Lilacs4Me
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2015
I was popular, and quite frankly a mean girl a lot of times, in middle school. I was good at sports, got good grades and was involved in everything from student council to volunteering with the younger classrooms. My mom was the PTA president and she babysat the teacher's and principal's kids/grandkids. We were very well-known and my family was well-liked in the school/church. And I hated myself and what I did to people, but didn't know how to be different.
DH probably would have been considered popular but he moved schools every year or so and never really was able to put roots down anywhere long enough to solidify any real relationships.
I moved after 8th grade and went to a public high school 80% larger than my tiny catholic school, and was absolutely nobody. I mean, I made a few friends, but by that point, had learned my lesson and stopped trying to step on other girls to keep my status. I was tired of the game and was quite happy to stay in the background and observe. I met my DH in high school, and some other really good friends. My only regret for HS was that I wasn't able to join extracurricular activities which would have made it more fun. I had to quit playing basketball and softball after 8th grade because of family circumstances, which was probably also part of why I didn't feel part of the in-crowd at the high school.
For my kids, we have always taught them that it doesn't matter how many friends you have or what group you are in, what matters is how you treat people. My DS18 was a football "star" (when he wasn't hurt, at least) in HS and stayed true to being kind and inclusive to EVERYONE, and believe me, he had many opportunities to ditch his less-than-popular friends for the popular group but in the end he never went along with the popular crowd, because to him, they were all fake. Instead he stuck with a small group of really nice kids that he is still friends with, and watched out for and made sure to include many kids who struggled socially. DD14 is the same way - she refuses to conform to the "basic" kids (her words lol) and instead chooses to be friends with kids who are not going to stab each other in the back. She went through all of middle school witnessing her "friends" be nice to each other in person and talk about each other behind their backs and she didn't want to be part of that anymore, so she dropped them (she was a cheerleader) and started pursuing other interests where she is meeting people she is more comfortable with.
Sadly the majority of time, popularity isn't so much having a lot of good friends, it's how fake you are willing to be to keep them. I like how someone upthread mentioned being popular within their own group, because that is what is the most important thing. My goal for my kids was to have them be the "nice kid" - the one who everyone liked, wasn't "popular" in the bad sense, but was kind to everyone. DS18 was that kid. DD14 is more reserved but has a circle of friends that encompass many different groups, and DS13 is just one of those kids who is sunny and sweet and kind to everyone but has no desire to posture and strut to be "popular". Funnily enough, he has a "girlfriend" already in 7th grade - the girls love him because he is cute and NICE, which is the most important thing!
Funny thing is for DS18 - he came back home from college for a weekend in the fall and went to the HS football game - he said he was amazed at how many people he has just graduated with were there and were genuinely happy to see him. He said, if those same people were like this in HS, he would have made more of an effort to be friends with them. It's amazing how getting away from it all can help kids grow up and change their perspective so quickly.
DH probably would have been considered popular but he moved schools every year or so and never really was able to put roots down anywhere long enough to solidify any real relationships.
I moved after 8th grade and went to a public high school 80% larger than my tiny catholic school, and was absolutely nobody. I mean, I made a few friends, but by that point, had learned my lesson and stopped trying to step on other girls to keep my status. I was tired of the game and was quite happy to stay in the background and observe. I met my DH in high school, and some other really good friends. My only regret for HS was that I wasn't able to join extracurricular activities which would have made it more fun. I had to quit playing basketball and softball after 8th grade because of family circumstances, which was probably also part of why I didn't feel part of the in-crowd at the high school.
For my kids, we have always taught them that it doesn't matter how many friends you have or what group you are in, what matters is how you treat people. My DS18 was a football "star" (when he wasn't hurt, at least) in HS and stayed true to being kind and inclusive to EVERYONE, and believe me, he had many opportunities to ditch his less-than-popular friends for the popular group but in the end he never went along with the popular crowd, because to him, they were all fake. Instead he stuck with a small group of really nice kids that he is still friends with, and watched out for and made sure to include many kids who struggled socially. DD14 is the same way - she refuses to conform to the "basic" kids (her words lol) and instead chooses to be friends with kids who are not going to stab each other in the back. She went through all of middle school witnessing her "friends" be nice to each other in person and talk about each other behind their backs and she didn't want to be part of that anymore, so she dropped them (she was a cheerleader) and started pursuing other interests where she is meeting people she is more comfortable with.
Sadly the majority of time, popularity isn't so much having a lot of good friends, it's how fake you are willing to be to keep them. I like how someone upthread mentioned being popular within their own group, because that is what is the most important thing. My goal for my kids was to have them be the "nice kid" - the one who everyone liked, wasn't "popular" in the bad sense, but was kind to everyone. DS18 was that kid. DD14 is more reserved but has a circle of friends that encompass many different groups, and DS13 is just one of those kids who is sunny and sweet and kind to everyone but has no desire to posture and strut to be "popular". Funnily enough, he has a "girlfriend" already in 7th grade - the girls love him because he is cute and NICE, which is the most important thing!
Funny thing is for DS18 - he came back home from college for a weekend in the fall and went to the HS football game - he said he was amazed at how many people he has just graduated with were there and were genuinely happy to see him. He said, if those same people were like this in HS, he would have made more of an effort to be friends with them. It's amazing how getting away from it all can help kids grow up and change their perspective so quickly.
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