Just sounding off

[kdonnel]

Good for you but they sound very independent. I am sure they offer good things to your family.
When a parent becomes the child and insists on being dependent it is extremely difficult, it can take a toll mentally and physically. It can be very unhealthy for the child etc. doing the caretaking.
When a parent moves into a child's home it affects the whole family therefore the whole family should get a vote.

I never said otherwise.

In fact my wife is at the ER with her father right now. Their days of independence are coming to a quick end.

My intent was to convey that having them close has made caring for them easier, if they had remained on their own the past 18 months would have been harder.

Not at all saying my situation is yours.

 

[Princessclab]

I never said otherwise.

In fact my wife is at the ER with her father right now. Their days of independence are coming to a quick end.

My intent was to convey that having them close has made caring for them easier, if they had remained on their own the past 18 months would have been harder.

Not at all saying my situation is yours.

I am not sure why you went there.........my intent was good.
It is a very good thing to have grandparents active in your children's life. Nothing more.
You stated they were independent.
My apology if it did not come across as having them close to you is a good thing.
I hope your wife's father is ok.

 

[focusondisney]

Oh my gosh, this hits so close to home. I am so sorry to OP & others going thru this. I am too, except it’s my own mother who needs the care. She is late 80’s, many medical issues, including a history of 2 strokes just before my dad passed away 5 years ago. Luckily there were minimal effects from those. But she had 2 falls within the last 8 months, attributed to a prolonged infection that took multiple antibiotics & finally IVs to clear up. The last fall caused a serious cerebral hemorrhage that has speeded up some early dementia & physically weakened her. One sibling lives with her, but works full time. Until last summer we were able to leave her alone for short periods. One of us would be there most of the day, but she was OK alone in her room while my sibling slept upstairs. But for the last 5 months, we have to be with her constantly. She needs help with personal care, toileting, meals & needs someone with her as she walks to prevent yet another fall. She is up frequently at night to use the toilet, so there is almost no sleeping when you spend the night with her. None of us have homes that would work for her needs either. And like you OP, I have my home paid & updated to accommodate my retirement years. I am not moving to maybe take mom in for who knows how long. I mean, I could sell my home that I love & she could pass away the day after we close.

There are 6 of us, 4 in our 60’s, the other 2 late 50’s. 3 of us are still working plus one with a commitment for full time child care for her grandchild. We each stay at moms house 1 or 2 nights per week & stay until the following dinner time. For as many issues as mom has, her heart is strong. She may live a few months, or several more years. There is no long term plan for her care. Most of my siblings seem fine keeping this arrangement up. I however feel very much like you do OP. I am having serious issues continuing this for an unknown period of time. My DH spent over 40 years in a high stress, 24/7 management job. He retired literally the day before mom’s 2nd fall. I work 12 hour shifts & spend half my off time at my mothers. Not how we planned for our life to be at this point.

To make things even more fun, my mother is a hoarder & my parents did almost nothing to maintain their home over the years. This is a very old house, from the early 1910s. Very little updated since the 60s & almost no cleaning since we all moved out in the 70s - 80s. We have tried to clear things out over the years, but we’re never able to make a dent in the mess. Mostly because mom wouldn’t allow it. Before this, I could tolerate short 1 - 2 hour visits. Now, I have to be there for 20 hours at a time. Twice a week. This is all giving me serious anxiety. I find myself disgusted & furious at both my parents for leaving us to deal with this mess. I am close to all my siblings & want it to stay that way. But how do I tell them I can’t do this anymore?? I know my health will be suffering soon. I can feel my blood pressure go up as I leave for her house. My DH tells me he can see the stress & sadness in me. I have no idea what to do about the situation. I know I am supposed to feel thankful that my mom is still with us. More & more, I am not.

Sorry to ramble on & hijack your thread. But just know you are not alone. And you are not a bad person for how you feel. I hope you are able to find the strength to get thru all this.

 

[HopperFan]

... I DO NOT want to live with her. A house couldn’t be big enough. She is a nice enough person but I don’t want to give up our privacy and I just feel like it would be a three person marriage. I’m sure my being very much an introvert plays in as well.

She is in good health but in beginning stages of dementia. She is very capable of living alone at this point but has the money for her care when she does need more.

We manage her finances now because his dad did all of that when he was alive. When discussed, it evokes very strong emotions inside that let me know I could never go there. I feel very panicky…is that even a word??? I instantly want to cry. I even think about just telling my husband that I want him to go live with her and I will just live by myself. That really isn’t what I want though. He feels responsible for her and cares for her, and I do understand that too.
I know I am going to have to bite the bullet and just say that there is no way that I am going to live with her instead of just staying quiet. My husband knows how I feel but I just need to tell him straight out. He keeps throwing big hints. I know he will do what I wish but I’m afraid he will resent me down the line.

Without sharing my background I'll just say we've been through all variations with three parents and now dealing with a stepfather who we help more than his own kids. We had one go through full blown dementia.

As you describe it, it is a black and white situation (its not) but you need to work together to find the middle to compromise. She has the money to meet her needs and you manage the finances so you can be sure the money is spent properly for her care. Been there, done that so it's a huge relief that she isn't spending her own money, possibly being ripped off. It sounds like you are close by to keep oversight.

Healthy with dementia means she could live a long time and will ongoing need more and more assistance. Don't fight her at this point on moving to an assisted community if you think she is safe. I would start with committing so many evenings or days a week with her; cook, clean out the fridge, catch up her laundry, lightly clean so she can see you all are concerned about her welfare while at same time visiting with her. Maybe do an activity she used to do with her husband; play cards, watch movies, garden. Set a day each week or every other week where you go out to dinner somewhere she enjoyed. Giving her things to look forward to, having a committed schedule she can look at on her calendar helps her feel better and lets your husband feel like he is helping her. It also shows you are concerned with her care and there to help. My stepfather loves his "Thursday Dinner Dates" with us, gives him something to look forward to.

While you are doing this be making plans for next step, next need. Maybe hire a cleaners to come every 3-4 weeks, one of you stay there while they are there for security reasons and visit with her. Later you might want to look at someone coming in a couple days a week or see if there is a group setting she might want to go to for activities and socialization. The one thing you want to do is remain her family, her son and DIL. The minute you become caretaker the whole relationship changes. This isn't an end of life caretaker - this is a day to day caretaker. It is draining emotionally and physically. Been there. The weight is huge and takes it's toll. You are already so emotionally concerned, it will only get worse. Moving my MIL to assisted setting finally allowed relationships to be loving family, not a caretaker struggling with meds, showers, safety at night. Was huge.

Your husband needs to let go of any guilt he has been given by his parents. Making sure she is safe, the house is maintained is what he needs to do, not move in, and it allows him to continue to have a mother~son relationship. To enjoy his visits and time together. You all living together in this situation as you described will change all that and impact all relationships. You actually can have very nice, happy, wonderful memories later from all your visits with her. You can meet her needs while maintaining your own emotional health. When you discuss with him be sure to offer up solutions and ideas to make her life better, while preserving your relationship with him, and her.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am sorry to hear about your dilemma. I don't really have any advice, but I can offer sympathy.

 

[neverlandsky]

Our condolences for FIL. Sorry for your & DH’s loss.

We have a front row seat to this. Except it’s GIL and MIL. MIL health is deteriorating right along with GIL. GIL has dementia. MIL physical and mental health is suffering along with marriage to FIL. GIL may just outlive MIL & FIL.

We said our peace that GIL needs to be in qualified caregivers hands. We’ve been distancing ourselves from GIL because her behavior is not appropriate. Not GIL’s fault by any means, it’s the dementia. Yet our teens won’t be without our presence with GIL due to GIL’s state of being. GIL doesn’t remember us or teens anymore. 6 months ago she did.

Ask your DH if he’s prepared to deal with his mother’s uncontrollable inappropriate behavior, being at her beck and call 24/7, her keeping inconsistent sleeping hours therefore he does too, physical violence, outbursts, her forgetting even him, helping her get dress, shower, etc. Taking her keys away and keeping them away, taking her shopping, him pointing out and telling her names and things she doesn’t know anymore. Her behavior towards you because she will forget you way way sooner.

This is a situation that progressively gets worse not better. Ultimately in-home care in MIL’s home for as long as possible. Then assisted living.

Given what we witnessed with GIL, we refused to do the same with MIL/FIL and have already made it known.

 

[maxiesmom]

You need to make sure your DH knows that you are "vehemently against" moving in with her. Stand your ground as it sounds like you will be miserable if you agree. He can plan to spend some of his free time with his mother but he shouldn't put the burden on you. Is she open to having an aide come in every day to help her?

That is what I was thinking. There are so many good services that can visit and do things for her, even on a daily basis. Someone can do cooking and cleaning, or if needed help with more personal things.

Definitely let your husband know moving in with her isn't going to happen, so you need to come up with things to do to make her (and your husband) feel more comfortable with her remaining at home.

 

[barkley]

Most of my siblings seem fine keeping this arrangement up

I am close to all my siblings & want it to stay that way. But how do I tell them I can’t do this anymore?? I know my health will be suffering soon. I can feel my blood pressure go up as I leave for her house.

if 'most' of your siblings are fine with it then some are not, and you may find the others are really not but are just unwilling to speak up about it. maybe it's time to call for a sit-down with all the siblings (you know the family dynamics on weather it's a good idea to include spouses or not). discuss the reality of your mom's condition/living situation. if it's a hoarder house and something comes up where fire/emt are called in could they reasonably access/rescue her? if not you may find yourselves having to deal with a whole bigger mess than 'just' the hoard. if your mom is found to be in a dangerous living situation aps could step in and force her removal from the home and the city/county/township ordering the home brought up to safe standards. in that case you are on other's timelines-not your own, and those timelines (esp. with a hoarding situation) can come with hefty financial consequences (some places levy significant daily fines and don't give a care that the adult children are employed/childcare providers and can only do things nights and weekends). your adult sibling who lives with your mom could find them self homeless if local authorities deem the place uninhabitable (i could see a big risk of this with old electric and likely heating sources combined with a hoard).

as my mom began to worsen my siblings and i were in need of a discussion with an elder law attorney about some financial issues. i was amazed at how that discussion evolved into a much broader discussion of each others opinions and feelings about mom's (then) current and anticipated future living situation. what was perceived as one sib's position on the situation was found to be just the opposite, largely b/c we had only ever discussed it either in front of mom or in front of other (non sibling) family members (he always wanted to be perceived as 'the good son' so he would go along with shining mom on despite the toll it took on the other sibs).

good luck-it's very difficult parenting your own parent.

 

[VandVsmama]

I’m not really asking for advice but feel free if you want. I just need to sound off. I posted once before asking if folks would or could live with in laws. Well, it is definitely coming up to big decision time. I really didn’t think it would come to this…or maybe in the back of my mind I did. In laws wanted us to live with them to help them. In their 80’s. I didn’t want to and felt like my husband was on the same page. FIL ended up passing a little over a month ago. Now my husband wants us to move into a house that his mom could live with us in. We are three years from retirement, have our house (townhouse, so not big enough for more than us) paid for, and I DO NOT want to live with her. A house couldn’t be big enough. She is a nice enough person but I don’t want to give up our privacy and I just feel like it would be a three person marriage. I’m sure my being very much an introvert plays in as well.She is in good health but in beginning stages of dementia. She is very capable of living alone at this point but has the money for her care when she does need more. We manage her finances now because his dad did all of that when he was alive. When discussed, it evokes very strong emotions inside that let me know I could never go there. I feel very panicky…is that even a word??? I instantly want to cry. I even think about just telling my husband that I want him to go live with her and I will just live by myself. That really isn’t what I want though. He feels responsible for her and cares for her, and I do understand that too.
I know I am going to have to bite the bullet and just say that there is no way that I am going to live with her instead of just staying quiet. My husband knows how I feel but I just need to tell him straight out. He keeps throwing big hints. I know he will do what I wish but I’m afraid he will resent me down the line. We have a very good marriage but I am a bit concerned that this may end up coming between us.
I just needed to vent. I don’t really have good friends to talk to because of being introverted and just needed to get this off of my chest.
Thanks for listening.

Don't do it...don't have your MIL move in with you. This is a hard no. Not negotiable. Just tell your DH how you feel.

 

[China Expat]

Please don't view this as a criticism, just an observation. During my five years living at a new international boarding school in China, I was surprised to see that all of the parents of my Chinese teaching colleagues moved onto campus into our provided apartments. There were a lot of grandparents on campus! We had to establish rules for mealtimes in the dining room for extended family, taking food out of the dining room, etc. The grandparents were the primary child caretakers during the day for my teaching colleagues. It was such an interesting family model to see where it is expected that CHinese childen have their aging grandparents live with them, not even a question.
I will be facing these issues soon with my 85 year old mother!

 

[Colleen27]

You say she has the money for residential care and a paid-for home, so I'm assuming here that finances are not especially tight for her... would it be possible for her to move to your townhome community in a unit of her own, rather than into your actual home, as a sort of middle-ground compromise? That way, she'd be close enough for your husband to keep an eye on her and help her with day-to-day issues like shopping or whatever, and to keep close tabs on the progression of her dementia to know when the time has come for a full-time caregiver or residential care setting (and to supervise/coordinate any in-home help that you hire for her), but she wouldn't actually be living with you in your space. It might be a hard sell if she wants to stay in her own home, but probably no more difficult than your husband's suggestion of all of you moving into a home purchased expressly for that arrangement, and it would be far more respectful of your needs.

 

[Colleen27]

Please don't view this as a criticism, just an observation. During my five years living at a new international boarding school in China, I was surprised to see that all of the parents of my Chinese teaching colleagues moved onto campus into our provided apartments. There were a lot of grandparents on campus! We had to establish rules for mealtimes in the dining room for extended family, taking food out of the dining room, etc. The grandparents were the primary child caretakers during the day for my teaching colleagues. It was such an interesting family model to see where it is expected that CHinese childen have their aging grandparents live with them, not even a question.
I will be facing these issues soon with my 85 year old mother!

There's a *huge* difference in dementia rates between the US and China, though - their rate is about a third of ours. And dementia specifically complicates caregiving in ways that other health issues of age do not.

 

[jdb in AZ]

No elderly person wants to be "put out to pasture." We have an elderly uncle whose kids are trying to get him to choose an assisted living place. His youngest DD recently bought a nice(!) home with a private suite for him but he doesn't want to impose. So they found a place that's quite posh and less than a mile from the same DD. He's thinking maybe in a "year or two" he'll move there but he's already 91. One of the things he doesn't like there is that the women residents are "too young." He'll keep making excuses until his health forces the issue. His own mother was 90 when the family insisted she move to assisted living. She wasn't happy about it but it needed to happen. Her DD (my DMIL) made up every excuse she could think of when it was her own turn to move. The family moved her t.v. to the assisted living place and DMIL didn't have anything to do with herself at home so she reluctantly(!) allowed her kids to make the move.

One of the hardest things is knowing when to take away the car keys. The elderly insist they're fine when in reality they're an accident waiting to happen. In DMIL's case, her dementia was bad enough she would've gotten lost on the way home.

Good luck. I know it's difficult.

 

[2021isworse]

Thank you all for being supportive. To answer a few questions:
There are two siblings but they both live far away. One is 10 hours away and untrustworthy and the other is all the way across the country from us and has a husband she is having to be caregiver to. It is all up to us.
We have been trying to get them to move in our neighborhood for several years. In January, there were 4 units up for sale at the same time. Two of them even contacted us before putting them on the market because they knew we wanted his parents here. They actually looked at one of them but said they just weren’t ready. We even tried to get his dad to do it so his mom would be near if something happened to him. Once on the market, they all sold in a matter of hours. There is nothing now. That would be ideal. I could definitely live with that. He also mentioned to her on Saturday that we could move into another house close by and she could have our townhome. He said this to her, in front of me, without saying anything to me first. Not okay…and I did let him know that I didn’t appreciate that. He is grasping at straws. I feel like he feels that we need to be over-accommodating and need to fill the void that losing her husband has caused. We can’t do that.
She isn’t ready for assisted living yet but she would definitely be a good candidate for independent living. Takes care of herself well, keeps up with her medicine, washes clothes every day even though it is just her. Great housekeeper. Anything that is in her long term memory is good. Routines…she is good with. He handled all the bills so she couldn’t do that. Gets mixed up on when her appointments are so we have to remind her. We have to go with her because she won’t remember what the Dr says. If we tell her something several times it finally sticks, most of the time. She is stuck on her military id right now. They told us that as long as she isn’t going to go on base, she doesn’t need a new one because the insurance numbers remain the same. Her card doesn’t have an expiration date because of her age. She keeps telling us that she needs to get it changed and we keep telling her she doesn’t unless she goes on base and if that happens we can change it then. We don’t live anywhere near a base.
She lives about 15 -20 minutes from us depending on traffic. We go over at least every other day and my husband calls her multiple times a day.
I know that something is going to need to change at some point, in the near future, and I do understand his concern. But, I don’t feel that our lives need to be turned upside down (anymore than it already is) because of her change in living situations. I truly don’t mean that in an uncaring way.

Thanks again for reading and letting me vent. I love my husband with all of my heart and I really don’t want this to make things hard in our relationship but I feel like it definitely already is affecting us and may get harder. We are both praying about it.

 

[Colleen27]

One more thing to think about that might help if your husband hasn't looked at it from this angle - the time to move into a senior living facility is when you're still mostly independent and mostly have your faculties in tact. That way, you have time to enjoy the amenities of the community and make friends, rather than it becoming a situation of having to move in among strangers when you can no longer manage to stay in your home. My great aunt is in a lovely facility that offers a range of services from independent living to significant levels of assistance, though not quite full nursing care. She's 95 now and has been there for at least a decade, which has been wonderful for her because when she first moved in, she was going to and then eventually calling bingo, holding a weekly knitting group, playing pool, reading in the library, and generally getting to know the community. Now that she's starting to have more health issues, she has friends in the building who check on her in addition to having housekeeping and once-weekly nurse visits, and the complex feels like home so she doesn't get disoriented or frightened on her bad days the way she has when she's been in hospital or in a nursing home rehab stay. If her kids had waited until she really needed the level of care the facility provides, rather than moving her out of concern for how isolation might hasten cognitive decline after her husband died (leaving her, a non-driver, alone in a single family home in the kind of suburban neighborhood where people keep to themselves), it would have been a much more difficult transition for her.

My mother and I moved heaven and earth to keep my grandmother in her home, per her wishes, after my grandfather died. But in hindsight we both feel like if we knew then what we know now about the mental and physical impact of isolation on aging, we'd have pushed harder to move her into a facility where she would have had more opportunity to be around people. She came from a large family, ran a small business, and was always a very social woman, and being home alone so much of the time just wasn't good for her. We were there every other day or so, but that still leaves a lot of hours to fill with nothing but television and solitary pursuits, and the science (now - it wasn't as well-established back then) suggests a strong connection between that kind of isolation and faster mental and physical decline.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I will add that persons with any type of "dementia" do not follow a 1 ,2, 3, step phase. How the disease progresses will vary for everyone.
My mom vehemently refused to sign over any POA to myself or my sister because "she could think for herself". I can't begin to describe the situations of that. So to court we went and she was deemed incompetent ( of course she was!). The time to act on important matters is now! Also, do not move her into your home if that is not what you want!

 

[mjkacmom]

I will add that persons with any type of "dementia" do not follow a 1 ,2, 3, step phase. How the disease progresses will vary for everyone.
My mom vehemently refused to sign over any POA to myself or my sister because "she could think for herself". I can't begin to describe the situations of that. So to court we went and she was deemed incompetent ( of course she was!). The time to act on important matters is now! Also, do not move her into your home if that is not what you want!

My dad had Alzheimer’s, which actually follows 7 stages, the length of time between the stages varies a lot, his sister has it now, it’s hard seeing it all over again. https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/guide/understanding-alzheimers-disease-symptoms#1

 

[lisaviolet]

Forgive me in advance for stepping into a necessary intimate conversation. But you both must be filled with a myriad of emotions. And when that happens it is so difficult to think beyond them. Maybe you can get something out of my thoughts on how to approach it all. My family barely made it through, we did and are very connected. But in hindsight some compassion for everyone's place and perspective would have helped the situation at hand.

I would drive somewhere beautiful and peaceful, and as private as possible. I am suggesting the car because it is an environment that assists in completing a conversation.

I would take my husband's hand and first tell him that you are very proud of him, a man that has a such a strong commitment to his parents' well-being is a beautiful thing. And that you feel blessed to have been so lucky to have married such a man.

Let him know that you see that he wants the absolute best for his mother. And how that must be magnified so much when mourning and missing his father.

Tell him in a straightforward manner that you absolutely do not have it in you, and you realize how hard that is for him to hear. That it is often the woman in this scenario, hat ends up doing the daily work that is needed, - although you know and understand he feels committed to doing more than his equal share. It is just how it plays out. And tell him again you don't physically or mentally have it in you. And that fact will not be a positive situation for anyone; you, him or for his mother.

Tell him that you are overwhelmed how your need to directly share your thoughts might affect your marriage and you do not want him to resent your loving honesty. If that part scares you, tell him.

Reiterate how blessed and lucky you are to have married such a man. And tell him together you will figure this out. That you are absolutely committed to helping him find the best solution for everyone. And then I would brainstorm. Or set another time to sit together and brainstorm. Sometimes out of the most unrealistic thoughts comes a solution.

I wish all of you well.

And once again I know that I have stepped into territory that you didn't ask, or probably need. But it might just soften some edges on the heightened emotions these situations can bring.

 

[piccolopat]

Thank you all for being supportive. To answer a few questions:
There are two siblings but they both live far away. One is 10 hours away and untrustworthy and the other is all the way across the country from us and has a husband she is having to be caregiver to. It is all up to us.
We have been trying to get them to move in our neighborhood for several years. In January, there were 4 units up for sale at the same time. Two of them even contacted us before putting them on the market because they knew we wanted his parents here. They actually looked at one of them but said they just weren’t ready. We even tried to get his dad to do it so his mom would be near if something happened to him. Once on the market, they all sold in a matter of hours. There is nothing now. That would be ideal. I could definitely live with that. He also mentioned to her on Saturday that we could move into another house close by and she could have our townhome. He said this to her, in front of me, without saying anything to me first. Not okay…and I did let him know that I didn’t appreciate that. He is grasping at straws. I feel like he feels that we need to be over-accommodating and need to fill the void that losing her husband has caused. We can’t do that.
She isn’t ready for assisted living yet but she would definitely be a good candidate for independent living. Takes care of herself well, keeps up with her medicine, washes clothes every day even though it is just her. Great housekeeper. Anything that is in her long term memory is good. Routines…she is good with. He handled all the bills so she couldn’t do that. Gets mixed up on when her appointments are so we have to remind her. We have to go with her because she won’t remember what the Dr says. If we tell her something several times it finally sticks, most of the time. She is stuck on her military id right now. They told us that as long as she isn’t going to go on base, she doesn’t need a new one because the insurance numbers remain the same. Her card doesn’t have an expiration date because of her age. She keeps telling us that she needs to get it changed and we keep telling her she doesn’t unless she goes on base and if that happens we can change it then. We don’t live anywhere near a base.
She lives about 15 -20 minutes from us depending on traffic. We go over at least every other day and my husband calls her multiple times a day.
I know that something is going to need to change at some point, in the near future, and I do understand his concern. But, I don’t feel that our lives need to be turned upside down (anymore than it already is) because of her change in living situations. I truly don’t mean that in an uncaring way.

Thanks again for reading and letting me vent. I love my husband with all of my heart and I really don’t want this to make things hard in our relationship but I feel like it definitely already is affecting us and may get harder. We are both praying about it.

You haven't told us anything about the house she is living in. I would be especially concerned if there are stairs or other hazards that increase the risk of trips and falls. My mom was living independently with some mild dementia until she fell and broke her leg (86 at the time). Apparently a bird got into the house and she was trying to chase it out with a fly swatter when she fell into a solid oak coffee trunk. We think she was on the floor more than 8 hours because her morning coffee was still in the cup. Thankfully her neighbor was stopping by and found her (and my sister called her every day, often more than that). She had surgery and rehab and was released right before Covid hit. While she physically has mostly recovered, she now mostly uses a walker or holds on to you since she is much less steady on her feet. Worse is that the dementia that was very mild before has gotten to the point where she needs help toileting and showering, reminders to eat and drink, etc. She no longer lives alone (lives with my sister) and we are now preparing her house for sale. No one would have expected her single story home to have safety hazards, but as we age, anything can become a danger. Mom refused to get a medical alert too. If your MIL insists on staying in her house, perhaps you can talk to her about getting a medical alert. If she has a multistory house, can you set things up so she can live entirely on the main floor?

 

[2021isworse]

I like the medical alert idea. Not sure why we haven’t thought about that. Her house is big, two story.
My husband talked to her yesterday about how she is so forgetful and repeats things and how worried he is about her. She said, “Well, you need to move in here with me.” She cried and begged him to never put her in assisted living.

We were up a good portion of the night. He was so upset that I told him I would do whatever he wanted. He is afraid if he forces her to go into assisted living that she will get depressed and just give up and die. He does realize that her moving in with us or vice versa would be a big imposition in our marriage. He said that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. He brought up a lot of things that I have been thinking and several things you all have brought up so he has really been thinking about it too. Privacy issues, no freedom at all, the fact that these are supposed to be our golden years, not wanting to be her caregiver, etc. I still am not sure what we are going to do but I now know that his mind is straight, knowing that we would never be able to live with her.
We saw the saying, a long time ago, “This too shall pass…like a kidney stone,” and use it all the time. This is going to be one long and painful kidney stone.