"A happy marriage is hard work" - agree or disagree?

[Colleen27]

My marriage is work. We've been together since I've been 15 and he 18 and married for 22 years. It is work because we are totally different people than we started out as.

We really don't agree on much. We've been really rocky this last year and we keep trying to keep it together. I love him but I think my love is beginning to turn more brotherly/sisterly than romantic. I have to work on it being romantic. He over reacts and I walk on egg shells to keep him calm, I work on that. We don't communicate well - either of us. We have talked about ending it and moving on but we come back -it's all we know. We work on it. There are times we are happy. We don't laugh much or make time for each other. I guess typing this out I feel more like we are roommates than husband wife and I am sad. I was over the moon in love with him but life has really gotten in the way.

We work on it. Every day. It's exhausting some days. I guess we need to do some communicating to figure out if we want to work on it anymore or not.

I think many relationships go through that stage during the super-busy parenting/career years. The trick, from what I've seen in relatives with successful long-term marriages, is to keep in mind that it is just a stage and put in the work during the years when even making time for dinner and a movie does feel like work so that when the rest of life's obligations begin to wane you have a basis for reconnecting with your spouse.

I agree with the poster who said it takes work, but it isn't hard. Compared to raising three kids...marriage is a breeze I love being married

I think it is just the opposite. Marriage is much harder work than parenting. Parenting, now that we're past the baby/toddler stage, is quite enjoyable and therefore doesn't feel much like work. I'm one of those weird people who prefers teens over toddlers and I really like being Mom to three kids old enough to hold conversations, express wants without crying/whining, and with interests and opinions of their own. But DH can be exhausting, particularly at times of transition when we're renegotiating established patterns in our relationship and our household. Maybe it is because I'm a pretty extreme introvert to the point of hermit tendencies or because I grew up with a single mom who didn't have relationships, but I find it much harder to deal with a grown man needing me/expecting compromise from me than I do to understand and meet the kids needs.

 

[JanaDee]

I think many relationships go through that stage during the super-busy parenting/career years. The trick, from what I've seen in relatives with successful long-term marriages, is to keep in mind that it is just a stage and put in the work during the years when even making time for dinner and a movie does feel like work so that when the rest of life's obligations begin to wane you have a basis for reconnecting with your spouse.



I think it is just the opposite. Marriage is much harder work than parenting. Parenting, now that we're past the baby/toddler stage, is quite enjoyable and therefore doesn't feel much like work. I'm one of those weird people who prefers teens over toddlers and I really like being Mom to three kids old enough to hold conversations, express wants without crying/whining, and with interests and opinions of their own. But DH can be exhausting, particularly at times of transition when we're renegotiating established patterns in our relationship and our household. Maybe it is because I'm a pretty extreme introvert to the point of hermit tendencies or because I grew up with a single mom who didn't have relationships, but I find it much harder to deal with a grown man needing me/expecting compromise from me than I do to understand and meet the kids needs.

I think parenting teens, especially as a team, is MUCH harder than marriage itself. If we didn't have kids, our marriage would be pretty darn close to conflict-free.

 

[ebtbmom]

I think it is just the opposite. Marriage is much harder work than parenting. Parenting, now that we're past the baby/toddler stage, is quite enjoyable and therefore doesn't feel much like work. I'm one of those weird people who prefers teens over toddlers and I really like being Mom to three kids old enough to hold conversations, express wants without crying/whining, and with interests and opinions of their own. But DH can be exhausting, particularly at times of transition when we're renegotiating established patterns in our relationship and our household. Maybe it is because I'm a pretty extreme introvert to the point of hermit tendencies or because I grew up with a single mom who didn't have relationships, but I find it much harder to deal with a grown man needing me/expecting compromise from me than I do to understand and meet the kids needs.

I agree with you. I've never felt that being a mom is hard work or a job. It's more that I feel like it's just who I am, disclaimer, I have an only child so maybe it's different when you have several.

Being married though, is hard work to me. I'm not a very compromising person and neither is DH. It's hard to compromise when you think you know what you're talking about!

I love DH very much and I truley feel like he's a part of me, so I'm willing to work to be with him. But when this marriage ends I'm pretty sure I'm done.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Marriage for me is like "refuge" in a violent storm; calm, and comforting.
The only labor involved was in the act of childbirth. (x2)

I agree. Well, except for the x2. Since we have an only child.

Life can be hard. But marriage? Marriage is the place, the relationship, where I don't have to work.

(We've been married 23 years, this month.)

 

[CanBeGrumpy]

My marriage is work. We've been together since I've been 15 and he 18 and married for 22 years. It is work because we are totally different people than we started out as.

We really don't agree on much. We've been really rocky this last year and we keep trying to keep it together. I love him but I think my love is beginning to turn more brotherly/sisterly than romantic. I have to work on it being romantic. He over reacts and I walk on egg shells to keep him calm, I work on that. We don't communicate well - either of us. We have talked about ending it and moving on but we come back -it's all we know. We work on it. There are times we are happy. We don't laugh much or make time for each other. I guess typing this out I feel more like we are roommates than husband wife and I am sad. I was over the moon in love with him but life has really gotten in the way.

We work on it. Every day. It's exhausting some days. I guess we need to do some communicating to figure out if we want to work on it anymore or not.

I think it is just the opposite. Marriage is much harder work than parenting. Parenting, now that we're past the baby/toddler stage, is quite enjoyable and therefore doesn't feel much like work. I'm one of those weird people who prefers teens over toddlers and I really like being Mom to three kids old enough to hold conversations, express wants without crying/whining, and with interests and opinions of their own. But DH can be exhausting, particularly at times of transition when we're renegotiating established patterns in our relationship and our household. Maybe it is because I'm a pretty extreme introvert to the point of hermit tendencies or because I grew up with a single mom who didn't have relationships, but I find it much harder to deal with a grown man needing me/expecting compromise from me than I do to understand and meet the kids needs.

I can relate to both of the posters I quoted. Like MousefanMichelle, I, too, feel like I am a completely different person than when I got married. I'll go as far as to say that being married has MADE me a different person (not in a good way). I've also found that the things I looked for in a spouse when I was in my 20s aren't necessarily the things I need most now (in my 40s).

I'm also a person that craves a lot of time alone, like Colleen27, and it is very, very difficult to have someone around 24/7. I dread retirement and being with my spouse all day every day and having no refuge to escape to when I want to be alone. I've talked to several other women who feel the same way.

My husband is a good man, good husband, good person--I should be blissfully happy, but I just feel like I am missing a connection with him. It is quite sad, really. For both of us.

 

[Bluestars]

I think happiness in anything takes effort, unless you have a perfect life handed to you and don't have to work for anything. To me, a happy marriage takes effort from both partners. If one partner doesn't put forth the effort (work), then the marriage isn't balanced.

Parenting is hard work to me, as is marriage. There are easy times when everything is great and there are difficult times when it takes a lot of strength to get through them. A blended family brings different challenges for both partners and it does take effort to work through them.

I have been married almost 20 years and it's been a roller coaster. Our youngest just started college, so now we have more time to focus on our relationship. It's good. When I think of all of the challenges my husband and I have been through during the past 20 years, I am amazed that we made it to where we are now. Everything in our lives has not been perfect, but we kept going and have the same core values in life.

As far as parenting, some kids are easy and some are more difficult. Thankfully, my youngest was the easiest and a breeze. The older ones were more of a challenge and things weren't so easy. Again, a blended family brought challenges. My husband and I have worked hard to deal with those challenges. We have a happy marriage. One that will continue to require effort from both of us for the rest of our lives. It's worth it.

 

[OKW Lover]

Disagree. For us its a lot of fun.

 

[NMAmy]

Yep, I agree with you on this. Being married to DH isn't hard work at all. We have no problems with communication or compromise. We both really want to make the other happy but that isn't hard work at all--it's a pleasure.

I posted this in 2012 in reply to this thread and I'm happy to say that my answer is still the same.

 

[NFLDERS]

I agree. Well, except for the x2. Since we have an only child.

Life can be hard. But marriage? Marriage is the place, the relationship, where I don't have to work.

(We've been married 23 years, this month.)

44 years for us this February.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I think happiness in anything takes effort, unless you have a perfect life handed to you and don't have to work for anything. To me, a happy marriage takes effort from both partners. If one partner doesn't put forth the effort (work), then the marriage isn't balanced.

I'm sure you didn't mean for this to sound as condescending as it does.

Trust me, I didn't have a perfect life handed to me. And we worked hard for everything we have.

In fact, during the past 23 years we have dealt with: long term unemployment (twice), major illnesses of our own and of family members, infertility, and the death of loved ones. Oh, and our son starts college this spring, so we are also looking forward to more time for just the two of us.

Life can be hard. Marriage, for us, is easy.

 

[Disneychick75]

My husband and I have been married over 30 years. Every marriage hits rough patches and then it's work. Most of the time, it's easy peasy.

 

[Colleen27]

As another personality issue, I think the "work" that comes in marriage is the same that occurs in any healthy relationship -- which is being mindful, self-aware, and aware of the needs of others. For some people that awareness comes naturally and easily. For others, that awareness does not come naturally and the person has to want to and be committed to being mindful and aware of the needs of the other person in the relationship.

I think that is very much the case for DH and I. Being more outwardly-focused and mindful doesn't come especially easily to either of us, and because we were friends before we became romantically involved there's a certain level of understanding on that subject that can cross over into a sort of enabling where our first tendency is to give the other time/space rather than address little things head-on. Sometimes that works, sometimes it lets things pile up until a bunch of little things start to feel like a major problem.

Being married though, is hard work to me. I'm not a very compromising person and neither is DH. It's hard to compromise when you think you know what you're talking about!

I love DH very much and I truley feel like he's a part of me, so I'm willing to work to be with him. But when this marriage ends I'm pretty sure I'm done.

I'm the same way. I honestly can't imagine how marriage would have worked for me with anyone other than DH. I was engaged once before I met him and in hindsight it was a disaster waiting to happen - my then-boyfriend did all the compromising and I basically ran the show, which could never have worked in the long run.

If something happened to DH I might date casually just for adult company but there's no way I'd remarry. I'm just not that good at it and don't see myself investing that energy/work in another marriage/live-in relationship.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

"nothing with having comes without some kind of fight".

Yes, it is hard work and Completley worth it

 

[bethy]

If something were to happen to DH I will never remarry. I don't want anything to happen to him. But I also never ever would choose marriage again. It is not for me.

 

[Minniesgal]

The thing with compromise is that you have to be able to make peace with the compromises you have to make when and you have to find a way to be happy while making them. It is one thing if the compromises you need to make for the relationship are ones you can be happy with. For us what has been hard is the times we have been diametrically opposed in what we wanted and how we wanted to deal with a situation we were faced with. I started out always being the one to give and realized eventually hat didn't work at all. It wasn't until I decided finally that I have to have some if the things I really want and had e courage to take something I wanted with all my heart even though while my husband was in agreement with the decision we made I knew it wasn't his first choice that we found a way to both be happy. Compromise is necessary but also so is sometimes fighting for the things that are important to you individually.

 

[dawnball]

I've questioned what, specifically, takes work in a relationship. The answer is usually communication and making time for one another. Those are things my partner and I enjoy doing. It's naturally a high priority for us, not something we consider work or effort or have to remind ourselves to do. How happy can a relationship be if those fundamental aspects feel like chores?

See, what takes work in my marriage isn't communication or making time for one another. It's accepting that communication and making time for one another doesn't fix everything.

My husband tends to slam the front door closed. It drives me crazy. I worked at being less up-tight about slamming noises and he worked on slamming less.

I load the dishwasher in ways that he finds crazy-making and inefficient. I'm working on getting better, and he's working on being less frustrated by it.

Those are both work - once we've practiced some, we're better at it. We might be "good enough", or need more work at it. Sometimes we have the same base conversations again and again (which is more work) until we stumble upon the right tactics to try.

Right now, he thinks I need to make some changes for my health. I don't want to make those choices yet. I know it's hard for him not to push me toward them, but I'm mentally not ready, and I don't think we have enough data yet to make a good decision. That's hard for him and for me, and it's work on both of our parts not to try to resolve that disagreement prematurely.

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sure you didn't mean for this to sound as condescending as it does.

Trust me, I didn't have a perfect life handed to me. And we worked hard for everything we have.

In fact, during the past 23 years we have dealt with: long term unemployment (twice), major illnesses of our own and of family members, infertility, and the death of loved ones. Oh, and our son starts college this spring, so we are also looking forward to more time for just the two of us.

Life can be hard. Marriage, for us, is easy.

I definitely did not mean for my comment to sound condescending. By work in a marriage, I mean working through the difficult times when there are huge issues with health, family members, jobs, or something that impacts our lives in a big way. The majority of the time, it is effortless. However, there are times when getting on the same page takes compromise and a willingness to see the other's perspective. That takes effort in some situations, in my opinion.

The day to day stuff is nothing. It's the big things that married couples go through that really test the strength of a marriage, at least that is my perspective. Some people may breeze through the big things without a second thought. I am just not one of those people. It takes effort.

 

[pigletgirl]

I definitely did not mean for my comment to sound condescending. By work in a marriage, I mean working through the difficult times when there are huge issues with health, family members, jobs, or something that impacts our lives in a big way. The majority of the time, it is effortless. However, there are times when getting on the same page takes compromise and a willingness to see the other's perspective. That takes effort in some situations, in my opinion. The day to day stuff is nothing. It's the big things that married couples go through that really test the strength of a marriage, at least that is my perspective. Some people may breeze through the big things without a second thought. I am just not one of those people. It takes effort.

I think marriage takes a lot of effort even in the daily parts of life. When you add a child to the mix it takes more effort to remind ourselves of our relationship. It's easy to focus on her but to be a good parent, our marriage needs to remain healthy.

So yeah, marriage is work.

 

[Keli]

I think having a happy marriage does take work. Maybe that's because I see compromise as work. It's not my favorite thing and I have to consciously make the choice to compromise, my natural instinct is to stand my ground. But that's not always conducive to a happy marriage. And I highly value a happy marriage. So sometimes I realize I need to give in and sometimes dh gives in and overall we make it work.

 

[tvguy]

I think having a happy marriage does take work. Maybe that's because I see compromise as work. It's not my favorite thing and I have to consciously make the choice to compromise, my natural instinct is to stand my ground. But that's not always conducive to a happy marriage. And I highly value a happy marriage. So sometimes I realize I need to give in and sometimes dh gives in and overall we make it work.

I see your point. Compromise isn't work for us though, probably because our jobs require so many quick decisions, that mindset is just part of our routine.

But the biggest thing after 32 years of marriage is , we pretty much want the same things right out of the gate. I can't tell you how many times we have had to made a decision and we both blurted out the same choice, word for word, at the same time. We just did a top to bottom remodel of our house, we must have made 200 decisions on paint, cabinets, appliances, fixtures, flooring, toilets, not a single dispute.

We each did bring ideas to the process, me wanting to get rid of carpet and put in laminate, and taking a wall out, my wife wanting specific materials, corian, for the bathroom and kitchen, and a specific microwave.