A family conundrum. What would you do? Perhaps a vent.

[jo-jo]

At this point, she couldn't afford to fly home early, so she is stuck. If the room is paid for and they have groceries, make do. Sorry your son doesn't have a great vacation, but it would be throwing more good money after bad.

But yes, as soon as they get home, run away from her. In some ways, it's good your sons budget is so tight, he doesnt have money to give and be sure to hammer home, no cosigning for nothing. No paying for her bills on his CC.

 

[persnickity]

Is it that black and white?

Yeah, it's not. She managed to get a master's degree, that takes some intelligence and effort, some problem solving skills. Obviously there is much we don't know about her, but I've noticed a real tendency here to assume the worst of people. She doesn't have to be a villain, she might just be in over her head.

 

[Southernmiss]

Your son is experiencing a lot of life lessons at once, whether he realizes it right now or not.

As long as he is safe, I would do nothing else, Op. Listen. Give limited advice. But let him figure out what's next. You've given him more than I would have at this point.

I see immaturity on both their parts.

I've got my own 24 year old who has had a year of bone head decisions. But ultimately it's all up to him.

I made myself sick last year trying to figure things out for him. I've finally surrendered that it's his decisions to make and all I can do is say 'Um hum, oh really.' And pray.

 

[mjkacmom]

There are 25 yo who have worked since they were 15, saved up for their first car, paid some or all toward local state university and, at 25, have a job, a spouse, maybe children, and bought a home and have money in the bank.

Then, there are 25yo who relied on daddy to pay for everything - clothes, cars, vacations, never worked, went to a party university, earned a low-paying degree and are shocked that daddy isn't going to continue paying.

When someone shows you who they are....believe them.

A local state university here is $60,000, if you live for free at home (a starter home is $500,000+). I would not be happy if my 25 year old son was married with kids (he wouldn’t either, he’s always had girlfriends but says nothing permanent before 30). His rent is only $1000 because he has 4 roommates, he will be making 6 figures in a couple of years. I think it’s awesome if those in their 20’s can live somewhere exciting, my 22 year old is in boston, my 26 year old is moving 1/2 mile from the beach in an experiment tiny one bedroom, if not now, when? If the OP’s son is living in London, he has more disposable income than most 25 year olds married with kids.

 

[kymom99]

Just to get a better picture, how many significant others has your son had? I ask this because my 23 year old had had none. So if he met someone who said she loved him and wanted him to go on a grand adventure, I’m not sure he would have the experience to know to pump the brakes.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Since he asked..I would've told him to book her a non refundable ticket back home and enjoy what's left of his vacation. Also that he's fortunate to escape relatively unscathed this early in the relationship.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Some folks have complained people here only see the negative in people.

Op, I only call out cons when I see them. I've called out 3 total on Disboards over the last 24 months - 1 self-admitted and 2 disappeared. So, I don't just think the worst of folks willy nilly. But when I think a poster or the board is getting played, I don't want them to suffer the financial and emotional consequences of the con.

So ask yourself about your son's girlfriend - who does this in real life? Read through every step of your 1st post and ask if anything about the girlfriend is genuine. And give advice to your son accordingly (and protect any financial info and assets you may have unknowingly leaked to her through your son, and make sure your son also protects his).

 

[barkley]

(and protect any financial info and assets you may have unknowingly leaked to her through your son, and make sure your son also protects his)

this was my thought too-esp. since staying together for so many days would give her unsupervised time to access information in his wallet-and his phone (i'm not savvy to this kind of stuff but i know if you transfer money, airline miles, points and such it leaves an electronic trail on the sender and receiver's part that someone who IS savvy can use to access banking and credit credit card information, passwords...). better safe than sorry.

 

[VandVsmama]

My thoughts on this situation...

If this were MY kid and he had come to me asking for advice, what I'd probably say is something like this:

1. You've been an adult for 7 years now and at the end of the day, it's entirely YOUR choice/decision on what to do.
2. BUT...since you've asked for my advice, I will advise you as if you were 1 of my close friends coming to me with this same situation. And this is what I'd tell a friend of mine:
3. RUN, do not walk, away from this relationship.
4. She is a train wreck.
5. Make sure you're doubling up on birth control.
6. Don't believe a word of what she says because she's pretty much untrustworthy.
7. And at the minimum, is a financial train wreck. Just think about what a mess your life would be like if you had a CHILD with somebody like that.
8. She's an idiot if she thinks that she's just automatically going to be able to get a bank loan while bar tending. Especially if she can't even earn enough NOW to make her rent.
9. Somebody who can't even pay the rent shouldn't be promising their boyfriend vacations in Greece.
10. Whatever you do, don't ever move in with her.
11. Don't give her any more money either.
12. Let her fly on her own back to London. You go ahead and finish the trip yourself. Have fun. Kiss a pretty girl. And kiss that former relationship good bye.

 

[Skywalker]

Well, I don't think she is necessarily a con artist, but definitely has lots going on. In her favour is the fact that she is intelligent enough to get her masters, has paid him back the 400 Pounds he lent her, and the fact that she wants to call the trip short and go home. If she was a con I could see her not paying the money back and encouraging the trip on your son's dime, plus she wants to face the music back home. Also in favour is the fact that your son says the relationship is all good. I'm assuming she is a nice person and is good to him overall?

She strikes me more as a well-meaning person who is just kind of sucking at life right now.

Having said that, I would not want my my son attaching himself at this very important stage, to someone who is sucking at life right now! Because that could have lifelong consequences.

Hopefully he can see that as awesome as she may be in many ways, she is an anchor that will sink him if he's not careful. Move along, dude.

 

[Colleen27]

There is so much truth and wisdom in everything people have written. I am so grateful to you all for responding. By discussing it here, it has really made me see the different perspectives. I thought that I was being kind, but maybe, if I had not offered the credit card points she would have told my son that she couldn’t actually afford the holiday. She told my son that she loved him within weeks of meeting him and maybe the gift of the holiday was a way of somehow cementing the relationship. I am still not quite sure I understand why she now won’t allow my son to pay for everything during the trip, and although it isn’t my business, I am grateful for the opportunity to voice my concerns here. Kids huh, who says it gets easier.

That just screams immaturity to me. It is like something a high schooler would do - both the rushing into declarations of love and the making plans for several months out as some sort of safeguard against a breakup. DD14 is absolutely surrounded by that nonsense right now; she has two friends who want to end relationships but won't because they've already made prom plans with their current boy/girlfriend. I'd like to think that most young people have moved past it by the time they're degreed professionals with apartments and jobs, but I'm not sure they all do because my bonus son just extricated himself from a difficult relationship with a girl who acted very much like she was still stuck in high school (at 22).

 

[Sanchez]

Yeah, it's not. She managed to get a master's degree, that takes some intelligence and effort, some problem solving skills. Obviously there is much we don't know about her, but I've noticed a real tendency here to assume the worst of people. She doesn't have to be a villain, she might just be in over her head.

I think people just love conspiracy theories. Of course, if we were talking about a man the hysteria would be overwhelming. Someone would have suggested police involvement.

 

[lpereira]

At 25 your child is legally an adult but we all know 25 year olds are idiots.
You have to find the fine line between letting him learn his own lessons and ruining his life.
So tell him you love him and will respect any decision he makes BUT continued contact with this woman could end up chaining him to her and her train wreck of a life for 18 or more years. Then point out there is a reason her parents cut her off.
After that change the subject. He will either turn the stove off or grab the burner. Nothing you can do about it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Some folks have complained people here only see the negative in people.

I think it was just because of all the added stuff people interject in general. I don't know how some people interact with the public if they truly believe all the things they come up with when they hear/see limited details about a stranger.

Lot of times we're just good and bad mixed together, sometimes making poor choices sometimes really good ones. But generally the amount of people who are truly horrible is less than one would have you believe considering how many immediately go to the far out there stuff that gets tossed around at times here.

 

[barkley]

I think people just love conspiracy theories. Of course, if we were talking about a man the hysteria would be overwhelming. Someone would have suggested police involvement.

But generally the amount of people who are truly horrible is less than one would have you believe considering how many immediately go to the far out there stuff that gets tossed around at times here.

or it could be that some of us have extensive personal knowledge and experiences that we are much more likely to share on an anonymous internet board vs. what we or any average individual would be willing to share should the same topic come up in a general group conversation.

in my case, professional experience aside (encountered a lot of attempted financial entrapment via pregnancy b/c of a celebrity laden tremendously wealthy area within the same county i served that also contained one of the most poverty stricken in the u.s.)-i graduated high school with far too many guys from families that appeared even slightly better off enough that many of my female school bus mates did NOT graduate b/c they had dropped out mid senior year due to 'oops pregnancies' which were entirely planned on their part as they openly drunkenly shared, post divorce/post child support and alimony settlement at our class reunions. i went to college with a wealth of women who were seeking their 'mrs' degree or more simply stated their 'meal tickets'-the number of young men who found themselves married by their sophomore year due to 'surprise pregnancies' that resulted in almost immediately post marriage 'miscarriages' was horrific.

i have a disabled adult son and one of my greatest fears for him is a predatory female who knowing he has a consistent guaranteed income source takes advantage of him-i observed it happen scores of times during my years in social services.

no conspiracy theory.

 

[Lilsia]

It seems as if the young lady got in over her head financially. I am sure that she was still expecting her parents to help support her and now she is dealing with the reality of being broke. I do find the whole booking of the flights without talking to him to be odd. Those are the types of things that should be discussed ahead of time.
It is tough parenting young adults because we don't want them to struggle but they need to find their way. I am not sure that I would have done what you did, with giving them the hotel rooms. Maybe if they had to book and pay for those themselves, they would have figured it out before they even went that they could not afford it. I hope that your son will be able to enjoy the rest of his trip regardless of what his girl friend decides to do. It seems that she needs to focus on getting her life sorted out.

 

[Jangles]

I have met the young lady twice. My son came home (well to his sister’s house) for Christmas and within a day of him arriving gf asked if she could join him for a couple of days before Christmas and then she and her friend joined my son and I for drinks and nibbles the last time I was in London. I don’t think that she is a con artist. I think she is insecure and that’s the reason for the swift declaration of love, booking of flights and even the ‘meet the family’ visit before Christmas.
I think that she has had a different upbringing. She seems not to like her parents. Parents seem to live off grid and the whole family embraces a strict raw vegan diet with no oils. She has followed this diet since birth.
She read law and her Masters is in Energy law, but although she chose corporate type modules as her options, she doesn’t want to work for a corporation/big energy firm and in this country she can’t practise law as a solicitor or barrister because she hasn’t done and doesn’t want or intend to do the professional courses.
She is very direct and holds her own in a conversation, but is quite, I don’t know whether abrasive is the correct word, maybe inflexible and staunch in her opinions.
I like her because she is intellectually equal to my son and challenges him. She is interesting and interested in politics, world affairs etc. Oddly she is very anti Welsh (interesting statement to make to a Welsh family), although her English parents live off grid in Wales. She is a bit of a contradiction and I wonder whether she just hasn’t discovered herself yet.
I wonder whether being brought up off grid means that she has no experience of financial matters, budgeting etc., and I can’t imagine how she must feel living in London in debt picking up zero hours contract work.
In hindsight there were some red flags. My son had mentioned that she didn’t want to do any research about Kos in the weeks before they left, look at restaurants or things to do. Her reasoning was that she thought it was wrong to look forward to the holiday as she wants every day of their relationship to be special, but maybe she wanted to back out because she was broke but wasn’t brave enough to tell him. Of course I then compounded that by giving my son the credit card points to use for the hotel booking.
In all honesty, she is one of those people who will probably turn into a very responsible adult in her 30s but needs to do a lot of maturing before then. Or she will drift though life attaching herself to partners. Maybe something in between.
Anyway, I have really appreciated everyone’s input. I haven’t heard from my son since the telephone call, but I will update when I do.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

or it could be that some of us have extensive personal knowledge and experiences that we are much more likely to share on an anonymous internet board vs. what we or any average individual would be willing to share should the same topic come up in a general group conversation.

in my case, professional experience aside (encountered a lot of attempted financial entrapment via pregnancy b/c of a celebrity laden tremendously wealthy area within the same county i served that also contained one of the most poverty stricken in the u.s.)-i graduated high school with far too many guys from families that appeared even slightly better off enough that many of my female school bus mates did NOT graduate b/c they had dropped out mid senior year due to 'oops pregnancies' which were entirely planned on their part as they openly drunkenly shared, post divorce/post child support and alimony settlement at our class reunions. i went to college with a wealth of women who were seeking their 'mrs' degree or more simply stated their 'meal tickets'-the number of young men who found themselves married by their sophomore year due to 'surprise pregnancies' that resulted in almost immediately post marriage 'miscarriages' was horrific.

i have a disabled adult son and one of my greatest fears for him is a predatory female who knowing he has a consistent guaranteed income source takes advantage of him-i observed it happen scores of times during my years in social services.

no conspiracy theory.

Like anything sometimes it's just projecting (which we can all be guilty of). Don't assume a non-agreement on the presupposed vileness of this gf means others don't have their own experience. I'd assume the opposite really. Sometimes exposure to the bad makes you discerning to other situations. I did mean what I said, I really don't know how some interact with the public with the thoughts they come up with on limited details of about a stranger..stranger being the key word.

 

[mousefan73]

I personally would be upset if I sacrificed hotel points for my son, and he decides to leave early and basically those points are wasted. That is your business. You need to tell your son that in no way is he’s selfish if he decides to stay. I assume he’s also sacrificing well earned vacation days. She needs to get back to London and figure out her own stuff. As a mother, I pray for you that the two of them don’t get the crazy idea that she moves in with him and freeloads off him more.

In defense of the girlfriend, though, we shouldn’t paint a picture of her being a horrible person because of her financial situation. Especially a young person living in London. Sometimes the costs are so overwhelming. It’s very easy to fall behind. I find more critical the mental game she’s playing by accusing your son of being selfish. and if the parents cut her off, maybe there’s more to the story.

 

[mousefan73]

In all honesty, she is one of those people who will probably turn into a very responsible adult in her 30s but needs to do a lot of maturing before then. Or she will drift though life attaching herself to partners. Maybe something in between.

honestly, I wouldn’t put money on this. Maybe if she were 20 but she’s already 25 and studying law, but not studying it in the way that she could actually earn a living. I wouldn’t expect an improvement.