Being selfish with points - do any other dvcers have this problem

[UrsulasShadow]

I agree with a previous poster...this sounds like something much bigger than a money problem.

After a long, difficult divorce, don't you think that you and your children need some healing time, away from other stressors? Some family therapy might be in order as well. I certainly wouldn't subject my children to such abuses and stresses, after all they had been through. Take YOUR vacation, take your girls, and leave the mess behind for a little while. Maybe you'll come back with clearer vision.

 

[NJOYURLIFE]

$17000 for a Disney trip. No way should you pay for his children to go. and that is not even taking consideration dealing with their behavior.

 

[Cinderella]

Thanks everyone for all your advice and support. I get to go with my two little ones, and he is coming along too. We have talked about improving his children's behaviour, and he says he finds it really tough because his ex wife is a rough kind of person and as she is the sole carer, she influences their behaviour a great deal. And, of course, when he sees them, he does not like to reprimand them for bad behaviour, because he feels guilty. There are a lot of issues here, and we are trying to resolve them. But, we have agreed that if the children's behaviour improves, they can come next trip.

 

[manning]

All I can say is I would RUN.

"they wreck your house, they swear" etc.... Do you really want this man raising your kids?????

OK everyone in Britain. would the proper response be "here, here" or "hear,hear"

Cinderella-- No one deserves the treatment you are getting. You get into his face and tell him if he respected you he WILL NOT ALLOW HIS KIDS TO TREAT YOU THAT WAY!!!

And if he won't do it he DOES NOT REPECT YOU.

And that spells L-O-S-E-R!!!!!

And the only way to deal with a loser is to ........lose him!!!!!!

And, of course, when he sees them, he does not like to reprimand them for bad behaviour, because he feels guilty.

Pass this on to him for me "For the sake of your children, get a backbone. It's the biggest gift you will give them!!"

 

[3DisneyKids]

So glad someone else said this...

***Putting on flame-resistant suit***

Feel free to flame away, but this entire situation is inappropriate in the extreme...and the vacation issues is the least of the problems.

First of all, your divorce isn't final yet, right? You shouldn't be in any kind of relationship yet. You need at least one year without any romantic relationship to heal yourself and your kids.

Secondly, you are living with a guy with young kids in the house? Not ok--and this isn't about sex outside of marriage, though that is something to consider as well...this is about kids and the influence both you and the people you bring into their lives have on them. Is this what you want for your dd's?

Thirdly, sounds like you are supporting this guy financially (or at least suppplementing him)? I don't think I even have to say why this is a disaster.

Finally, even though his ex is the primary care-giver for the kids, he has had a major influence in their lives and the kids are rottten. What does this say about him?

I am not heartless... I realize that you have been through something traumatic with the divorce and all, and the natural thing to do is to feel good about yourself again...and this can sometimes be done when someone new tells you that they love you, etc. makes you realize that you will find love again, etc.

BUT THIS IS NOT THE TIME. Even if this guy sounded great (which most of us agree, he does not), I would say the same thing...you and your kids need to heal ALONE for a good length of time without outside involvement, confusion, etc.

Take your kids and your kids only on the vacation. Not him. Not his kids. Not a family friend. Your kids need your undivided attention.

Best wishes.

For those who feel the need to flame me, I can take it...

 

[Cinderella]

Hi Manning - it's hear hear! You are very right. And I hope he has listened to what i have said tonight, because he is doing his children no good by letting them carry on the way they are. I have told him that his dd will not be employable if she continues to carry on the way she does.

Thank you all - i feel much less guilty about not taking them along with us now. And I have also put my foot down about paying for their vacations. It is fair to point out that he does pay treble the maintenance he is supposed to to is ex, because she point blank refuses to get a job. And I have pointed out to him that if he were not living with me, and had to find a place of his own, he might not be so generous towards her. I work all the hours god sends - so why can't she at least get a part-time job?

Thanks again for all the support. I have worked so hard these past few years and I really feel now that the little ones and I deserve a nice disney break. Thank you for listening - you are extremely kind.

 

[deide71]

Have a great vacation!!! Sounds like you and your children could use a good holiday.

 

[toesmom]

Remember this gentleman comes with baggage ie. his kids. This may be harsh, but if you can't really love his kids, and it creates a problem for your own, then why be in the relationship at all? I agree with another poster Lesley about it. Sorry sounds harsh, I know. If anyone referred to my kids the way you describe his, I would probably go the other way (even if you are right).

go to disney with your kids, it's not as if you are married to this man. When he marries you, then you are obligated to take all the kids.

Until then, your family consists of you and your girls. good luck

 

[Dean]

He realises that they behave badly but i'm not sure that his idea of acceptable behaviour is the same as mine. They are very mean to my youngest child. His older two are 13 and 11, so there's really not much excuse. This is not just a little rowdiness i am talking about - they actually even swear at him, and not just mildly, they even use the F word. We did take them to an amusement park here, and they complained all the time, and wouldn't try many of the rides. Before this i thought they may be ok in WDW, but now i'm almost certain they won't.

And this is the package your getting yourself into. This will likely not be straightened out as long as they are in the picture. I don't envy the choices you will have to make related to this relationship. Good luck, I hope it works out.

 

[rigsby25]

I am so glad you talked this over with him. It sounds as if he is a reasonable person. I came from divorced parents. I truly believe that the mother might be encouraging them to misbehave to give your relationship trouble. You seem to be weathering this magnificently! No one should ever have to make a choice between their children and their friend but it happens. It seems like you, your friend, and his kids are all going through a hard time. You are wonderful to put up with his kids, for his sake and for the kids sake. I can tell you first hand that his kids are going through torture. You seem to be such a very caring, loving and giving person. You are all being pulled in different directions! I believe your decision was right on. Go and have a great time! If there is such a thing as pixie dust, I'm sending you some!!!!

 

[Cinderella]

Thanks for your support and advice everyone. You are right Rigsby. The mother is saying some pretty awful things to influence them - too much to go into here on the DIS, but telling them he loves my kids more than he loves them - hurtful and untrue stuff like that. Really, he doesn't know what to do for the best - it's a tough one, and I'm thinking family counselling for him and his kids may be the way to go. As for the trip, I don't think they'll mind much - as it will be a trip for us that i wasn't expecting to do, and they will come along later. They are really nice kids and i don't feel as though they dislike me, or me them, but i just worry what the future will hold for them if they continue as they are.

 

[JodyTG]

I've been around kids like this. The only way that they will change is to go into counseling. Your friend needs to see a psychologist also to deal with his problems (of which I read many in your messages) beginning with the fact that he doesn't want to discipline them because he feels guilty, etc.

Personally, I wouldn't let those distructive kids anywhere near my kids or my home. If your friends doesn't go with you to WDW, he is going to be in YOUR home with HIS kids, and who knows what they'll destroy. If they are told by their mom that their dad likes your kids better than them, then I would hate to see the mess they would make to your kids' stuff while you're gone.

I know that their mother is probably using them to get back at their dad, but it's just not worth it, in my opinion, to get involved. I have to agree with the poster that said that you shouldn't even have a boyfriend when your divorce isn't even final yet. JMHO