I really not planned on getting into this great of detail on the intimate details of my family dynamics, but so many of you seem to think that my siblings and I are all a bunch of evil and no good. My mother has always had trouble with simple tasks like I said in my previous posts. Be it setting an alarm clock, changing a light bulb, stupid mundane tasks that I can't even think of right now. My father took care of it all. He also did the grocery shopping and drove her to work everyday. This wasn't something that anyone ever approached her about, but we knew that for whatever reason-she had trouble with these kinds of things. I don't know if there is a term for it or a diagnosis-but again, it just is. When I mention my mother being a manipulator-this isn't meant to classify her as evil. This is a defense mechanism as well. If she doesn't know how to do a simple task-she doesn't tell you she doesn't know how to do it. She has mastered a way to work around it so you don't catch on that she doesn't know how to do something. If you're not around her enough-you probably wouldn't even know that you were being manipulated. One of her workarounds when it comes to setting her alarm clock if she has an early appointment is to ask you to check on her if you don't hear her up in the morning. Just silly little things like that. If you push the issue and say why don't you set your alarm clock? She will immediately get defensive and raise her voice, etc. so that you will just do as she asked.
When my father died-we we're all in a panic. They didn't have senior communities 19 years ago like they do now. Besides-she wasn't a senior. She knew she couldn't live on her own even though she didn't come right out and say it-and we knew it as well. She couldn't set her clock to get up in the morning, she couldn't drive her self to work, etc. When I mentioned the possibility of her moving in with me-she jumped on it and never considered any other options. For a time, it looked like it might not happen due to zoning laws and such. She was even more panicked. I realize this is not normal for most 54 year-olds and certainly not for myself. Nobody was thinking clearly and certainly nobody was looking to swindle my mother out of anything. We were young, in mourning and panicked. This seemed like the best idea at the time. Obviously it was not. When I say she thought it was permanent-that's because nobody discussed terms, alternate plans, etc. What if my husband and I got divorced? What if one of us passed away? What if job situations changed, etc. Nothing was discussed. She was just thrilled to have her immediate problem solved. When I say I thought it was permanent-I meant that I thought this was our forever home. Just like when people get married-they assume it's forever-sometimes it's not.
The situation was not good from the start. As I also mentioned previously. But, I couldn't afford to buy her out and I wasn't going to put her out. So we dealt with it. I wonder at times if she even thinks she should have done something different but felt the same way I did-that everything was already done. I never moved her in to be a babysitter-she worked herself. I'm not looking to bash her and say she never did a thing for me-but she was not my house cleaner, baby sitter, cook or whatever.
Once she retired, she started to winter in the South. She was still left with a nice nest egg and she used her savings to do this. She does not have enough income coming in to replenish the savings. She has been doing this for about 13 years now. I do not know what she has left.
When she winters in the south, she stays in a retirement community. She loves it and looks forward to this time every year. She participates in activities, hangs out at the pool, has a card night, etc. She cannot afford to live there year-round. I thought that she would be happier in something like that here, but would never initiate the move on her own due to financial concerns.
So going forward-I have three choices: We can all continue to live here with the changes to the neighborhood; I can move and bring her with me to a home that is secluded, harder for her to get out and about from and doesn't provide the amount of living space that she has now; or I can move and she can move into the retirement community
She will not be abandoned and dropped off like trash at the retirement community. Really people, I've said multiple times that I will help her and see to it that all of her needs are met. She is and will always be a part of my family-but I don't think that means she has to physically live with me.
