What to do in Disney when your husband hates Disney....

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Just doesn't sound equal - and I guess I expect a marriage to be equal. Also, if they get divorced, and there's no pre-nup, doesn't he gets screwed because he's been pretty much supporting her, even though she has an income? i mean, why don't they just have their money, not hers and his?

Lots of people do it that way and it works for them just fine.

 

[morgan98]

Just doesn't sound equal - and I guess I expect a marriage to be equal. Also, if they get divorced, and there's no pre-nup, doesn't he gets screwed because he's been pretty much supporting her, even though she has an income? i mean, why don't they just have their money, not hers and his?

The settlement in a divorce has little to do with how you paid your bills during the marriage.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Wow, how did I miss this thread for so long?

OP - I like the idea of offering a trip where your DH comes to Florida but does other things while you and the kids enjoy the parks. I think it's the best of both worlds, because you'd have help with the driving, but he wouldn't have to be in the crowds. - If he just wants to stay home, though, I'd go anyway (and, like I think someone else said, be really relaxed because I didn't have to worry about the cats!) Since it's not your only vacation, "compromise" doesn't have to be a place a everyone "sort of likes" - it can be different places that each love.

I would much rather go most places by myself than go with someone cranky. My own DH loves Disney almost as much as I do, and we greatly enjoy our family trips...but he usually burns out on crowds a little faster than DS and I do, and he hates "leaving after the fireworks" with a passion. (We generally only do one late night because of that.) Last trip, DS and I wanted to do Rivers of Light at AK, but DH was kind of tired and wasn't sure he really cared about it. I was perfectly comfortable with him heading ahead back to the room, but he stayed with us because he somehow felt it all had to be all family time. He was miserable in the crowd leaving, and DS and I missed the "Nighttime Awakenings" show on the Tree that we would have stayed for had it just been us. It didn't ruin our trip or anything, but I do think we'd all make a different decision if in the same situation again.

 

[PollyannaMom]

2nd reply, to the side topic -

I definitely believe adults agree to make sacrifices when they decide to be parents, but I think there's room for some individuality as well. My ideal philosophy is pretty much: 1) kids needs, 2) adults needs, 3) everyone's "wants" in balance.

My mom described it to me this way when I was kid: "Before you were born, if there was only one hot dog in the house to eat, your dad and I would have split it. After you were born, it would have gone to you, and we would have waited." (Thankfully, it was never actually true for us, just an analogy!) And I feel the same way about DS.

But knowing they would put me first in an emergency didn't stop my parents from having their own lives when things were fine. They went out together sometimes, and separately at other times. (I remember they each belonged to bowling leagues on different nights, for example.) Someone was always there for us, and I always felt we were the most important thing in their lives, but I never felt the pressure of being the only thing in their lives.

As for those "wants" - It probably does skew toward the kids in a lot of households...because most parents really do "want" to make their kids happy! It's really fun for them to watch; they get something out of it too. But looking back as an adult, I can see some of the sacrifices my my mom made for me that I couldn't then, and I can identify certain ones that I'm either very grateful she made or feel kind of guilty about now. (And I actually think they did a little better at the balance than I do. Because DS is an only, I think we did fewer adult outings when he was little than my parents did because it felt more like "leaving one family member out" than "adults are doing this, kids are doing this".)

I have to say I have a hard time understanding the posts about spouses being more important than children, though. They're both very important to me, and we pretty much do equal votes on the little things like choosing restaurants...but if DH and DS were both passed out in a burning building, and I could only drag one of them to safety, it would be my child. (And I hope DH would do the same.)

 

[lifesavacation]

He's a hotel snob who likes hunting and cars. And he works on vacation. Whack him over the head. Just kidding... maybe...



OK, this bugs me - you're married with separate finances?

Also, he's going off to kill Pumbaa; isn't he going to eat him afterwards, or is it just for the thrill?

You quoted me but I think you have me confused with the OP. My husband does not like hunting and cars. Lol. He doesn’t even change his own oil or flat tires! He definitely does not consider DL a vacation and would much rather work if he joins us. Kinda like he works remotely for the day.

 

[Hikergirl]

No one is manipulating him into going. I don't think suggesting to him "hey dad, you can go hunt boar and fish and then meet us at Cape May Cafe for crab legs" is manipulative.

You are right that isn't manipulative and I apologize. Your first posts did come off like you are looking for ways to convince him to go even though you know he hates it. I still think you should just leave it alone, let him stay home and you and the kids enjoy yourselves.

 

[TheCakePopLady]

Now people are discussing your divorce and how you’re doing the married life wrong.

Seriously?

Wow.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Now people are discussing your divorce and how you’re doing the married life wrong.

Seriously?

Wow.

Welcome to the Community Board

 

[AppleDumpling]

Just joining the discussion and here’s my two cents. First of all, OP mentioned that her husband is serving in the army (thank you!), which means he has likely spent a good amount of time away from his family and they are used to it. This is not to say their time together shouldn’t be cherished even more, but I doubt one week is going to make much difference. If he doesn’t enjoy theme parks and OP is okay with that, I see no reason why he should be obligated to be there, or made to feel bad about it.

If he opted to skip the trip entirely and stay home, IMO, that would be fine; however, as suggested, another option is for him to go along and find alternate activities. For one thing, he can share the driving and spend quality time with the kids on the road trip there and back. Then they can go their separate ways during the day (or do a few days together offsite), and still get together in the evenings for dinner.

OP, I think you and DH together should simply explain the situation to your kids. Don’t make it a big deal or approach it like it’s a problem. They may be a bit disappointed but I’m sure will get over it quickly enough.

Now for some suggestions of other things to do in the central Florida area:
fishing
sailing
air boat
kayaking or paddle boarding
jet skiing
zip lining
off-road ATV tours
go-karting
indoor skydiving

And a few specific destinations he might enjoy (within an hour and a half away):
Kennedy Space Center
Gatorland
Reptile World
Discovery Cove
Orlando Eye
Ripley’s Believe It Or Not
Florida Aquarium/SS American Victory in Tampa
Daytona Speedway tour
Don Garlit’s Museum of Drag Racing (also has antique cars) in Ocala

Also, if he’s a baseball fan and you time it during MLB spring training, he could go see team practices and attend Grapefruit League games.

 

[Wubar]

2nd reply, to the side topic -

I definitely believe adults agree to make sacrifices when they decide to be parents, but I think there's room for some individuality as well. My ideal philosophy is pretty much: 1) kids needs, 2) adults needs, 3) everyone's "wants" in balance.

My mom described it to me this way when I was kid: "Before you were born, if there was only one hot dog in the house to eat, your dad and I would have split it. After you were born, it would have gone to you, and we would have waited." (Thankfully, it was never actually true for us, just an analogy!) And I feel the same way about DS.

But knowing they would put me first in an emergency didn't stop my parents from having their own lives when things were fine. They went out together sometimes, and separately at other times. (I remember they each belonged to bowling leagues on different nights, for example.) Someone was always there for us, and I always felt we were the most important thing in their lives, but I never felt the pressure of being the only thing in their lives.

As for those "wants" - It probably does skew toward the kids in a lot of households...because most parents really do "want" to make their kids happy! It's really fun for them to watch; they get something out of it too. But looking back as an adult, I can see some of the sacrifices my my mom made for me that I couldn't then, and I can identify certain ones that I'm either very grateful she made or feel kind of guilty about now. (And I actually think they did a little better at the balance than I do. Because DS is an only, I think we did fewer adult outings when he was little than my parents did because it felt more like "leaving one family member out" than "adults are doing this, kids are doing this".)

I have to say I have a hard time understanding the posts about spouses being more important than children, though. They're both very important to me, and we pretty much do equal votes on the little things like choosing restaurants...but if DH and DS were both passed out in a burning building, and I could only drag one of them to safety, it would be my child. (And I hope DH would do the same.)

Thanks for posting this! I wanted to post the "child and spouse stuck in burning building, can only save one" scenario about 3 pages ago. But it just seemed like kicking that dead horse again. But I had the same thought cross my mind...

I'm sure the children would like dad to go along, but disappointed to the point where they wouldn't go if dad didn't go? I'm sure they would understand and get over it...

 

[cabanafrau]

What I don't understand about the idea that a child's wants about vacations and a child's desire to have a parent there for every game, every performance, etc. should be so paramount to parents that they should automatically be compelled to sacrifice to make it happen is, where does it end? Is that the same future those parents should want for their adult children parenting their children? Does parenthood demand that parents drop the participation in things their own parents sacrificed so much to support and helped fuel the passion for?

I'm not suggesting that parents decide that their own pursuits are always more important and attending Susie's games aren't important to attend. But I don't see any harm in mom and dad missing a game because some old friends have come into town and there is going to be a get together with a group of friends who haven't gotten to all see each other in several years. Of course it would be complicated if it was the same game where Susie is finally getting her tryout to play X position that she's been working for and dreaming of. If there were a special reason why that game was a huge deal to my kid or if that meet meant she was getting a spot to go to the state championship I'd be sorry I missed my friends but absolutely want to be there to see my kid get her chance. If it were a run of the mill game or meet and my kid preferred I be there like I usually am but didn't have any particular reason beyond their preference that I be there, sorry, I'm going to have to hear all about it when I get home from a very rare visit with old friends. That's the choice I'd want my daughters to make down the line as parents of their own children too.

I want my daughters to experience the joys of parenthood someday. I don't want it to mean sacrificing any and all interests and passions of their own -- and their own time to spend with friends. I don't want to think of my daughters living a life mostly cutoff from good friendships and the things they love to do because there is an unreasonable expectation to be parenting 24/7/365. If they want their children to experience NYC and the theaters of Broadway or Acadia in the summertime and the kids are pressing for another return to Disney or Harry Potter, I want the parents to decide that they have the experience to understand their kids would be missing out and would benefit from understanding they can enjoy something other than Hogwarts just as much.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... I want my daughters to experience the joys of parenthood someday. I don't want it to mean sacrificing any and all interests and passions of their own -- and their own time to spend with friends. I don't want to think of my daughters living a life mostly cut off from good friendships and the things they love to do because there is an unreasonable expectation to be parenting 24/7/365. If they want their children to experience NYC and the theaters of Broadway or Acadia in the summertime and the kids are pressing for another return to Disney or Harry Potter, I want the parents to decide that they have the experience to understand their kids would be missing out and would benefit from understanding they can enjoy something other than Hogwarts just as much.

This... a million times....
We need a Stand-up-and-applause smiley icon!

There are several posters here on the DIS who have openly posted in the past that they simply do NOT vacation (or really do anything much) without their kids.

 

[Nancyg56]

Just doesn't sound equal - and I guess I expect a marriage to be equal. Also, if they get divorced, and there's no pre-nup, doesn't he gets screwed because he's been pretty much supporting her, even though she has an income? i mean, why don't they just have their money, not hers and his?

How would you define equal? I was lectured by a young lady who felt compelled to discuss the dangers of me not paying attention to the investments my DH makes, as if he had been keeping secrets. WE no longer do business with this company, and that was my decision.

In our marraige DH pays all of the bills wit the exception of the electric bill because I got snippy about his reminding me to turn off lights. Now he bites his tongue if I leave them on and I pay that darn bill. DH also pays fro all vacation expenses, including most of my spending. He covers most holiday expenses, and since I was too cheap to have a loan on a car and did nto want to buy new, he takes that one too. I work, and he has never asked what I make. He reallly does not care, and like his income is open to me, mine is not hidden from him. I take care of gas and groceries, most "extras" around the house, and all teh linens etc that I love. I can assure you we are quite equal, and that last thing DH worries about is getting screwed in the unlikely event we divorced. HE worries that if something happened to me he woudl not be able to manage all the tasks I take care of, and I am worried about the same thing.

WE make a great team, and the last thing anyone needs to do is to wonder about the equity in our marraige. His sister felt compelled to "warn" him about me (after we were together 37 years and married 25 years!)in a book of text messages and is now blocked from his phone. Please try to remember that relationships are all diverse and what works for one is a horror story for another

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, Nancy....
You go girl!!!!!!
Tell us how you really feel!!!!

 

[bdcp]

How would you define equal? I was lectured by a young lady who felt compelled to discuss the dangers of me not paying attention to the investments my DH makes, as if he had been keeping secrets. WE no longer do business with this company, and that was my decision.

In our marraige DH pays all of the bills wit the exception of the electric bill because I got snippy about his reminding me to turn off lights. Now he bites his tongue if I leave them on and I pay that darn bill. DH also pays fro all vacation expenses, including most of my spending. He covers most holiday expenses, and since I was too cheap to have a loan on a car and did nto want to buy new, he takes that one too. I work, and he has never asked what I make. He reallly does not care, and like his income is open to me, mine is not hidden from him. I take care of gas and groceries, most "extras" around the house, and all teh linens etc that I love. I can assure you we are quite equal, and that last thing DH worries about is getting screwed in the unlikely event we divorced. HE worries that if something happened to me he woudl not be able to manage all the tasks I take care of, and I am worried about the same thing.

WE make a great team, and the last thing anyone needs to do is to wonder about the equity in our marraige. His sister felt compelled to "warn" him about me (after we were together 37 years and married 25 years!)in a book of text messages and is now blocked from his phone. Please try to remember that relationships are all diverse and what works for one is a horror story for another

I would think when taxes are done, then you know what each other make. We know each other's salaries, bonuses, raises, investments, etc. I have a neighbor who knew nothing about their income or expenses and now is in the middle of a divorce from an arrogant a** and in debt up to their eyeballs because he spent more than they made, including on his mistresses over the last 20 years. I trust my DH 100% but it's all ours, not his and mine so we know all. I pay all the bills and pretty much always have, but he also knows what we spend and what we owe because it's all ours and he deserves to know.

That said, our vacation decisions are made jointly and we've always taken them together. Kids are grown and honestly, they had no say in where or when we vacationed while they were growing up. They went where we went. They are adults (one married, one with a gf) and if they want to vacation somewhere now, they can. DH doesn't love WDW, but he went on this last trip after our b2b cruises because he loves me and wants to spend time with me. Next time we do WDW will probably be 3-4 years and that's fair. He prefers the beach (I love it too) so we'll do that a couple of times also in between. Marriage is mostly about compromise as one person cannot always get their way or it won't work.

 

[Nancyg56]

Hey, Nancy....
You go girl!!!!!!
Tell us how you really feel!!!!

LOL!!!

I would think when taxes are done, then you know what each other make. We know each other's salaries, bonuses, raises, investments, etc. I have a neighbor who knew nothing about their income or expenses and now is in the middle of a divorce from an arrogant a** and in debt up to their eyeballs because he spent more than they made, including on his mistresses over the last 20 years. I trust my DH 100% but it's all ours, not his and mine so we know all. I pay all the bills and pretty much always have, but he also knows what we spend and what we owe because it's all ours and he deserves to know.

That said, our vacation decisions are made jointly and we've always taken them together. Kids are grown and honestly, they had no say in where or when we vacationed while they were growing up. They went where we went. They are adults (one married, one with a gf) and if they want to vacation somewhere now, they can. DH doesn't love WDW, but he went on this last trip after our b2b cruises because he loves me and wants to spend time with me. Next time we do WDW will probably be 3-4 years and that's fair. He prefers the beach (I love it too) so we'll do that a couple of times also in between. Marriage is mostly about compromise as one person cannot always get their way or it won't work.

You know, we all have our own way to belong in our relationships. We file our taxes jointly, and as I said, I never hide anything in terms of my income. DH loooks at it as truly extra. I returned to work later in life, and while his idea of perfect would be if I was home, he told me this is my turn now, and he respects that. Our money IS ours, but we both prefer that I use the income I make to feed him, pick up things for the family and our home. He will not have us use any of it for bills, other than that pesky electric bill.....He is THAT old school guy.

 

[NotUrsula]

[snip]

OK, this bugs me - you're married with separate finances?

It's worked for us for 30 years. I refused to give up having accounts and bills in my own name only, because I saw what happened to my mother when my father died young. She wasn't credit-worthy on her own because she had no recent solo credit history. We're very open about our accounts, and we consult on major purchases so that the household funds don't suffer, but yep, we have separate accounts. (Technically, we do have some joint accounts, but that's for backup safety reasons only. Neither one of us has ever had reason to use the other's accounts.)

Also, he's going off to kill Pumbaa; isn't he going to eat him afterwards, or is it just for the thrill?

Much of the wild swine harvested in the US is not safe to eat; they tend to have parasites, and most of them carry Swine Brucellosis. This is part of what makes them a nuisance animal, because they can transmit it to livestock herds. They breed more prolifically than rabbits and they are vicious and destructive; they also decimate crops and have been known to kill livestock, especially poultry, lambs and calves. Really very dangerous and unpleasant animals, and normally even gators can't manage to catch them. Their only real predators are humans. (There are some specialty game butchers than handle them, but they only take them live and they test them before butchering. If they are not safe to consume, they are humanely dispatched and incinerated.)

 

[longboard55]

If it was my wife, she would tell me everyone else wants to go and quit being such a selfish grump.

 

[jpmom97]

He's a hotel snob who likes hunting and cars. And he works on vacation. Whack him over the head. Just kidding... maybe...



OK, this bugs me - you're married with separate finances?

Also, he's going off to kill Pumbaa; isn't he going to eat him afterwards, or is it just for the thrill?

I don't know why that would bug you, I'm not married to you. And I don't need to explain my finances with you either. Are our finances separate or maybe when my paycheck gets deposited I move a certain amount into savings....or maybe not. It's none of your business.

My husband is not a hotel snob if that was meant for me. He is a soldier, a veteran and a scout leader. He has slept on rocks, in the woods and God knows where else. He doesn't care where he sleeps.

Yes, if he wants he will kill Pumba, he kills Bambi and Thumper too. Again, it's not your business but if he can eat it he would, just like he eats deer and rabbit. He doesn't hunt for a thrill, he eats what he kills. He is a respectful hunter.

Just doesn't sound equal - and I guess I expect a marriage to be equal. Also, if they get divorced, and there's no pre-nup, doesn't he gets screwed because he's been pretty much supporting her, even though she has an income? i mean, why don't they just have their money, not hers and his?

Pre-nup? Who do you think I am married to? Talk about sounding equal...supporting me? Am I a gold digger now too? I was a stay at home mom for years, taking care of the children WE created together, keeping up a house that WE ALL live in, preparing meals for EVERYONE to eat and enjoy. As a married couple who decided to raise a family we all contributed EQUALLY, he went out and worked and I took care of the home and children, isn't that what a family does? So because I wasn't receiving a paycheck I should have done what? Should I be paying him back now that I work? Thank you for letting me get pregnant with your children, cleaning day in and day out, cooking 3 meals a day plus a billion snacks, here is what I owe you?

Now people are discussing your divorce and how you’re doing the married life wrong.

Seriously?

Wow.

I know this is crazy lol.

If it was my wife, she would tell me everyone else wants to go and quit being such a selfish grump.

She would then be a manipulative, selfish wife. That is what I have learned from this thread LOL

 

[PollyannaMom]

I was a stay at home mom for years, taking care of the children WE created together, keeping up a house that WE ALL live in, preparing meals for EVERYONE to eat and enjoy. As a married couple who decided to raise a family we all contributed EQUALLY, he went out and worked and I took care of the home and children, isn't that what a family does? So because I wasn't receiving a paycheck I should have done what? Should I be paying him back now that I work? Thank you for letting me get pregnant with your children, cleaning day in and day out, cooking 3 meals a day plus a billion snacks, here is what I owe you?

I love this!

I get that some families decide to split work and home duties (and that it's a viable choice) but we went the same way you did. - It just seemed more efficient and better suited to our personalities than all the juggling. But I still had people wondering why I was "wasting my degree". It drove me nuts. (And our finances are a lot like yours now. We actually have a joint checking account, but we still feel we "live" off DH's salary and "play" with mine.)