In search of my body...not the one I ate! Part Deux... We sit at the popular table!

[goofyfan-12]

I know that this is hollow right now, but honestly, at least you know now that the guy is a jerk, and not after investing more time and effort in him.

I used to online date a lot back in the day... I usually found about 1 good one out of every 15 or so bad ones, and that was only meaning "good" in that the guy wasn't a jerk. I did wind up finding a few boyfriends out of it, though, including a previous engagement. So you *can* find someone that way, but, be sure to protect your expectations. I always approached it as a possibility of making new friends, and maybe getting a nice meal out of it, and if anything more happened, great. Otherwise, well, at least I tried.

Anyhow, good for you for not drowing your sorrows in food. I am so proud of you!

I don't know how people do this whole dating thing... I put myself out there once, get crushed and all I want to do is hide in a hole somewhere. I am beginning to wonder if it is all worth it... Of course, then I see how happy couples are and I know I want to be one of those couples. It is an evil cycle of emotional ups and downs. I just need to get thicker skin for the down cycles without letting myself turn into a cynic...

So here is proof that @ssholes are @ssholes in all aspects of life...Treyner can't buy a prom date and he is a cutie...and you had a guy miss out on the most amazing woman he will ever meet. Maybe there is a reason...
#1 He sent a pic of a good looking guy and was afraid you would laugh when he showed up looking like Lyle Loveitt
#2 He zipped his hoohobber in his pants in his hurry to get to you and since he only had 2 inches..it was imparitive the 1 inch that got lobbed off was superglued back on...right now he is bending over trying to blowdry the glue...
#3 He had a queasy stomach in anxious desire to see you...thought he would pass gas and oops... gas wasn't what came out...so he drove home...got stuck in traffic smelling like poo...
#4 He was picking his nose and voila,,,,got it caught on his nose ring and did not want your first meeting to be with his finger up his nose...

Other than that...no excuses...I will kick his @ss for you/with back up from a 6'6 Grump and a 6'2 white soccer player who can punt a ball 100 yards and this guy better start looking for his nuts in Brooklyn after Treyner gets done with him.......
Really...I am not kidding...there better be a herpes outbreak or a death involved...otherwise...give me his online name...and I will make him think Cindy Crawford is waiting for him at the Mall of America...and then...at a hotel rom I will take him...where Kat will jump out with her new shoulder pads...and her techniques of throwdown...and he is a gonner...DWD will give him a pig poop enema, 3Dis will hynotise him into thinking he is a rat and must crawl on all 4's, Sept. Girl will write his obit...and we will spend his inheritance at Disney in December...

(dissclaimer...if he is really dead...I was with Dan from 3:45 p.m. Central time on...look at Chbc and Bird...they were with Pixie and Believin and those girls are just naughty... ....okay...just kidding....on some stuff...it was Bryan...look to previous post for proof...who is dumb enough to write their participation in a crime before it happens...ahemmmm..coughhh..sputter..oj...wheez....spittle)



Dawn - thanks for making me laugh... I needed that this morning....

I need a friend too...

You know you have one here...

Goof

 

[HockeyKat]

I don't know how people do this whole dating thing... I put myself out there once, get crushed and all I want to do is hide in a hole somewhere. I am beginning to wonder if it is all worth it... Of course, then I see how happy couples are and I know I want to be one of those couples. It is an evil cycle of emotional ups and downs. I just need to get thicker skin for the down cycles without letting myself turn into a cynic...

You know you have one here...

Goof

Ok, I am going to put myself out there a bit here, so be gentle, please.

I guess I am a cynic. 8 jobs, 3 layoffs, multiple betrayals and breakups later (including friendships), at 32, I don't trust anyone but myself. I do love my husband, don't get me wrong, but if he decided tomorrow that I am not worth his time, I will hide in a hole for a while, lick my wounds, brush myself off, and get back out there. Same with my job. I assume that sometime in the next year or two, my bank will merge with another, or decide I am expendable, and I will be out on my ear.

I live my life assuming that the worst is going to happen to me, and am surprised when things go well. Maybe that has kept me from some good opportunities, but it has certainly helped with my coping skills.

I am a person who feels too much, and it just winds up hurting me, so I have build up a thick hard shell. You can get underneath, but you darn well better be worth it.

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

I don't know how people do this whole dating thing... I put myself out there once, get crushed and all I want to do is hide in a hole somewhere. I am beginning to wonder if it is all worth it... Of course, then I see how happy couples are and I know I want to be one of those couples. It is an evil cycle of emotional ups and downs. I just need to get thicker skin for the down cycles without letting myself turn into a cynic...

You know you have one here...

Goof

Goof, I don't know how people do the dating thing either. Sounds like torture to me. And I think after schooling, it's hard to find someone. I guess the hardest part would be not to take it personal. Easier said than done.

I think it's great you put yourself out there.

 

[goofyfan-12]

Ok, I am going to put myself out there a bit here, so be gentle, please.

I guess I am a cynic. 8 jobs, 3 layoffs, multiple betrayals and breakups later (including friendships), at 32, I don't trust anyone but myself. I do love my husband, don't get me wrong, but if he decided tomorrow that I am not worth his time, I will hide in a hole for a while, lick my wounds, brush myself off, and get back out there. Same with my job. I assume that sometime in the next year or two, my bank will merge with another, or decide I am expendable, and I will be out on my ear.

I live my life assuming that the worst is going to happen to me, and am surprised when things go well. Maybe that has kept me from some good opportunities, but it has certainly helped with my coping skills.

I am a person who feels too much, and it just winds up hurting me, so I have build up a thick hard shell. You can get underneath, but you darn well better be worth it.

Kat - I am right there with you in the not trusting anyone but myself mentality. With the exception of my parents, my sister and a few close friends, I really don't open myself up to too many people. You all an exception to this rule mainly because of the relative anonymity of the online boards... My skin is not that thick so when I do decide to open up to someone new, more often than not I get hurt and the wall I have spent years building up to protect myself then gets a little higher and a little thicker.

Lately, I have been feeling like that wall is a prison wall cutting me off from the world instead of protecting me from it. In a lot of ways, my wieght is my buffer from the world. I can hide behind it when I want to be alone and yet still blame it for why I am alone. I know now that I can't expect society to change to fit my particular needs, but I know that I can change things about myself so that I will love me more. That is one of the biggest motivators I have right now.

Honestly, I am feeling better about what happened last night. He is a jerk and there are others out there. I have moved on to that point where I am more pissed off at letting myself get so attached to the idea of a relationship so early...

Paula

 

[3DisneyKids]

Lots to say to all of you, but I want to start with the important stuff first...

Paula...right here on the WISH Racing team we have a motto, and although it is meant for running, it applies to LIFE. Here it is:

Dead last finish is better than
Did Not Finish
which GREATLY trumps
Did not have the courage to start

YOU, my dear, had the courage to start! How many people can say that? How many people would like to meet someone or start dating but are too nervous to even begin the process? And the same goes with weight...how many overweight people are there who do not have the ability to look at their weight head on and decide to actually DO something about it????

You are so far ahead of the game when you look at it this way! You had the courage to start...and so many others don't even know where the line is.

Go ahead and get pissed! It helps! And of course, we are always here for a laugh or if you need one of us to start coming up with really great names to call him...

 

[Dizneydawn]

Ok, I am going to put myself out there a bit here, so be gentle, please.

I guess I am a cynic. 8 jobs, 3 layoffs, multiple betrayals and breakups later (including friendships), at 32, I don't trust anyone but myself. I do love my husband, don't get me wrong, but if he decided tomorrow that I am not worth his time, I will hide in a hole for a while, lick my wounds, brush myself off, and get back out there. Same with my job. I assume that sometime in the next year or two, my bank will merge with another, or decide I am expendable, and I will be out on my ear.

I live my life assuming that the worst is going to happen to me, and am surprised when things go well. Maybe that has kept me from some good opportunities, but it has certainly helped with my coping skills.

I am a person who feels too much, and it just winds up hurting me, so I have build up a thick hard shell. You can get underneath, but you darn well better be worth it.

Kat - I am right there with you in the not trusting anyone but myself mentality. With the exception of my parents, my sister and a few close friends, I really don't open myself up to too many people. You all an exception to this rule mainly because of the relative anonymity of the online boards... My skin is not that thick so when I do decide to open up to someone new, more often than not I get hurt and the wall I have spent years building up to protect myself then gets a little higher and a little thicker.

Lately, I have been feeling like that wall is a prison wall cutting me off from the world instead of protecting me from it. In a lot of ways, my wieght is my buffer from the world. I can hide behind it when I want to be alone and yet still blame it for why I am alone. I know now that I can't expect society to change to fit my particular needs, but I know that I can change things about myself so that I will love me more. That is one of the biggest motivators I have right now.

Honestly, I am feeling better about what happened last night. He is a jerk and there are others out there. I have moved on to that point where I am more pissed off at letting myself get so attached to the idea of a relationship so early...

Paula

Kat and Goof,
I read these words and started to feel a knot in my stomach because I can relate completely. I spent my highschoool life playing the "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" game. Wanted to be liked/loved but as soon as I felt vulnerable, ran and would break up that relationship. Logically made no sense but internally felt that needed to be my defense. FF 16 years later...after 3 years of counseling...I began to reallyunderstand that starting in the defensive mode may not exactly be the healthiest for me.

Why did I choose Chad? Why did I continue to give excuses for him and yet hold me accountable for everythng? Was a part of me not happy with him but at the same time safe because he did not love me like I wanted to be loved and so...he could not hurt me at that core level because I was safe...I never really expected it. I could want it, long for it...but still never really believe it could happen with him. Chad was a safety for me..I knew where I stood...and where I didn't.

Goof, I also use my weight for a buffer. I knew I wanted something more...there had been other men who let me know thay were interested...but I was not ready...I said I was not ready to give up on my marriage...but the reality was probably I was not ready to believe in myself. So eat and eat....and never go to bars where someone could want me...never put myself in a place where I would have to face my owwn unhappiness...and then what happens...

I meet a man who doesn't see my weight...who doesn't hear my excuses but holds me accountable to myself...I think that Dan was who God intended me to be with and vice versa...but I had to be at the point in my life where I could accept love, fear nothing, want everything and believe I would have it.

I talked to DWD this weekend and told her that for the first time I am not afraid. I am secure in a relationship that to outsiders...has sooo many obstacles before it...yet...I never questioned anything. Dan travels so much for his job....last year when we were developing our relationship...we spent no more than 30 days ever seeing each other...and many of my friends were worried....he could have a woman in every city and truthfully...I would never have known.

But I never believed that....I believed in him implicitly and knew he was my soul mate. Looking at it from a critical eye...would have never given me the oportunity to know love...because now...I realize that anything I ever felt...was never this...never selfless...never truly open.

I understand where you guys are...and I am not judging at all...I just hope that someday...you too will believe that the good you truly deserve is only out there to be found when you decide you deserve the best. And make that your commitment to yourself. I can say that if Dan and I don't workout...I will have no regrets because I am finally blessed to know what it means to trust someone with my heart...and that gift is better than the angst and abrasiveness that i always used as a buffer and my ability to be an at arms length keeper...you can have your body held...but it is another dimensin to have your soul uplifted...

I care about you both and I understand even friends being kept at a distance...and although the annonimity that this board allows keeps us safe...but at the same time..it makes you even more special because you give your time and feelings to people you do not owe anything to.

 

[goofyfan-12]

Lots to say to all of you, but I want to start with the important stuff first...

Paula...right here on the WISH Racing team we have a motto, and although it is meant for running, it applies to LIFE. Here it is:

Dead last finish is better than
Did Not Finish
which GREATLY trumps
Did not have the courage to start

YOU, my dear, had the courage to start! How many people can say that? How many people would like to meet someone or start dating but are too nervous to even begin the process? And the same goes with weight...how many overweight people are there who do not have the ability to look at their weight head on and decide to actually DO something about it????

You are so far ahead of the game when you look at it this way! You had the courage to start...and so many others don't even know where the line is.

Go ahead and get pissed! It helps! And of course, we are always here for a laugh or if you need one of us to start coming up with really great names to call him...

I have a few names for him already, but if I actually said them here, I'm sure I would get the thread shut down... remember - I work on a construction site and have a keen knowledge of the language used....

Thanks for the saying from the team site... I am putting a note up next to my desk as soon as I finish typing this...

Kat and Goof,
I read these words and started to feel a knot in my stomach because I can relate completely. I spent my highschoool life playing the "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" game. Wanted to be liked/loved but as soon as I felt vulnerable, ran and would break up that relationship. Logically made no sense but internally felt that needed to be my defense. FF 16 years later...after 3 years of counseling...I began to reallyunderstand that starting in the defensive mode may not exactly be the healthiest for me.

Why did I choose Chad? Why did I continue to give excuses for him and yet hold me accountable for everythng? Was a part of me not happy with him but at the same time safe because he did not love me like I wanted to be loved and so...he could not hurt me at that core level because I was safe...I never really expected it. I could want it, long for it...but still never really believe it could happen with him. Chad was a safety for me..I knew where I stood...and where I didn't.

Goof, I also use my weight for a buffer. I knew I wanted something more...there had been other men who let me know thay were interested...but I was not ready...I said I was not ready to give up on my marriage...but the reality was probably I was not ready to believe in myself. So eat and eat....and never go to bars where someone could want me...never put myself in a place where I would have to face my owwn unhappiness...and then what happens...

I meet a man who doesn't see my weight...who doesn't hear my excuses but holds me accountable to myself...I think that Dan was who God intended me to be with and vice versa...but I had to be at the point in my life where I could accept love, fear nothing, want everything and believe I would have it.

I talked to DWD this weekend and told her that for the first time I am not afraid. I am secure in a relationship that to outsiders...has sooo many obstacles before it...yet...I never questioned anything. Dan travels so much for his job....last year when we were developing our relationship...we spent no more than 30 days ever seeing each other...and many of my friends were worried....he could have a woman in every city and truthfully...I would never have known.

But I never believed that....I believed in him implicitly and knew he was my soul mate. Looking at it from a critical eye...would have never given me the oportunity to know love...because now...I realize that anything I ever felt...was never this...never selfless...never truly open.

I understand where you guys are...and I am not judging at all...I just hope that someday...you too will believe that the good you truly deserve is only out there to be found when you decide you deserve the best. And make that your commitment to yourself. I can say that if Dan and I don't workout...I will have no regrets because I am finally blessed to know what it means to trust someone with my heart...and that gift is better than the angst and abrasiveness that i always used as a buffer and my ability to be an at arms length keeper...you can have your body held...but it is another dimensin to have your soul uplifted...

I care about you both and I understand even friends being kept at a distance...and although the annonimity that this board allows keeps us safe...but at the same time..it makes you even more special because you give your time and feelings to people you do not owe anything to.

Dawn - I know this is my issue to bear and I am thrilled when people I know find that happiness that we all are looking for and deserve. It is just so frustrating because I can't seem to find it for myself though. My weight prevents me from being what most men in society would think of as attractive and as a result of trying meet people and subsequently getting hurt, I now have all of this emotional baggage to carry around in addition to the extra pounds. When you think about it, I have one hell of a handicap when it comes to trying to meet someone. All I can do is pick myself up and try again because as Erika's saying goes:

Dead last finish is better than
Did Not Finish
which GREATLY trumps
Did not have the courage to start

I do have the courage to start and now I am working on the next step of finishing what I started...

OK - I'm done bellyaching now... time to get back to the normal goings on of this thread. Thank you all for indulging me in my fit of depression and loserdom... The real Goof is back and ready to hit the scales tonight at my JC appointment...

Goof

 

[Dizneydawn]

Ready to laugh....

Not funny in regards to what he was up to...the potential killing of children at schools....
But the 35 year old yahoo from Ohio responsible for this...
Is officially named...

William Billy...

What chance do you have in life if your parents think so little of you to even bother naming you...

What was he called....

Willy Billy
Billy Billy
Bill Billy
Will Billy

Wully Bully???

Ok...need to get onto work...just cracked me up...

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

OK - time to get back to the normal goings on of this thread. Thank you all for indulging me ... The real Goof is back and ready to hit the scales tonight at my JC appointment...

Goof

Does this mean I can be sarcastic again? I was going thru withdrawal. Shakes and everything.

 

[3DisneyKids]

Ok....go refill your water or coffee or whatever cause this is gonna be a long one!

I have been keeping up and posting here and there, but while at the Cape I really couldn't put the time in that I usually do...so here goes...

First, I will update my casting call information since DWD is being so obsessive about it! Seriously, thanks for doing this! You know I love you for it! You and your freakin' spreadsheets and all....(changes are in italics)

3DisneyKids
Real Life Name: Erika
Location: Maine
Family: married (11 years), 3 kids (son almost 9, daughter 7 and daughter 5; one dog named Bailee)
Occupation: College professor
Goals: Finish losing weight to get to a size 4 (currently made it to a 6); run a half marathon...maybe more!
Struggles: well, weight of course! Dealing with a body-building OCD perfectionist husband
Interesting facts: Lived in both Alaska and the Florida Keys researching the communication behaviors of marine mammals. I have been swimming with the dolphins countless times and while in Alaska, I swam in the wild with Humpback Whales. One of the few times I didn't feel huge!
Inside story you want to share: You all know it all already!
Favorite Disney Park, ride and song: Epcot for park, Space Mountain for ride, song--ok, so the first one I mentioned technically wasn't a Disney song, alright already. It was sorta Disney cause it was written by all of the Disney people, but for a non-Disney movie. It was what was playing at the time. My new answer to this is Strangers Like Me from Tarzan (performed by Phil Collins).
Anything else you want to add: Love that we have all gotten so close!

I am going to be offline tomorrow. Helping a friend who's inlaws have moved into assisted living but had a HUGE hoarding problem. A dumpster was delivered today and I am on the frist strike team. Wish me luck! I hear there are trails through the house that we can use, the rest is just packed.

You are such a hero for doing this! I have seen shows on hoarders...very scary stuff. Good luck...and yes, you have earned goddess status for this!

Oh and since I probably won't be able to post tomorrow I sent in my weight to Dawn and can't wait to share the news. The new meds they put my on for my vertigo is a strong diuretic, I am down 5 pounds from last week!!!!!!!!!!!!

So excite, that wasn't the easiest loose ever. Now the real work begins

HOLY COW! Do you know that I have only lost 5.5 pounds total since Feb. 14th!!! I am so so jealous...but my happiness for your overtakes the jealousy....good thing....

I played the clarinet in junior high. Well, as you all know by now, I tend to screw around. We got the day out of school (awesome) to play in a parade at the Circleville Pumpkin Show. While lined up, I guess I was a little bored. I start winging my "rented" clarinet up into the air like a baton. Wing. Catch. Wing. Catch. Wing. Drop.

Why does this story not surprise me????


WAIT A MINUTE. THIS IS A WEIGHT LOSS THREAD?
I think I'm in the wrong place.

You and me both, girlfriend...

Remember:

'A good friend will come bail you out of jail...
a true friend will be sitting next to you saying WE screwed up, but we had fun!'

This is a quote I have loved and lived by for years!

Adult toys should be stored in Tupperware...they do not go moldy...are not found with Fido's other chew toys...and what better way to keep them fresh until the next use...

Adult toy parties and tupperware parties...too many jokes....brain overload...

Thanks

I looked up that top online (we don't have Coldwater Creek here) and I really like the top - classic, elegant. It should look great with dark denim! Can't wait to hear how it goes on Sunday!

Hi! I missed you when you joined us...we need the 411! As you can see, we let is all hang out here! (Yeah, it can get scary, too...all of that SBF hangin' out! )

HI EVERYONE...I'M HOME!!!

DID YA MISS ME????

TOTALLY missed you! I had to fend for myself against DWD! SO GLAD you had an awesome trip! Need more details, though!

Gained a little, but nothing"KAT -a- strophic"[/SIZE][/COLOR] I crack me up.

HI LAR IOUS! Love it. Plagiarising it now....


Laundry awaits...and mail. YIKES the mail. I'd better go to the post office and pick it up...I understand that report cards were sent while we were away....

Can't wait for you to get caught up so you can come hang with us again!

I stole my purple back, btw....

So will he be joining us for dinner in December?

No, my brother will not be joining us. He works for ABC News in Manhatten, not for Disney directly down in FL.



Good point Kat. Too bad that's the process to find a good one. And Paula, you've come too far to get too down about this.

Totally agree. You are a superstar!

Vicki--so glad that you are back! Catch us up on your life when you can.

KAT--sorry about last night. AIM crashed on me and I was wiped, so I just went to bed.

SG--you still sick? Is it good sick (as in you don't want to eat anything sick and thus lose weight) or bad sick (where the only thing that makes you feel better is tons and tons and tons of carbs)?

Ok, I think that catches me up! Phew!

 

[goofyfan-12]

Does this mean I can be sarcastic again? I was going thru withdrawal. Shakes and everything.

Absolutely...

I hear the shakes pass in a day or two... sorry to have caused you pain, but the shaking should burn some calories right???

Erika - I am not quoting your incredibly long, can't believe I read the whole thing and didn't need a snack post... it was a great read though...

Goof

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

Ok....go refill your water or coffee or whatever cause this is gonna be a long one!

I have been keeping up and posting here and there, but while at the Cape I really couldn't put the time in that I usually do...so here goes...

First, I will update my casting call information since DWD is being so obsessive about it! Seriously, thanks for doing this! You know I love you for it! You and your freakin' spreadsheets and all....(changes are in italics)

It's about time you got with it. I don't remember approving your little "spring break."

And...you've been updated. You fish hugger.

I stole my purple back, btw....
[/B]

It that like bringing sexy back?

Absolutely...

but the shaking should burn some calories right???

Goof

Lets hope so. Since I don't subscribe to this newfangled idea of exercise. Idiots.

 

[DisneyWorld Delight]

believen - I see your here all the time now. Are you just trying to catch up with the last 100 pages?

 

[3DisneyKids]

lol Paula-- I know! But I warned you that it was a long one! And the fact that you didn't have to snack during it...a victory for the day!

DWD--don't ever stop being sarcastic! I couldn't take it!

Ok, back to work for a bit...(but the semester ends TOMORROW!) That doesn't mean that I am totally done with work as my online consulting goes all summer, but it is one huge chunk of my work that is done until Labor Day.

 

[born2bird]

Just stopping by to say Hi. I have to catch -up on all of the weekend hoopla. I do want to say, albeit a bit late, that I am really sorry things did not go well on Sunday, Paula. He is certainly the one missing out. Also, Welcome home, Erika.

I will be back this afternoon if work allows.

 

[3DisneyKids]

By the way, forgot to mention...

I ran 6 miles this morning! Goddess = me.

 

[HockeyKat]

Kat - I am right there with you in the not trusting anyone but myself mentality. With the exception of my parents, my sister and a few close friends, I really don't open myself up to too many people. You all an exception to this rule mainly because of the relative anonymity of the online boards... My skin is not that thick so when I do decide to open up to someone new, more often than not I get hurt and the wall I have spent years building up to protect myself then gets a little higher and a little thicker.

Lately, I have been feeling like that wall is a prison wall cutting me off from the world instead of protecting me from it. In a lot of ways, my wieght is my buffer from the world. I can hide behind it when I want to be alone and yet still blame it for why I am alone. I know now that I can't expect society to change to fit my particular needs, but I know that I can change things about myself so that I will love me more. That is one of the biggest motivators I have right now.

Honestly, I am feeling better about what happened last night. He is a jerk and there are others out there. I have moved on to that point where I am more pissed off at letting myself get so attached to the idea of a relationship so early...

Paula

. It is so hard.

Lots to say to all of you, but I want to start with the important stuff first...

Paula...right here on the WISH Racing team we have a motto, and although it is meant for running, it applies to LIFE. Here it is:

Dead last finish is better than
Did Not Finish
which GREATLY trumps
Did not have the courage to start

YOU, my dear, had the courage to start! How many people can say that? How many people would like to meet someone or start dating but are too nervous to even begin the process? And the same goes with weight...how many overweight people are there who do not have the ability to look at their weight head on and decide to actually DO something about it????

You are so far ahead of the game when you look at it this way! You had the courage to start...and so many others don't even know where the line is.

Go ahead and get pissed! It helps! And of course, we are always here for a laugh or if you need one of us to start coming up with really great names to call him...

What she said!! Love it.

Kat and Goof,
I read these words and started to feel a knot in my stomach because I can relate completely. I spent my highschoool life playing the "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" game. Wanted to be liked/loved but as soon as I felt vulnerable, ran and would break up that relationship. Logically made no sense but internally felt that needed to be my defense. FF 16 years later...after 3 years of counseling...I began to reallyunderstand that starting in the defensive mode may not exactly be the healthiest for me.

Why did I choose Chad? Why did I continue to give excuses for him and yet hold me accountable for everythng? Was a part of me not happy with him but at the same time safe because he did not love me like I wanted to be loved and so...he could not hurt me at that core level because I was safe...I never really expected it. I could want it, long for it...but still never really believe it could happen with him. Chad was a safety for me..I knew where I stood...and where I didn't.

Goof, I also use my weight for a buffer. I knew I wanted something more...there had been other men who let me know thay were interested...but I was not ready...I said I was not ready to give up on my marriage...but the reality was probably I was not ready to believe in myself. So eat and eat....and never go to bars where someone could want me...never put myself in a place where I would have to face my owwn unhappiness...and then what happens...

I meet a man who doesn't see my weight...who doesn't hear my excuses but holds me accountable to myself...I think that Dan was who God intended me to be with and vice versa...but I had to be at the point in my life where I could accept love, fear nothing, want everything and believe I would have it.

I talked to DWD this weekend and told her that for the first time I am not afraid. I am secure in a relationship that to outsiders...has sooo many obstacles before it...yet...I never questioned anything. Dan travels so much for his job....last year when we were developing our relationship...we spent no more than 30 days ever seeing each other...and many of my friends were worried....he could have a woman in every city and truthfully...I would never have known.

But I never believed that....I believed in him implicitly and knew he was my soul mate. Looking at it from a critical eye...would have never given me the oportunity to know love...because now...I realize that anything I ever felt...was never this...never selfless...never truly open.

I understand where you guys are...and I am not judging at all...I just hope that someday...you too will believe that the good you truly deserve is only out there to be found when you decide you deserve the best. And make that your commitment to yourself. I can say that if Dan and I don't workout...I will have no regrets because I am finally blessed to know what it means to trust someone with my heart...and that gift is better than the angst and abrasiveness that i always used as a buffer and my ability to be an at arms length keeper...you can have your body held...but it is another dimensin to have your soul uplifted...

I care about you both and I understand even friends being kept at a distance...and although the annonimity that this board allows keeps us safe...but at the same time..it makes you even more special because you give your time and feelings to people you do not owe anything to.

Dawn... this is an interesting perspective. Really. I am now thinking a lot about what you said and comparing it to my own life.

I have a few names for him already, but if I actually said them here, I'm sure I would get the thread shut down... remember - I work on a construction site and have a keen knowledge of the language used....

Thanks for the saying from the team site... I am putting a note up next to my desk as soon as I finish typing this...



Dawn - I know this is my issue to bear and I am thrilled when people I know find that happiness that we all are looking for and deserve. It is just so frustrating because I can't seem to find it for myself though. My weight prevents me from being what most men in society would think of as attractive and as a result of trying meet people and subsequently getting hurt, I now have all of this emotional baggage to carry around in addition to the extra pounds. When you think about it, I have one hell of a handicap when it comes to trying to meet someone. All I can do is pick myself up and try again because as Erika's saying goes:

Dead last finish is better than
Did Not Finish
which GREATLY trumps
Did not have the courage to start

I do have the courage to start and now I am working on the next step of finishing what I started...

OK - I'm done bellyaching now... time to get back to the normal goings on of this thread. Thank you all for indulging me in my fit of depression and loserdom... The real Goof is back and ready to hit the scales tonight at my JC appointment...

Goof

You are NOT a loser (except on the scales). And feel free to bellyache anytime!! That is what we are here for. Friends are for low times as well as high ones.

KAT--sorry about last night. AIM crashed on me and I was wiped, so I just went to bed.

No problem. I went to bed too. Had crazy dreams about getting held hostage at Disney. That is what I get for eating a 100 cal ice cream at 10:30PM, I guess!

 

[SeptemberGirl]

Good afternoon! Sorry not to have posted sooner - I went to bed last night and today I got my sick butt up and took myself to the gym. I still have the world's worst head cold ever, but at least I did something today. Now I just want some lunch and a nap! I will have lunch, at least!

Paula, that stinks. I think he's an idiot for not showing up to meet fabulous you, and I bet that's why he didn't. I bet it's not an emergency or anything at all to do with you, but just his stupid insecurities and issues and baggage that he let get in his way. So, I feel sorry for him that he missed out on spending time with you.

I love that you have hope, and that despite everything else, you still put yourself out there. And sometimes it hurts and sucks, and I know, because I have times when friends or potential friends hurt me so much I just want to take my ball and go home and never, ever, give another person a chance again. But, in the end, I don't. I cry and listen to some Billie Holiday and write, a lot, and drink some wine and cry some more, and then I get up and go on.

Hope is what keeps me going all the time. Now, this thread is a good example. I didn't come here for friends, but I found them. I believe more good things are out there, not just for me, but for you, too. And for all my friends here, because I see what good people you all are. And Kat, my friend, I have to respectfully say I do think you put yourself out there - at least halfway - or I never would have been so honest as I have been with you.

But that's the beauty of friendship. It can surprise you. And I think just maybe, even at our most cynical, we all share some sort of hope or belief in possibility, or we wouldn't be here, and we wouldn't be Disney fans.

But, hey, I could be wrong. Or it could be the cold medicine talking. Okay, gotta do my info for Liz, because my last one really sucked.

 

[goofyfan-12]

. It is so hard.



What she said!! Love it.



Dawn... this is an interesting perspective. Really. I am now thinking a lot about what you said and comparing it to my own life.



You are NOT a loser (except on the scales). And feel free to bellyache anytime!! That is what we are here for. Friends are for low times as well as high ones.



No problem. I went to bed too. Had crazy dreams about getting held hostage at Disney. That is what I get for eating a 100 cal ice cream at 10:30PM, I guess!

Being held hostage at Disney.... most people have freaky dreams when they eat late at night, but this is a new one... My own personal favorite was when I dreamt that I was giving George Clooney a tour of the Capitol. Nothing happened beyond that... (see I dream of George Clooney, but I don't know what to do with him... )

Just stopping by to say Hi. I have to catch -up on all of the weekend hoopla. I do want to say, albeit a bit late, that I am really sorry things did not go well on Sunday, Paula. He is certainly the one missing out. Also, Welcome home, Erika.

I will be back this afternoon if work allows.

Thanks for the kind words... he pretty much is a bum to me. I'll send him one last e-mail tonight for closure, but I don't expect to hear from him again. His loss...

time for me to get back to work... have a great afternoon and I'll check back later...

Goof

 

[goofyfan-12]

Good afternoon! Sorry not to have posted sooner - I went to bed last night and today I got my sick butt up and took myself to the gym. I still have the world's worst head cold ever, but at least I did something today. Now I just want some lunch and a nap! I will have lunch, at least!

Paula, that stinks. I think he's an idiot for not showing up to meet fabulous you, and I bet that's why he didn't. I bet it's not an emergency or anything at all to do with you, but just his stupid insecurities and issues and baggage that he let get in his way. So, I feel sorry for him that he missed out on spending time with you.

I love that you have hope, and that despite everything else, you still put yourself out there. And sometimes it hurts and sucks, and I know, because I have times when friends or potential friends hurt me so much I just want to take my ball and go home and never, ever, give another person a chance again. But, in the end, I don't. I cry and listen to some Billie Holiday and write, a lot, and drink some wine and cry some more, and then I get up and go on.

Hope is what keeps me going all the time. Now, this thread is a good example. I didn't come here for friends, but I found them. I believe more good things are out there, not just for me, but for you, too. And for all my friends here, because I see what good people you all are. And Kat, my friend, I have to respectfully say I do think you put yourself out there - at least halfway - or I never would have been so honest as I have been with you.

But that's the beauty of friendship. It can surprise you. And I think just maybe, even at our most cynical, we all share some sort of hope or belief in possibility, or we wouldn't be here, and we wouldn't be Disney fans.

But, hey, I could be wrong. Or it could be the cold medicine talking. Okay, gotta do my info for Liz, because my last one really sucked.

You have a beautiful soul... I had almost forgotten how important hope is in life... Thank you for reminding me...

Paula