phone for a 7th grader? Best parental monitoring apps.

[dez1978]

I've managed to hold off thru 6th grade, but I've decided to get my kid a phone for his 12th bday this summer. He has informed me multiple times he's "the only kid in 6th grade who doesn't have one!! He'll be going into 7th grade and staying after school for sports and riding buses to/from games and I want him to have a way to get a hold of us. I will probably get him an IPhone SE, mainly because we are already an apple family. Also because we have a metal roof which messes with the cell signal, and even on wifi there is an issue sending messages to/from android phones from our house and they often won't go thru. But imessages always do. So that is the pro to getting an iphone, bc a phone doesn't do much good if the texts won't go thru. So then I need to decide, do I just get him an Iphone SE (or whatever is cheapest) or give him my 13 and get an upgrade?

Also, I know Bark is highly rated but doesn't seem to work as well on apple devices, so if anyone has recs on a good parental monitoring app, that would be awesome. I don't wanna spy on him or anything, but he doesn't always make the best decisions or think before he does something (thanks adhd) so I want just something that will alert me to the red flag stuff.

So I ask the hive mind, wwyd?

 

[sam_gordon]

I've managed to hold off thru 6th grade, but I've decided to get my kid a phone for his 12th bday this summer. He has informed me multiple times he's "the only kid in 6th grade who doesn't have one!! He'll be going into 7th grade and staying after school for sports and riding buses to/from games and I want him to have a way to get a hold of us. I will probably get him an IPhone SE, mainly because we are already an apple family. Also because we have a metal roof which messes with the cell signal, and even on wifi there is an issue sending messages to/from android phones from our house and they often won't go thru. But imessages always do. So that is the pro to getting an iphone, bc a phone doesn't do much good if the texts won't go thru. So then I need to decide, do I just get him an Iphone SE (or whatever is cheapest) or give him my 13 and get an upgrade?

Also, I know Bark is highly rated but doesn't seem to work as well on apple devices, so if anyone has recs on a good parental monitoring app, that would be awesome. I don't wanna spy on him or anything, but he doesn't always make the best decisions or think before he does something (thanks adhd) so I want just something that will alert me to the red flag stuff.

So I ask the hive mind, wwyd?

I would not sink a lot of money into a first phone. Once they've proven (usually a year or two) that they can manage to not lose it and use it responsibly (ie: not get it taken away by a teacher), then maybe "the latest and greatest".

If YOU want a new phone, I don't see any reason not to hand down the 13 (assuming it's paid off). Otherwise, sure, get him the SE.

I can't help on the software, I just use "FindMyIphone" occasionally to see where the kids are.

 

[Schneewittchen37]

My kids, DS13 (7th grade) and DD11 (5th grade) have stupid flip phones. They can call and text. That's it.

 

[kdonnel]

I’m not a fan of parental monitoring software.

We often had direct and frank conversations with the kids about what was and was not appropriate. Never went through their phones.

In exchange our kids were honest enough with us.

They told stories of kids that were closely monitored but just used friends phones to hide their activities from their parents.

 

[OneOftheB's]

Both of my kids received hand me down phones when they turned 12. I did a bunch of research and ended up going with Qustodio to monitor their iphones. It blocks specified apps or websites as well as categories of websites. It also tracks search history and you can limit the number of hours the kid can spend on electronics total as well as specific websites and will turn the phone off during specified hours, except for dialing 911.

It has been a good choice for us. There is no drama about one more minute on the phone or computer. And it has saved my daughter a ton of embarrassment when she was looking up campfire songs one night at girl scouts. Did you know that if you google Hermie the Worm (a perennial favorite of my daughter's troup) adult websites pop up? Me neither, nor did my 12 year old but Qustodio recognized they weren't appropriate and blocked them. Unfortunately it's not always about trusting your kid, its also about a naive 12 googling campfire song lyrics.

 

[darnheather]

I honestly wish I had not gotten my kids a smart phone. If I could do it over I would buy them flip phones or other simple phones until they turned 18.

 

[dez1978]

My kids, DS13 (7th grade) and DD11 (5th grade) have stupid flip phones. They can call and text. That's it.

Thats cool, but that isn't going to work for us. They'd never be about to use it at home, or text us if we were at home.

I’m not a fan of parental monitoring software.

We often had direct and frank conversations with the kids about what was and was not appropriate. Never went through their phones.

In exchange our kids were honest enough with us.

They told stories of kids that were closely monitored but just used friends phones to hide their activities from their parents.

You can be honest and have the best relationships with your kids, but that doesn't mean they can't be targeted or tricked. And that is great that you trust your kids to never make a mistake or hide anything from you. I can talk to my kid about what is appropriate and be honest till I am blue in the face. That doesn't mean he can't/won't still be taken advatage of by strangers or bullied by kids at school or on social media. That doesn't mean he won't do something to try to be cool and impress his friends or a girl. Not everyone who monitors their kids phones are trying to catch their children doing something wrong. Most of us are watching for others trying to do wrong to our kids. Kids do stupid things and make bad choices and there plenty of people out there to waiting to capitalize on that.

Also I am pretty sure that some the parents of children who have comitted suicide because of bullying on social media and school, mostly thought the same as you do. That they had a great relationship with their kids and thought they'd tell them if they had a problem and had no idea this was going on or that their kids were so unhappy.
I'm sure the teenage boy a couple years ago who sent inappropriate pics to someone he thought he knew on Instagram, knew that it was wrong when he did it. And I bet his parents had talked to him about it too. And then when the person who it really was that now had those pics started threatening to show them to everyone if he didn't pay up, he unalived himself because he was scared. I bet his parents thought the same things as you.

I know I can't protect my kids from everything, but there are plenty of things I can protect them from, and that is my job. And after working in prisons for 18 years, I know exactly the kind of monsters who are out there, because I worked with them every day. So if having something like Bark that alerts me to red flag situations helps me do that, I am all about it.

 

[dez1978]

Both of my kids received hand me down phones when they turned 12. I did a bunch of research and ended up going with Qustodio to monitor their iphones. It blocks specified apps or websites as well as categories of websites. It also tracks search history and you can limit the number of hours the kid can spend on electronics total as well as specific websites and will turn the phone off during specified hours, except for dialing 911.

It has been a good choice for us. There is no drama about one more minute on the phone or computer. And it has saved my daughter a ton of embarrassment when she was looking up campfire songs one night at girl scouts. Did you know that if you google Hermie the Worm (a perennial favorite of my daughter's troup) adult websites pop up? Me neither, nor did my 12 year old but Qustodio recognized they weren't appropriate and blocked them. Unfortunately it's not always about trusting your kid, its also about a naive 12 googling campfire song lyrics.

I wish I could both laugh and love this one! And that is another great point. It's not just about trust, it's about kids who haven't learned that there are dirty campfire songs out there so have no idea they shouldn't search that. Or just in general who haven't learned about all the things in life that can go wrong, so they don't know to avoid it.

 

[anniemae]

It's so hard as a parent when the phone conversation comes up. I held off for my kids too and they were upset and said they were the only ones without phones. Many kids had the newest iPhones but my kids got hand me downs. I hate the phones because they open up a whole world for them. Like a pp, we didn't do any of the monitoring especially since our kids got phones later. If I was giving them a phone in 4th grade, I would probably have done some sort of monitoring. We just had long talks about internet safety and what is appropriate and we did not let them have phones in their rooms overnight for a while. I feel like that is when bad stuff happens

 

[kdonnel]

Thats cool, but that isn't going to work for us. They'd never be about to use it at home, or text us if we were at home.

You can be honest and have the best relationships with your kids, but that doesn't mean they can't be targeted or tricked. And that is great that you trust your kids to never make a mistake or hide anything from you. I can talk to my kid about what is appropriate and be honest till I am blue in the face. That doesn't mean he can't/won't still be taken advatage of by strangers or bullied by kids at school or on social media. That doesn't mean he won't do something to try to be cool and impress his friends or a girl. Not everyone who monitors their kids phones are trying to catch their children doing something wrong. Most of us are watching for others trying to do wrong to our kids. Kids do stupid things and make bad choices and there plenty of people out there to waiting to capitalize on that.

Also I am pretty sure that some the parents of children who have comitted suicide because of bullying on social media and school, mostly thought the same as you do. That they had a great relationship with their kids and thought they'd tell them if they had a problem and had no idea this was going on or that their kids were so unhappy.
I'm sure the teenage boy a couple years ago who sent inappropriate pics to someone he thought he knew on Instagram, knew that it was wrong when he did it. And I bet his parents had talked to him about it too. And then when the person who it really was that now had those pics started threatening to show them to everyone if he didn't pay up, he unalived himself because he was scared. I bet his parents thought the same things as you.

I know I can't protect my kids from everything, but there are plenty of things I can protect them from, and that is my job. And after working in prisons for 18 years, I know exactly the kind of monsters who are out there, because I worked with them every day. So if having something like Bark that alerts me to red flag situations helps me do that, I am all about it.

Just remember that what you see on their phone is only what they want you to see.

It is very easy for a kid to use another’s phone. To login to social media accounts you know nothing about and interact with people you are not aware of.

The first line of defense has to be an open and honest two way relationship.

 

[princesscinderella]

I utilize the screen time features in the IPhone software. It’s pretty straightforward to set up. It can block them from downloading apps, content filters and use time for different apps. You can even have all the texts they send sent yours too if you want. You can manually block sites too you know they shouldn’t go to. My kids didn’t get access to a social media app until high school. The middle school kids seem to be the worst with social media in my experience, they have so little impulse control. There’s been kids kicked out of my daughters middle school (private) for bad choices on social media. I also deactivated location on pictures they take so that way if they send it to someone it can’t be geotagged back to the house if they make a bad choice and send a picture to the wrong person. We had an police officer give a talk to parents about phone safety and it was crazy the information that can be pulled from a picture.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I see two different topics happening here on this thread so far by the OP

Are you wanting to just be able to use parental controls in a way so you can filter bad or inappropriate content out?

Or are you wanting to actually monitor your child's every move?

 

[Colleen27]

I’m not a fan of parental monitoring software.

We often had direct and frank conversations with the kids about what was and was not appropriate. Never went through their phones.

In exchange our kids were honest enough with us.

They told stories of kids that were closely monitored but just used friends phones to hide their activities from their parents.

That's not the only purpose of software, though. I had monitoring on my daughter's phone in middle school to remove the "just one more video" temptation to use it too late in the evening or pick it up "just to check real quick" when having trouble sleeping or after waking up in the middle of the night. Time limits - both so it wouldn't work during school hours, because even though they're allowed to use devices at lunch/recess I wanted her interacting with friends instead, and so it could only be used for emergencies at night - were probably 90% of the reason I installed a monitoring program at all.

I also used it as a check against the sometimes too-trusting nature of kids who click links or download fun-looking apps that might not be what they appear on the surface, because she needed to be able to communicate with us (we don't have a home phone) before she really had a good grasp on what it means to vet content for scams or malware.

I never felt the need to check my kids' browser histories or read their communications, and I'm fairly confident they don't hide things from me. But I still wanted some limits in place for their first forays into the wild west that is digital communication.

Unfortunately, OP, we're an Android family and I found Google's Family Link to be entirely adequate for what I wanted to do, so I can't offer any suggestions for how to manage an Apple device.

 

[China Expat]

I laugh at how my sister and I survived childhood and made it out alive! We'd hop on our bikes Saturday morning with a scout canteen of water and disappear until the sun was setting. We had no phones, no money, and no way of checking in with our parents. We built forts in the fields, stole corn from the back field, played endless games in the cul de sac, and more. It really was a simpler, easy time.

 

[White Cat]

I laugh at how my sister and I survived childhood and made it out alive! We'd hop on our bikes Saturday morning with a scout canteen of water and disappear until the sun was setting. We had no phones, no money, and no way of checking in with our parents. We built forts in the fields, stole corn from the back field, played endless games in the cul de sac, and more. It really was a simpler, easy time.

I grew up much the same. Including the corn part. I don’t think we had a shirt on all summer long except going to church.

 

[T.G.I.Friday]

As a fellow mom to a middle schooler, I’m going to warn you about the worst app in the world - Snapchat. There is zero ability to monitor it. And don’t even get me started on the location sharing! Other than spot checking snaps and stories, you have no idea what is being sent back and forth. And of course, all of the kids have it and want it. It’s harmless enough, with them sending pictures of ceiling and weird faces, but I can see how it can be so incredibly dangerous.

At least before with iMessaging, I could read her text threads. Haha.

Dd is in 7th grade, and she got her first Iphone with service last Christmas when she was in 6th. The timing worked for us, and I feel like most kids in our area have them by this age. I like being able to text her when she’s on the bus/going to an after school event and knowing that she can get ahold of us.

ETA - we have always had her settings require that she get parental permission before downloading an app, so that has continued with her phone. It’s not a big deal, and we approve most requests, but it does allow us to be on the front end and have a conversation about them or explain why we don’t think it’s something she needs.

 

[EACarlson]

My 4th grader just had a big explosion in his class with a bunch of girls cyber bullying each other on Tik Tok. He's had a phone for almost two years now and we've had discussions on what are apps he's allowed and what ones he's not, Tik Tok and Snapchat are on the top of the list. We allow him to talk with his friends on Messenger Kids where we can log in and see what his conversations are.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I both love and hate Bark. I love that Bark doesn't just let parents spy on their kids. I don't see everything my daughter browses, I don't see every single text, but it picks up on keywords and sends snippets to me if they are concerning, and it lets you flag things that you are concerned about, like sef-harm, bullying, sexual content. It frequently gets that wrong (it has sent several text conversations between me and her to me to review for "bullying" or "self-harm" when it took something out of context). It has also picked up on some issues with her friends. If I know the parents of her friends she texts with I tell them Em has Bark on her phone and it's going to be monitoring their conversations, if I don't know the parents then I make sure Em tells these new friends that she has monitoring on her phone. What I don't love about Bark is how laughably easy it is to disable. It's kind of a joke. Also, because all the monitoring apps use VPNs, they can't work together. I also pay for TMobile Family Time because it allows me to take complete control of her phone if need be, and we have had a couple times where I needed to, but I had to disable the Bark first in order to use Family Time.

 

[Lilsia]

I’m not a fan of parental monitoring software.

We often had direct and frank conversations with the kids about what was and was not appropriate. Never went through their phones.

In exchange our kids were honest enough with us.

They told stories of kids that were closely monitored but just used friends phones to hide their activities from their parents.

We did not put any of those monitoring software on our kids' phone either. We spoke often about the realities of life and how people are. We talked to them about being safe and what not to do. We have always been open and honest with them and no subject was taboo. They could come to us with anything, and they did. My daughter as has told us stories about her friends who's parents monitor them and they sneak around a lot.

 

[nancipants]

Whatever you to, turn off autoplay on YouTube videos and check what videos they've watched on a regular basis. The algorithm can suggest some horrible videos to impressionable young kids.