taking a college course at a local university for 3 hours per day. That leaves the rest of the day to sit in his room on his computer. He does go to fencing, karate and guitar lessons, but he does not socialize at all. He says he never feels lonely, but I don't feel good about his spending 8-10 hours a day in his room online. DS has some virtual friendships with people who share his interest in video gaming, but that is it. He gets along with kids in his class and in the anime and tech clubs at his school, but will not contact them outside of school. I suspect they are as shy as DS is, so they don't contact him. I wanted DS to go to a GRASP group for teens today on relationships (Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership) because I thought he might relate to what the kids there have to say. His therapist was on board with this idea as well. He is refusing because he says he doesn't feel the same as other autistic kids and he thinks he is "handling" his autism. (DH is backing up DS's opinion.) In fairness to DS, he does seem like a fairly typical teen and most people tell me they would never have guessed that he is on the spectrum at this point. They just think he's quiet. In the past, I have signed him up for socialization groups that were helpful and attended by kids who were similar, but there have been a couple of groups in which the other kids were obviously far more disabled than he was and he felt uncomfortable as a result. That is why he is avoiding the GRASP group, even though he's never been there. DH thinks we should try to involve him in volunteer work, but there don't seem to be many opportunities in our community during the summer. I don't believe DS is employable yet, in spite of his presenting like someone neurotypical most of the time. Furthermore, he is still working on his driver's license. Every other summer DS has made amazing strides which I have attributed, at least partially, to the forced socialization opportunities at summer camp. I don't want this to be the summer that he turns into a hermit. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks.

 

[toodycat]

Ironically, almost all of the summer volunteer opportunities for teens around here involve mentoring kids with autism.

 

[bookwormde]

So why not have him mentor some younger kids on the spectrum (who still have major challenges). Who better to help them and he might gain a new perpective himself.

 

[toodycat]

Do you think that would work? Although he's very good at behaving appropriately, I'm not so sure that he's good at explaining how or why he does it. He does help DH when he instructs kids with developmental disabilities in martial arts. Maybe he can build on those skills.

 

[toodycat]

Hi, all. Hope everyone is doing well. DS's doctor recommended we leave DS alone. He says he wouldn't be good at volunteer work with autistic kids and that since he seems happy and not particularly bothered by his ASD, we should let him be and not force him into the GRASP group. Dr. says a support group implies a problem and DS doesn't see anything about his life as problematic. Since we backed off about it, DS seems calmer. Also, he is getting to his college course early and studying with the other guys in the class before the quizzes. I was really pleased that he was able to mix so quickly, since the course is only three weeks long and it often takes him longer to get to his comfort zone.

 

[pls5286]

Hi all! I know it has been a while since I have posted an update but we have been super busy and I paid dearly for it!

DSS does wonderfully when we have him! We were actually able to leave him and my DD with my son for a few hours while we ran an important errand about two weeks ago and Sean had no problems with him!

We have done 2 weeks of Cub Scout Day Camp and except for one day, he did really well. The last day, he gave us a run for our money, literally. He tried to run away and he and Dani got into a big argument, etc. Poor Sean was so frazzled after having to chase him down because I can't, but I think he was just over stimulated. We went and laid down and I rubbed his back for about 45 min in a dark quiet room and he finally settled.

We tried VBS but he caught a stomach virus, so he only went 2 nights. The first night he said he wanted me to go with him, then after 5 min he told me I could go to my class! Major improvement for him because neither Sean or Dani were with him.

The third week of Day camp was a no-go because I ended up in the hospital....Just like my drs said I would, and unfortunately the two younger kids had to be split up because we had no one to keep them both while DF was at work. The oldest was already at church camp so he wasn't an option, plus I think 12 hours would have been too much on him, As much as we did not want to, we had to let dss go to his moms. My grandmother, who is 75 kept dd while DF worked but could not handle a behavior challenged child.

He loves his mom, but comes back so off kilter it is scary. This time he came home with fleas and no meds for 3 days because they would not go pick them up. I swear it is ridiculous that we are the only ones that can do stuff for this child!!!!

I am glad that my drs have gottem my condition stabilized now and I am feeling better than I have in months. The stress of the way his mom has been doing and this summer really got to me and along with my other health problems took its toll and I over did it. My doctors warned me a week before I was admitted that it would happen. But I am better now and adjusting to my new meds.

 

[NotUrsula]

Hi. I have a new question. This is the first year that DS won't be attending some sort of day or sleepaway camp. DS is done with his junior year of high school and is taking a college course at a local university for 3 hours per day. That leaves the rest of the day to sit in his room on his computer. He does go to fencing, karate and guitar lessons, but he does not socialize at all. He says he never feels lonely, but I don't feel good about his spending 8-10 hours a day in his room online. DS has some virtual friendships with people who share his interest in video gaming, but that is it. He gets along with kids in his class and in the anime and tech clubs at his school, but will not contact them outside of school. I suspect they are as shy as DS is, so they don't contact him. I wanted DS to go to a GRASP group for teens today on relationships (Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership) because I thought he might relate to what the kids there have to say. His therapist was on board with this idea as well. He is refusing because he says he doesn't feel the same as other autistic kids and he thinks he is "handling" his autism. (DH is backing up DS's opinion.) In fairness to DS, he does seem like a fairly typical teen and most people tell me they would never have guessed that he is on the spectrum at this point. They just think he's quiet. In the past, I have signed him up for socialization groups that were helpful and attended by kids who were similar, but there have been a couple of groups in which the other kids were obviously far more disabled than he was and he felt uncomfortable as a result. That is why he is avoiding the GRASP group, even though he's never been there. DH thinks we should try to involve him in volunteer work, but there don't seem to be many opportunities in our community during the summer. I don't believe DS is employable yet, in spite of his presenting like someone neurotypical most of the time. Furthermore, he is still working on his driver's license. Every other summer DS has made amazing strides which I have attributed, at least partially, to the forced socialization opportunities at summer camp. I don't want this to be the summer that he turns into a hermit. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks.

Toody, when did my DS move in with you? Seriously, we seem to just about have the same kid, except mine must be a year or so younger. He's 3 days from the end of his last day camp program, and he also will simply glue himself to a computer for days on end if we let him. (His current fixation is Portal2.)

He is also resistant to groups because he really doesn't deal well with kids who are still prone to meltdowns; he considers them very "other", so to speak, and resents the implication that he might be like them. We've got a new group here that I want to get him into, but there is a HUGE waiting list. This one is specifically for fully-mainstream high school kids, and is a social outing group. It's run by an occupational therapy professor at one of our local medical schools; she has her students go places with the ASD kids and intervene to coach them on social interactions as they happen. (Apparently, the most common questions have to do with how to successfully chat up girls. )

Our compromise is that we do let him have his comfort zone on the computer for a couple of weeks at a time, but he'll be volunteering off and on to break that up; he has a school requirement to do so, so it's kind of tough noogies if he doesn't want to. The other thing we have done is to buy him a transit pass so that he can go to the community pool to swim on his own; he meets up with classmates from school or camp there occasionally. (He doesn't contact classmates outside of school, either, but he does monitor their FB pages, so most of the time he knows where they are likely to be found if he wants to find them.)

 

[toodycat]

Toody, when did my DS move in with you? Seriously, we seem to just about have the same kid, except mine must be a year or so younger. He's 3 days from the end of his last day camp program, and he also will simply glue himself to a computer for days on end if we let him. (His current fixation is Portal2.)

He is also resistant to groups because he really doesn't deal well with kids who are still prone to meltdowns; he considers them very "other", so to speak, and resents the implication that he might be like them. We've got a new group here that I want to get him into, but there is a HUGE waiting list. This one is specifically for fully-mainstream high school kids, and is a social outing group. It's run by an occupational therapy professor at one of our local medical schools; she has her students go places with the ASD kids and intervene to coach them on social interactions as they happen. (Apparently, the most common questions have to do with how to successfully chat up girls. )

Our compromise is that we do let him have his comfort zone on the computer for a couple of weeks at a time, but he'll be volunteering off and on to break that up; he has a school requirement to do so, so it's kind of tough noogies if he doesn't want to. The other thing we have done is to buy him a transit pass so that he can go to the community pool to swim on his own; he meets up with classmates from school or camp there occasionally. (He doesn't contact classmates outside of school, either, but he does monitor their FB pages, so most of the time he knows where they are likely to be found if he wants to find them.)

NotUrsula---That is too funny. We have Portal2! DS loved it, but has now moved on to the Persona games. DS is just about done with his college course. The second course he's taking is also in audio engineering, but it won't require as much work outside of school...more time for video games and hanging out online. I wish DS had interest in his classmates' FB pages. He has an account but never uses it. He is more interested in Twitter, but the people he follows aren't friends. They are gamers with similar interests, but of all different ages and from all over the country. I've been trying to get him out of the house with me. I took him to the movies earlier in the week and we're taking him to a churruscuria on Saturday night. A video game center is opening in the middle of our town. I suggested he consider applying for a job when it starts up. He didn't say no, which in DS' case is the equivalent of an emphatic "yes."

 

[NotUrsula]

NotUrsula---That is too funny. We have Portal2! DS loved it, but has now moved on to the Persona games. DS is just about done with his college course. The second course he's taking is also in audio engineering, but it won't require as much work outside of school...more time for video games and hanging out online. I wish DS had interest in his classmates' FB pages. He has an account but never uses it. He is more interested in Twitter, but the people he follows aren't friends. They are gamers with similar interests, but of all different ages and from all over the country. I've been trying to get him out of the house with me. I took him to the movies earlier in the week and we're taking him to a churruscuria on Saturday night. A video game center is opening in the middle of our town. I suggested he consider applying for a job when it starts up. He didn't say no, which in DS' case is the equivalent of an emphatic "yes."

Well, DS doesn't really use FB the way that NT kids do; he just sort of lurks to make sure that he isn't taken by surprise if someone decides to make fun of him online. It cracks me up that some kids he emphathetically does NOT get along with have asked to "friend" him -- at first he was going to refuse, but I pointed out that old strategy of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.

(On the way home from camp a couple of days ago we had a telling discussion of the concept of a frenemy. At first he just kept harping on it being an oxymoron, until I reminded him of a few betrayals he's been the victim of in the past. Ah, the light dawns...)

 

[Clochette nordique]

(On the way home from camp a couple of days ago we had a telling discussion of the concept of a frenemy. At first he just kept harping on it being an oxymoron, until I reminded him of a few betrayals he's been the victim of in the past. Ah, the light dawns...)

First time I see this "frenemy" word and I like the concept of it. Now, to teach it to DD11 is another story. But at least, we have a word to start with. Thanks for sharing it!

Poussière de fée!

 

[CFandAutism]

Imagine that mother's life - and her kid has Cystic Fibrosis too - and she works full-time - and her husband tried to kill himself recently - that's me!

 

[Clochette nordique]

Imagine that mother's life - and her kid has Cystic Fibrosis too - and she works full-time - and her husband tried to kill himself recently - that's me!

"That mother" may need to keep sharing and never, ever, stay alone with that much of a load. Schmolland is big enough for her too.

Poussière de fée!

 

[toodycat]

Hi, everyone. Just touching base. Everything here is fine. DS finished his college course. I would guess he got around a B. Now he's taking another course, but it is not for credit. It just for high schoolers to enjoy. Some of the material in the new course overlaps the college course, so he's already familiar with it. DS told me that in class he's staying quiet when he knows the answer "to give the other kids a chance to learn."

 

[dunbarfamily]

I haven't read this whole thread, but as a parent of a child with ADD, I want to give everyone that is exhausted from parenting a differently-abled child a big group hug. I wish you all peace.

 

[Clochette nordique]

I haven't read this whole thread, but as a parent of a child with ADD, I want to give everyone that is exhausted from parenting a differently-abled child a big group hug. I wish you all peace.

You're more than welcome to visit Schmolland anytime! We don't have a lot of visit, many people are still afraid it could be contagious. So your salutation is refreshing. Thank you! And big grouphug from us to you too!

Poussière de fée!

 

[luvmylittleboy2003]

We found out this week ds 8 has aspergers, it always been suspected and he had previosly fallen under the PDD NOS. He currently takes focalin xr and inutiv because of ADHD, now they are looking at possible zoloft or resperdol for anxiety and aggressiveness . I hate all the meds, and fought so long not to use them, but it became very apparent not being on them was doing way more damage because of his impulsiveness, hyperactivity, sensory need to crash into and touch other kids, etc. I'm moving on past his regular doctor to a psyc who I feel can better manage the meds. He is way behind in speech but excels at school. I'm also going to look into speech and occupational therapy along with whatever therapies they find necessary and have started the process here in KY for the Melissa P.

 

[toodycat]

Hi, everyone. I just wanted to stop by to share something that happened to DS that I should have seen coming and warned him about. Luckily, nothing bad happened, but it is an issue you won't see covered in socialization groups. Since I think I have one of the older kids on this board, I figured I'd share. The topic is recreational drug use. I don't mean our kids using because most ASD kids, with their rigid sense of right and wrong, are not likely to use any kind of illicit substance. However, not using and not knowing how to handle a situation are two different things.
To wit: DS is taking a course for high school students at a local college this summer. There are about 10 kids in the class. On the first day during the break, two of the guys asked the others who wanted to smoke some weed. Nobody else did. DS answered, "No, because my mother would kill me." (I told him a simple no would suffice, though he's not wrong. I would kill him.) The two guys went outside to smoke and the other kids stayed inside. When the two who left returned, they were blasted. DS said they were acting crazy, goofing around and making the class unteachable for the two instructors. The class was divided into two groups with DS in one room with some other kids and one instructor and the two under-the-influence boys, some other kids and the second instructor in another room. DS's group could hear the two guys acting ridiculous. His teacher was kidding around and said, "Wow. I wonder what was in their drinks at lunch?" DS,not viewing the question as rhetorical and trying to be helpful, said, "Well, they did go outside to smoke." Another kid tried to cover by saying, "That's why they reek of cigarettes." Because it was a college course and the instructor is just there to teach and not to call parents, the issue was not dealt with outside of the class. As far as DS knows, his comment did not get back to the two stoners. However, had DS provided that same answer to a teacher in a high school class, he would have been the administration's main witness in getting those kids suspended or expelled and he would have been labelled a snitch and likely harassed and/or beaten up.
I am really glad he told me the whole story because it opened up a dialogue for us in terms of:
1. what other kids do is not your business and you have no reason to volunteer that sort of information.
2. other kids are going to do stuff you wouldn't. Don't judge them; just don't do what they do.
3. if someone you have nothing in common with wants to be your friend just so they can have someone else to get high with, they are not really your friend. If someone you have something in common with drinks or smokes weed outside of school, but knows you don't, respects your position and never does that stuff around you or pressures you to try it, they are a real friend.
4. teachers and police see bad behavior in a group and can't differentiate. They have to discipline the whole group. If you are with kids who have drugs and stopped, you will be included in the punishment, even if you didn't use the drugs and weren't planning on using them.
5. Some kids will try to get revenge on anyone who informs on them. It is not your job to police your classmates. You could get hurt by trying to do a teacher/principal's job.
I know none of us want our kids in classes with kids who use drugs, but the fact is that they are out there and more and more difficult to avoid as kids get older. I am not sure how the teacher handled it, but DS says the class has been calm every other day. He also said the guys did go out to smoke one more time, but he didn't say anything.

 

[NotUrsula]

Oh, yeah, BTDT. DS is absolutely awful about being a vocal prig. He's in Catholic school, which doesn't help, b/c all of the morality discussions in religion class get internalized in a very black and white way.

We've had LOTS of discussions about not badgering other people about their behavior or ratting them out when he has no personal stake. He wants friends, but he just doesn't understand that no one wants to associate with Judgey McJudgerson, even when he's RIGHT ... [sigh] I don't worry about him getting involved with illicit substances, but I do worry, a LOT, about him getting his tail kicked again for failing to keep his judgements to himself.

Last night I had to go to the mandatory "how to know if your kid is a junkie" speech the school district does, and I just kept thinking over and over again how so many of those "rules of thumb" are just useless with Aspies.

 

[Clochette nordique]

Thank you very much Toodycat. It's been greatly appreciated.

Poussière de fée!