Would any of you mind telling me...

[pbthompson]

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[Sphyrna]

I had a good idea I was gay when I was around your son's age. But even then I still didn't know for sure. As for coming out, even though I'm very close with my family I was still hesitant about telling them. I ended up having it pretty easy. I told my sister. She later told my mom. My mom was upset... that I didn't tell her earlier. It's never been an issue since then. I regret I didn't tell my dad before he passed away. Sorry I don't really know of any movies I can recommend. You're probably right that he's still trying to come to terms with it himself. It's hard to talk to others, especially your parents when you don't know yourself.

 

[Rememberingthe70s]

I can't think of any movies off-hand, but the one thing I always tell parents when they ask (former teacher, and very involved in a lot of community music) is that the kids need role models. They need to know gay adults, and know that the adult is out and gay. They need to see that there are successful, happy, gay adults out there, and that they are not strange or odd. Hope that's helpful in some way!

 

[beccab]

I think you got it exactly right when you said "I am guessing he is still trying to come to terms with it himself". Maybe he just needs more time.

I (and most everyone else with children) understand how painful it is to see our children when they are in a crisis of sorts and we are not able to make everything ok. I just wanted to say good luck.

 

[hematite153]

Another option I'll suggest is that he might be bi and not really sure how to discuss that.

I was 15 when I realized that I was gay. Then, at 16 I fell in love with a guy (I'm female) and got really confused. I was in relationship with him for more than 4 years and people kept referring to me as straight. I knew that wasn't right, but, I couldn't figure out how to correct things -- or even what the right correction was.

I was 26 by the time I really came to terms with the idea that being bi doesn't have to mean that I'm attracted to both genders in the same way or that I'm attracted to all types of people (I actually have quite a type in each gender and they aren't the same). There's also a fair bit of societal pressure for bi people to ignore the same-sex part of their attractions and a societal stereotype that bi people aren't any good at monogamy. (I am hopelessly monogamous, so, I never felt like I belonged.)

So, at 26, I finally understood myself to be bi and was ready to accept it and claim it. Ironically, I came out to my family at "gay" at that point because it was still easier than telling them that I was bi and arguing against the possible pressure to just "choose appropriately". I figured the bi part would come out on its own when needed. But, I married a woman a few years later. So, unless something catastrophic happens in my life they may never figure it out.

So, it took me 11-12 years from the point at which I was first certain to get to the point where I was certain enough to label myself with my family. It wasn't so much because I doubted them (at least not all of them), but, because I just didn't really know what to say.

As for movies:

Two of my favourites are "Get Real" and "Beautiful Thing"
- They are both British and pretty serious explorations of the difficulties that teenagers face. You might want want to watch them yourself first so that you will be prepared for discussion.
- These aren't easy movies, but, they have a lot of emotional energy and do a beautiful job of illustrating how the world can be difficult and yet also more accepting than you expected.

Milk
- Is the story of Harvey Milk and his fight for gay rights as he became the California's first openly gay elected official.

Latter Days
- Is a fun intersection of the stereotypical "gay lifestyle" that so many people want to believe is reality and the stereotypical Mormon church.
- It's rough, but, ends happily.
- If you watch this, watch the special features on the DVD as well. The main writer is gay and grew up in the Mormon church. He says some good things about why he wrote the movie.

If he likes Science Fiction, I'd recommend the Torchwood series.
- It's much more subtle, but, it also does a good job of illustrating that the gender of your partner doesn't have to change the type of relationship that is possible.
- To get the full storyline that I'm thinking of you'd need to watch Doctor Who Season 2, Torchwood Season 1, Doctor Who Season 4, Torchwood Season 2, Doctor Who Season 5 (a bunch of specials as David Tennent leaves the role), (listen to) 4 BBC radio Torchwood Special Episodes, Torchwood Season 3.
- But, Torchwood by itself tells the story reasonably well.
- I will warn you, Doctor Who is for all ages and is considered Children's television. Torchwood is television written for adults and is much more serious in nature and doesn't gloss over or ignore sexuality.

 

[MAF]

15 is kind of young for someone to come out. A lot of young gay men wait until college before doing so. It's hard to be out and gay in high school, so I wouldn't pressure him if he isn't ready. Good luck!

 

[mikelan6]

Just an idea, but next year in June, come on out to Walt Disney World for Gay Day and come to our DIS meet.

 

[Scoobypop]

"Beautiful Thing" was the movie I was going to suggest as well. Probably the best gay movie for coming out teens EVER. It's a little tough to grasp the thick British dialects for about the first 5 minutes, but once it's going, it's really good, and very "real" as well.

 

[janiebubble]

Beautiful Thing is amazing ... I think that's an excellent suggestion!

I know at 15 I knew that probably I was gay, but there was no way I was prepared to admit it to anyone. It can take time ... maybe this time you have to just let him be?

 

[hematite153]

"Beautiful Thing" was the movie I was going to suggest as well. Probably the best gay movie for coming out teens EVER. It's a little tough to grasp the thick British dialects for about the first 5 minutes, but once it's going, it's really good, and very "real" as well.

Yes, the accents are strong. I tend to watch it with captioning turned on until I'm comfortable with them.

 

[KPeveler]

I started coming out to friends at age 15. My parents found out when I was 18, and I had a screaming match with my mother. Note to you and others: never come out in the middle of a fight! The fight was not even about my sexuality.

If/when your son does come out, do not be afraid to talk to him and ask questions - as of now, I am 25 and married to a woman (I am female too), and my mother and I have not had a conversation about my sexuality since I was 19. My father and I have never talked about it at all. Really made things awkward for my wedding!

Oct 11th is National Coming Out Day - why don't you check with PFLAG or other orgs in your area to see if there is an event?

 

[KPeveler]

btw, where are you from? I might have some suggestions based on your location...

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I'm straight, so I may be wrong, but I think knowing you are gay and being ready to say something about it are 2 entirely different things.

I have friends who KNEW they were gay as young as 9. Even if they didn't have the word to put to it, they knew. Most of them dated the opposite gender in high school, then came out to friends and family later.

I also think it depends on the family the child is raised in, and the area where they live. In a homophobic family or in a teeny little homophobic town I would guess kids would be less likely to come out.

My DS14 goes to an Arts high school, and Dallas is a HUGE city. There are A LOT of "out" kids at school and nobody thinks anything of it. DS has been raised around a lot of gay and lesbian adults, but it is funny to see how fascinated he is by gay youth. I guess he thinks all of our friends just popped into being already fully grown?

Anyway, I think it is important to let your DS know that he can be himself with you (whoever that turns out to be) and leave it at that. I would also make an effort to show him that you are fine with the GLBT community as a whole, not just that you will still love him if he is gay.

 

[janiebubble]

I'm straight, so I may be wrong, but I think knowing you are gay and being ready to say something about it are 2 entirely different things.

That's exacty what I was trying to say but you said it so much better!!

 

[rstout]

Lots of things are confusing when you are 15. Your sexual identity is just one of many. Kids this age are "testing the waters" in a number of different ways to see what kind of personality fits them. Some they will keep and some they will abandon. This testing is part of growing up. It's hard sometimes. Fifteen is a little young for a lot kids to "come out" even if they "know" they are gay. It's can be hard to understand your sexual identity, gay, straight, bi, etc. The important thing is that he knows, from you, that he is in a supportive environment. If he knows (feels) this, then this will help him process these feelings he is having and come out, or not, when he is ready. Forcing the issue early, or not being ready to discuss it when he is, is not the best. Letting him know you love him and accept him will set the stage for him to tell you when he is ready. Best wishes to both of you!

 

[pbthompson]

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[DVC~OKW~96]

Thank you all.

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions. We are from NH. I will not push him. I will be here either way.

I will do as you suggested and volunteer for something in support of the gay community as a whole. I have done this for breast cancer, MS and a few others things so he wouldn't see this as unusual for me. I actually decided to do that this morning as I watched the news in horror. I am sure you have all seen the story of the young man in NJ that killed himself after his roomate put a video of him kissing another man on the internet.

Yes, we have seen it. It's more than horrifying, it's become an near epidemic. He is not the only one to have committed suicide in September there are several other young adults, all boys.

Volunteering to help educate the schools, or in some other capacity that benefits the LGBT community will send a strong message of support to your son, and your local corner of the world.

Good luck to you and the boy. Don't be a stranger ok? Keep us posted on how he's doing and how you and his Dad are doing too!