Our oldest DS is 18 and lives on campus at college about an hour away, and comes home some weekends. When he’s home I feel we are pretty flexible regarding him seeing friends, hanging out and generally dictating for himself things he wants to do. We do though have certain expectations of him to do some activities with the family (or just spending some time at home), and we have curfews (sort of, we aren’t super strict if a bit late).
I feel though he’s been less and less cooperative and only wanting to do exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. When I was in college and I came home it basically like I was back under my parents rule again and I wasn’t fully autonomous until I got married and moved out.
I feel like we aren’t as strict as my parents were, but I’m starting to feel by his reactions that he wants to be able to do his own thing without any resistance from us. He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house? How much independence do your kids have when they’re home from college? I feel like of the things we do ask of him that we might sound (to him) like we’re nagging a lot.
You mention having "certain expectations" a few times. None of us can tell you whether those are realistic since you didn't detail what those expectations are, but definitely worth defining those expectations very clearly in your home.
I bolded a few items that stuck out that I think are what need further clarification. (Obviously, you don't need to justify yourself to us random strangers on the internet, so no need to list your expectations on this thread. But, even if you don't share here, I think these would be helpful for you to discuss in detail with your partner as well as your son to make sure you are on the same page.)
Regarding curfews, your child being "less cooperative", and potential "nagging". I assume these are part of the expectations you mentioned. Perhaps it would be worth thinking through your expectations in detail and exactly
why you expect them. Are there particular practical reasons? Is it just the way you have always done things? How you think parents and children are supposed to interact?
You say you're not as strict as your parents (you were "under their rule" until you were married), but just because you are
less strict does not necessarily mean that you're still not too strict. It could be that your upbringing is influencing what you think are "normal" expectations for an adult child. My parents were extremely strict, so my siblings think they are lenient parents by comparison, but they are still way more controlling and have much different expectations with their children than what I do with mine (25, 20, and about to turn 18).
When you think through each of your expectations, you may find that some are unnecessary or unhealthy and you can let those go. Those that you deem to be essential, you will have a clear understanding of exactly why you feel they are important and can communicate that clearly with your son. It could be that he simply didn't really know exactly what your expectations were or he may have been hesitant to comply because he didn't understand the reason behind it.