OK HFA/Aspie parents can anyone throw some advice my way?
DS is in mainstreamed second grade (with a PT one-on-one aide) and currently dx'd with HFA/Asperger's, ADHD, SID/SPD (call it what you wish), and mild anxiety. While we are making progress, and by progress I mean not locking himself in the bathroom or hiding under a desk after he has acted impulsively, I am failing to make the right choices for behavior modification.
I know how you feel. It's like trying to re-parent your child, learning a whole new way of dealing with things. Don't feel like your failing, believe me I do to, but then I need to remember it's no one's fault sometime's not even DS's...keep your chin up, vent, cry, sceam, if you have to....
If I try to use an incentive or prize, it backfires. If he makes a mistake during the school day, the rest of the day is a wash because he is so upset that he will not have earned the reward. And I don't want him to expect a prize for everything either. Yet, if I try taking things away, that hasn't worked well either.
We don't do prizes everyday but DS earns "chore points" for doing a 2 step/day chore same thing every week (garbage cans), homework, etc. He gets 1 point per thing during the week, he collects the points in a cup. Then anytime he wants a reward such as tv time, computer time, etc he has to "cash" in a specific designated amount of points to do that, of course though it has to be OK by parent and a suitable time (we sometimes struggle with this part) It's not fail proof, but it helps control outbursts of failed expectations of rewards/prizes. It's working for us....you can use the points for any responisiblity or even behavior you want to reward, and of course our DS loses points for opposite behavior.
For example, I got a call today from the Principal. Apparently at recess, DS wanted to play ball with the other boys. So after sitting and watching them, he joined in on defense and proceeded to hit one boy and punch another as he went for the ball. When questioned why he did it he replied, "I was just doing what the other kids were doing." Luckily, the Principal has been an advocate for DS and explained to me that she knew he had no ill intent but that he had "detention" today for making a poor choice and he was instructed to tell me when he gets home. Now, I don't know if it's the Asperger's or how he was raised, but DS just cannot lie so I know he will come home and tell me and be all upset that he didn't reach his goal of the day. Do I give a little reward for telling the truth as his teachers suggest or do nothing?
I'm sorry that happend to your DS during recess, it's a shame he recieved a "detention" for something that looks like a poor social judgement in a game...my DS struggles the hardest each day during the lunch/recess hour...to abstrct, to unstructered. It is hard to advocate for your child in school and fit in the "rules" of school when they don't always work for an Aspie child...that is a hard choice to reward or not reward with something tangible.
I know that he can't prevent all the things he does so where do I draw the line between holding him accountable and what he can't control? It has been a source of great debate between DH and I.
I hear you big-time, we struggle with the same thing, sometimes on a daily basis. I can't give any huge words of wisdom, but just encouragement you are not alone here. Try and talk with DH when things are not going chaotic and try hard to set some base lines that both of you can follow and then try and explain these things to DS when he is not having a "melt-down". One thing I've learned, not that I always remember is in the melt down moment, my DS can not respond to reason...our Dr. says to always deal with disclipline for these and other moments with a pure mono tone fact of matter voice. It's hard, but sometimes I leave, settle myself and then go back and try with him...good luck there.
Any words of wisdom?