Parenting a 19 year old in College. Help

[lukenick1]

UPDATE>>>>>>>>>>My son decided on his own not to go on the trip. He is not a fan of long car rides and once he saw the weather forecast at the destination that sealed the deal for him not to go. Thank you for the parental feedback, it is much appreciated.



My 19 year old college sophomore just moved on campus after commuting the past year and a half. He met some kids and wants to go on a spring break vacation with these boys who he met a month ago. It’s a14 hour drive to their destination. I know some of these kids have fake ID and drink heavily. My son drinks too he’s not innocent. It makes me very nervous and I’m telling him I don’t want him to go. I have never met these kids andthat is another reason. However my son is also an “adult”. He does value my input but I also don’t want him to resent me. I’m in such a pickle here. Please help. What would you do? I trust my son but my son is not driving.

 

[kymom99]

My 19 year old college sophomore just moved on campus after commuting the past year and a half. He met some kids and wants to go on a spring break vacation with these boys who he met a month ago. It’s a14 hour drive to their destination. I know some of these kids have fake ID and drink heavily. My son drinks too he’s not innocent. It makes me very nervous and I’m telling him I don’t want him to go. I have never met these kids andthat is another reason. However my son is also an “adult”. He does value my input but I also don’t want him to resent me. I’m in such a pickle here. Please help. What would you do? I trust my son but not these boys I do not know. My son is not driving.

Ask him if he truly thinks this is a good idea. Have a respectful conversation about the pros and cons. If he waffles, you could suggest taking a little family getaway to give him a reason to say no. You might be surprised that he may not really want to go.

 

[lukenick1]

Ask him if he truly thinks this is a good idea. Have a respectful conversation about the pros and cons. If he waffles, you could suggest taking a little family getaway to give him a reason to say no. You might be surprised that he may not really want to go.

I did and he said yes it’s a good idea and really wants to go but was also hoping to have our blessing to go. He’s not putting up a huge stink like he normally would be just reminding me how upset he will be when he sees their posts and hears their stories when they get back. I feel so bad

 

[leebee]

Parenting "adult" children...UGH. I understand your apprehension; DD decided to take herself on vacation, solo, to Asheville, NC at about the same age. She made all the plans herself and had a fine time, but I was anxious the whole time she was planning/gone, so I get how you are feeling. Here are a couple of questions to ask him.
1. Where are they staying? Anyone answering, "We'll get a cheap hotel when we get there" hasn't made a plan and IMO isn't mature enough to be doing this. It's not like back in the day, when you could stuff 8 kids into a no-tell-motel with 2 double beds. There ARE no vacancies in spring-break destinations, and hoteliers watch occupancy much more closely than back in the "olden days."
2. How is he paying for this? I know I wouldn't be paying for a vacation that I didn't feel was safe and had a smart plan made in advance. [FTR, DD paid for her trip- she had her own Southwest points to use and stayed in a cheap but clean guest house, researched on TripAdvisor, etc.]
3. Whose vehicle are they using, what kind of shape is it in, who'll be driving, and what are the contingency plans if the car breaks down?
4. Don't let him guilt you into something you feel is inherently unsafe or not well planned. He's reminding you of how upset he'll be when he sees these guys' pictures, and you feel bad? I'd feel bad too, but I'd feel worse if something unmentionable happened to my kid while traveling on a trip that I didn't feel was a smart, safe thing to do.

The bottom line is, he is an adult, and his daily life is filled with people you don't know. It's a hard age, especially if they are spreading their wings for the first time. At least when DD went to NC, I knew she'd flown enough to know how to manage late arrivals, delays/departures, making connections, etc., and when she traveled for dance auditions I knew who she was traveling with. It's nice that he told you what's up and wants you to be aware of his plans, but given his age, he doesn't really need your permission. About all you can do is ask him questions about details and back-up plans, let him know how you feel about things and why, and let him make the decision- and yes, I think it's OK to let him know how worried you are about all this. He's guilt-tripping you about how sad he'll feel if he doesn't get to go, but you have concrete concerns about his plans. That's not guilt tripping him into NOT going- it's trying to make sure that the details are solid, even if you don't think the trip is a good idea, before he leaves. Good luck with this- it's a hard age, for sure!

 

[princesscinderella]

I don’t think there’s much you can do besides get the information of where he’s staying and reinforce to not get into a car with one of these kids if they have been drinking. Make sure he has access to Uber or Lyft on his phone so he can have a back up plan to get to the hotel. Does your son have a car and can insist to use his for the drive there if that’s the part that makes you the most nervous? If he’s not as much of a drinker as the others he can be the designated driver and maintain some control of the situation. These situations are how they learn to be functional adults and we need to let them make choices good and questionable sometimes by our standards as their parents.

 

[tinkerjo]

I always “discouraged”spring break trips. I feel there is too many things That can go wrong. I sure enough wouldn’t finance it. If he really wants to go, use his own money. If he doesn’t have it, too bad. He is an adult but we still have some loose authority as parents while they are in college because we manage the purse strings. Use your best judgement and good luck. My DD went her Senior year with a group of friends but it wasn’t busy area or week.

 

[QueenIsabella]

It's tough, to be sure. My DD19 is on break right now. She drove 5 hours to visit a roommate--left on Monday, be back on Friday. I know that's a little different, but it's still hard. She did all the driving, including swinging by to pick up a friend, 2 hours out from here.

She 's paying for everything. We had her switch cars with her dad--her college car is 17 years old and sucks gas (it's actually a Toyota Sequoia). We reminded her that we have AAA, and they can hep her. She has a GPS. We told her we expected a text when she got to the first friend's house, and another when she arrived at her final destination.

In terms of your son, I think the most important thing is to let him know that he can call you, any time, for any reason. You will help him out if he's in a jam. There might be consequences, but you'll help him. You trust him to be safe and act like an adult (you may not, completely, but telling him this will make him feel like you respect his decision. Even if you're waffling. Which, I get.)

Good luck, I feel your pain.

 

[sam_gordon]

I understand the concern. DS is 19, and he and his GF are driving to Florida for Spring Break. I'm not so much worried about their behavior, but every one else on the road (no offense to anyone driving I75 next week).

I think the best thing you can do is actually sit down and let him know exactly what your concerns are. Ask him what he plans to do if one of his friends drinks and then gets behind the wheel? What if the "drinker" "only" has one beer (or two)? Do they have some place to stay? Is he taking condoms with him?

Does he have a CC if he needs to separate from the group? Does he have funds OTHER than the CC to use in "normal" situations (food, drink, gas, souvenirs)?

As you say, he is an adult. I don't think you can "ban" him from going. I think you CAN give him things to think about before he leaves.

 

[holden]

I'd have an honest conversation about your concerns. Also let him know that you are there if he needs you or wants to come home early. Both of our kids know we will pick them up anywhere for any reason.

 

[PezRuth]

Honestly, my opinion on this is he is 19. If he is paying his own way for the trip I would be fine with him going. I would make sure i have had a conversation with him about all of the details and what to do in certain situations and who to call in those situations. This is the age where they will start to learn on their own and I feel like experiences like these are important at that age.

 

[slo]

Who’s paying for it?

If he’s paying with his own money, then I’d voice my concerns with an adult conversation. If he still wants to go, then I’d text him when he’s gone asking him if he’s having fun. He’s more likely to share that he‘s having fun, than to check in to say he’s ok. If he’s having fun, then you know he’s ok.

If you’re needing to pay for it, then I would not give him the money - you don’t have to pay for him to go, especially if you have a gut feeling saying you’re not comfortable with him going. He’ll probably be mad, but then you can tell him to save his money and he can go next year.

ETA…..if he goes, I’d definitely tell him to let you know if he feels unsafe and you’ll come get him. I have a 19yr old too, and even though they are considered an adult, there’s so many things they aren’t wise about yet. Also, my DD19 has her own Chase credit card for our account, so if she needs to use it in an emergency she can wherever and whenever she needs to - she ALWAYS has money with her.

 

[Allison]

My parents didn't meet my college friends and I didn't meet most of the college friends of my kids. That's normal. They are at college. They aren't going to bring most of their circle of friends home to meet the parents.

He is an adult who needs to learn to be an adult. He should go.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Well, not a parent and I did drink in college underage. The part of your comments that would cause me concern is that some of the kids drink heavily. Looking back on high school and college, the kids who were the heaviest drinkers are the ones who had that terrible car accident, or dropped out of school, or it caught up to them later in life (and not so later in some cases). I know we've all seen this time and time again.

You son has to navigate the world and it sounds like he's excited to have met friends having just moved on campus. Socially, that seems to make him (and possibly his friends) more like college Freshman than second semester sophomores who have gotten those first away-from-home-drinking experiences under their belts.

As others have said, go over all of the things that can go wrong, the decisions he may have to make on the fly, on and on. Good luck!

 

[DeeBee3]

Can't ban him but that won't stop you from worrying. My biggest fear is the drinking and subsequent actions following. Is anyone responsible enough not to drink/smoke while driving? They need a place stay (as mentioned) and they can't go on the fly. Where is he going? We all see the news. You need to be very aware of surroundings especially at Spring Break time.

If he ends up stranded aka something happens he doesn't like, OR they literally have no place to stay or the car breaks down, he needs a plan. The plan should involve you but not your money. He should know the boundaries.

Best of luck. He's still a "teenager" and even though he's adult-ish we all have been that age. Some are more mature than others. You know your son, but the issue is you don't know the "friends."

 

[kymom99]

Who’s paying for it?

If he’s paying with his own money, then I’d voice my concerns with an adult conversation. If he still wants to go, then I’d text him when he’s gone asking him if he’s having fun. He’s more likely to share that he‘s having fun, than to check in to say he’s ok. If he’s having fun, then you know he’s ok.

If you’re needing to pay for it, then I would not give him the money - you don’t have to pay for him to go, especially if you have a gut feeling saying you’re not comfortable with him going. He’ll probably be mad, but then you can tell him to save his money and he can go next year.

ETA…..if he goes, I’d definitely tell him to let you know if he feels unsafe and you’ll come get him. I have a 19yr old too, and even though they are considered an adult, there’s so many things they aren’t wise about yet. Also, my DD19 has her own Chase credit card for our account, so if she needs to use it in an emergency she can wherever and whenever she needs to - she ALWAYS has money with her.

I have a friend whose son many years ago wanted to go to Florida with a friend. My friend refused to pay for it. He left with $6 and a case of burritos. We still laugh about it. She took a stand and he made his decision. A little different because o think the friend asked him to ride along and he said he’d take care of lodging etc.

 

[mjkacmom]

My 20 year old is heading to the DR for spring break with friends I’ve never met, last year she went to Florida with other friends, 7 hour drive. They all have fake ID. She’s also traveled from SC to NJ and back (12 hours), I remind her to stay awake for the driver. My 22 year old is headed to Nashville tomorrow morning. We do not fund trips, just pay gas for trips to and from college. One thing I’ve noticed is this age group (my kids range from 20 - 26), is that they are very anti drinking and driving, they Uber.

 

[Brian Noble]

This is hard. It's especially hard for those of us who remember doing things at that age that were ill-advised, at best. I think the reason that it is hard is that this is a period of transition from the parent/growing-child relationship where the parent has both responsibility and some control to one where the parent can offer advice, but that's about it.

The good news: there is a line of communication between the two of you. The fact that he is telling you this means he still values your input, even though he may not end up listening to it! The bad news: If he really wants to go, there isn't much you can do about it except worry.

The other thing that makes this hard: young adults at that age are physiologically incapable of assessing risk in the same way that you or I might. That turns out to be important for growing up, but it makes things much harder for those of us watching!

If he is open to hearing what you have to say, I would first ask him to consider whether this group tends to be responsible about drinking and driving. Many kids this age are very very good about this, because they grew up with Uber/Lyft/etc. where they can get a ride to anywhere, at any time, for a few bucks. That's a big improvement over when I was their age. Make it clear that you aren't asking him to tell you whether or not they are, but just whether or not he knows that they are. (If you ask him to tell you, he will tell you that of course they are good, whether or not they are.) I would also make the following offer: If at any point they need a ride somewhere, and there is no one able to do that safely, that I'd pay for the Uber, no questions asked.

Yes, they might take advantage of my generosity. That's fine with me. But that's the only thing I would pay for. The rest is on them.

You also don't have to tell him it's a good idea. It's fine to say "I don't think this is a good idea, but I also know you get to decide for yourself." That way you aren't offering him your blessing (which it sounds like you do not want to do) but you are not giving him a reason to resent you.

 

[rlk]

.

 

[lukenick1]

He was invited to go with them. They rented a house and it’s in MyrtleBeach. My biggest worry is the highway driving. So so dangerous and they plan to drive through the night which scares me worse. Open road means more speed and potential to fall asleep at the wheel. Not to mention passengers drinking in the car. 14 hours away from me is not a place I can go rescue him. He is using his own money. The other element is that he’s got life threatening peanut/tree nut allergies. He’s pretty aware but what if he accidentally comes in contact with those things? Also just knowing these kids for a month what if they get mad and ditch him somewhere? All these awful thoughts come to mind. Hate this worry and fear
It also doesn’t help his 22 yr old college senior brother is in Cabo for spring break that I approve of. I just trust his older brothers maturity level more.

 

[bluezy]

Our kids went somewhere on spring break most of their college years. Sometimes it was somewhere fairly local (2-3 hours away) and other times it was 12-14 hours away or even to another country. They always paid for all of their own expenses on those trips. My parents never let me go anywhere for spring break or even in summer. I was too paranoid to ever do anything without their express permission and I regret not speaking up and pushing boundaries a little more when I was over 18. I had the opportunity to do a summer job (not related to my major) at ABC studios in Los Angeles one summer (I live in PA). My best friend at college (who my parents had only met once at that point) had an uncle who was an on-air reporter on a news program at the time. He and his wife had no children so my friend had spent extended visits with them over holidays and the previous summer because they liked having "kids" around. Her uncle offered to get us summer jobs at the studio and we could stay at their house. He had a car that we could share for the summer or he or his wife would drive us to work (they were 15 minutes from the studio). All we had to pay for was our plane ticket there and home and any "extra" things (sight seeing, gas for the car, etc.). They would take care of food for any meals we'd eat at their house. A once-in-a-lifetime experience that my parents flat-out refused to let me do. I was so upset. I will always regret not putting my foot down and saying I was an adult and I was going to do it anyway (I had the money to cover the flight and misc. expenses). Anyway.....I swore when my kids wanted to do trips with friends in college, as difficult it would be for me as a parent to let them do it, I was not going to deprive them of those memories. Whenever they told me they were planning to go somewhere for Spring Break, I would just remind them that they were adults now and any stupid things they did and got arrested for would be on their adult records and would be something they would have to disclose when they were applying for scholarships and jobs. We'd talk about not drinking and driving, being respectful of the neighbors (they weren't always going to typical Spring Break locations), and what to do if they were in an uncomfortable situation. I told them they needed to check in with me every day they were gone (a text or selfie was fine) and I insisted that someone else on the trip had to have my cell phone number and I needed to have that person's number as well just in case of an emergency. And then I prayed and stressed the whole time they were gone. They always came home safe and sound and full of memories and had lots of stories to tell (and lots of stories to *not* tell, I'm sure. ).