wedding, but not really

[smartestnumber5]

I have a big Italian family and there are a number of 2nd cousins and such of mine around my age (20s) who have recently gotten married or are getting married soon. Since the family is large weddings are usually large and those getting married can make a good deal of money from the wedding gifts (as well as wedding shower gifts) and all that. In addition to the financial benefits, there's also a definite air of respectability (like, you're really an adult now I guess) that comes with a wedding.

My gf and I have been speculating about how--at some date probably a few years in the future--we can cash in on the money (we're a poor grad student and poor going back for a second more practical BA student--it would be pocket change to some but to us it could be part of a down payment on a house or something) and the respectibility. Of course, we could have a wedding. Except, neither of us actually wants a wedding or a marriage--which is not to say we don't want to be in a committed long term relationship--just that we have issues w/ marriage and even more issues w/ traditional weddings.

Right now we live in a state where same-sex marriage isn't legal and there are no state domestic partnership options, although we have already become domestic partners in our city in order to obtain health insurance benefits and all the ceremony that took was the signing of a piece of paper. So it's not like there are any actual legal benefits we could get from having a wedding or some kind of commitment ceremony. And I'm not sure there's all that much emotionally that we're looking for from it either. Really it's about the presents, the respectibility, the fact that my huge family will probably never even be forced to hear that my gf exists if there's not some event we have and they come to, etc. Really what I want to do is send out invitations saying "everyone in this family throws a big party and walks away with $5-10,000 and lots of them end up doing it again after their first divorce--I should get the same deal as they do!"

So the question is, how do I get that deal? Should we fake a wedding? Have some type of commitment celebration which is as untraditional and unwedding like as we can make it? Should we "elope" and then send out announcements, thus essentially requiring them all to send presents?

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Wow. Double wow. I can only fear that I'm about to get seriously flamed, but I'm going to pretend that I am intrepid...

"Getting unified" by any means for the sake of gathering presents is wrong. Period. I don't care who else does it. I don't care how lucrative a practice it is. Sharing your life with another human being should transcend profit.

If you want to have a formal ceremony whereby you dedicate yourselves to each other, even in the face of today's social climate, then by all means do so. But do it for the meaning of the love you share, the committment that you have to each other, not the Ralph Lauren sheets or the Kitchen Aid Mixer.

Just because any number of opposite gendered couples have weddings for seemingly the sole purpose of gathering in the goods, doesn't make it right.

Sorry, but you did ask.

 

[smartestnumber5]

oops sorry

 

[themarquis]

OOOPS ... this is smartestnumberfive's gf. I at first posted this under her name! Which would have looked mighty strange .....!

I know a lot of straight couples who got married for the presents ... I suppose they might have had some other reasons as well ... but I think the big motivating force for all of them was really presents/money.

And let's think about this ... the celebration of "Sharing your life with another human being" is great and all, but there are lots of ways of doing this that don't involve a traditional (or semi-traditional) wedding ceremony.

What a traditional wedding ceremony is good for is demonstrating to traditional-thinking people that your relationship is serious and deserves recognition. Part of this recognition is purely psychological -- i.e., being seen as an adult, being seen as an entity, being seen as capable/worthy of raising kids together, accepting a person's partner as a new member of the family, etc. But part of this recognition .... is monetary. This isn't about money-grubbing greed. It could be about two people who want to start a life together but maybe need some help getting a down payment on a house or the stuff to fill a house. Relatives -- esp. a huge italian family -- can help with this. But they won't help if they don't take the relationship seriously. This is not to say that family members "owe" anybody entering a domestic partnership anything ... but they might be willing or even eager to help if they can conceptualize the relationship as serious and worthy and the partnership as an extension of their own family. And it may be that they only way they can conceptualize it in this way is if they get wedding invitations and get to go to a shower, wedding ceremony, reception, etc.

I understand the last poster's response -- a marriage does need to be done for a meaningful reason ... but maybe this is a meaningful reason (or maybe i'm just realllllly realllly biased )

 

[MrVisible]

I've got to agree with DVC~OKW~96.

If you want to make a lifetime commitment to each other, and you feel that having family and friends surround you is the way to do it, then by all means, invite family and friends to the wedding/commitment ceremony/party of your choice.

If you want money from your family, ask for it.

Marrying for money is always cheap and shallow, no matter how you spin it.

I'm sorry if I sound offensive on this, but my boyfriend and I are tying the knot this fall. We've had five wonderful years together, and both of us want to promise each other that we'll be there to take care of each other for life. It means a lot to us, and we've had a rough time making sure that both our families will be there to share this moment with us. Our families aren't well off, and we're downright poor, so we're not expecting gifts. We just want the people who matter to us to be there.

Are we fighting for the right to legally marry so we can get better flatware? Or so we can care for each other better as we go through life, have kids, and get old?

If you want to get married because 'everyone else gets presents, why can't we?' then go ahead. But in my eyes, that's pretty petty.

 

[StormTigger]

Ya know, I never understood why people believed same sex marriages "de-value" traditional marriage until now.

A Marriage/Union traditional or not is about committment to each other . You want presents, throw a house/apartment warming party, a college-fund raising get together w/ family etc, the options are many.

Getting married for the gifts also doesn't prove your an adult, it just proves you'll do whatever it takes to get what you want.

 

[smartestnumber5]

A Marriage/Union traditional or not is about committment to each other . You want presents, throw a house/apartment warming party, a college-fund raising get together w/ family etc, the options are many.

I've got to agree with DVC~OKW~96.

If you want to make a lifetime commitment to each other, and you feel that having family and friends surround you is the way to do it, then by all means, invite family and friends to the wedding/commitment ceremony/party of your choice.

If you want money from your family, ask for it.


Are we fighting for the right to legally marry so we can get better flatware? Or so we can care for each other better as we go through life, have kids, and get old?

Well first, same-sex marriage. Hard to believe I've tarnished the institution of same-sex marriage when I don't want a same-sex marriage! (Though if I'm helping to devalue "traditional marriage" good, I think society has placed too much value in it to begin with.)

I'm fighting for same-sex marriage because it's a matter of what individuals have a right to do--not because I think it's a wonderful thing and can't wait to be involved. I've got many reservations about marriage and if I were with a male instead of a female (I'm bisexual) I'd be no more likely to think about marriage (except, perhaps, for the financial and legal benefits).

I think one of the biggest reasons any of us are fighting for marriage is because of the tangible (often financial benefits) of it--you know, the 1000 rights, benefits, and privileges that go along with marriage. We hear stories all the time of a partner who dies and the other partner is screwed financially because they had no legal ties. I take this as a very important argument in favor of same-sex marriage and I think others do as well. Does it cheapen marriage that this is one of the big reasons same-sex partners want to get married? If not, why should it cheapen marriage that we want to be able to put a down payment on a house together and the only way we can do that is if we arrange some sort of ceremony to celebrate an emotional commitment we already have?

Some of us, of course, also are fighting for same-sex marriage for emotional/spiritual/what have you reasons. I don't have any such reasons because I don't want to be married. But I don't want to be seen of as less than or my gf be seen as less important because I don't want a marriage. Ideally, I could simply tell them "I love her and we have a commitment and it's not a marriage, but it's just as significant as your marriages and we don't need a big ceremony to make a big deal of that commitment." Similarly, a party with the people we care about sounds great, even if there were presents. Except, that's not how its done in my family. We're big and we're Italian and we are forced to invite all of the ancient folks whose names we don't even remember. Everyone in the family who gets married does it. Why? Because they have to...because that's the polite thing, that's what's done. Because its easier to do it than to have the entire family in uproar over your being a troublemaker. They grin and bear it and think of the check they're getting. So I've got a dilemma. If the celebration is marriage/wedding like then I've got to have all these people I don't want there (or at least I have to invite them, who knows if they'd come given we're gay), but at least it will be taken seriously. And if the celebration is not very marriage/wedding like then I can just have the people I actually care about there and make it our own party, but then it won't be taken seriously...it'll be nothing more than a party and be seen as having nothing to do with the relationship.

And no, I don't think in that case I'd get presents. Yes I do want presents--I want a big vacation (i.e. a honeymoon) and a downpayment for a house. (Of course I realize we're in a privileged place to have such a large family (and a giving one) that we could accumulate part of a down payment through wedding presents.) But I don't simply want presents in any form at all--"you got a PhD" or "you bought a house" (not that I ever would actually get money for any of those things...marriage is very important to them, PhDs are not). I want them how everyone else in my family gets them--as a symbol of acceptance of and happiness for our relationship--the relationship that *we* choose for ourselves, not anyone else's idea of "marriage." That's exactly the kind of gift I'm going to have to give to various couples in the family time and time again for the rest of my life.

Why shouldn't I get the same recognition and acceptance even though the kind of relationship I choose and the kind of commitment we have is different? We don't necessarily want a *lifetime* commitment or monogamy or rings or vows. We don't want something that resembles what most people refer to as "marriage"--whether between same-sex people or different-sex people. But that shouldn't make our relationship any less important.

 

[MrVisible]

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." -- Dumbledore

You don't want a marriage. You want a wedding, with all the loot that it entails.

A wedding is an occasion for people to celebrate a marriage, where two people share a lifetime commitment to each other. The gifts are given with the understanding that the recipients intend to spend their lives together henceforth. You know that perfectly well, or what you're doing wouldn't feel so wrong that you'd feel the need to post here for affirmation.

You posted here to ask for opinions. Obviously, you're feeling pretty conflicted about this, otherwise you wouldn't need input. You wanted to know what people thought, and now you do.

A relationship that does not involve a lifetime commitment is less important than one that does, by definition. It's sad that you don't know that. And pretending that your relationship is as good as one that involves that kind of commitment in order to get money from your family is astonishingly mean-spirited. Spin it however you want, say everybody does it, protest that your family is somehow deserving of this deception, but this is what you're doing.

You want to lie about love to get money from your family.

Have a wedding, fake your marriage. Get the cake and the gifts and the party and the money, under whatever pretenses you like. No skin off my nose.

 

[smartestnumber5]

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." -- Dumbledore

A relationship that does not involve a lifetime commitment is less important than one that does, by definition. It's sad that you don't know that. And pretending that your relationship is as good as one that involves that kind of commitment in order to get money from your family is astonishingly mean-spirited.

No what I think is that people who go have weddings and promise to be together for lifetime when the divorce rate is 50% are lying to one another and to themselves. How could anyone have the audacity to think their relationship will work when half of them don't? Pure fantasy-land and then once they get divorced it's all "Oh, I knew this was coming. I just didn't want to see it. I never really loved him." I'm just being honest with myself and my gf. A lifetime would be great--but in our opinion promising a lifetime would be morally wrong. Because it would be a promise I have no reason to think I can keep.

As for my relationship being less important this is exactly my objection to marriage. The institution of marriage now seems to function in no way other than to separate out the good relationships from the not so good ones and give the good ones the state's stamp of approval. Well I don't need the state's approval (but I would like the same legal benefits everyone else is entitled to). Because my relationship isn't like yours (or anyone's in my family's) it's deemend less important. Does that mean that all marriages (say at the 2 year mark) that end up divorcing were in fact less important than all marriages (at the 2 year mark) which will end up staying together? Or all those marriage just as good as one another because they've all said the same promise to one another even though half of them will break it.

I'm kind of shocked at how uncritically it seems glbt people here take marriage as it is traditionally conceived. I'm sure the majority of straight people would say the same thing that you did to me--that your relationship, by definition of not involving a man and a woman--is less important than theirs. Well I don't buy any of that crap. How exactly does having made a promise for lifetime commitment change the value of my relationship? Is there some metaphysical status that changes? Is there some big book in the sky in which the value of all our relationships are recorded and after a wedding the value goes up a few notches? Perhaps instead of valuing relationships according to promises (which people continue to break every day and seem to take quite lightly when they make them) we might actually value them on the basis of love, care, and respect--you can't measure that through promises.

I'm posting here because people in my family think like you seem to think--that they have the monopoly on important relationships (hmm, wonder why we're having such a hard time getting same-sex marriage). I expected that there would have been other glbt folks who share similar experiences as mine--who reject much of the idea of weddings and marriage but want their partner to still be seen as their family.

Clearly those responding and I have political differences about the institution of marriage. Yes my choices do show my true self, because I refuse to take uncritical part in an institution I have objected to since being a teenager simply to gain the respect my relationship deserves in the first place.

I've been focusing on the presents and respect of my relationship in terms of their social meaning. Yes I do want presents. And I think you oversimplify when you talk about presents being given in virtue of the people spending their life together--I think people give presents cuz they have to, because its the socially accepted thing to do, and if they were really sure that the relationship was going to end in divorce in a few years that wouldn't give them an out because not sending a present would be insulting even if it were true that they were going to divorce.) But whatever, forget that for now. I want my family to accept my gf as family and to value our relationship as real and important and I want them to know that we're not failing to get married because the law says we can't or because we think it would be uncomfortable for them to come to a gay wedding. It's our choice not to partake in this institution and we're proud of it. But we refuse to be slighted and seen as less important because we won't take part in an objectionable institution--that's the point. I"m not sure how wanting any of this is meanspirited on my part, but I do see how it's meanspirited or at least narrow-minded on their part to only offer these benefits to relationships that fit their mold.

 

[MrVisible]

I've one last thing to say, and then I'm off this thread.

The next time you want to do something that is morally questionable, and you're going to do it no matter what anyone tells you, don't go looking for affirmation from strangers. Most people have pretty high moral standards.

Just go do whatever you were going to anyway.

That will save you pages and pages of adolescent rationalizations.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I've one last thing to say, and then I'm off this thread.

The next time you want to do something that is morally questionable, and you're going to do it no matter what anyone tells you, don't go looking for affirmation from strangers. Most people have pretty high moral standards.

Just go do whatever you were going to anyway.

That will save you pages and pages of adolescent rationalizations.

Yes almost all of us have high moral standards--that includes me (and I assume you do too)--you and I just disagree about what the right standards are. There's no need for me to imply that yours must be low because they aren't like mine, and vice-versa. That's just childish.

If I thought doing what I might do (what am I doing anyway?) was morally objectionable I wouldn't do it. Lying to my family (telling them my partner is a man or telling them we eloped when we didn't) would be morally objectionable. But I'm not going to do that. And I fail to see how having some sort of celebration of my relationship and commitment (which already exists) with the intent to obtain presents and have my partner be seen by my family as a *real* member of the family is wrong. There is no lying involved there. It seems the objection is that our relationship doesn't pass your muster and thus my partner doesn't deserve to be part of my family? Or we shouldn't ask for presents. Well hey, pretty much any heterosexual marriage and lots of same-sex ones don't pass my muster--does that make the participants morally wrong to invite me with the expectation that I bring a present?

I will of course do what I want. I notice you don't actually respond to any of the points I make, you just call them rationalizations. If they were just rationalizations, wouldn't there be something intelligent to say as to why they are bad reasons.

I'm not asking for affirmation from strangers, I'm asking for practical advice as in "I too wanted my partner to be part of my family but I too am against marriage and this is what we did to accomplish our goal but stay true to our principles." If no one has such advice then so be it, I'll go find it elsewhere. Your opinion was helpful anyway because its the same kind of objections I know I'll have to face from my family--that the relationship isn't real because it isn't like theirs and we reject the rituals and institutions that they take part in.

 

[brerrabbit]

I support Gay rights and feel that Gays should be entitled to be legally and spiritually joined. I also am a Christian who fully believes in marraige and the whole commitment issue. I have been married for 24 years and am still madly in love with my wife. I made a lifetime commitment when I spoke those vows. If the Gay community wants the respect they deserve and the legal right to marry then I would hope that the larger segment would treat marraige as it should be treated, as a lifetime commitment to another. Granted as you note 50% of all marraiges do end in divorce but most of them do start with the intention of lasting. I dare say that if you voice your opinion of marraige as a Gay person you are personally setting back the whole movement considerably. If you feel that you want a ceremony just to collect the spoils that your cousins are collecting for getting married then you are missing the whole point. Both the point of marraige (commitment) and the cause (legalizing Gay marraige) and as such should just stay quiet on the whole issue.

 

[patsal]

Chiming in and planning on being flamed, but WTH... Having any event just to cash in on the gifts is wrong. I don't believe most people go into marriage thinking it will not work--divorce is more expensive than the "quick easy loot" provided as wedding gifts--so I highly doubt most do it just for the gifts!

I support same sex unions, people should have the right to commit to whatever relationship they desire, without judgement, but to only "unite" for the sake of gifts would be in poor taste by anyone.

People who get married even if the divorce rate is 50% don't get married because they think their marriage will fail. They get married because they think they will be the other successful 50%.

If you really feel that you are somehow left out of the wedding money and shower gifts why not consider a commitment ceremony even in another state and then have a large party to celebrate. Maybe just let some of your closer cousins know that you feel left out since same sex union is not recognized--it wouldn't surprise me if people would then throw the two of you a party complete with gifts. As far as feeling left out, if you choose not to have a ceremony, well, the way I see it is this--every time someone at my work or in my family decides to take a relationship to the next step (living together, etc.)but not make a "Marriage like" commitment I wouldn't give a gift (I don't), but when these couples get "Married" I give a gift to celebrate their commitment. You are not into the idea of a commitment on paper and view it as something not right for you therefore you do not get the gifts of someone who would make that "commitment". When y9ou made the choice to refuse to take part in commitment then you made the choice to forgo the presents that came with it. I don't "Make-up" the gift from a wedding to my bachelor friends and relatives because they made a choice not to partake in something, a conscious choice that came with the consequence (for lack of a better term) of no presents. I can't let my catholic child have a bat mitsvah just so she can have the same party and gifts as her firends--she isn't making the commitment.

 

[lillielil]

Wow. I'm amazed and disgusted right now.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Wow! I must say that while I think it is rather self centered tho want to have a party for the cash and gifts, at least this couple is honest.

I think that not getting married or having a commitment ceremony because 50% of those relationships end in divorce is smart for this couple. If you are not sure you will stay the course, then don't do it. Many many many people wat to get married, but they don't want to be married. There is a HUGE difference. Being married, or being in a commited relationship that is legally recognised is a damn hard gig. I should know, I have been married for almost 30 years. We have had our moments, we have worked through them. When we got married, many of our friends had done it before us, the church, the showers, the gifts, the partys. Some of them are divorced. Some of them are still together. For us, it was the clerk of the court and us, no one else was there. When we got home after the weekend away, we let everyone know we had gotten married. We expected no gifts, we expected no monet. We got a couple of things for our apartment. We were thrilled. We got married because we wanted to be together for the rest of our days. So far, we have been able to do that.

So to the OP, if you want to get lots of cash and presents from your friends and family, but refuse to have a "wedding" of any type, then just ask. Send out invites to everyone and tell them they are being asked to contribute to your house purchase or what ever. Don't lie and don't comprimise your principals. If you don't ask, you will never know if anyone will pay up.

 

[Viki]

Hmmm ... my partner and I kind of pursued the opposite strategy: we had a private, two-party committment ceremony (her, me, and thousands of fireflies) that has lasted for 20 years and we never received one gift, other than our committment to stay with each other through thick, thin, border collies, babies and teenagers. Gifts would be good. This is better.

 

[ChrizJen]

First, let me say that I COMPLETELY understand your need to validate your relationship in your family's eyes. I think that we all hope to have approval and validation and respect from the ones we love. There is nothing wrong with that.

But that's about the extent of where I can say I agree with you. It sounds to me like you are placing the validation and respect from your family on the same level as the presents you'll get. And that seems greedy and materialistic. In your posts, you say that you want what your cousins get. Unfortunately, the gifts that you say you are "entitled" to are tied to the traditional ceremonial rite of marriage. You say you don't believe in the "institution of marriage", but you have no qualms about taking part in the aspects that benefit you. (i.e. gifts and money) I say, if you want to boycott the "institution", then you should boycott it altogether. Otherwise, you're not really seperating yourself from the rest of us who are "naive" enough to think that it IS possible to make a commitment to love one person for the rest of our time here.

The only social and/or societal statement you're making here is this:
"We don't really want to make a commitment to each other because statistics say that we won't be able to keep it. But can we have some money and presents anyway? Our relationship is just as valid as yours, we just know that it's not going to last."

It's like a Christian who converts to Judaism, but then gets jealous because the cousins get a bunch of Christmas presents.

Like I said before, I completely understand your need to have your relationship with your partner validated by your family. But if you want your family to respect your commitment, then you need to show them that there is a commitment there, and not just a desire to get some gifts.

-Christal

 

[ksumn1]

I think that each individual decides just how important their relationship is to them. You may not feel the need to get married, have a ceremony or declare your love to the world.However, the majority of people don't feel that a relationship without marraige is as serious, committed or as adult as one where a visible outward symbol (rings ceremony etc) is present. You say that you don't want to be married, or neccesarily make a life time commitment. But at the same time, you want your partner to be accepted and YOU want your family to accept you, and I assume your lifestyle, as well. But a false ceremony, wedding whatever is not going to get you that. The same people who do not accept you and your gf now will not really accept you then. They may come, give you cash or a gift but in their hearts will it really change they way they view you and your relationship. No. They will sit back, and if you seperate they'll think "Told you so" You can not change your families feelings just by having a wedding. There may be some who think you are more adult because you've made an adult decision to be commited. But deep down their true feelings will not change. And how do you think they will feel if they find out that you only had the ceremony to get stuff? How would you feel? I would feel like I had been lied to. And it definately would cloud my feelings in your trustworthiness.
I've been married for 7 years and it was the BIGGEST decision in my life. I got pregnent after we had dated for a few months, and was kicked out of my parents because I would not get married. I didn't want to be a divorce statistic or someone who had to explain a few years in that Mommy and Daddy made a mistake and now Daddy's living somewhere else....but you get to see him on the weekends We did get married when my DD was 10 months old, so I feel that you should not do this just to get gifts and money.
I would ask for it. Go to a family BBQ and tell the people who are really important to you that you don't feel accepted. That your gf doesn't feel accepted and you feel your relationship is not being taken seriously because you aren't married or fomally comitted. But that you really would love to have the same advantages that the married members of your family have. You want to own a home, have nice things and maybe take a trip. See what they say. Will they shoot you down? Maybe. Will you feel better getting your feelings across? Probably. But please don't fake a wedding. I tend to be one of those people who DO believe that marraige is forever, thru good and bad, richer or poorer, sickness and in health till death do us part. And I would hate to see someone just disregard the seroiusness of that commitment just to get some $$ and gifts. Just my .02

 

[Doctor Pedantic]

It's hard to improve on what Viki said, but I'd like to weigh in with my slightly different perspective.

I was raised as a good Christian boy and married a woman without ever having acted on my desire to be with men. We spent a ton of money on a large wedding, and sure we received lots of gifts, but it's not like we made a profit. And that wasn't the point. We thought we were making a lifetime commitment to each other (even if we were both kidding ourselves), and that was the point.

Flash forward 14 years....after the horrible divorce.....I am now happily living with a fantastic man. This is the relationship I have always dreamed of having, and he is a better parent to my three kids (who adore him) than my wife ever was. We plan to get married next year because we love each other and want to share our lives together. And dammit, we plan to do it in a church, before God, our friends, and family. This is the real deal. Again, presents have nothing to do with it.

Look, no one can make a decision for anyone else. I recognize there may be some unfairness there, but the same would be true of a heterosexual couple that wanted to live together without getting married. Are they getting gifts and attention? Sometimes things aren't fair. Plenty of people have their parents pay for their weddings and give them a down payment on a house. I paid for my own wedding (ditto for the next one!) and got everything I own through hard work. So what? I couldn't care less. So your cousins get to be legally married and they get presents. You have said that even if it were legal, you wouldn't want to get married anyway. Once again, so what? This isn't about the unfairness of gays and lesbians not being allowed to marry. It's about you wanting other people to give you money and presents. Lots of people, gay and straight, don't have that option at all. If I were you, I would just let it go. It sounds like you are in a solid relationship, and that is much more valuable than a new set of china, or even a down payment on a house.

 

[Mama Twinkles]

OP, I admire your thinking outside the box about marriage and the inherent hypocrisy of rewarding (through both respect and gifts) those who enter into it temporarily, but not rewarding those with equal need and even equal devotion who do not enter into it. There is nonetheless an apparent contradiction in your position: On the face of it you seem to believe all who wish to be recognized and gifted--whether ceremonially wed or not--should be materially rewarded, yet on some level you also seem to look down on the idea of celebrating (again, both materially and with recognition) those who ceremonially enter into arrangements that end up being impermanent.

I think another reason people are having a hard time with your position is that you seem to want to capitalize on others' respect for an institution you don't respect; in other words, you seem to want to be rewarded by people whose views you see as misguided. In addition, you appear to resent the lack of recognition your relationship is accorded while simultaneously resenting the recognition couples in your family (including you and your partner, if you requested it) are accorded if they choose a ceremony. You are therefore casting your relatives in a damned-if-they-do, damned-if-they-don't role. (They should value your arrangement but not that of your married relatives?) Maybe what you really resent is the double standard, but you fail to recognize your own double standard in the process.

I mean this gently: You seem angry, and probably justifibly so, because others are so blindly approving of hollow arrangements and because your relationship--not just because it is same-sex, but also because it is not sanctioned by marriage--is minimized. I am guessing that you resent the injustice you have endured, but am also guessing that you are not altogether aware that you take your anger out on the unsuspecting and well-intentioned (e.g., on this board), and underestimate people's thoughtfulness and wisdom here. Yes, you might find more satisfying debate on other boards, but in my opinion you really do have a few things to learn from the people here: about respecting others in spite of their limitations, about empathy, about honesty, about putting your anger to good use, and even about the respectability and depth of long-term commitment (which is of course not for everyone). My advice to you would be to keep struggling with all the issues you have presented here, but to inform the struggle a bit by examining your own assumptions and intentions, and to infuse it with more empathy for your family. I hope you find a way, with or without a ceremony, to ask your family for help and support, and I hope that they give it to you.