18 year olds, sigh

[AndreaDM]

Omg. The summer between my DD's high school graduation and the start of (away) college 2.5 months later was the worst summer of my entire life. I can't even talk about it in detail because I still have some PTSD about it all. Came out of the blue, like someone else, someone really unpleasant and mean, inhabited her body that summer.

We laugh about it now, not even two years later, and are doing great together, but it was a terrible time. It made me feel better later on when I learned that this is an infamous time for this rebellion. One work colleague who pretty much adored her two teenage sons, told me that she wanted to scream at her firstborn when he left for college, "Don't let the door hit you on your way out!"

It definitely does get better, but it can get pretty bad before that. My DD's personality change lasted about 4-5 months in total.
And there are just the two of u in the household, so I felt pretty alone with no hubby or sibling to roll eyes with. Just our dog.

Yes! Like who is this crazy person and where is my daughter?! I feel like she is looking for any reason to be offended and mad at me. She told me a month or so ago about how judgmental I was, so I asked for an example. She told me that I asked if her friend "Joe" had found a job yet, like I was being rude about it when SHE was the one who had told me prior that she thinks "Joe" needs to get a job (he graduated last year). I literally couldn't care less if "Joe" has a job or not, I was TRYING to show her that I listen when she talks and show interest. I'm tired of walking on eggshells because no matter what I say, even with the best of intentions, she will somehow twist it around to make it sound like I was being offensive. I have to stop and think about how I'm going to phrase anything I say to her. It's exhausting, even my watch is constantly reminding me to BREATHE.

 

[AndreaDM]

I never had a curfew but I also never came home that late while in high school. I had school in the morning and had to get up for that lol. Most often I just stayed at a friends house if it was the weekend so it wasn't the biggest deal as I wasn't coming in at 3am; I might have stayed up til 3am at the friends house but we weren't out on the town at that time. I also worked in high school and had to go to work. Both work and school were set things you couldn't just miss it because you were tired if you stayed up late.

I don't know how her school has been but if it's been remote at all I could see that adding to the mix of being an extraordinary circumstance where our experiences in our pasts (parents or kids) take on a different feeling. My husband was talking with his coworker. The coworkers's neighbor had a son in college. The classes were all remote and the son decided to go to skiing in CO for 10 days doing classwork for a while, then going skiing, then school and so on. I mean..normally no you can't do that but with the way schooling has been it changed the way things were done. School for a lot of kids is less rigid (even if they are in-person schooling) than it used to be with this pandemic and I could see that interfering with how someone feels about what they can and can't do even if we don't see that as acceptable.

While I think 3am is excessive if it was a here and there thing maybe not the worst of the worst in the grand scheme not that it means she's right you're wrong though just that it may not be the hill to die on if it makes the relationship sour so badly. If it's habitual..that's a different story. Wonder if it would appeal to her that while you don't have a curfew an earlier time is more respectful without trying to switch gears and add a curfew that didn't exist before.

But I would completely agree with you on the boyfriend thing if you had that as a pre-existing rule. That doesn't just change because you turn 18.

But you're not crazy either to feel how you feel

School is in person and she has a part time job at a restaurant as well. Even the school doesn't see them as "adults" lol, she quickly found out she still can't call herself off school just because she's 18, a parent still needs to do that.

The 3 AM thing is just, well no young kid has any business being out at that hour unless they're up delivering papers lol, and it's disrespectful to the other people in the house. I used to think my mom was so overbearing because she said she couldn't fall asleep until everyone was home and in their own beds. I kind of get it now. But it's more than that, we do fall asleep and then wake up when she gets home, we have very creaky floors, no one's sneaking around in our house lol.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Yes, that's another thing she did, turned off her location the second she turned 18.

My oldest tried this for about 5 minutes when she turned 18. I reminded her she was using a phone that I paid for, and I would shut it down.

I also reminded her that she was out driving a car that I bought, that was in my name, and that I paid the insurance. So, don't even think of turning off the location, or you won't be driving a car.

Once at college, I didn't even want to know where she was But if she went out of state/country she did put on location.

Set the tone with your first child, so those younger rugrats know what to expect. Makes life so much easier.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

she still can't call herself off school just because she's 18, a parent still needs to do that.

Really? Huh because that's not how it worked here. Once you were 18 OR you had been legally emancipated if you were under 18 you could call yourself in for school.

I just checked and that's the case for at least the school district my house is in which says: "On rare occasions, students who have reached the age of 18 will apply for Age of Majority status which transfers responsibility for attendance and grade information from the parent/guardian to the student. Applications are available in the main office. Students with AOM status must still sign in and out at the attendance office and are responsible for calling the Attendance Office by 8:00 a.m. to excuse an absence."

The school district I grew up in words it slightly differently by saying a Parent is one of the following: "Parent" means: (1) a natural parent; (2) an adoptive parent; (3) a person acting as a parent as defined in K.S.A. 72-1046(d)(2), and amendments thereto; (4) a legal guardian; (5) an education advocate for a student with an exceptionality; (6) a foster parent, unless the student is a child with an exceptionality; or (7) a student who has reached the age of majority or is an emancipated minor."

But hey if that's the rules at your daughter's school that's the rules.

The 3 AM thing is just, well no young kid has any business being out at that hour unless they're up delivering papers lol, and it's disrespectful to the other people in the house. I used to think my mom was so overbearing because she said she couldn't fall asleep until everyone was home and in their own beds. I kind of get it now. But it's more than that, we do fall asleep and then wake up when she gets home, we have very creaky floors, no one's sneaking around in our house lol.

My mom always made me wake her up when I came in even when I was a freshman in college home on breaks or for the summer lol. For that reason she preferred we come in through the garage as her room was close enough to that to hear it. My husband's mom was the same way with him that she wanted him to wake her up. My husband didn't have a curfew either. I think we maybe just naturally set our own boundaries?? I really don't know because TBH getting in a 3am and having to wake up at 6am for school (which started at 7:40 but until halfway through senior year I rode the bus and that picked me up at just before 7am) it never appealed to me to get that little sleep. The weekends were maybe a bit different TBH.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I also reminded her that she was out driving a car that I bought, that was in my name, and that I paid the insurance. So, don't even think of turning off the location, or you won't be driving a car.

My car was in my mom's name because I was under 18 when it was bought. It was purchased with my money though and I did pay the insurance each month to my mom.

At a certain point I don't know that's it's fair to hold these things over their heads if you never gave them the opportunity to do it. Like if you gave them the responsibility to pay for their car (maybe in installments to you but still) or pay for the insurance and they kept failing to keep up that part you'd have that footing but to say I bought, it's in my name, I paid for it well yeah you made that decision they didn't get the choice to if that makes sense.

My dad bought my sister's car but she paid him $99/month to pay him back. She paid for the insurance as well. I could def. understand if he started pulling back and saying stuff if she stopped paying him for it. My sister-in-law's 2nd car her mom and step-dad largely fronted the purchase price and it was decided they would be the registered owners and hold the title to the car but she was paying them back and she owed them insurance on it. She stopped paying after a while. They warned her what would happen if she kept not paying (they had 3 cars on their own they were paying for too). She didn't listen and they took her car and traded it in along with one of their cars to get a different car. I think that was harsh but at least they gave her the opportunity to pay.

 

[MrsPete]

My favorite: I had an awful kid in class a couple years ago who informed me, "You can't tell me what to do. I'm 18 now."

My answer: "I'm 40, and this is my classroom. Yeah, I can."

A few weeks ago I heard that kid died of an overdose. He never did learn boundaries.

 

[AndreaDM]

I just looked at the handbook online, it makes no mention of age, just says "signed by a parent", etc. I know when I turned 18 I was able to write my own excuses as well. The 3 AM incidence was on a weekend, I would take her keys for a while if it happened during the week.

@Pink Partridge she IS the youngest and up until now, the easiest by far of the 3 of them (all girls). I can't say I'll miss that teen girl drama!

 

[mjkacmom]

DD20 did a bit of that. Turned off her location so I couldn’t see where she was when she went off to college, not telling me where she was going and when she was coming back, not wanting to discuss medical appointments (until she needed $ or insurance info) and more stuff like that. I tried to ride it out without being too heavy handed when I really wanted to say “my car, my insurance, my rules” and “fine, figure out the insurance yourself and make your own appointments”, but after she was away at school for a while she settled down. She went on a spring break service trip her freshman year to Mexico and Guatemala and I asked her to turn on her location so that I could just see where in this big world she was at any given moment and she did. And she never turned it back off even though she’s aware that she hasn’t. And she was really good about respecting our house rules about COVID when she was sent home from school last year—asking permission to do things/see people. Sometimes I think they just need a little distance and space to figure things out.

Now it’s DD17. Still has 7 months before she’s 18, but she’s already asserting her independence and not always in ways I find acceptable. This too shall pass.

My kids start making their appointments in high school, dd18 made one for herself and twin for next week (its great I don‘t need to go). Ds22 has a prescription he needs to call and have refilled monthly, has been doing it for years. I stop tracking when they leave for college, I don’t want to know. Now, if they are going on a trip, I’d like to know (longer than a weekend).

 

[Tigerlulu]

Oh my princess met a boy a month before her 18th birthday. That boy told her once she turned 18 she didn’t have to listen to us anymore and if we didn’t like it she could just come live with him.
So she did. At midnight on her 18th birthday. Halfway through her senior year.
It was hell.

 

[mumto3girls]

I don't get this. What did you want her to discuss with you? Her private medical information?

Yes, in a general “how are things going kind of way”. This particular kid had some ongoing medical issues that before she was 18 were something I dealt with in great detail. For her to suddenly not want to tell me how things were going just because she turned 18 was just a power trip. Fortunately it was short lived for her.

 

[Pink Partridge]

@Pink Partridge she IS the youngest and up until now, the easiest by far of the 3 of them (all girls). I can't say I'll miss that teen girl drama!

I promise, it gets so much better.

Senior year of college, it all turns around. You will be the hero. They will need your advice and support and phone calls. It's just how it goes.

When they get their own place and a full time job, they strangely need you more than ever. And it feels good.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Oh my princess met a boy a month before her 18th birthday. That boy told her once she turned 18 she didn’t have to listen to us anymore and if we didn’t like it she could just come live with him.
So she did. At midnight on her 18th birthday. Halfway through her senior year.
It was hell.

That is heartbreaking. I bet you felt helpless.

How old is she now? Did she move back?

 

[Tigerlulu]

That is heartbreaking. I bet you felt helpless.

How old is she now? Did she move back?

It was so hard.
She gave up 3 full ride scholarships and barely passed her last semester of high school. She went to school high. A fast and hard downward spiral that ended tragically when he passed away a few months later. She moved back home for awhile but still hasn’t gone to college. It’s really thrown her off track, but she is doing so much better now. She doesn’t live at home—we don’t allow her to if she isn’t doing anything to work on her future—but has some roommates and a couple jobs and is learning what hard work is like. It’s been a couple years now. That was a year I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Oh my princess met a boy a month before her 18th birthday. That boy told her once she turned 18 she didn’t have to listen to us anymore and if we didn’t like it she could just come live with him.
So she did. At midnight on her 18th birthday. Halfway through her senior year.
It was hell.

My daughter tried that too. Skip to 4:07

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, in a general “how are things going kind of way”. This particular kid had some ongoing medical issues that before she was 18 were something I dealt with in great detail. For her to suddenly not want to tell me how things were going just because she turned 18 was just a power trip. Fortunately it was short lived for her.

I mean legally you have no right to the information once she turned 18 unless she authorizes it. That's how the laws work regardless of who is paying or who holds the insurance information. Maybe it was a power trip but she may have also felt like "hey it's now my private information" instead of the information having to be shared with you because she was a minor. Just because someone sees it that way doesn't mean they are pulling a power trip. I think it's natural to want to keep medical stuff private and her turning 18 meant the law was on her side. It's possible her ongoing medical issues and prior interactions with that also played a role. Glad it was short lived and she felt comfortable again discussing her medical stuff with you

 

[Tigerlulu]

My daughter tried that too. Skip to 4:07

That was great!

 

[barkley]

I don't get this. What did you want her to discuss with you? Her private medical information?

in our case it was b/c we had a her on our insurance at the time which was a complicated ppo that required only preferred providers be used or it triggered insane co-pays (more like no-pays on their part). if she went to the doctor and got referred for lab work or a specialist they would immediately say 'use x' b/c that was their default referral while i knew to say 'no, i need to be referred to z' or 'for that kind of test i need to check who my authorized providers are', then research it out and contact the receiving lab/provider to find out what they needed from my insurance to communicate with my sending doctor'.

when mine was 18 she was in high school, left at 7 a.m. not to return until 4:30 p.m.-not much time to spend doing this research/making these calls. in college between classes and work it was about the same schedule. since we paid for her insurance and her medical expenses she needed to at minimum confer that she had an appointment and if it entailed going to anyone outside that individual provider.

 

[cabanafrau]

My favorite: I had an awful kid in class a couple years ago who informed me, "You can't tell me what to do. I'm 18 now."

My answer: "I'm 40, and this is my classroom. Yeah, I can."

A few weeks ago I heard that kid died of an overdose. He never did learn boundaries.

I don't understand how or why that would be a "favorite" anecdote?

 

[mumto3girls]

I mean legally you have no right to the information once she turned 18 unless she authorizes it. That's how the laws work regardless of who is paying or who holds the insurance information. Maybe it was a power trip but she may have also felt like "hey it's now my private information" instead of the information having to be shared with you because she was a minor. Just because someone sees it that way doesn't mean they are pulling a power trip. I think it's natural to want to keep medical stuff private and her turning 18 meant the law was on her side. It's possible her ongoing medical issues and prior interactions with that also played a role. Glad it was short lived and she felt comfortable again discussing her medical stuff with you

Yep. No question that legally she didn’t have to share that information. But to me, as her mother, not asking how she was doing would have been uncaring. YMMV

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

in our case it was b/c we had a her on our insurance at the time which was a complicated ppo that required only preferred providers be used or it triggered insane co-pays (more like no-pays on their part). if she went to the doctor and got referred for lab work or a specialist they would immediately say 'use x' b/c that was their default referral while i knew to say 'no, i need to be referred to z' or 'for that kind of test i need to check who my authorized providers are', then research it out and contact the receiving lab/provider to find out what they needed from my insurance to communicate with my sending doctor'.

when mine was 18 she was in high school, left at 7 a.m. not to return until 4:30 p.m.-not much time to spend doing this research/making these calls. in college between classes and work it was about the same schedule. since we paid for her insurance and her medical expenses she needed to at minimum confer that she had an appointment and if it entailed going to anyone outside that individual provider.

Yeah and I could understand that but that is different than the PP. You were just there as the advice because you've been there done that. You weren't asking for access to her medical information.