Taking care of your spouse

[sms]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

 

[MIGrandma]

Maybe one of the many reasons we've enjoyed 36 wonderful years of marriage is because I'm happy to pour him a cup of coffee in the mornings.

Personally I can't even imagine something as simple as pouring a cup of coffee for him, when I'm pouring one for myself, would "drive me crazy."

I enjoy doing "little things" like that for him. We do "little things" for each other, and we don't keep score. If I think something would make him happy, I'll do it, and vice versa.

 

[luvmy3]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

Well if I'm standing there poring my own coffee after I made a pot, I'd ask him if he wants a cup. I don't consider that taking care of him, or waiting on him, I think of that as common courtesy.

 

[punkin]

My opinion is that you could pour him a cup of coffee. I also think that he could pour himself a cup of coffee. Is this really such a big deal?

Last night DH was exhausted when he came home from work. He had dinner, which I made and served and went straight up to bed while I cleared the table and started the dishwasher and tidied the kitchen.

Last week, when I was feeling a little down (not really sick, just not 100%), he made me tea and brought it to me in bed.

A marriage involves give and take. DH knows I like him to make me tea and serve it to me. It's my thing, so he does it and it makes me feel good so I don't mind doing other things for him either.

My mother used to say that big things don't end marriages. It's almost invariably the "he leaves the top off the toothpaste" every day nonsense, getting on your nerves. Since I see that your son is 8 yo (in your signature) you've been together a long time. Maybe there's a reason you never married.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think that there must be something else besides pouring a cup of coffee somewhere in this. I understand about the Southern culture and you don't have to resort to that but sweet couples things aren't bad.

My husband pours me a cup every morning and I start the car at 0445 in the freezing cold while he is getting ready.

If you are feeling unappreciated or like a maid that is different than simply doing something for someone. I do alot for my husband but he is appreciative and knows I do alot for him.

I'm one of the few people that don't think a relationship is always 50/50. I just don't believe that you are always on equal footing and it's somewhere around 60/40 alot of the times.

There's nothing wrong with getting your husband a cup of coffee but if he is just ordering a cup delivered to him than that is a different situation all together.

 

[scrapquitler]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

I do pretty much everything. He has the 80 hour a week job. My job is about 15 hours per month. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to take care of as much of the stuff as I can, since he's working 16 hours a day to support our family. I get up and make the coffee and I pour a cup for him. He works at home, but is on the phone with work from 7am until at least 7PM every day(and often later, depending on where in the world his current client is located), so it's hard for him to leave the office and get his own cup of coffee. So I do it for him, gladly. He'll text me or send me an IM if he needs a cup of of coffee while he's on the phone and can't get to the kitchen to get it himself. When he can get out of the office, he does. I don't consider it waiting on him, I consider it helping him and spoiling him a little bit. And when he's finally off the phone, he does things for me to make me feel loved and appreciated. It's give and take, and we do it for one another when we can. After more than 20 years, I think we must be doing something right

 

[Jennasis]

A cup of coffee? Are you for real??

If these are the things that annoy you then you should reconsider marriage...unless there is more to the story.

Neither DH nor I wait on each other hand and foot, but we do things for each other each and ever day. Happily.

 

[luvsJack]

Being a truckdriver, dh leaves all hours of the night and is gone for most of the week. I don't do as much for him now as I did when he was home every night. In the beginning of our marriage, I fixed his plate for him, poured his coffee, got up at 3 am and made his coffee and breakfast and packed his lunch.

I know what you mean about that southern culture of the wife "taking care of" the husband and I wasn't really happy about it either. I finally decided if it wasn't something I was willing to do my whole life, I really shouldn't keep doing it and "suffering in silence". So, I quit a lot of it.

That's not to say I don't still pour him a cup of coffee sometimes or even fix his plate for him when I know he is busy and tired; but I do it because I WANT to not because its expected and there is definitely a difference.

 

[design_mom]

I agree with the others on the thread. If I'm already up, or pouring a cup of coffee for myself, I wouldn't consider that "waiting on him," I would consider it being polite and courteous. If we were both sitting on the couch and he said "Gee, I think I'd like a cup of coffee" he would not expect me to hop up and say "let me get that for you, dear!" He'd get it himself.

In looking at our friends' marriages, even DH has commented that it seems like so many people are concerned about what they give vs. get that they forget just to try to be nice!

 

[sms]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

I do serve my husband. I prepare and serve his plate/seconds/coffee, run his personal errands, do 95% of chores and childcare. I'm a SAHM so maybe that makes a difference. This is my chosen vocation at the moment and I love it. DH works a very long hard week and provides very well for our family. He's always extremely appreciative of everything I do. He makes it very clear that he values our love and our marriage and all my contributions to the family. If I ask him for something (to hang his laundry or get me a cup of coffee perhaps) he's always more than willing to do it but I don't ask for that kind of thing very much. Yes this is a very "traditional" setup but this is what works for us. If I go back to work when the children are older things will change and we will have more of a 50/50 or as Tina said a fluctuating 60/40 but I feel sure I'll still do things like serving coffee and meals to DH because that's a way that I show love and appreciation.

We've been happily married for almost 20 years so we must be doing something right for us.

 

[mhsjax]

Maybe one of the many reasons we've enjoyed 36 wonderful years of marriage is because I'm happy to pour him a cup of coffee in the mornings.

Personally I can't even imagine something as simple as pouring a cup of coffee for him, when I'm pouring one for myself, would "drive me crazy."

I enjoy doing "little things" like that for him. We do "little things" for each other, and we don't keep score. If I think something would make him happy, I'll do it, and vice versa.

Count me in the same group as you. Not only will I be making his coffee, after he returns from taking DS to school, I will also be making him eggs. SHOCKING. But hey the guy was up working until 2:00 am and is back at it today, it is the least I can do.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

I wonder if he sees you getting things to him as a show of love and not just a servant kind of deal. One of the languages of love is service to other. My husband is big into that to show his love while I prefer to give words and time. Another thing could be he just wants attention plain and simple.

Obviously this is a problem with you both and sounds like need some talking about WHY you both feel this way.

 

[agnes!]

My DH will ask me in the morning if I've had coffee, usually not so I say no, he pours some for me and I always think it is the best cup of coffee I have in my day, better than Starbucks, better than Kona Cafe, just *better*. The BEST.

And he looks pretty damn fine when he's pouring my coffee, let me tell ya!

QUOTE OF THE DAY
From designmom's DH...

It seems like so many people are concerned about what they give vs. get that they forget just to try to be nice.

agnes!

 

[luvmy3]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

I misunderstood your OP, I assumed that you were already doing something and he was asking you to do the same for him. If he is constantly asking you to serve him, even after you have told him it bothers you, I'd have an issue with it so I don't think you are being petty.

I do serve my husband. I prepare and serve his plate/seconds/coffee, run his personal errands, do 95% of chores and childcare. I'm a SAHM so maybe that makes a difference. This is my chosen vocation at the moment and I love it. DH works a very long hard week and provides very well for our family. He's always extremely appreciative of everything I do. He makes it very clear that he values our love and our marriage and all my contributions to the family. If I ask him for something (to hang his laundry or get me a cup of coffee perhaps) he's always more than willing to do it but I don't ask for that kind of thing very much. Yes this is a very "traditional" setup but this is what works for us. If I go back to work when the children are older things will change and we will have more of a 50/50 or as Tina said a fluctuating 60/40 but I feel sure I'll still do things like serving coffee and meals to DH because that's a way that I show love and appreciation.

We've been happily married for almost 20 years so we must be doing something right for us.

Being a SAHM makes no difference. I am here to take care of my family but that doesn't mean I'm here to serve them. Heck even my kids know that if they are capable of doing something then don't ask mom to do it for you

 

[caitlinsmom]

I cook, do all the laundry and cart the kids to their various activities.
He does the dishes and takes out the trash.

We share the grocery shopping and other chores. He works full time and I'm a stay at home mom.

He gets me coffee on the weekends, during the week I get my own because he's out the door long before anyone else gets up.

I make sure the kids get homework done and help with most projects but if the project involves building anything then he does it.

 

[eeyoremum]

If getting you DBF a coffee annoys you what happens if life throws you a curve ball and he is disabled? What then? Taking care of your spouse takes on a whole new meaning then, especially with children that also need care.

A coffee on the grad scheme of things getting a coffee for somebody else is nothing.

Of course if you got a huge Christmas bonus you could pay someone to get his coffee....sorry mean to the poster of the other thread but couldn't resist.

 

[tlbwriter]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things.

Yeah, that would bug me. Next time I'd just say "Sorry, I'm busy right now."

 

[scrapquitler]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

Sounds like maybe his MOTHER is to blame for this. Did she always do everything for him??? If it's a constant thing, maybe a little retraining is necessary. But you should also evaluate yourself and think about why you are resentful about it.

 

[DisneyBabies]

I do the cleaning. I do the cooking. I do run all errands that need to be run (including his). I do the grocery shopping. I do the laundry. I do the bill paying. I do get the kids to and from school everyday. I do all the Christmas shopping (including my own a couple of times). I do about 85% of the childcare. I do make sure the house is in working order.

I am a cook, baker, butler, housekeeper, maid, babysitter, accountant, gopher, personal shopper, chauffer, nurse, teacher, laundress, cheerleader, arts and crafts director, entertainment manager, warden and handyman.

And my DH works 10-14 hour days so that I can stay at home and do all those things. He is the reason I am blessed to be able to stay home with my children (before they started school). And now I get to spend time in their classrooms; helping their teachers and seeing what they are learning at the same time.

Everything I do, regardless of the times I get wiped out and wish someone else would do it all, is worth it to be able to have the gift he gives me with our children. A cup of coffee doesn't matter all that much in the end.

Just my 2 cents.