Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

Drunk Santa answers questions,,

Santa, do all the reindeer really have their own names?
- Jack, age 7

Of course! They're all different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.
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Dear Santa, how can you build so many toys so quickly?
- Sue Ellen, age 7

Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese.
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Dear Santa Claus, One of the older girls at school says you're not real. Are you?
- Feliza, age 6

Either I am real or you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. Either way, go make yourself useful and fetch Santa a cold beer will ya?
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Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees?
- Tommy, age 10

Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!

Merry Christmas to all,,and if your 39 and still living in your parents home, get out and get a JOB ya bum !!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Merry Christmas !!!

famous Christmas quotes, I'm not gonna tell you who authored them.

This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket....so all the people I dont like can kiss my azz.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Dear Santa, I've been good all year. Ok most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind. I'll buy my own stuff.

I wanted to send you something AMAZING for Christmas but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox...

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first, your money or your feet.

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.

Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know... the birth of Santa

 

[Born 2 Fish]

"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." –Jay Leno


"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway." --Jay Leno

"Happy TGIF! Do you know what TGIF stands for? ... The Greencard Is Five Grand." --Jay Leno

"They're going to have to pay a $5,000 fine. Where are these people going to get five grand? I mean, what are the chances Wal-Mart's going to give them a raise?" --Jay Leno

"Immigration was a big issue. Earlier, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien

 

[Born 2 Fish]

... 'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got. . . . . .you'll be paying all year!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

I know where the elderly of the senior's go when they wanna live life a little slower,,,

THE FREEWAY !!!!!







(this is not a joke, I'm serious.)

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Happy New Year to the Friends of the Fort !!


RESOLUTION #1:

2006: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2007: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2008: I will read 5 books a year.
2009: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2010: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2011: I will read at least one article this year.
2012: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2006: I will get my weight down below 180.
2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 5 days a week.
2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2006: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2007: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2008: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2009: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2010: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2011: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2012: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

2009: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2010: I will not leave Marge.
2011: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2012: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2009: I will stop looking at other women.
2010: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2011: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2012: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2009: I will not let my boss push me around.
2010: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2011: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2012: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2009: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2010: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2011: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2012: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2009: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2010: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2011: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2012: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2009: I will see my dentist this year.
2010: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2011: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2012: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2009: I will go to church every Sunday.
2010: I will go to church as often as possible.
2011: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2012: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Happy New Year !!


The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
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When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.
I gave up thinking.
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A friend asked me for a cigarette.
I replied, “I thought you made a new year’s resolution to quit smoking?”
So he said, “I am in the process of quitting. Right now I am in the middle of phase 1.”
So I asked him,“What's phase 1?”
He said, “I've quit buying!”
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Dear Lord,

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I haven't even cheated on my wife. I haven't lied or conned anyone. I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed and go to work on this, the first day of the first month, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Oh, there's nothing wrong with us,,

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old children run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We are the only people in the world who will pay $6.00 to park our car while eating a $4.00 sandwhich.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.


Nope. ain't nutt'n wrong with us !

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" askes the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Whats the worst 4 letter word that you can say at Disney?

Free
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After a full day at Disney where do you hurt the most?

Your wallet
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Did you hear there going to have metal
detectors at Disney's front gate?

They don't want people coming in with any change
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Whats the 3 words you can hear though out the park all day?

IT'S HOW MUCH!!
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Whats the highest thing at Disney?

The ticket prices

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The Disney Jungle Cruise Narration

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders -- the men who will be helping you into the boats -- how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say " Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party..." and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One ... Two ... Three. There- those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile ... we have good news for you. We found your rubber band.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well, that's not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

Once seated in the boat, slide all the way forward now... That's the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
- Because a woman without a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- To stand closer to the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
- A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
- I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that causes women to gain weight more than any other food.
- It's called wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus:
- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
- That didn't go down well.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....
---------------------------


A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

 

[2goofycampers]

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ''I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here.''

The mushroom sits back and asks ,''Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)!

 

[peg110]

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ''I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve your kind here.''

The mushroom sits back and asks ,''Why not? I'm a fun guy (fungi)!

HA!

So I see @2goofycampers is into resurrection too?

 

[tiggerdad]

Books Never Written Jokes

• ‘To the Outhouse’ by Willie Maket, Illustrated by Betty Wont
• ‘How to Survive a Bear Attack’ by Ben Eaton
• ‘The Yellow River’ by I.P. Daily
• ‘Over the Mountaintop’ by Hugo First
• ‘Falling Off a Cliff’ by Eileen Dover
• ‘The Joys of Drinking’ by Al Coholic
• ‘I Was Prepared’ by Justin Case
• ‘Smelly Stuff’ by Anita Bath
• ‘A Safe Hitchiker’s Guide’ by Ren Tacar
• ‘A Sailor’s Adventure’ by Ron A. Ground
• ‘Raise Your Arms’ by Harry Pitt
• ‘Sitting on the Beach’ by Sandy Cheeks
• ‘Something Smells’ by I. Ben Pharting