Taking care of your spouse

[BadgerGirl84]

Sounds like there is more to the story. Everyone was jumping all over the OP with the cup of coffee story and she has said that she would gladly get him a cup if she was getting one for herself. The issue is that her DBF is expecting her to be his maid and wait on him hand and foot. It also sounds like he is constantly ASKING for things. Yes, that would annoy me, too.

Do you work as a SAHM? Not that being a SAHM makes you a maid by any means, but I do think more of the cooking and serving is expected when one's primary job is taking care of the children and the home and the other earns a paycheck.

In what ways does DBF contribute?

I think it's a dangerous path you are headed on if you are keeping track of who did what for the other in your head. Like others have said, you both should just be nice to each other and want to do things for the other one.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

>>> So let me get this straight, you mean to tell me that he's sitting on his rear in the kitchen while your in another room doing something, he calls you over and asks you to stop what your doing so that you can pour HIM a cup of flippin' coffee????? Wow, i'd have a HUUUUGE problem with this. As you said, he's not a child but he's sure acting like one. If you dont deal with this now, you'll only have more problems as years go by. Dont get me wrong, im not an unreasonable person. If he asks for coffee while im pouring myself one (or even if im at the counter closest to the coffee maker) sure i'll get him a cup. I have no problem doing things for him cause i expect him to return the favour. But im sure as heck not gonna stop what im doing to walk across the house to the kitchen and fetch him a cup because he's too lazy to get it himself. Marriage is about give and take, i scratch his back and he'll scratch mine when i need it. But this situation is different, it seems as thou he's taking advantage. if your fine waiting on him like this, then good for you. But i dont believe this is the secret ingredient to a happy marriage...and if you fail, then your marriage is doomed. If he respects you and realises how much it bothers you, then he should put every effort to fix the situation by learning to do things for himself. Period.

A cup of coffee? Are you for real??

If these are the things that annoy you then you should reconsider marriage...unless there is more to the story.

Neither DH nor I wait on each other hand and foot, but we do things for each other each and ever day. Happily. >>>this is the point im trying to make. Doing things for eachother is what its all about. But waiting on him hand and foot is a totally different story. This is the type of situation the OP is in, from what i gather.

 

[badcramps]

I don't think it's petty at all. Nor does it sound like one of those niceties couples do for one another. The niceties are things you do because you want to, in order to be nice. If somebody asks/orders/expects (especially given that you are "the woman" or especially if the expectations don't go both ways) then it's not a way of being nice anymore; it's then like he think it's your job.

Being routinely called from the other room by a non-busy, non-ill, non-disabled grown adult person with working arms and legs to get them coffee? There's no word for that except waitress in my world, and neither I nor my wife ever signed up for that job!

Perhaps try a little experiment--if this is really about being "nice" and not about his believing you are his servant then start sitting on the couch doing nothing, calling him in from another room, and expecting that he fix you hot chocolate in the evenings every night. I bet that will get old fast.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Sounds like there is more to the story. Everyone was jumping all over the OP with the cup of coffee story and she has said that she would gladly get him a cup if she was getting one for herself. The issue is that her DBF is expecting her to be his maid and wait on him hand and foot. It also sounds like he is constantly ASKING for things. Yes, that would annoy me, too.>>I was thinking the same thing. Everyone is all over the OP cause of a cup of coffee, but clearly there was more to the story than that! i'd be severely annoyed with his behaviour as well.

Do you work as a SAHM? Not that being a SAHM makes you a maid by any means, but I do think more of the cooking and serving is expected when one's primary job is taking care of the children and the home and the other earns a paycheck.

In what ways does DBF contribute?

I think it's a dangerous path you are headed on if you are keeping track of who did what for the other in your head.>>>I agree. And thats why the OP needs to talk to him and deal with the situation since it clearly is a strain on their relationship. Like others have said, you both should just be nice to each other and want to do things for the other one.

 

[minkydog]

If getting you DBF a coffee annoys you what happens if life throws you a curve ball and he is disabled? What then? Taking care of your spouse takes on a whole new meaning then, especially with children that also need care.

A coffee on the grad scheme of things getting a coffee for somebody else is nothing.
.

I agree. We actually did get served a curve ball about 8 years ago when DH got sick with lung disease. He has been fully disabled for 6 years. But most of the time I really don't mind taking care of things. I make him coffee, he makes me tea. He starts the laundry, I fold the clothes and put them away. I take care of the medical stuff and he manages the money. DH is unable to do the cleaning & housekeeping or earn a paycheck, but he tries to keep a positive disposition, which goes a long way toward making a happy home. He is unfailingly kind to me. He opens doors for me still, after 30 years of marriage.

It's not that its all roses and moonlight. Believe me, I understand annoying. There are times when I just have to get out of the house or I'll scream. I get tired of my life, sometimes. But waiting on my husband is such a little thing, most of the time. Cup of coffee? No problem.

 

[punkin]

Its not just the coffee. I don't mind pouring him a cup of coffee if I'm pouring mine. I just don't like it when he is just sitting there doing nothing when I'm in another room doing something and he wants me to stop doing what 'm doing to fix him a cup or fix him something to drink, etc. Fixing something to drink is only part of it. He is a grown man, not a child. He can do things for himself. He knows how I feel about it and he continues ask me to do things. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if he would just let me do things for him sometimes without tellin or asking for it all the time. Maybe this sounds petty to you but it really gets to me for some reason.

You are right. If this goes on all the time and all the "give" is on your end and all the "take" is on his...you have a problem. I will say again, perhaps you ought to reconsider if you still "probably will eventually get married."

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I'm wondering if it's something silly that he hasn't said, like he just likes the way you fix it for him. The ratio of cream/milk/half and half and sugar (if he likes it that way...like I said, it's silly). It would certainly be nice if he told you that's the reason, though. And does he at least thank you for it?

That said, I take care of the household stuff daily while DH works and takes care of me financially at the moment. I'm scheduled to have major surgery in January and right now, I can't work. I have days when I can't sit or stand up from the pain. But most days, I take care of DH by cleaning the house...doing some improvements here and there...cooking dinner for him, etc.

And some days I even serve him. We were at my mother's house on Sunday; she cooked dinner, and while he sat in the den watching the football game, I fixed him a plate (I even cut his meat for him! ) and brought it to him on a tray so he didn't have to leave the room. I didn't think twice about it...heck, once I come home from the hospital, he'll be doing the same thing for me!

 

[mickeyboat]

I understand where you are coming from, OP.

When we were first married, I was in school and DH was working to support us. I made his coffee, made his lunch and did a lot of waiting on him. He was raised that way and he loved it.

Before we had kids, pet, a house and I had a full time job, I didn't mind waiting on him, but once I had so many other people and things to take care of, the things that he could easily do himself are things he needs to be doing himself.

He tries every once in a while to get me to wait on him, and sometimes I do just to be nice. But he understands that I can't and won't drop what I am doing to get him a cup of coffee.

I think I will get up early and make his coffee tomorrow!

 

[grafxgirl]

Just wondering to what extent do you "do" for your husband/wife. Me and my boyfriend have a son together and probably will eventually get married. I was just wondering how you take care of them. (not sexually). One thing that really gripes me is he always wants me to pour him a cup of coffee. I know this doesn't sound like much but it drives me crazy! I made the pot of coffee, can't you get up and make your own cup??!! I don't mind doing things for him but I don't want to be a maid either!!! I'm not lazy or spoiled, I just don't want to do these things that are easy for him to do. I come from a southern, old fashion upbringing and so does he, but I don't want to live that lifestyle. I don;t mind cooking and washing clothes...those kinds of things, its just basically "waiting" on him! Your opinion?

My husband and I do the coffee thing too. Our problem is neither one of wants to make the pot of coffee, but we both want to drink it! So, we have a fun little phrase that we just started saying as a joke to each other one day when we wanted the other to make coffee, and it has stuck around ever since. Whoever says the phrase to the other person first doesn't have to make the coffee. It's "our thing". We have other things we do that keep the fun in our marriage that others think is nuts, but hey it works!

Thankfully, my husband does many things for himself and doesn't expect me to stop what I am doing to do something else for him. We are considerate of each other and will do things for one another without being asked. I've also learned there are some small habits that he has that just are not going away, that I get annoyed at. However, I've learned to let those things go because they really aren't an issue. I also know I have some habits that annoy him too, and he lets them slide. We've known each other since we were in high school, dated after college, and have been married happily for nearly 13 years.

 

[JoanGirardi]

If it bugs you, let him know it bugs you. There will be many many many (did I mention many?) repeats of this conversation, and in the end he still will probably ask you to do these things for him. You can either live with this or not, but you don't have to do what he wants you to do just because he wants it. You have the option to try to express yourself. In my marriage, my life is much easier and happier when I can focus on trying to make my husband happy, so that's what I try to do as often as possible. Don't achieve that goal every day, but that's the thing about marriage--you're in it for the long haul, so you try again tomorrow. Communicate as much as possible--that's my best advice.

 

[goofyintoronto]

If getting you DBF a coffee annoys you what happens if life throws you a curve ball and he is disabled? What then? Taking care of your spouse takes on a whole new meaning then, especially with children that also need care.

A coffee on the grad scheme of things getting a coffee for somebody else is nothing.

Of course if you got a huge Christmas bonus you could pay someone to get his coffee....sorry mean to the poster of the other thread but couldn't resist. >>> are you kidding me? its different if this man were disabled, but he isnt! And she did say there's more to the story than just coffee. she's saying he's lazy and wont do anything for himself. I can see why she's annoyed by it!!!

I cook, do all the laundry and cart the kids to their various activities.
He does the dishes and takes out the trash.

We share the grocery shopping and other chores. He works full time and I'm a stay at home mom.

He gets me coffee on the weekends, during the week I get my own because he's out the door long before anyone else gets up.

I make sure the kids get homework done and help with most projects but if the project involves building anything then he does it.>>> Good for you, you dont have a problem doing any of that but that doesnt mean the OP doesnt. Clearly its an issue and frankly i dont blame her. I'd be ticked if he were demanding things from me while im busy with chores, while in the meantime he's doing absolutely nothing.

I do the cleaning. I do the cooking. I do run all errands that need to be run (including his). I do the grocery shopping. I do the laundry. I do the bill paying. I do get the kids to and from school everyday. I do all the Christmas shopping (including my own a couple of times). I do about 85% of the childcare. I do make sure the house is in working order.

I am a cook, baker, butler, housekeeper, maid, babysitter, accountant, gopher, personal shopper, chauffer, nurse, teacher, laundress, cheerleader, arts and crafts director, entertainment manager, warden and handyman.

And my DH works 10-14 hour days so that I can stay at home and do all those things. He is the reason I am blessed to be able to stay home with my children (before they started school). And now I get to spend time in their classrooms; helping their teachers and seeing what they are learning at the same time.

Everything I do, regardless of the times I get wiped out and wish someone else would do it all, is worth it to be able to have the gift he gives me with our children. A cup of coffee doesn't matter all that much in the end.

Just my 2 cents. >>> you cannot compare your situation to hers. As I said above, just because your ok with doing everything doesnt mean her concerns arent valid.

 

[grafxgirl]

If it bugs you, let him know it bugs you. There will be many many many (did I mention many?) repeats of this conversation, and in the end he still will probably ask you to do these things for him. You can either live with this or not, but you don't have to do what he wants you to do just because he wants it. You have the option to try to express yourself. In my marriage, my life is much easier and happier when I can focus on trying to make my husband happy, so that's what I try to do as often as possible. Don't achieve that goal every day, but that's the thing about marriage--you're in it for the long haul, so you try again tomorrow. Communicate as much as possible--that's my best advice.

I like the communicate advice. I think that's why things work for my husband and me. Even when we have an argument we say what we need to and move on a few minutes later. We don't drag it out, or torture each other for days on end to prove one of us was right. We just say what we need to and move on. I think it is because we both come from parents who are divorced, so we approach things a little differently in our marriage than what we saw from them.

 

[Jennasis]

So OP, why on EARTH are you complaining about this cup of coffee stuff to strangers on the internet instead of discussing it like an adult with the man you wish to marry?

TELL HIM how you feel. I bet he's oblivious. It would not be fair to harbor a grudge over this without ever giving him a chance to understand his part and make a change.

Or you could try and simply say "NO." or "I'M BUSY" when he asks you to fetch him his cup of coffee.

 

[kamik86]

Honestly my husband and I do things like this. Sometimes you just are tired or get comfy and want someone to wait on you. My DH and I will always ask the other to get us a drink as they come back through the kitchen (kitchen is the center hub of our apartment you can't go from any room to any other room without passing the kitchen.)

We also have little things that we know the other likes/needs. For instance if tired my husband hates to drive. He also likes to stop at McDs or 7-11 for a quick snack on the way home sometimes and will want me to drive. Since we usually split driving since neither of us likes to he will do me favors for doing this for him. Sometimes mine are things like to get me a drink so I don't have to pause the grad school lecture I'm watching online to go get a drink and come back.

Things like the Coffee I would just pour him one when I got one and have no problem with it.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I am a SAHM, so most of the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids is my domain, and DH has his chores too. But there are things we do for each other that I consider going above and beyond "chores."

Not only will DH pour me a cup of coffee, but he will make the coffee - and he doesn't drink coffee! On Saturday mornings he will go to the Starbucks (2 miles away) and bring me back a latte.

DH also always gets up first in the morning, so it is his routine to get the baby up and change his diaper before bringing him to me to nurse.

DH comes home for lunch on most days, and when he does, I have lunch made and waiting for him.

Now my husband wasn't always "giving," in fact he can be selfish, and so can I. I love to tease him about once when I was pregnant with our oldest, I was taking a nap in the guestroom, and he yelled for me, woke me up - he wanted me to turn off the light in the living room and he didn't want to get up and do it himself. Part of being married is learning to be selfless, but it takes time, longer for some people than for others.

Edit: I just thought of this, but it is important. In the beginning of our marriage, DH used to ask me to do lots of things for him. I was of the mindset that if someone asked me to do something, I did it. Later I learned that he was asking - and I could say no!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, maybe it is not just that cup of coffee...
But maybe there is a real underlying issue that he feels, 'I am the man, and my woman should wait on me...'

If you ALWAYS bring the coffee... pick up the socks... wash the dishes after supper... etc.. etc... that cup of coffee could be like that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

About the singular issue of coffee... My husband is the one that pours me the cup of coffee in the mornings. That is because he gets up for work early, and then I get out of bed after he has the chance to get himself up and ready... so, he is there making coffee anyhow.

But, other than that... yes, my husband is from parents where the woman is the servant to the husband... Like Edith waiting on Archie while he sits in his easy-chair... Like June Cleaver. While he does try to help, he has definitely had the underlying viewpoint that the housework and the waiting-on are the woman's responsibility. So, believe me, I know how that goes.

 

[marmalade]

I do the cleaning. I do the cooking. I do run all errands that need to be run (including his). I do the grocery shopping. I do the laundry. I do the bill paying. I do get the kids to and from school everyday. I do all the Christmas shopping (including my own a couple of times). I do about 85% of the childcare. I do make sure the house is in working order.

I am a cook, baker, butler, housekeeper, maid, babysitter, accountant, gopher, personal shopper, chauffer, nurse, teacher, laundress, cheerleader, arts and crafts director, entertainment manager, warden and handyman.

And my DH works 10-14 hour days so that I can stay at home and do all those things. He is the reason I am blessed to be able to stay home with my children (before they started school). And now I get to spend time in their classrooms; helping their teachers and seeing what they are learning at the same time.

Everything I do, regardless of the times I get wiped out and wish someone else would do it all, is worth it to be able to have the gift he gives me with our children. A cup of coffee doesn't matter all that much in the end.

Just my 2 cents.

I quoted your post because you described my duties as well and I like they way you worded it so I am borrowing it to say this is pretty much how our household is.

However to the OP, the minute my DH stops appreciating what I do and starts expecting it is when I stop getting his cup of coffee, or all the other things I do. Just like I apprecite my DH for his job and what he provides for our family, he appreciates me for my job and what I do for the family.

 

[mjkacmom]

My DH gets his own coffee (and breakfast, and lunch...). My gf was married to a man who used to call her from another room, asking her to get him stuff. When they had kids, he prided himself on never having changed a diaper. Two weeks before she gave birth to her 3rd child (she was happy with the 2 they had, he wanted another), he left her for another woman. Throughout their whole relationship, she would defend his actions, and serve him.

 

[CurlyGirl]

For crying out loud, have you tried telling him you're busy and can't do it? If I don't want to fetch my husband a cup of coffee, I'll say no. It's not unheard of.

Are you telling us that you never ask anything of him? You never ask him to do things for you when you can very well do them on your own?

 

[Planogirl]

I would simply say that I can't get it for him when he asks. My DH is a capable adult and never asks me to wait on him. I wouldn't have it any other way.