A family conundrum. What would you do? Perhaps a vent.

[Jangles]

Good for your son. The easier thing would have been just to fly home also. This will give him some time to think about what he wants out of the relationship and if it is worth it. Nothing wrong with traveling solo either. I do it all the time. Hoping to go to London in the next couple of years.

And the obligatory free raki.

 

[mousefan73]

The gf has left the building, well flown back to the U.K. at least. Son loaned her the money for a taxi to the airport and the flight. He is a little flat, but about to go out and find some squid and souvlaki and a cold beer.

I hope he finds a nice Greek girl too. Tell him to enjoy the warmer weather. I’m also in the continental Europe here in Germany where the weather has been iffy. The sun is at least out, but .still 5° so at least tell your son to enjoy the warm weather.

I just can’t believe this woman would travel somewhere without having enough funds especially for an emergency. Imagine if your son was not a good guy and totally just left her there. How would she have gotten a ride to the airport?

 

[BayouQueen]

Like anything sometimes it's just projecting (which we can all be guilty of). Don't assume a non-agreement on the presupposed vileness of this gf means others don't have their own experience. I'd assume the opposite really. Sometimes exposure to the bad makes you discerning to other situations. I did mean what I said, I really don't know how some interact with the public with the thoughts they come up with on limited details of about a stranger..stranger being the key word.

Lots of people here have used the term "red flags." It can save a lot of unhappiness if people do watch for the red flags. Simple actions often reveal a lot.
That said, who knows what this girl's motivation is. Maybe she just decided that she wasn't into the romance and wanted to go home -- and handled it very clumsily. Whatever the case, I'm glad the young man is enjoying the rest of his vacation. The rest will probably fall into place.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Lots of people here have used the term "red flags." It can save a lot of unhappiness if people do watch for the red flags. Simple actions often reveal a lot.
That said, who knows what this girl's motivation is. Maybe she just decided that she wasn't into the romance and wanted to go home -- and handled it very clumsily. Whatever the case, I'm glad the young man is enjoying the rest of his vacation. The rest will probably fall into place.

True about red flags but that's about seeing warning behaviors or actions.

In this thread we've got she's scheming for a pregnancy, a con woman, looking to fleece him, beware of leaving out financial information,etc. In the general conversation it's about going straight to seeing the worst when there's not much intimate knowledge to be able to say that. If you're always doing that IRL it must be exhausting and stressful assuming the worst out of stories people tell you of people you've never met or barely have.

 

[BayouQueen]

True about red flags but that's about seeing warning behaviors or actions.

In this thread we've got she's scheming for a pregnancy, a con woman, looking to fleece him, beware of leaving out financial information,etc. In the general conversation it's about going straight to seeing the worst when there's not much intimate knowledge to be able to say that. If you're always doing that IRL it must be exhausting and stressful assuming the worst out of stories people tell you of people you've never met or barely have.

Ha ha! Some maybe have extrapolated out a bit too far.

Agatha Christie could give you the full character of a person by one telling action. Not sure we've got that clear a picture of this gal, but enough to know I'd rather my boy take up with someone less...erratic.

 

[mousefan73]

OP. Please keep us updated what happens when both are back in London!! I’m nosy

 

[Colleen27]

honestly, I wouldn’t put money on this. Maybe if she were 20 but she’s already 25 and studying law, but not studying it in the way that she could actually earn a living. I wouldn’t expect an improvement.

Have you ever known someone who was raised in an extremely different lifestyle who decided to join the "normal" world? With the added information the OP shared about the girl's background, it all tracks pretty well with some of the experiences I and my daughter have had with kids from certain unusual sorts of upbringings. They can be sort of "behind" on certain facets of life simply because when you grow up off-grid, budgeting for heat and electricity aren't skills you see modeled, when you raise your own food you don't have any experience with grocery lists or budgets or simple substitutions, when you're homeschooled with a very narrow/homogenous social world (which I know isn't the case for all/most homeschoolers) there's little opportunity to learn how to deal with conflicting opinions tactfully, etc. So the first years living away from home come with a very steep learning curve on many different fronts.

I think most of us here, being fairly typical, stable, middle class (or above) families, can take for granted how many soft skills and habits kids pick up just by virtue of being raised with them modeled as ordinary facts of life, and that can make us a little harsh in our views of those who are thrown into adulthood mostly unprepared. Most of our kids are going to have a much better handle on things at 25, but that's still plenty young enough for someone who started out behind the curve to be learning and growing on the way to a solid outcome.

 

[Jangles]

OP. Please keep us updated what happens when both are back in London!! I’m nosy

Last night I received photographs of finished plates, because he forgot to take photographs. Sea bass and octopus croquettes. And a random free pudding with a ‘what is this???!!!’ caption. I didn’t tell him that it was semolina until this afternoon.
He telephoned today to tell me that his friends are advising him to end the relationship, and I think that’s the way he is leaning.

 

[Magical2017]

My son is 25. In November he started going out with a woman of a similar age and for his birthday in December she gifted him a 9 day holiday in Kos, (Greek Island) and some experiences …paragliding, wine tasting and a boat trip. To me it seemed too much too soon but I said nothing. Then it turned out that all she had actually purchased were two cheap budget airline flights, which cost her about £80 in total. Still generous but not exactly the gift as described to him. My son lives and works in London and about half his salary goes on rent, utilities, travel to work etc., and although I help him out occasionally (for example buying lunch or dinner when I visit London, or treating him to some clothes and slipping him the odd £50), he largely stands on his own two feet and has to be careful with what is left of his salary. His gf also rents in London and has just finished a Masters degree and relies on her parents and works in bars etc., to finance herself. When I discovered that the gf had not booked an hotel, I gave my son some credit card points I had which paid for their hotel for 7 days. I had enough for all 9 days but his gf wanted them to book an Airbnb for the other two nights when they got to Kos. I also gave him about Euros 200, left over from a trip I had recently taken to Europe. My son saved a bit every month for the trip, eventually putting £400 aside. Then last month he told me that his gf had borrowed £400 from him as she was behind on her rent and her parents wouldn’t help her out any more. When she was paid at the end of March, she paid him back. I asked him how she was going to be able to pay him back, pay her rent etc., and have spending money for the holiday, but he didn’t know (and it wasn’t any of my business). Anyway, they flew to Kos on Sunday night. Today (Wednesday) he telephoned for advice. His gf announced yesterday that she has no money at all to spend during the holiday, but was refusing to allow him to pay for meals out, trips etc and thought that they should fly home, even though that meant buying new return flights and wasting the prepaid hotel room. It turns out that she hasn’t booked any experiences, or has booked them but not paid for them. The hotel is nice, not grand, but nice enough, on the beach in Kos town, and the room has a sea view and balcony, with a table and chairs and a kitchenette and so far they have been catering for themselves, rather than eating out. My son has been buying groceries, but he wants to enjoy the holiday, visit some sites, go for drinks, eat at some local tavernas etc. I suggested that he should offer to finance the rest of the trip and that I would help him out. He said that he thinks he has enough money, so doesn’t need any money from me. The Airbnb they found for the last two nights is only Euros 60 and she is vegan and only eats raw foods, so hardly an expensive date. I also offered to lend him some money to lend to the gf but made it clear to my son that I would view it as his indebtedness to me not hers. When he made both offers to the gf she accused him of being selfish for wanting to continue with the holiday. What? She wants to fly home and organise a bank loan to pay her debts. She flat shares with a couple of other girls and apparently she has fallen behind with her rent , WiFi has been cut off and gas and electric are threatening to cut them off. I suggested to my son that if she wants to return to London he should stay and enjoy the rest of the holiday alone. He had a gap year backpacking in South America, and he is very sociable, so I am sure that he will still have fun. Does her behaviour strike you as odd? Isn’t she being the selfish one? He assures me that the relationship is in a good place. I do feel sorry for her because I am sure it is horrible worrying about debts, but why did she not tell my son of her situation before they left? Or am I missing something and looking at this the wrong way?

First, you sound like a great parent! Second, as difficult as it sounds, I would give very brief advice and back slowly away from this situation. Your son made a genuinely kind and reasonable offer and was met with an unexpected response. Stay or leave, this is a learning experience for him. (I would suggest staying and enjoying himself but we know the gf will be upset, so it sounds like a lose-lose situation for him).

 

[Jangles]

First, you sound like a great parent! Second, as difficult as it sounds, I would give very brief advice and back slowly away from this situation. Your son made a genuinely kind and reasonable offer and was met with an unexpected response. Stay or leave, this is a learning experience for him. (I would suggest staying and enjoying himself but we know the gf will be upset, so it sounds like a lose-lose situation for him).

She left the day after my opening post, and he stayed and is making the most of the holiday on his own. The weather isn’t great, but he is exploring and finding nice bakeries and restaurants. His scheduled flight home is tomorrow. His friends seem to be good sounding boards.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Since his friends are giving him advice (that sounds reasonable), this is a good time for you to keep quiet. Maybe listen to him sagely, and ask questions like, "why do you think your friends are saying that? " or, "Steve tends to notice little details that others miss". You know--be interested, but don't come across as meddling. A 25yo will take advice better from friends--even if the advice is the same.

 

[Magical2017]

She left the day after my opening post, and he stayed and is making the most of the holiday on his own. The weather isn’t great, but he is exploring and finding nice bakeries and restaurants. His scheduled flight home is tomorrow. His friends seem to be good sounding boards.

I am glad he stayed! I did go back and read some of the posts after I had posted.

 

[pindecisive]

I am glad he stayed! I did go back and read some of the posts after I had posted.

Me too! I'm going to include my og response, but overall I think he made the right decision to stay and I hope he had a fantastic time!

My son is 25. In November he started going out with a woman of a similar age and for his birthday in December she gifted him a 9 day holiday in Kos, (Greek Island) and some experiences …paragliding, wine tasting and a boat trip. To me it seemed too much too soon but I said nothing. Then it turned out that all she had actually purchased were two cheap budget airline flights, which cost her about £80 in total. Still generous but not exactly the gift as described to him. My son lives and works in London and about half his salary goes on rent, utilities, travel to work etc., and although I help him out occasionally (for example buying lunch or dinner when I visit London, or treating him to some clothes and slipping him the odd £50), he largely stands on his own two feet and has to be careful with what is left of his salary. His gf also rents in London and has just finished a Masters degree and relies on her parents and works in bars etc., to finance herself. When I discovered that the gf had not booked an hotel, I gave my son some credit card points I had which paid for their hotel for 7 days. I had enough for all 9 days but his gf wanted them to book an Airbnb for the other two nights when they got to Kos. I also gave him about Euros 200, left over from a trip I had recently taken to Europe. My son saved a bit every month for the trip, eventually putting £400 aside. Then last month he told me that his gf had borrowed £400 from him as she was behind on her rent and her parents wouldn’t help her out any more. When she was paid at the end of March, she paid him back. I asked him how she was going to be able to pay him back, pay her rent etc., and have spending money for the holiday, but he didn’t know (and it wasn’t any of my business). Anyway, they flew to Kos on Sunday night. Today (Wednesday) he telephoned for advice. His gf announced yesterday that she has no money at all to spend during the holiday, but was refusing to allow him to pay for meals out, trips etc and thought that they should fly home, even though that meant buying new return flights and wasting the prepaid hotel room. It turns out that she hasn’t booked any experiences, or has booked them but not paid for them. The hotel is nice, not grand, but nice enough, on the beach in Kos town, and the room has a sea view and balcony, with a table and chairs and a kitchenette and so far they have been catering for themselves, rather than eating out. My son has been buying groceries, but he wants to enjoy the holiday, visit some sites, go for drinks, eat at some local tavernas etc. I suggested that he should offer to finance the rest of the trip and that I would help him out. He said that he thinks he has enough money, so doesn’t need any money from me. The Airbnb they found for the last two nights is only Euros 60 and she is vegan and only eats raw foods, so hardly an expensive date. I also offered to lend him some money to lend to the gf but made it clear to my son that I would view it as his indebtedness to me not hers. When he made both offers to the gf she accused him of being selfish for wanting to continue with the holiday. What? She wants to fly home and organise a bank loan to pay her debts. She flat shares with a couple of other girls and apparently she has fallen behind with her rent , WiFi has been cut off and gas and electric are threatening to cut them off. I suggested to my son that if she wants to return to London he should stay and enjoy the rest of the holiday alone. He had a gap year backpacking in South America, and he is very sociable, so I am sure that he will still have fun. Does her behaviour strike you as odd? Isn’t she being the selfish one? He assures me that the relationship is in a good place. I do feel sorry for her because I am sure it is horrible worrying about debts, but why did she not tell my son of her situation before they left? Or am I missing something and looking at this the wrong way?

At 25 I had two jobs, went to school full time, and had lost like 25 pounds because rent and utilities came before food, always.

Lying to your partner is a big deal, and the fact that she traveled with no awareness of how much she had to spend, or what she would be doing during the trip says a lot about her. My guess is that she was gifted those tickets and didn't actually buy them, then got trapped after the hotel was booked, and either expected to get money from her parents or another source, which never appeared. It tells me she isn't an active participant in her life and doesn't value truthful transparent communication. Overall I'd caution him against letting her "stay over" or "move in" after she gets kicked out of her house.

 

[LuvOrlando]

How did the trip finish OP?

 

[bookgirl]

My son is 25. In November he started going out with a woman of a similar age and for his birthday in December she gifted him a 9 day holiday in Kos, (Greek Island) and some experiences …paragliding, wine tasting and a boat trip. To me it seemed too much too soon but I said nothing. Then it turned out that all she had actually purchased were two cheap budget airline flights, which cost her about £80 in total. Still generous but not exactly the gift as described to him. My son lives and works in London and about half his salary goes on rent, utilities, travel to work etc., and although I help him out occasionally (for example buying lunch or dinner when I visit London, or treating him to some clothes and slipping him the odd £50), he largely stands on his own two feet and has to be careful with what is left of his salary. His gf also rents in London and has just finished a Masters degree and relies on her parents and works in bars etc., to finance herself. When I discovered that the gf had not booked an hotel, I gave my son some credit card points I had which paid for their hotel for 7 days. I had enough for all 9 days but his gf wanted them to book an Airbnb for the other two nights when they got to Kos. I also gave him about Euros 200, left over from a trip I had recently taken to Europe. My son saved a bit every month for the trip, eventually putting £400 aside. Then last month he told me that his gf had borrowed £400 from him as she was behind on her rent and her parents wouldn’t help her out any more. When she was paid at the end of March, she paid him back. I asked him how she was going to be able to pay him back, pay her rent etc., and have spending money for the holiday, but he didn’t know (and it wasn’t any of my business). Anyway, they flew to Kos on Sunday night. Today (Wednesday) he telephoned for advice. His gf announced yesterday that she has no money at all to spend during the holiday, but was refusing to allow him to pay for meals out, trips etc and thought that they should fly home, even though that meant buying new return flights and wasting the prepaid hotel room. It turns out that she hasn’t booked any experiences, or has booked them but not paid for them. The hotel is nice, not grand, but nice enough, on the beach in Kos town, and the room has a sea view and balcony, with a table and chairs and a kitchenette and so far they have been catering for themselves, rather than eating out. My son has been buying groceries, but he wants to enjoy the holiday, visit some sites, go for drinks, eat at some local tavernas etc. I suggested that he should offer to finance the rest of the trip and that I would help him out. He said that he thinks he has enough money, so doesn’t need any money from me. The Airbnb they found for the last two nights is only Euros 60 and she is vegan and only eats raw foods, so hardly an expensive date. I also offered to lend him some money to lend to the gf but made it clear to my son that I would view it as his indebtedness to me not hers. When he made both offers to the gf she accused him of being selfish for wanting to continue with the holiday. What? She wants to fly home and organise a bank loan to pay her debts. She flat shares with a couple of other girls and apparently she has fallen behind with her rent , WiFi has been cut off and gas and electric are threatening to cut them off. I suggested to my son that if she wants to return to London he should stay and enjoy the rest of the holiday alone. He had a gap year backpacking in South America, and he is very sociable, so I am sure that he will still have fun. Does her behaviour strike you as odd? Isn’t she being the selfish one? He assures me that the relationship is in a good place. I do feel sorry for her because I am sure it is horrible worrying about debts, but why did she not tell my son of her situation before they left? Or am I missing something and looking at this the wrong way?

His girlfriend sounds manic. Planned the trip on a high and now that they are there she’s on a low.

I don’t think mental illness is a reason to break up with someone but I think people who don’t work to maintain healthy mental health are not suitable for a relationship and your son should have a very serious talk with her to see if there is an issue.

 

[MimitoAlex]

What a train wreck...

My only advice is that you should tell your son to take a step back and really look at the relationship from all angles.

Without telling him to run from this girl...