Daily joke thread......

[AuburnJen92]

Why would the FBI be in Italy? Wouldn't that be the IBI?

well it couldn't be the mafia?

 

[AuburnJen92]

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head”.

Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin it here, cause it says

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

 

[auntie]

That reminds of a story my dad used to tell us when we were little. He owned an Esso (remember when Exxon was Esso?) gas station. He was a AAA station. Anyway, he's got this woman who can't start her car, and he's got a mechanic under the hood..doing this or that...and nothing, the car isn't starting. He keeps asking this woman (who is sitting IN the car)...Do you have gas in the car?..Several times he had asked her this. Finally his mechanic shrugs his shoulders...he can't figure out why the heck this vehicle won't start.
Ma'm...are you SURE you have gas in the car? my father asks her.

"For God's sake!", she replies...If I told you once, I've told you a hudred times...It says I have ENOUGH! ..it's on E"

 

[Rhonda]

What do you call a fish with legs?



A Tu-nee (Two-Knee) Fish!!

 

[Gatordad]

Why would the FBI be in Italy? Wouldn't that be the IBI?

FBI = Forever Bothering Italians.

 

[PanFanAL]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

 

[PanFanAL]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says hey buddy, why the long face!

 

[Rhonda]

Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

 

[2goofycampers]

The third guy ducked down so as not to hit his head on the bar.

 

[Rhonda]

The third guy ducked down so as not to hit his head on the bar.

OH!!!!

I think I've been staring at this screen too long today!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Even tho RvUsa.org (John) has a great daily joke thread on his site,,I'll contribute.


You Might be a Disney Dork if . . .


You have a bedroom totally done in Disney and it's not your kid's room.

You own more Disney clothes than non-Disney clothes.

You know how to make this . . . ºoº

You get a job at the Disney Store just to get the discount.

You set your alarm clock to get up in time to call when the dining line opens to book Cinderella's Royal Table on the 60th day out.

You tell the dining agent what she is supposed to tell you.

You call Disney employees Cast Members.

Cast members know you by name.

You have a reservation for Walt Disney World. All you could get was a campsite . . . you don't even own a camper.

You don't need to ask a Cast Member where the closest bathroom is.

Your friends ask you where the closest bathroom is.

Other guests ask you where the closest bathroom is.

Cast members ask you where the closest bathroom is.

You can get from Splash Mountain to Space Mountain in less than 10 minutes during the 3:00 parade on Easter Sunday without using the tunnels.

You call the tunnels "utilidors."

You miss Mission to Mars.

You remember "If You Had Wings" and can still sing the song.

You can name the seven dwarfs.

You can name the seven lands in The Magic Kingdom.

You can name the seven daughters of Triton.

You just went to a Disney trivia book to look up the answer to the last question and you knew which one to look in.

You know where more than 10 hidden Mickeys are.

You think Walt is frozen in a block of ice on the second floor of the castle.

You know he is.

You ever spent more than $250.00 on a piece of Disney merchandise that originally sold for $5.00.

You have all 101 Dalmatian Happy Meal toys from McDonalds.

You went across state lines to get them.

You can name the 11 countries around World Showcase, in order.

You have seen both IllumiNations and Fantasy in the Sky on the same night . . . from inside both parks.

You have never been to a Disneyana Convention, but you're saving up to go.

You have a favorite room at one of the Disney resorts.

You have a favorite room at ALL of the Disney resorts.

You think that staying on Hotel Plaza Boulevard isn't close enough to the parks.

You have waited for the next monorail so you could sit up front.

You don't ride the monorail unless you sit up front.

You can tell the difference between riding in one of the outside elevators and one of the inside elevators when riding Tower of Terror.

You can call out which direction the car is about to go when riding Space Mountain . . . from the back seat . . . with your eyes closed.

You can recite the Haunted Mansion speil.

You can recite the Jungle Cruise speil.

You can recite the Backstage Studio Tour speil.

You have ten or more Disney sites bookmarked.

You belt along to "Energy," "Laughing Place," and "O Canada" (to name a few) while blasting your Official Disney Attractions soundtracks tape in your car . . . with the windows down . . . with other people in the car.

You cry like a baby every time another Disney vacaton has come to an end.

You have a special Disney fund in the back for future trips.

You've said Walt is God . . . and meant it.

 

[tellnotails]

A priest, a blonde, and a Bald guy, are sitting at the bar......... .....I better not....



How about this one.........



Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months ater her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

 

[big kahuna1]

Remember the good ole days.

 

[big kahuna1]

What's at your end of the rainbow?

 

[big kahuna1]

a few more...no description needed:

 

[BigDaddyRog]

AAaaaggghhhhh Steve...those are awsome!!!

 

[AuburnJen92]

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?


A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

 

[big kahuna1]

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?


A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

That would be a "Double Wide" trailer.

 

[jugman]

Why did tigger stick his head in the toilet?












To find POOH.

 

[homebrew2]

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.


The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.


The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big ****s, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra….What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'


Most of us old timers are helpful like that!