Vent: Other parents fussing at your kids...?

[Princesca]

My son just turned two, and he was playing in the same general space as a cousin who's about to turn one. The one year old is obsessed with following my son around, and my son is used to playing pretty independently. He is at a stage where he's protective of his toys, and we're working on the concept of sharing, but this is all developmentally appropriate interaction for his age. Anyway, the one year old keeps coming up on my son and trying to take his toys and just generally being handsy (as one year olds are wont to be) and my son is guarding. Not pushing, but putting an arm out defensively to keep the one year old at a distance. He did kind of lightly hip-check him at one point when he was crowding him, which knocked the one year old over, and I told him that 'that hurts baby, see how sad he is?' Baby was crying, but not hurt. But my son is too young to get it, and is very rarely around kids younger than him so he doesn't understand their capabilities, so there's not much I can do at this point but remove him from the situation, which I have been doing. The baby keeps following, though, so really, I think it's the baby that needs to be contained if my sister in law is so concerned about this.

My issue is with my sister in law who was fussing at my son, even when the potential was there but he hadn't done anything yet. In my opinion, both the children were behaving entirely appropriately for their ages, and I also believe that this is how kids learn to navigate shared spaces together. If they were brothers, and you fussed at the older one every time these instances happen, you'd have chronic laryngitis. But he is her only child, and I'm chalking this up to that fact plus the fact that he's only one and I think we were all overprotective at that stage.

I guess I'm just venting. I generally think that people should leave the reprimanding and discipline to the parents, if they are present, and she has spent hardly any time with our son over the first two years of his life, so I don't feel like it's her right to criticize his behavior to him when we are there and acting on it.

I suppose I'm really the overprotective one, but the 'mama bear' in me is really grumpy right now. Unlike this emoji bear.

 

[Schneewittchen37]

You're going to have to get used to this. It takes a village. Blah Blah Blah.

Me and all the other Gen X parents are about to start yelling at your kid for everything and we aren't going to care if you get upset about it.

Remember, feedback is a gift. If you don't give him feedback, we will. We're just trying to keep him from getting flattened by a dump trunk, hurting the baby or twisting his ankle.

 

[mjkacmom]

I had 5 kids in 6 years, it takes a village, and yes, learning to share takes time, but it needs to be learned. I had #2 when #1 was 20 months old, everything was fine until the baby became mobile, and then we dealt with the toy issue. Toys not shared were removed temporarily. I had several playgroups as a SAHM for my sanity, if you don’t want to share something put it away, otherwise it’s fair game.

 

[brockash]

My son just turned two, and he was playing in the same general space as a cousin who's about to turn one. The one year old is obsessed with following my son around, and my son is used to playing pretty independently. He is at a stage where he's protective of his toys, and we're working on the concept of sharing, but this is all developmentally appropriate interaction for his age. Anyway, the one year old keeps coming up on my son and trying to take his toys and just generally being handsy (as one year olds are wont to be) and my son is guarding. Not pushing, but putting an arm out defensively to keep the one year old at a distance. He did kind of lightly hip-check him at one point when he was crowding him, which knocked the one year old over, and I told him that 'that hurts baby, see how sad he is?' Baby was crying, but not hurt. But my son is too young to get it, and is very rarely around kids younger than him so he doesn't understand their capabilities, so there's not much I can do at this point but remove him from the situation, which I have been doing. The baby keeps following, though, so really, I think it's the baby that needs to be contained if my sister in law is so concerned about this.

My issue is with my sister in law who was fussing at my son, even when the potential was there but he hadn't done anything yet. In my opinion, both the children were behaving entirely appropriately for their ages, and I also believe that this is how kids learn to navigate shared spaces together. If they were brothers, and you fussed at the older one every time these instances happen, you'd have chronic laryngitis. But he is her only child, and I'm chalking this up to that fact plus the fact that he's only one and I think we were all overprotective at that stage.

I guess I'm just venting. I generally think that people should leave the reprimanding and discipline to the parents, if they are present, and she has spent hardly any time with our son over the first two years of his life, so I don't feel like it's her right to criticize his behavior to him when we are there and acting on it.

I suppose I'm really the overprotective one, but the 'mama bear' in me is really grumpy right now. Unlike this emoji bear.

Honestly, I don't think there's really a good way around this. Just know it's a stage and should resolve as they get older. Maybe the answer is to noy spend as much time together right now. Unfortunately everyone parents differently and can really cause issues.

My dsis. and I are really close, but boy do we parent differently. I have this lil saying that independently and on their own I love spending time with each person in her family, but with them together...argh no thx.

 

[kdonnel]

The one thing that stuck with me from when my kids were small was the woman that came up to me unsolicited at the mall food court to explain that I really should be making my own baby food and not using that garbage they sell at the grocery store.

Unsolicited advice is I think just as annoying as unsolicited discipline.

 

[Minnesota!]

Not worth the energy to be upset about it. It happens, and will keep happening, regardless of if you are right there. Just gotta roll with it...as annoying as it can be. The stage is so short...

 

[DLgal]

Ah parenting. I could write a book. I wonder if anyone's done that yet...

OP, I feel you. I don't think you did anything wrong here and your SIL needs to get over it. Her child isn't special and doesn't need to have a bubble around him to protect him from other kids. If she is going to have him play around older kids, thems the breaks. Older kids will behave differently and do not need to be expected to cater to younger ones at THIS age. Your child was not being overly aggressive and didn't really seem to need any feedback. He was being protective of his toy. Nothing wrong with that.

In addition, I'm sorry, but kids should not be taught that they HAVE to share their OWN toys. I HATE this idea. Kids should be allowed to decide for themselves IF they want to share their toys or not. Simply taking your toy to a public space should not automatically mean you HAVE to share it with other kids. Sharing in the context of a place like daycare is completely different, where the toys are community property. Toddlers should be allowed to make the choice of whether they want to share a toy or not. We had this issue at parks when my children were younger. They are autistic and had security items they carried around EVERYWHERE and these were NOT toys for sharing and I got so much crap from other moms at the playground when their "little angels" would try and snatch these items away from my kids. I would have to be like "no, he does not have to share that toy. It is his toy." The entitlement is sometimes unbelievable.

In this case, the 1 year old should have been redirected by mom, not YOUR kid getting an earful from her.

 

[jo-jo]

The one thing that stuck with me from when my kids were small was the woman that came up to me unsolicited at the mall food court to explain that I really should be making my own baby food and not using that garbage they sell at the grocery store.

Unsolicited advice is I think just as annoying as unsolicited discipline.

You should have told her, but after he got done eating the cotton candy and the big mac, he still seemed hungry, this was all I had left. Watch her head explode.


True story about homemade food. My DS was attempting to make her child baby food. She was saying no matter what , she just can't get the carrots smooth. I said cook them a few mins more. She replied (with wide open eyes).....you cook them first?????

 

[bennifer]

In addition, I'm sorry, but kids should not be taught that they HAVE to share their OWN toys. I HATE this idea. Kids should be allowed to decide for themselves IF they want to share their toys or not. Simply taking your toy to a public space should not automatically mean you HAVE to share it with other kids. Sharing in the context of a place like daycare is completely different, where the toys are community property. Toddlers should be allowed to make the choice of whether they want to share a toy or not. We had this issue at parks when my children were younger. They are autistic and had security items they carried around EVERYWHERE and these were NOT toys for sharing and I got so much crap from other moms at the playground when their "little angels" would try and snatch these items away from my kids. I would have to be like "no, he does not have to share that toy. It is his toy." The entitlement is sometimes unbelievable.

100% this. Could you imagine walking up to someone and demanding their car keys because you like their car and want them to share it with you? "But I WANT to drive it!" Sharing can be a nice thing, but it should never be demanded of children to share their own belongings.

 

[dez1978]

Ah parenting. I could write a book. I wonder if anyone's done that yet...

OP, I feel you. I don't think you did anything wrong here and your SIL needs to get over it. Her child isn't special and doesn't need to have a bubble around him to protect him from other kids. If she is going to have him play around older kids, thems the breaks. Older kids will behave differently and do not need to be expected to cater to younger ones at THIS age. Your child was not being overly aggressive and didn't really seem to need any feedback. He was being protective of his toy. Nothing wrong with that.

In addition, I'm sorry, but kids should not be taught that they HAVE to share their OWN toys. I HATE this idea. Kids should be allowed to decide for themselves IF they want to share their toys or not. Simply taking your toy to a public space should not automatically mean you HAVE to share it with other kids. Sharing in the context of a place like daycare is completely different, where the toys are community property. Toddlers should be allowed to make the choice of whether they want to share a toy or not. We had this issue at parks when my children were younger. They are autistic and had security items they carried around EVERYWHERE and these were NOT toys for sharing and I got so much crap from other moms at the playground when their "little angels" would try and snatch these items away from my kids. I would have to be like "no, he does not have to share that toy. It is his toy." The entitlement is sometimes unbelievable.

In this case, the 1 year old should have been redirected by mom, not YOUR kid getting an earful from her.

I agree when it comes to kids outside the family. Like at the park, I wouldn't make my kids share with a stranger. But they dang sure will share with their sibling. And if they can't, well neither of them gets to use it. My boys are 2.5 yrs apart and even at 8 and 11 they still do this sometimes. I wonder if it ever stops lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I generally think that people should leave the reprimanding and discipline to the parents, if they are present

That is true, on the other hand if someone truly feels their child is at risk it's completely understandable that that takes over. So far you've mentioned your child hip-checked the other child and knocked them over. Your cousin should be stepping in on her child just grabbing toys that don't belong to them but she also does have reason to be at least more heightened about interactions.

The baby keeps following, though, so really, I think it's the baby that needs to be contained if my sister in law is so concerned about this.

You feel one way she feels another way but both are you are entitled to feel how you feel about your own children. Perhaps the better solution is to not have play dates for a while with these particular children. Contained is also an interesting descriptor assigned to the other child.

has spent hardly any time with our son over the first two years of his life, so I don't feel like it's her right to criticize his behavior to him

That's an entirely different issue but try to make sure that's not the reason you're feeling the way you are. It shouldn't have any bearing on how you feel about someone else (regardless of who that is) reprimanding your child.

 

[rigs32]

Sharing can be a nice thing, but it should never be demanded of children to share their own belongings.

I'm Gen X and this emphasis on sharing was just not a thing when I was a kid. As kids get older who were raised with the notion of "you must share if I ask", they are taking that attitude along with them. Just because you want something doesn't mean you get it or get to use it. Even if you ask nicely.

 

[DLgal]

I agree when it comes to kids outside the family. Like at the park, I wouldn't make my kids share with a stranger. But they dang sure will share with their sibling. And if they can't, well neither of them gets to use it. My boys are 2.5 yrs apart and even at 8 and 11 they still do this sometimes. I wonder if it ever stops lol

Siblings are different. Your house and toys are essentially community property at that point.

 

[Mysterian]

Ah parenting. I could write a book. I wonder if anyone's done that yet...

OP, I feel you. I don't think you did anything wrong here and your SIL needs to get over it. Her child isn't special and doesn't need to have a bubble around him to protect him from other kids. If she is going to have him play around older kids, thems the breaks. Older kids will behave differently and do not need to be expected to cater to younger ones at THIS age. Your child was not being overly aggressive and didn't really seem to need any feedback. He was being protective of his toy. Nothing wrong with that.

In addition, I'm sorry, but kids should not be taught that they HAVE to share their OWN toys. I HATE this idea. Kids should be allowed to decide for themselves IF they want to share their toys or not. Simply taking your toy to a public space should not automatically mean you HAVE to share it with other kids. Sharing in the context of a place like daycare is completely different, where the toys are community property. Toddlers should be allowed to make the choice of whether they want to share a toy or not. We had this issue at parks when my children were younger. They are autistic and had security items they carried around EVERYWHERE and these were NOT toys for sharing and I got so much crap from other moms at the playground when their "little angels" would try and snatch these items away from my kids. I would have to be like "no, he does not have to share that toy. It is his toy." The entitlement is sometimes unbelievable.

In this case, the 1 year old should have been redirected by mom, not YOUR kid getting an earful from her.

I agree. Teachers can be like this too. Brought my Yoda hand puppet to grade school for show and tell (this was when I was a little kid, BTW, not this year), and the teacher said I had to let this one girl play with it. The teacher forced my hand, and I had to hand over the puppet to a stranger.

Typical adults serving us kids the bitter taste of Orwellian oppression.
That puppet is long gone, but the memories remain...

"Hello darkness, my old friend..."

 

[Mysterian]

I'm Gen X and this emphasis on sharing was just not a thing when I was a kid. As kids get older who were raised with the notion of "you must share if I ask", they are taking that attitude along with them. Just because you want something doesn't mean you get it or get to use it. Even if you ask nicely.

I'm Gen X but I remember adults who were big on enforcing sharing. Yet, if sharing is smiled upon, how is it benevolent if adults are making kids do it by demand or threat of punishment?

 

[mjkacmom]

Siblings are different. Your house and toys are essentially community property at that point.

Any child who was a guest in our home was allowed to play with whatever toys were laying around if no one else was playing with them. If there were certain toys my children didn’t share well, they were put away. Total strangers at the park, not expected to share.

 

[DLgal]

Any child who was a guest in our home was allowed to play with whatever toys were laying around if no one else was playing with them. If there were certain toys my children didn’t share well, they were put away. Total strangers at the park, not expected to share.

Yep, we did this as well with toys at home, but we primarily only had younger cousins visiting at our house.

 

[Moliphino]

I agree when it comes to kids outside the family. Like at the park, I wouldn't make my kids share with a stranger. But they dang sure will share with their sibling. And if they can't, well neither of them gets to use it. My boys are 2.5 yrs apart and even at 8 and 11 they still do this sometimes. I wonder if it ever stops lol

For communal toys yes, but kids shouldn't have to share things that are theirs alone even with siblings. I was never entitled to play with my sister's dolls. I had my own to play with.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yep, we did this as well with toys at home, but we primarily only had younger cousins visiting at our house.

I was a SAHM with 5 close in age kids, I had a ton of kids here all of the time. My landscaper was shocked when my mom told him I didn’t actually run a daycare (he was her landscaper too). Two of my daughters shared all of their clothes/shoes for more than a dozen years until one went away to college.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

For communal toys yes, but kids shouldn't have to share things that are theirs alone even with siblings. I was never entitled to play with my sister's dolls. I had my own to play with.

I agree with you here, I think the sharing with siblings can be presented as too black and white. Shouldn't kids, even young ones, feel like they have a toy or a few that is just theirs? There are countless toys kids often get, some can be just one kid and some another without the overreaching share lesson being lost. Nothing breeds resentment faster than feeling like you have nothing special for yourself (and that's not a bad thing to want something to yourself while sharing the bulk of everything).