Julie's continual struggle (WW thread - comments VERY welcome!!)

[toystoryduo]

More coming your way, Julie. I hope things have settled down for you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Please take some time and do something just for you this Thanksgiving weekend.

Take care, Julie!

 

[Cruise04]

Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Keep on
Chris

 

[goldcupmom]

Ok, is it just me, or do the boards hate everyone?????

I'm trying to post a new, improved journal thread and it says it's there, but it's not. so tomorrow it will probably post like 4 times.

SO, trying to put some of it here to see if it works.....

Tomorrow I begin again....... Haven't heard that from me before, have you?
first the updates, then the plan.....

Those who visited my other journal know my life at present rivals the best soap operas out there, and it isn't improving.

DS19 - is still at home (another Thank God), still no job (GRRRRRR!!!), the lawyer is still convinced that all will resolve - hopefully before the 12/19 court date. He spends most of his time in his room watching movies. At least he is eating properly and has a place to live. Bill collectors call at least twice a day which is really wearing on me. I don't have caller ID, so I answer.
Wednesday before Thanksgiving, things fell apart again. DH informed me that DS19's car was missing from the guy who was trying to fix it's apt complex. Called, they said it was towed. Called the tow companies they use, no car. After about 6 hours of continual calling every place we can find, it turns up. Almost $400 to get it out and towed home. DS19 has been convinced by 'friends' that it would be cheaper just to abandon the car than to fix it - this is a 2 year old Kia Rio. they told him a new engine will cost $8000 - 12000!!! NOT!!!!!!! At present it is a lawn ornament near my garage and will remain so until he has a job and can make regular payments on it's repair.

DS16 - cyber school is really screwing him over and we will likely go back to Keystone and pay in January. They want to give him 1/2 the credits he would get at the normal HS here for the same work - ie. EIGHT years to graduate HS!!!!! They have changed everything they told us in the beginning - and told everyone - and I stumbled upon it. This could get ugly as I will take it to the media and the school board. His work is going well, and he is still my calm child. Yesterday on the way to work the clutch cable on his cycle snapped so we are now down to 1 vehicle for 5 of us as my Van is still in being fixed from DS19 backing into a pole ($500 more owed soon)

DD - still fencing. Got ripped off at the HS championships. The ref (who was a coach for the other team) clearly missed a touch(even the girl she touched said it was a touch) and they ended up with 3rd instead of 1st. She has straight A's first quarter. Her 14th bday is the 17th and we can't think of what to do for a party - I thought hotel, swim, movies, video games, but she can't decide. Suggestions?????

DH - is still DH. Enough said. He was off the entire week of Thanksgiving and watched TV 24/7

Me - Well, I've now gained 18 pounds since the day I left for Florida at the end of June. I'm miserable, but can't stop eating. At this moment, I think it's the only pleasant spot in my life. While I'm concentrating on the next bite I don't have to think about life. Most of this I've gained in the last 3 weeks. Some is obviously TOM weight as I'm overdue again .....love the 40's....NOT!!!

The car episode with DS19 broke me. It was the final straw and financially this all is really taking it's toll. I spent all day Wed and all of Thanksgiving crying. Thanksgiving has always been hard for me as we have never had family near, but this one was awful. I never even got dressed until DD insisted we go see Harry Potter. It was also the day that DH told me to "Take DD and GET OUT!! And don't come back! (as I can not handle any more of DS19's troubles on my own and DH is no emotional support, nor physical help). I was devastated! I'm still here, but very emotionally exhausted. It is still a struggle for me to keep going on a daily basis. I really just want to either A. crawl into bed and not come out til 2007, or B. eat myself into oblivion so I can't crawl out of bed until 2007(but I'm well on my way). Neither of which is a good choice. I start each day with good intentions, but before 9 a.m. I've totally blown it. I need to list lots of Ebay as 12/3 is my last before Christmas and then I don't until Feb, but I can't focus. My house is absolutely totalled. Even the pups haven't been getting the attention they need from me. Everytime I think things will get better, something else happens. Somedays the tears won't come and others they won't stop. 1995 was kind of like this, in a different way. In a way I think it may have, in some ways, lead to some of this, at least with the DH situation. I don't think I want 2015 to ever come.

On to the future:

My main goal at this moment is survival. (Isn't that enough???) But, I'm quickly outgrowing my clothing and really can't afford to buy anymore, so I've got to get back in control. Very literally I have had food in my mouth almost constantly from sunup to bedtime - which is about 17-18 hours/day for me. TONS of sweets. I don't think I could count the amount of chocolate I've consumed. I'm constantly feeling icky and haven't had heartburn in years but do continuously now.

Water is a big issue. There've been days where a single cup of coffee has been all my liquid for the day - and I live in a DESERT!!!

So, my plan.....

1. Take ONE hour of ONE day at a time. Focus on small things.
2. Journal (hard as I can't deal w/ DH ridicule very well over this)
3. Exercise (see #2 - and he will be off and home from 12/17 - 1/2)
4. WATER - I found a great decaf green tea - Candy Cane Lane - that is almost sweet tasting and I'm trying to drink my water in that. It's seasonal, so I've bought 10 boxes of 20 bags (all I can find) so it will last a while. I'm trying to stay away from my decaf coffee as it is really triggering the sweet cravings. Even as an elementary kid breakfast was coffee & cookies/pie/cake/donuts, etc. I was literally in HS before I had breakfast cereal.
5. Vitamins -

Monday I finally go to my gyn for my yearly visit - so TOM will obviously make an appearance soon, just to make it more miserable. I've been procrastinating on this for no real reason, just haven't gotten around to it. I actually requested to see a Dr. this year and not just a CNP due to my sisters breast cancer. Fortunately they got me in.

DSis is doing great. Her hair is almost able to be worn without a wig. According to her Dr's she HAD breast cancer, so that is positive. She's also now babysitting her new grandbaby, Kylie, so that is keeping her busy & happy and she's still working at Tuesday Mornings a couple of evenings.

So, have I written enough? No, this is not fiction, it's just my crazy, mixed up life! 10:1 this will crash and not post, so I'm going to copy it before I try. I'll try to check in, albeit briefly several times a day. After Sat at least my Ebay life will calm down some and maybe I can be on more.

Thanks for all your support!

 

[keenercam]

Julie, I am so glad you are here. I have been worried about you and all the stress you deal with.

I'm sorry that it is hard to find a bright spot right now, but your plan sounds great. You will definitely feel so much better once you get any one thing under control.

If you are anything like me, eating is almost an act of defiance as well as comfort. A psychologist friend explained it to me this way once -- It is the only thing in your life that gives you immediate gratification and you deserve to feel good, right? It is also one of the only things you do that has a life-sustaining purpose, so it is justified, to some extent, right? And it is something that YOU get to decide as far as what, when, where, how much, etc.

The flip side is that you are the person with almost sole control over what you eat. If it is making you feel bad, you have to decide that you are worth the effort it would take to make you feel better. That is, buy the foods you like and prepare them the way you like and eat them when you are hungry.

I didn't mean to sound so, ummmm, lecturey (is that even a word?) I just hoped to share some of what I've learned,though I seem to have to re-learn it all too frequently.

Julie, you are such an amazing mom and person. I really hope you will find a way to take care of yourself besides the husband and 3 kids and puppies that you seem to put before yourself.

Sending you and for your fresh start!

 

[goldcupmom]

Thanks, Cam - didn't sound lectury, but rather right on target!

Thanks, too, NYCpa for the words of encouragement!

Today hasn't been great, but better......

Packaged 3 more ebay things to mail, took DS16 to work, went and walked an hour in the mall. No blue hair attacks today as the mall was already open. After walking went to the Disney Store - NOT ONE THING for Grown Ups! I was so peeved. On to Mervyns to buy a new hot water bottle. Since I can remember every winter night I have had a hot water bottle. I usually go thru 1 a year. My wonderful one from Bath & Body Works cap broke and I've been without. I had a $10 off card from Black Friday, so got 2 for $10. Smaller than mine but with soft covers. Then to the icing and bought matching - well same print, different colors - sweater sets for the pups. Max has red w/ black argyle, Mia's is black w/ pink. They have hats & scarves, too. It's the only place with clothing that will fit Max. Yes, I'm certifiably NUTS about my pups. I'll have to post pics at some point.

Food was 32 oz green decaf candy cane lane tea for Breakfast - no time for anything else. I had a Sm Chicken caesar salad w/ little dressing at the mall(6), 2 slices of turkey at home (2), 1 sm scone (6), 4 SF candies (2) - so I have 8 left + FPs. I also had a 23 oz bottle of water and a 24 oz glass of water. Need to go take my vitamins before I forget.

Still no call back from the principal of the Cyber Academy (who promised to call back Mon. "just after lunch").

The van won't be done til end of next week - they are having trouble finding a bumper - the 2 they got were defective. UGH!!!!

DD has choir practice til 5:45, then I have to leave to pick DS16 up at gym. DH is going S of town about an hour from his work (if no traffic) to try to buy the part for DS16's cycle. Hopefully he will make it before they close and DS16 can figure out how to fix it easily. At least then he would be mobile again.

I haven't begun to list Ebay today and I need to do a bunch. I still have 2 heaping lg rubbermaid containers full. Somehow I don't think it will all get up by Saturday.

Saturday will also be interesting if DS16 cycle isn't fixed. He has gym at 9 - have to leave here at 8:15. DD has the qualifier for Junior Olympic Nationals at 10, Have to pick DS16 up at gym at 12 and have him to work by 12:30 (20 min drive), which is about when DD will be done fencing - 30 min from DS16's work. And it is supposed to be cold, windy & rainy.

I just realized, tho, that it is December. On the 9th DD and I are flying to Phoenix (mesa really) for fencing on the 10th. Since I didn't have a time schedule for her competition , we're staying Sat night, too. The hotel has a shuttle from the airport, to the event, and to a big all indoor outlet mall. Hopefully we will have a bit of time to shop. Then she has finals the 14/15 and her 14th bday is the 17, then a week til Christmas. Yikes!!!!

More later......

 

[NYcpa]

Julie

Great job on the fluid intake today. DD2 found the candycane lane tea also. She has made a couple of cups for me and I agree with you, it is really good. Hope you enjoyed you hour walk. The Disney store here in Syracuse has just started carrying t-shirts and lounge wear for adults. I don't know if it will continue after Xmas as they had gone to childrens stuff only after Disney sold the stores.

You don't seem to have a minute to call you own. Try to find some quiet time just for you. I know it's hard but very rewarding.

have a great evening.

 

[goldcupmom]

Yesterday's wrap up:
Points - 23/24 Dinner was a SF vanilla Latte and 1 pt of turkey
Water/decaf tea - 97 oz
Vitamins - OOPS!
Exercise - 60 min walking

I just finished WATP 4 mile - 55 min & 20 oz tea(always decaf as I totally decaffeinated in January 1996 - except for Chocolate, of course!)

I left yet another message at the Cyber school. At the school DS16 was at, he had 11 of 21 credits needed to graduate - right on target to begin his jr. year last Aug. The new school uses .5 credits/semester in PA, but our schools here use 1/sem. So, we were told repeatedly that they would convert and be 1/sem to keep everyone on track as they were designed to be 1 semester courses. Now they are counting everything as .5 credits so it would take someone 8 years to grad HS or they would have to do double the amount of work. If I don't hear today, DH and I will draft a letter to the school board over the weekend.

DH was able to get parts for DS16 cycle last night. Hopefully tonight they will be able to fix it, easily!

I need to fill out many rebates from black Friday & mail today, take DS16 to work, pick him up & take him to gym. Pay bills, list Ebay & hopefully get a start on the house so we can put up Christmas on Sunday. If it doesn't get done this weekend I have no clue when it will as I'm gone next F - Su, the following weekend is DS13's bday & the next is Christmas. Sometime I need to figure out shopping, too!

Off to start the day. Breakfast will be kashi shake(3)

 

[toystoryduo]

Morning Julie!

I missed you while you were gone! Please know that you and your family have been and will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Please be sure and take extra special, wonderful care of you.

 

[Mykelogan]

Hi Julie!!

Just wanted to WISH ya a great day!

Mike

 

[goldcupmom]

Yesterday's Wrap-up:
Lunch - 2 2pt sandwiches (4), FF cott Chz (1), baked lays (2) SF choc (1)
Dinner- 1 slice veggie pizza no crust (4) ckn caesar salad (6)
Total Points - 21
Water/Tea - 102 oz
Exercise - 55 min
Vitamins - OOPS!!! I'm headed to take them RIGHT NOW so I don't forget again!

Today will be a challenge. DD has fencing tourney and DH is home so I will have a hard time getting exercise in. I'll try to either get 3 segments on my elliptical or a long walk, but can't be sure.

The cycle is fixed. DH came home, laid on the bed & watched TV and DS16 and I went and figured out how to take apart, replace the clutch cable & reassemble. YEAH, US!!!! So, he can at least ride today which will ease up the driving time.

Today is my last ebay day so after fencing I'll be stuck to my computer til late. More later......

 

[pearlieq]

Hi!

Long time no talk!

I hope things are going well for you. I though of you last night. My mom took me to an oldies concert/dance and there was group of ladies that were fiercely guarding their area of the dance floor. It reminded me of your mall-walking blue hairs and I got a good chuckle out of it!

Sounds like things are busy as usual with you! I hope you can get things straightened out with the charter school!

Take care!

 

[goldcupmom]

Back from fencing. DD had an "I'm exhausted" meltdown, so we left. I'm not taking her to CT in Feb, anyway, so it didn't matter & she is already qualified if we change our minds.

Breakfast egg beaters/ff chz(3), lunch ckn caesar salad(6) sf choc(1).

Got in a 20 min walk outside while waiting for fencing registration to end.

More later.....

 

[goldcupmom]

Sat & Sun were OP and I managed to get in exercise & water each day.

Today I'm OP,, but low on liquid.

Had my annual gyn visit today.....fun fun fun! All appears normal, but she is sending me for a bone density test (welcome to middle age) and to a breast specialist due to my sisters recent cancer - just a precaution. I'm ok with that.

My clothed weight at the Dr. was actually 1.5 less than my last Wed weight in the buff, so maybe I'm starting to lose some of what I've put on.

No exercise today, but I've been on the go most of the day.

tomorrow will start to be more structured again - hopefully!

Off to start guzzling water - before bed......UGH!!!

 

[keenercam]

Hi, Julie! Sorry I haven't been around your journal much, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you today. Glad to hear you saw some progress on the scale. Usually doctor scales are heavier than home or even WW, so that is a great thing!

I know this is the time of year when students are completely overwhelmed by commitments and the holiday chaos on top of so many teachers trying to cram stuff in before the end of the year (DD isn't cyber schooled, is she?). Maybe not planning on going to CT in February will take some of the pressure off her shoulders thinking of all she has going on.

I hope you have a good, calm day, sweetie. Drink your water and find some time to relax, even if it is just spending some time with your furbabies (I am missing mine so much that I am finding myself in journals urging all the furbaby mommies to enjoy their pets!) :

 

[Cruise04]

Happy Holidays Julie!

I know you haven't been on in a while and I just hope that everything is okay. I keep you in my thoughts as I'm sure you can use them. Take care!

Hope you have a great holiday!

Keep on
Chris

 

[eeyore25]

Hi Julie,

Just wanted to pop in and say hi! Hope all is well and you are okay.

Have a wonderful Friday!

 

[toystoryduo]

HI Julie,

I wanted to stop by to let you know that I am thinking about you and to WISH you and your family a very Merry Christmas and a healthy, happy and prosperous New Year! Take good care of you, my friend.

 

[eeyore25]

HI Julie,

Just wanted to pop in and wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas